I’ve been reading the War of Art (affiliate link) lately and the author talks a great deal about resistance as an enemy to creativity. I think he’s right, to a point. I also think resistance can indicate something that needs to change, but what’s relevant here is how resistance can be used in internal work, to discover what you need to work on and dissolve.

Any time you feel resistance to doing something or you feel a need to distract yourself from what you are doing, it presents you an opportunity to do internal work to dissolve resistance. The desire for distraction is a form of resistance, even as simple dislike for doing something is also resistance. When you come up against it, embrace it and start meditating on it. Listen to what your resistance has to say, and then dig deeper. What’s really underneath that resistance? What’s the underlying emotion that’s really prompting that resistance to doing what you need to do?

When you focus your meditation on answering this question, you may find that it uncovers a lot that you weren’t facing. It’s important to face the issues and deal with whatever emotions arise as a result of the dissolving work. As you resolve such emotions, you will that it frees up a lot of energy, and that your resistance will also dissolve. Resistance is not necessarily a bad thing to feel, as long as you can knowingly act on it and use it to work through what is underneath it.

As I was meditating today Dragon pointed out that fire didn’t have to be any of these things. That the only one who’d perceived it that way had been me, but also I didn’t have to continue perceiving myself in a particular way either. That’s something I’ve been discovering in my relationship with Kat, and also discovering that I am not too much for myself or someone else.

I’ve always been driven by my passion. That can be good or it can be bad. Just depends on what you make of it, but I’m not going to bank the fire of my life or my relationship with fire because of an ill conceived perception. If I hold onto it, I empower it…and if I let it go, I open myself to new possibilities.

12-2-11 The meditations have focused on anger this week. Dragon had me do a history of anger, both in terms of how I’ve seen anger expressed and how I’ve expressed it. When I look at the history of anger, I start with my Dad. With him, anger was always a volcanic eruption. It would build and build up and then one day explode. His anger was always fast and hard, and you never knew what would set him off. Both my step-mom and mom tended to be more passive aggressive in certain ways, though my step mom would also be overly aggressive. She encouraged it in her daughter as well, who learned early on that she could take her anger out on me with no repercussions. What I learned early on was that I had to repress my anger. I wasn’t allowed to show it, and if I did show it, I got disciplined.

Even later on I had experiences where for the most part other people expressed anger, while I kept a lid on it, except for the rare occasions when it’d pop out in a volcano. Consequently my own relationship with my feeling of anger is an uncomfortable one. Even with the internal work I’ve done, I still feel afraid of my own anger. I’ve recently been working on expressing it, and listening to it, instead of repressing it and this seems to help, but learning to listen to an emotion you’ve normally repressed isn’t very easy. Listening to my anger means letting myself be vulnerable to feelings of hurt as well. It’s not that I’m not aware of those feelings, and that I even feel them, but feeling them in conscious conjunction with anger is a whole another experience.

12-5-11 In today’s meditation, Dragon pointed out that anger, for me, seemed to really be about control. specifically not feeling control and wanting control. I think that’s true for me. When I look at the situations in my life a common theme is not feeling like I had control…feeling like I was under someone else’s thumb. And the anger I feel is an anger of not feeling acknowledged. It’s an anger that I haven’t let go, because I’m trying to cling on to some kind of acknowledgement of the hurt I’ve felt. Yet that anger doesn’t give me that acknowledgement. It just ends up being something I stew in.

I’ve come to realize as well that I’ll likely not get the acknowledgement I want from the people who’ve hurt me. and Maybe even if they did, it wouldn’t be enough. It all comes back to holding on to this anger, to this hurt that I’ve felt. Dragon asked me what it would be like to actually let go of that anger, to actually release it, instead of holding onto it and letting it define my identity. I don’t want that anger to identify my identity, but I know why I’ve held onto it so much. For so long, going back to my childhood, holding onto that anger was what got me through difficult situations. They couldn’t take my anger from me, and I could use it to prove they were wrong. That kind of motivation was what kept me going through a lot of hard times. But holding onto it now doesn’t really help. I’m not happy holding on to it. I need to learn to let go.

