Wanting magic to fit some kind of scientific, rational explanation is really taking the wonder out of magic, in my opinion. Even in my own work of defining magic, I’ve never really tried to fit it into another discipline, so much as I’ve tried to explore my own experience of it. And when I think about it, magic is really about experiences. Yes it can be a technology, and an art, etc., but its more than that. It’s experiences and its stepping into a frame of mind that is willing to accept those experiences and find meaning where most people wouldn’t. It’s not about credibility in the standard sense of the word, because such ideas of credibility are based off specific disciplines that try to structure the experience of the world in very specific ways, different from magic And to be fair, magic also is about structuring experience in a very specific way.

My point is this: Trying to approach the causality of magic in terms of credibility as derived from other disciplines doesn’t work too well, because there’s a predisposition to view magic as some kind of primitive activity done by people who don’t know any better.

We do know better however. We know that magic works and we can even explain how it works, but the explanation we provide won’t necessarily fit within the accepted perspectives of other disciplines. Nor does it need to. If the result occurs consistently, the process works and that’s all the credibility you need. The causality is involved in the process and your understanding of that process is a large part of the causality of magic, and how it’s bringing desired change into your life.

Book Review: The Emerald Tablet (Affiliate link) by Dennis William Hauck

This book provides a good explanation of the seven stages of alchemy and how they can be applied to a person via psychology. The author does have a tendency to mix in some inaccurate history and also tries to connect alchemy to UFOS, but even with those flaws, this is still a useful book for someone wanting to learn about alchemy and begin applying some of the concepts to his/her life. I recommend it primarily for the explanation of the seven stages of alchemy, which you can apply to your life via your own internal work.

“Will you be okay with that?”

“Certainly, go ahead.”

After Lupa left, she came back and said, “So about that audience.” I nodded, and went over to the guest bathroom and started up the bath water, mixing in oils as well. Once the bath was ready, I sank into the hot world, and she appeared before me, in all of her awful majesty…my lady Babalon. Her eyes were as red as blood, her hair the darkness of pitch, her skin ivory…and she looked through my soul and words poured forth from her perfect lips:

“Almost a year ago you entered into me, and through me descended into the abyss. You took on the rotting that was predicted to you, when you chose to stay here.”

I nodded.

“You’ve come through this admirably. You’ve rotted and that was my gift to you, not a punishment, but a gift, for you fully needed to feel helpless, fully needed to feel the strength of your desires even onto addiction itself, to fully come to to the root of what has caused your pain and emptiness. You never would’ve come to this realization if you’d gone out there, and so you would have remained a beast…but now you have traveled through your abyss, through your own rot and dis-ease, and horror and fear, and come through it with a clear understanding of what has held you back.”

“I agree. I felt a lot of regret and guilt over what happened, but as I went through this year and came to fully face what has haunted me so much of my life, as I rotted, I finally could find resolution to so much of the pain and emptiness that had previously driven me on. I finally came face to face with each of my core wounds and came away healed.”

“This year was your abyss walk, but also the culmination of the previous four years of work. You chose to walk into the abyss through me, as all magicians must, for it is only in facing your desires and facing the shadow behind them that you can move to the next step of your journey. You are no longer a beast, a pashu. You are now a person, a human.”

And then I said, “And if still I have the same desire after all of this. I’ve accepted I may never have that desire fulfilled and accepted that its best to enjoy what comes my way, but still I feel it, even after all of this. I feel it in a conscious way…recognize it as more than just an attempt to fill something up.”

She smiled gently. “After all of this, I will tell you enjoy what comes your way and what you have, but I will also say that what you desire will come when the time is right, and in a way that doesn’t involve you leaving the Earth you’ve come to call as your home, and also in a way that respects fully what is already there.”

“I’m still one of yours aren’t I?”

She smiled again, and said, “You never stopped being one of mine. But you are not a beast to be ridden either. Remember what you’ve said yourself, ‘Both parties create the relationship and choose what it will be.’ And what have you chosen with me?”

“For you and I, Milady,” I said, “I choose to walk with you at my side, even as I am at yours, devoted to you and your mysteries, but also free to be me and continue on with the journey I’ve chosen.”

“And that is how it should be with you. For you are your own star, and must shine that light on the path you walk. And you and I both know that you’ve chosen to walk a very particular path, to bring forth the unorthodox and unusual, and manifest as well that success which is yours to claim.”

