elemental work

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stability Month 1

10-22-2017 On Friday I switched from Stillness to Stability, from working with Zadok to working with Elephant. One of the reasons I chose Stability is because I feel a need for grounding. One might think with Stillness that I'd already be grounded, but Stillness isn't about that. And to move forward from Stillness requires a measured approach.

When I connected with Stability, I felt Elephant step in and communicating with Elephant is quite interesting because part of the communication process is done through vibration and the paths of memory. So today for example Elephant on a journey of memory and used vibration to steer the course.  

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 34

7-23-17 Sometimes I like to put myself into spaces unconventionally in order to think, but also to meditate. There's something quite mesmerizing about staring at the blades of a fan and letting your mind wander through the fields of probability, while lying on the floor contemplating your upcoming week.

And I feel really vulnerable and open right now. This last month was hard but good because it forced me to hit some hard places and shatter some illusions. Being open as a result has helped me got some help and direction.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 33

6-26-17 I'm reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. She talks about the relationship we have with being vulnerable and what do we associate with vulnerability. Until I started doing my stillness work, I'd say my association with vulnerability was that being vulnerable was being weak. But with stillness, I've opened myself to being vulnerable and found that its actually helped me become a better person. When I am vulnerable I can open up and share. Stillness has taught me to become more comfortable with being vulnerable and to become better at expressing it.

6-30-17 There are moments where I really question the point of anything I'm doing. This is one of those moments.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 32

5-26-17 I had a dream this morning. In the dream was the dark haired, dark eyed woman that had shown up in a couple previous visions. She showed me an alternate life, where I didn't have a lot of stability. I traveled a lot and did work I didn't like and I had no deep connections. As she told me, it was really about showing me what a life without stability would be like. Afterwards I felt this radiating sense of fear in my chest and I sat with it for a while. It's that fear of being too stable, which may seem off, but when you've lived a life where much of it has been chaotic, it can actually feel strange to have stability. It makes me realize again what the next element needs to be, but also what I can do to use stillness to work on that feeling of fear of stability.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 31

4-24-17 This prior weekend I went to a spiritual retreat lead by R.J. Stewart, where we explored the Further Path...basically a Faery teaching. It was profound work and it seemed like the right time in terms of matching up with some of the changes I'm feeling internally. There's this feeling of movement...and a sense of stillness coming to an end...or maybe just a transition. There will always be stillness work to do, but ho do you come out of stillness? That's really what I'm gravitating toward at the moment. It's like this slow awakening and stretching is happening.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 30

3-23-17 One of the most pivotal lessons my work with stillness has taught me is to stop looking outside myself for completion. Stop looking toward a job, a lover, friends, etc., because when you do that, it never satisfies you and objectifies the people. With romantic love, we're sold a myth that you can find that one true love, or multiple loves that can somehow complete us and know us. But no one can know you the way you know yourself...and yet many people do not know themselves. This is one of the challenges of internal work: It forces us to really know ourselves and to recognize that any sense of completion must come from our own ability to resolve the internal tensions in our lives, and as a result discover the true liberation of the self from all the conditioning and patterns we've previously lived with.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 29

2-23-17 What stillness teaches me in the moment is how to recognize when I'm putting myself in a situation where I need to take a moment and ask myself if the course of action I'm engaging in is the best choice. It's also helping me step back and recognize feelings of irritation and frustration I feel in everyday situations such as driving. I hadn't realized how often I've felt those feelings until I started practicing my stillness work in everyday situations, but recognizing those feelings also helps me realize I need to be consciously aware of how those feelings show up, so I can work through them, instead of reacting to them. I would rather be consciously aware of them and be able to sit with them, than just react because I'm feeling them.

3-3-17 I was reading the Gifts of Imperfection while vending at NEWTS. She brought up some really important perspectives that helped me understand some of my issues around positive emotion. She discussed the importance of a gratitude practice...and I'm going to start doing that everyday because I see some real value in taking a moment to state what you're grateful for. And as the author points out, it can enhance the joy in your life. She also makes a distinction between joy and happiness, noting that happiness is situational, while joy comes from a deeper place, but also how vulnerable a person can feel with joy, because it can also bring up a fear of loss. I realize that's what has stopped me from sometimes stepping into my joy more fully, that fear of loss...you can feel so vulnerable that you try to find some way to shut down that feeling.