12-7-11 I allowed myself to articulate my anger, and the underlying feeling of rejection that seems to accompany that anger. It’s not anger toward just one person, but a lifetime of people, who in one way or another showed me that I wasn’t a high or important priority in their lives. Being able to articulate that to Kat, to share that pain and anger helped. The realizations I’ve been having about my anger and the underlying emotional bedrock that supports it shows me how important it is that I finally feel like I am an actual priority to someone. There’s a sense of relief and disbelief.

12-8-11 I always find it fascinating how the experiences in my life fit neatly into the theme I’m working on. Today at my small Business Management class, the instructor brought up the value of changing your stories. He said the stories we tell ourselves set up the scripts and situations we find ourselves in. I certainly know this, but hearing it again today caused me to experience it a different way and apply this idea of rewriting old stories into new ones to some of the stories I have been telling myself as I’ve been working with my anger this month. For example, telling myself a new story of: I am loved, wanted, desired, needed, appreciated, and supported in what I do, and how I choose to do it is a powerful change for me. I hadn’t, until recently, ever really felt supported. Now I do.

12-17-11 Owning my anger, acknowledging and taking responsibility, but also choosing to know I can feel anger. I’ve been thinking about that all week, and how I can own my anger to empower myself. Owning anger isn’t pushing it down. Owning anger, for me, is learning to let go, instead of holding on so tight. I don’t need it to define my identity anymore.

Desire has been coming up a lot as well, which makes sense, given how much fire is associated with desire. I’ve explored desire in other elements, but fire brings its own perspective on desire. Desire has such twists in it. to be desired and to desire. Am I desired for one aspect, or is the desire for the real me?

12-18-11 Sometimes the person I’m the angriest with is myself. I’ve always found it hard to forgive myself for what I consider mistakes. My first marriage is an example of that. I’m angry at myself for staying so long in what was clearly an unhealthy relationship for myself and the ex. The choices I made in that relationship are ones I’ve looked over and questioned, because they were symptomatic of the underlying unhappiness. I’m responsible for staying in that relationship for so long. Still hindsight is 20 20 and as I’ve continued the internal work around that relationship and the choices I made in it, I have to acknowledge that where I am now is not where I was then. I can look back and judge myself or I can look back and see a very fallible person who made very real mistakes and has since learned from those mistakes. I don’t feel the anger often toward myself anymore, but occasionally it still comes up, and tells me I still have healing and forgiveness to do.

12-21-11 The other day Kat and I were having a conversation and she said, “I know you’re angry with me. Let me in.” It took a while, but eventually I told her what I was feeling angry about. It was interesting for me, because even though I knew I felt angry, being so honest about it involved being so vulnerable as well. It was hard to be so vulnerable, but it was also so freeing to tell her how I really felt. So often I’ve held my anger in, until finally its erupted…how much better to simply admit it, and be open about it. As this month ends, I feel more comfortable with my anger, and with what the work with element fire has revealed about it. That’s what the elemental balance work is all about.

When I think about Western Magic, and one of my problems, this statement from Tolstoy sums it up nicely. In late teens and early to mid twenties, I remember being that person who wanted to change the world, but didn’t think of changing himself. That’s not surprising because within western magic there is no overt forms of internal work provided, beyond perhaps some pathworking exercises. I had to go to Eastern systems such as Taoism to really discover in-depth meditation techniques. Since learning those techniques and implementing them into my daily practice, I’ve found that there is much less of an overt need to change the world. In fact, usually where the change needs to start is from within.

Magical techniques such as sigils or evocation aren’t focused on internal work. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it is worth the magician’s time to actually apply some degree of introspection in order to look at the underlying motivations behind doing the work. Such internal work can help clarify the motivations and even ensure that the working will be successful by removing any internal resistance toward it.