Then she kissed me on the lips, her energy melding with my own, and looked into my eyes with her red eyes and said,” Tomorrow you’ll move from Zero to One, from Something to Nothing, and mark it with the sign of Xah….Tomorrow you will start your re-birth, and claim your freedom from the abyss. Remember, I’m always at your side, never too far away…and you are one of mine, even as you are your very own self. Enjoy what’s coming next…you’ve earned it.”

Then she left, milady Babalon, just like that…and I climbed out of the bath…and readied myself for tomorrow, purified and ready for the rebirth.

I haven’t posted an update on my work with elephant, mainly because I’m still doing some reading and research about the elephant. Here’s a review of one of the books I just finished. I’ll note that doing the research is really helping me understand more about elephants and will be helpful when I begin doing more work with elephant.

Book Review: The Life and Lore of the Elephant

This was a relatively quick read, which managed to succinctly speak to the history of the relationship between elephants and humans. I found it to be  a useful book in deepening my understanding of how elephants have been treated by humans. Overall a very informative read. I particularly liked the inclusion of the historical documents.

4 out of 5 elephants

The connection is what we want
silver strands that glisten by the star light,
whispering promises from the vibrations of the space/time wind
The core opens to reveal the secret heart of the universe
a path lit up by red lines of force
the flames of the fox fire beckoning,
and luring on those eager hunters of desire

Hourglass eyes witness the illusion of time,
The spiderweb, wet with dew, promises a non linear story
Truth, truth, truth…

Whirling fan over the light,
a very tired person looks up
spreads his arms, and journeys into the iridescent glow of promise.
I see all possibilities in the quantum sea
everything could, is, was, will do, but will any of it become?

I am also Empty…Reach in and pull the last out
Everything is stripped away…she took me on
she gave me surfeit
her hand gentle on my cheek,
while the other rips everything out.

Your illusions are gone,
now what?

Now what indeed. It’s month 12…The end of the year long elemental love work…The end of my working with Babalon, the sacred whore, the scarlet woman, she who takes on all, but demands the sacrifice of your illusions. Babalon has thoroughly fucked me this last year. At times she had been a gentle lover, at other times a demanding bitch. One hand has caressed me as a lover, while the other has ripped my heart out. And through it all, her scarlet eyes have looked into mine, holding me steady, urging me on, demanding the best from me.

I wouldn’t recommend the element of love to just anyone. I think this year’s work has been by far the most intense and demanding of all my magical workings. You have to be ready to sacrifice it all on the altar of love to experience the truths you will inevitably find about yourself, and if you get anything back, count yourself blessed, and recognize you also earned it.

This last month has been one of nostalgia, regret, and healing. I remember a year ago, I remember how desperate I was, how much I knew I needed to change, my patterns of love had grown very toxic indeed. I was a toxic bloom, everything on the surface, ready to be popped. I remember meeting a priestess of Babalon, and a relationship that didn’t work out and being told, “This elemental love work has left bruises on my heart, your wife’s heart, and your heart. Will it be worth it?” I remember bad communication on my part, an unwillingness to really be open or intimate and my journey throughout this year to learn how to do that, how to really open up, how to be vulnerable, how to be honest despite the fear. Honesty with others, but most importantly honesty with myself about my desires, my fears, and what has motivated so many of  my choices.

I remember other situations, other people, all the lies I told to myself, ripped away. And I remember a couple nights with Lupa, where I really opened up, where I told her things I had not told her or anyone else. I remember being honest with her in a way I have never been with anyone, and despite my fears, despite the ingrained responses and reactions that said to just hold it all in, to protect myself by never saying a thing…I spoke…I told her, I laid myself out and let her see the real me. And she accepted me…she showed me LOVE, even as Babalon has Shown me LOVE.

A couple weeks ago, I felt the weight of these regrets…My mind wandered through the past year, through the lessons earned, the people touched, the bruises left, especially the bruise in myself. And I felt Babalon stir beside me. She gave me a gentle look and parted the folds of my flesh, to the heart underneath, and instead of seizing it in her hand as she often has, she gently touched it, touched the bruise of my regrets, and she said,

“It’s time to let this go. You’ve learned what you needed to from this. Let it go, so you can move on and let other people into your life and into your love when you’re ready. You’ve learned the lessons I needed to teach you and I will always be here to remind you of them, and also support you as you continue your journey.”

And she took those regrets away…the physical pain I felt in the hollow of my chest left me.