Internal work is an essential part of magical practice. When I take magical students on, we spend a fair amount of time initially exploring what their values and beliefs are, how they define themselves and their place in the world, as well as teaching them meditation techniques. I’ve found that this initial work is crucial because it helps them remove a lot of internal obstacles and most importantly helps them understand how to effectively use magic to make changes in the world around them. Practitioners who actively use internal work will also cut down on the need to do more overt acts of magic…and not surprisingly will also lower the overall level of drama and chaos as they work out their issues. Instead of having such issues come up in their lives, the practitioners are able to identify  the triggers and make changes to their behaviors. The result is a better life and more clarity about what they want and need to live such a life.

At times, in our lives, there can be a temptation to try and get rid of part of yourself or change it or try to fit it some standard of behavior that doesn’t really apply to it. Inevitably, what ends up happening is that the part you try to change defends itself quite vigorously and you realize that it wasn’t such a good idea.

This isn’t to say you can’t change behavior. You certainly can, but trying to do a radical change is never advised, and doesn’t make you happy. Instead such changes need to occur gradually, being worked through, and even when such changes are made, they usually focus on behavior, as opposed to identity, which is essentially how you define yourself. You can change behavior, but changing identity can be a lot harder and you genuinely have to no longer want to identify yourself in a particular way to make the change successful. This means you need to work with the values and beliefs that represent that part of your identity and determine if they no longer relevant to your life.

My main point is this: Don’t try and get rid of part of yourself for anyone or anything. Better to do the internal work and determine how it really fits into your life. Accepting who you is the greatest liberation you can give yourself.

Book and Video Review: The Lost Secret of Immortality (Affiliate Link) by Barclay Powers

The video is well done and presents a lot of ideas on internal alchemy as its done in both the the East and West. I’d particularly recommend it to anyone just starting out as it has a wealth of information, but even more seasoned practitioners will find it useful. The book serves as a useful complement to the video, providing further information on concepts discussed in the video. I’d have liked to have seen some exercises included in the book, but the author does a good job of pointing to additional sources. Overall a a useful resource guide.

When we usually think about passion we associate it with emotion, but in doing some reflection I find that a lot of my passion is intellectual. There’s something exciting about learning something new or putting together an experiment. or following through on a plan of action. I’ve always felt a passion for that. It might be an emotion, but it’s not quite the same as feeling love for someone. It’s a flash of excitement that burns in a different way than an emotion does.

When I feel intellectual passion, I feel like I’ve found a clue or something that I can then pursue until I find everything else associated with it. It is a single-minded focus that blocks everything else out. What matters is this intellectual passion and that’s all that matters.

Applying it to magic usually involves doing research and or experimenting with an idea. It drives me to focus on it until its finished. I don’t want to let up when I could achieve something if I follow through. For magical work its important to explore every possibility and every part of your process. Ideally you are curious about why and how magic works and you explore all of it so you can refine and personalize your practice.

Intellectual passion is curiosity…it’s never being satisfied with the answers of others or settling for the idea that as long as it works that’s all that matters. The magician wants to know more, wants to explore every angle. Only the dilettante settles for the push button approach to magic.

Do you feel intellectual passion for your magical practice? What stirs it up? What excites you?

I’ve found this to sequence to be a good model that explains how something that was a need can turn into something you want, but don’t need. When we can learn to recognize that a need doesn’t define us, it no longer is a need. When you need something it defines you, but if you want something, you know you don’t necessarily have to have it. And as you continue in this process of dissolution you can eventually step away from any labels you’d previously been attached to this.

This practice can also apply to labeling yourself with dysfunctions. I’ve noticed that many people now label themselves by their dysfunctions and in the process define themselves by the dysfunction. They try to claim the dysfunction, but what they end up doing is “needing” the dysfunction. So instead of working with it, and trying to change it, they let it control their behavior. But it’s entirely possible to step away from the label and in the process examine the “need” for that label, and ask yourself why you need the label. You may even find that by doing this practice it can also help you begin to take steps to deal with the dysfunction in a manner that allows you to heal from it.