This last Monday, I was talking with Wes Unruh about language, magic, semiotics, and we got around to talking about Babalon and male magicians. He said that he didn’t think a male magician came into his full power until he’d had an encounter with Babalon. He told me of his own experiences and mentioned that for about a year after his working with Babalon ended he had focused on the element of emptiness and on rebuilding himself…and I found great comfort in this, because it’s another confirmation I made the right choices, and I’m on the right path.

I was asked earlier this year, if this elemental love work would be worth the bruises, and the pain. And my answer is yes. It is worth all the pain caused, all the pain felt. It is worth the pain I caused as well as the pain I felt. It’s not that I wanted to cause that pain. It’s not that I felt a secret delight. No…That pain is part of the process of life, of how you learn. I made mistakes, I came face to face with the reality of the effects of those mistakes. The regret I felt for the pain I caused was something that’s haunted me for this last half year. And yet, that pain, for me, for them has the potential for growth. It’s what we choose to make it…and so Babalon showed me I could let go, move on, heal…

Last year, I said to Lupa, I said to others, “All of the relationships I’m in now will be changed if I do this working.” And everything changed for those relationships. Every single relationship I was involved in on a romantic level is now gone, accept the relationship with my wife, which has ended up stronger than ever before because we worked through our problems with each other and came to a deeper, more intimate relationship than any I’ve ever had, except for one. It’s taken a lot of work and honesty on our parts, but here we stand together, stronger than ever…

And that one relationship which is deeper and more intimate…that’s the relationship I have with myself. This year has forced me to know myself as I never did before, and this next year will take me even further, but I’m ready for that plunge. Babalon has shown me not just the truth of LOVE, but also that of Strength. The strength to forgive, the strength to let go, the strength to love, and the strength to learn. She showed me my strength, even as she took away all the delusions I’d told myself.

Babalon told me it would get harder before it got easier, and she was right. It got really hard somedays to wake up and face the reality of my motivations, my desires, my love or lack thereof. In April, when I walked around, desperately unhappy, desperate to fill something in me and instead walked home and told Lupa about my emptiness, about how empty I sometimes feel, that’s when I started to really learn from this year’s elemental working…that’s when I came face to face with the underlying motivation for so much of my unhealthy behaviors. That’s when I realized just how much my feeling of emptiness had so often motivated my choices to try and find something to fill it, instead of choosing to feel it. And now that I know that feeling…now I’m ready to accept it, to move into it and everything it has to teach me.

On Friday, I had some of my hair cut. Babalon spoke to me in a moment of shared love and lust, in a moment of ritual, a finishing touch. That night, Lupa massaged me, talked with me, reconnected with me about our love, about what we find so important and she cut my hair, part of my payment to Babalon. Below is a poem I wrote about Friday:

“You’ve still got to pay up
the last bit for this year
of companionship I gave you”
She told me.

Her long black hair framed her face,
cascading down her frame, hiding her body,
leaving only the oval of her face
her red eyes staring into mine
a doorway into the abyss
an invitation into Emptiness

As we fucked with wild abandon
her hands touched my long hair
and she said,

“Perhaps some of this…
Cut some of it for me and
also for the next element
Cut it as an offering
when you pass through
the gateway within me
and within you
The gateway to the heart of the universe”

As we came to crescendo,
She and I,
My goddess of desire,
her beast to ride,
I felt myself swallowed into her.
She whispered,

“Conjunctio,
The joining of forces
Your principle joined to mine,
In combination we create
the alchemical wedding
Your sacrifice opens the gate
that your seed might be consumed
and you reborn
in my dark womb
of Emptiness
Your potential realized
in the joining of everything and nothing.”

Later my body massaged with hands
of gentle love and care,
my hair brushed out,
the scissors snap
some is taken away
“Taking a little, so a lot can grow back,
so you can realize your potential”
Caressed, loved, forgiven,
your hands know my body
I fall into the light of the quantum sea
out of reality, into everything

Everything I am
falling back to potential,
In her hands I lay,
in her womb I will be sacrificed
The gateway is open,
Conjunctio achieved
Emptiness beckons
It’s a promise of potential
I’ll take.

“Your last price is paid,
Your coin is accepted
the gate is open,
fly free my love
fly free

When you come back
reborn anew,
you will really know me
and my name.

And I whisper,

“Babalon, Great goddess,
Sacred whore, scarlet woman,
take me, take me, take my sacrifice
and show me the door to conjunctio,
show me the door to emptiness
zero and one, everything and none,
where potential awaits
to sculpt, to show, to provide
the pathway to the heart of the universe
to the silver webs of time,
and the purple halls of space”

And she rips away from me the last shred of illusion
Her hand caresses my cheek one last time,
her tears touch my face,
She kisses my lips one last time,
to steal my last breath
Great Babalon has destroyed me.