I’ve used this practice lately to examine some of the needs I haven’t previously questioned and its helped me recognize how many of those needs have been defined by dysfunctional and unhealthy behavior. This isn’t to say that there aren’t healthy reasons for wanting something, but if something is a need, chances are there is some unhealthy behaviors contributing to that sense of needing it. By examining why I need it, I’ve been able to focus on those unhealthy behaviors and start healing them through focused meditation. The sense of need has shifted to want, and in turn has allowed me to approach what it is I want from a place of conscious recognition about the value it brings to my life and where it fits in with everything else.

Book Review: Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion (affiliate link) by George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins

Verbal Judo is an excellent book that presents techniques that anyone can use to help defuse tense situations with language. It also helps you understand how to be a better communicator with people in general. I like the stories and examples the authors use to demonstrate the technique, because it shows how it can work and what to do to make it work. The book is broken into small chapters which makes for easy reading, but I recommend taking your time and trying out the techniques. It is a little slow at the start and the authors do a bit of ego stroking, but overall the book is good.

Four out of Five stars

1. Neurotransmitter work: I’ve been working with neurotransmitters as entities for over 7 years now. The current work I’m doing has involved working with multiple neurotransmitters at the same time, for purposes such as emotional regulation, healing, and related work. I’m writing about this work in Neuro-Space/Time Magic.

2. Web of Space/Time: This is my system of space/time magic. I’ve been working on it for a while now and its partially related to the work I’ve been doing with movement and space, as well as exploring time’s role in navigating space. There’s also some work with possibilities in imaginary time. I’m writing a thorough explanation in Neuro Space/Time Magic.

3. Movement/space work: I’ve been exploring how to use movement as a form of magical work and expression for a while now. It’s another of those current projects that’s focused on the book, but also focused on working with the body as the main form of magical expression.

4. Brandscapes: This has been inspired by the class I’m teaching on pop culture magic. At this point it’s a concept, but one I want to explore further as a way of working with a company entity in a purposeful, and focused manner.

These are a few projects that are on my mind. What about you? What’s something interesting you are experimenting with in your magical work?

Aligning your values with your desires involves examining what your desires are and seeing if they match up with your values. If the execution of your desires doesn’t align with your beliefs and values, then the result will be fleetingly. You will sabotage yourself to stay true to your values and beliefs. Not all of these values and beliefs are necessarily healthy, but they are in place as much to “protect” you, as to provide a moral compass to live your life. But being safe isn’t all its cracked up to be, and can sometimes put you in a miserable situation, because part of you wants to protect yourself from taking a risk.

Aligning your values with your desires necessarily means that you need to look at the origins of both your values and your desires. Where do they come from? What influences sponsored your desires and values? Asking these questions can help you understand why you hold to the values you have and why you want what you want. That, in turn, can help you begin to either resolve the conflict between desire and value or recognize if your desire or value is holding you back in some way. Until you question and explore what motivates your choices, you can’t know for certain if you are making those choices because you genuinely want to/believe in the need to do so, or if you are reacting on impulse of one kind or another.

The technique is based off a video game called Microbots. In that game you are a microbot sent into a body to heal it by getting rid of the virus that is in the body. The developers of the game created a stunning environment that looks like the biology of the body. Useful for visualization purposes if you’re doing work to contact neurotransmitters, but also useful if you want to combat a fever or flu, especially if you want to use the microbot for that purpose.

When I feel sickness coming on, or in this latest case, when I’m in the midst of experiencing it, I’ll meditate before resting and create a health servitor that will go in and start combating the sickness, while also offering support to the natural systems already in place. My microbot servitor is equipped to not just fight the sickness, but also comes with healing tools that can be used to heal the body, where needed.

I like drawing on pop culture for inspiration, and the microbot game has proven to be the perfect inspiration for this work, because its provided a model of internal work I can use with my body. It demonstrates the importance of drawing on such inspirations for your magical work. I can’t say I’ve found anything else that provides such a useful tool for health and healing work. I’m going to continue experimenting with it, and will be sure to share details either here, or in Neuro-Space/Time Magic.