And now…
I’m free to arise.
Elemental Emptiness show me the way,
through the door

I am here, I am there
I am everywhere, everywhen,
all things and none,
a whisper on the wind,
the caress of a hand on your chin
all realities within my eyes,
I am reborn into emptiness…
I am reborn to realize my potential.

Today, Saturday, I finished the Love working. I went upstairs, with the painting of the seal of Babalon, The beast dagger, the candle with her visage gracing it. I lit the sacred candle in my temple. I dedicated two posters of the mythos of Babalon as told by Oryelle Defenestate-Bascule to Her. I burned a bit of my cut off hair in the flame of the candle. I cut her seal into my flesh, her name into my skin with the tip of the dagger, tracing so delicately upon my skin the imprint of this goddess…

I sang her praise, I thanked her for her gifts, and then I asked her to take me through the portal to emptiness. I fucked her one last time, giving her my seed and then I was taken in hand by the entity who represents emptiness…But that story will not be told until Tuesday, when the dedication ritual is finished.

Farewell Babalon, sacred Goddess and sacred whore, my lover and destroyer.

The lyric below is from the song Here’s to You by Lisbeth Scott. I removed a couple words, that aren’t relevant to me, to this year’s working…but the lyrics of this song, the song itself is a fitting end to the love working and the beginning of the work on the element of Emptiness:

Here’s to you…
Rest forever and ever…
The last and final moment is yours.
Agony’s your triumph.

Here’s to you,
Rest forever here in our hearts.
The last and final moment is yours.
Agony’s your triumph.

I met the blue dragon long ago, off the coast of Maine. I threw a necklace to it, an offering to it, something of me for something of the fey wildness of the ocean. I didn’t encounter it again until I moved to Portland, OR. Portland and Oregon’s energy have always felt safe to me…felt like home. When Lupa and I hiked the Multnomah falls for the first time, the blue dragon came out of the water and kissed me and asked if I remembered it.

It told me that it wanted me to bond to the land here. The last time I bonded to the land it was in Ohio and dissolving those bonds had been painful and Seattle had rejected me…but Portland and Oregon wanted me. So I said yes and agreed to get a tattoo as part of the bonding…I’d given blood and saliva to the land before, and this time a tattoo, with pain and some blood given again to the land. I was originally going to get the tattoo in November of ’07, but other things happened, including not having a job. And eventually when all of that got figured out, the blue dragon told me to reschedule the appointment. So I did. And today I went in.

My tattoo artist at Infinity Tattoo, Alice Kendall, set me up, got me shaved, and then inked. The outline took a while…careful tracings of lines, and I felt the blue dragon’s presence. He reached over to me. His energy touched mine. He asaid, “Make an offering of your pain and blood to the land, to me.” And I did. I made an offering…I felt my pain start flowing to the dragon, and to the rivers and the land.

I felt my pain flow and I felt an exchange of energy come into me. When she started filling in the color of the tattoo, the exchange quickened…more pain flowing out, but more energy of the land flowing in. As she kept inking, I relaxed into the pain. I didn’t fight it. I let it become part of me. I let it go. I let my mind slip into a gray void, but through it all the blue dragon was there, whispering to me about the land, whispering to me about IYR…whispering to me about the secrets of water and reality…

When the tattoo was finished, I felt half in this world, half in the land. I tipped the artist a nice fee…The Blue dragon was pleased…always honor those who help you connect to me.

I left, got into the car and the blue dragon settled into the tattoo, with one last whisper…”You and I are bonded to each other now”

The Blue Dragon

The Blue Dragon

The title of this book could be a bit misleading, as it’s fair to say that the majority of the articles in this book are not intended for people who are just coming into magical practice. The articles requires at least an intermediate knowledge in Hermeticism, Alchemy, or Buddhist Meditation techniques, for the most part. With that said, I definitely recommend this book for anyone who is interested in reading and practicing the different techniques described and discussed in this book.

These articles were written in the late 1920′s by a group of experimental magicians called the UR group, lead by Julius Evola. This book presents a fascinating glimpse into ceremonial magical work being done in that time by magicians who weren’t overtly associated with magical orders such as the OTO or Golden Dawn. The articles are detail oriented, but all of the writers manage to discuss the concepts with enough brevity to explain what needs to be done and how to do it, without unnecessarily waxing poetic about it.

One article I particularly liked was what I would suggest was the first article ever written on space/time magic…but rather apt for what it suggests about the nature of time and how a person interacts with it. This is definitely a book I will read again and again and get more out of each time I read it. I recommend it to any person who wants to either get a better historical perspective of magical practices or wants to continue honing his/her practices.

So I decided to help my body. The sore throat was a warning and given that I didn’t want to get sick or deal with strep throat, I immediately began to work with the throat. I visualized little nanobots going in and rounding up the strep and getting rid of it with lasers. Afterwards the nanobots administered healing reagents to my sore throat. Within an hour of doing this visualization, the soreness in my throat was gone. I decided to have the nanobots patrol my throat until the infection period is finished.

So with sickness (not my own thankfully), the opportunity to come up with a defense occurred. And my body has been duly grateful afterwards. So sometimes something like this can be an opportunity for a person to experiment

So if LeDoux is correct (and I imagine as a neuroscientist who has spent a good portion of his career focused on exploring the role of emotions in neuroscience that he might at least have an inkling of what he is talking about) the eight circuit model might be in need of revision. And this is not such a bad thing really, because the eight circuit model is as much a sacred cow for some occultists as Crowley is for others and challenging that sacred cow is much needed.

One of the many reasons I decided to start reading up on neuroscience was to get a better idea of how contemporary science understands the workings of the brain. I’ve never found the eight-circuit model wholly satisfying, particularly because it seems to compartmentalized and rigid for my tastes. While I think it can offer a better model for understanding the psychology of one’s internal workings than say Freud, it still seems to overly mechanize how it all fits together.

And what I’ve found looking into neuroscience IS fascinating because it provides a unique view of the universe that is a human body, and offers aspiring magicians a different medium to explore magic in. When combined with psychology it can also explain some of the mental disorders people can experience, as well as offer a potential way to heal or mitigate those disorders via medication, but also I think through magical practice (as I’ve discussed in some depth in Inner Alchemy).

Of course a lot of the thrill is what still can’t be explained…mysteries abound, and where there’s mystery, there’s magic.

Anyway back to the eight circuit model…a lot of it is based on neatly compartmentalizing what part of the brain is the Reptilian brain and what part is the mammalian brain etc. In fact there’s a lot of categorization that occurs with the end result being behaviors mapped out like correspondence tables to the different circuit types. And y’know on the one hand that is an awfully handy system, when you can say “That behavior is the first circuit acting out” It has its uses to be sure…and it can provide a useful model for diagnosing behaviors, though not necessarily a model for changing said behaviors. And while knowledge can be good, application of that knowledge is essential to making it useful when it comes to manifesting significant changes in behavior. And that’s where the other hand comes down, because the eight circuit model is just one model among many and yet curiously those other models are seemingly ignored much of the time (though NLP and memetics are becoming increasingly popular models for the occult movement). I think if we can balance the eight circuit model with other ways of knowing…make it one among many, it’ll still shine, and in fact might prove a better model when it can be intermixed with other models and consequently practically applied (something which Antero Alli does).

As I continue to read up on neuroscience and apply my magical practices to it, I’ve increasingly become convinced that the psychological models that are used in occultism need some substantial revision, partially on a bio-genetic level, and partially just to keep up with the current studies in psychology and related disciplines. I’ve some half-baked ideas of where some of this revision needs to occur (for instance considering the role of identity in magical acts), but as I continue to explore, experiment, and research I will post more about where I think some of those revisions could be applied. Certainly it’s proving to be an interesting journey so far in terms of considering just how much we have yet to experience the miracle of our own bodies, let alone what else is out there.

This working has given me some inspiration toward how specific psychological or physiological issues could be eased by working with the neurotransmitters. If we know what neurotransmitters cause specific effects or what nt’s can be used to meditate an effect than we can start to work with our biology to aid the psyche of the mind. I’ll be writing moreo n htis later…this is just a brief update for those who are interested.

 You might wonder how I’ll experiment with this, if I don’t have an official diagnosis of ADHD. It’s a fair question…But I figure by applying this technique in an environment where I’m really bored, it’ll approximate to some degree what i’m trying to test, which is to see if stimulating the neurotransmitters will help me focus my attention more. The place to do that: work of course. Using the NT’s to focus my attention on what I need to get done in a manner that has me sharp and focused instead of bored would be useful, both to see if my experiment can work and to get some work out of the way. We shall see what happens. I won’t report on this for a little while, as I’ll need time to compare and contrast the results.