That's been me sometimes...and realizing that's why is helping me approach my positive experiences and feelings from a different place, one where I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and work through whatever fears arise so I can step into the moment and let it be what it can be.

3-6-17 I've been paying closer attention to who I am and what I'm feeling. I guess what that really means is that instead of putting on masks for myself, I'm taking them off, so I can really be present in the moment. I may still put on a mask for someone else, but the days of not paying attention to what's going on internally are over. Stillness has given me that gift.

3-8-17 I was feeling some anxiety today around the work I'm doing. It seems like every time I'm close to finishing it up, I discover another layer that needs to be factored in. And then I worry...will this even work? I can choose to listen to those fears, express them and/or use them to motivate me. I can also be still with them and get to the real heart of the matter, which is about worthiness. I'm choosing to do some of those actions today and reminding myself that it's my first time doing this work and that I'm not just doing it, but learning how I can do it better the next time I do it. So be patient and dedicated and iterate.

3-9-17 Yesterday I was telling Kat that I want to help people through my content. I want people to get value out of what I create as opposed to having people try and get value out of me. when I used to have much worse boundaries than I have now, I wouldn't always recognize when people were coming into my orbit with ulterior motives. I've gotten better at paying attention to the details, and also recognizing that what I want to give people is the gift of my experiences and knowledge, but also have the right boundaries in place for myself.

3-15-17 When you can talk with someone about what is uncomfortable, and settle into the conversation, it brings with it, its own form of stillness. I've only recently discovered how to be comfortable talking about uncomfortable subjects, with someone. Seems odd that its taken me so long, but given how guarded I've been my entire life, maybe not so much. Relaxing into the stillness of the moment is what liberates you to discuss what needs to be talked about.

3-21-17 This month has really been about details. What stillness is teaching me about details is how to be present with them, without letting them get to me. I look at all this work I'm doing right now for my businesses and my life and there's this feeling of readiness...The details are getting attended to so that I can make that move out of stillness into wherever I need to go. And this makes me glad I devoted a 3rd year to Stillness. I needed to get to this place with Stillness (and a bit further) in order to go to the next step of my spiritual journey and life. That's the value of Stillness. It helps you stop long enough to figure out where you need to go instead of continuing to react. You break out of the patterns and start developing your own.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 28

1-25-17 The other day I attended a lecture about Gurdijieff's work. It was quite fascinating, especially when the person giving the lecture talked about a person's actions were essentially just reactions to everything that had had influenced the person. While my initial response was to be skeptical, when I considered the idea, I found it made sense in a way. When I look at all my choices, there's a history behind those choices and there's environmental factors. It doesn't take away from my responsibility for those choices, but recognizing that your choices aren't solely based on internal motivations can be helpful...It's too easy to take on so much responsibility that you ignore the other factors. There's a balance to be struck and when it is, it can help a person with internal work in a way that actually helps produce genuine conscious change that can be acted on.

1-29-17 I had a couple of interesting dreams last night. In the first dream Jim N, an old roommate showed me a videoclip with the title, "Now isn't this awkward". In the video clip Richard Nixon and Jim's dad were walking very closely next to each other and Richard Nixon looked uncomfortable. Not sure what the dream means though I suppose in some ways its a comment on the current regime in power. The second dream was much more involved. This family tried to steal my car, but I wouldn't let them and then it turned out their son had a spiritual illness, so I offered to look him over and help him out. Both dreams were very vivid (hey normally aren't) so I felt I should record them and consider them.

2-2-17 I was reading the section in the Gifts of Imperfection about perfectionism. I don't think of myself as a perfectionist, per se, but I do recognize certain traits that have shown up in my thinking, especially when I tell myself where I "should be" as opposed to where I am. One of the gifts of the stillness work has really involved learning to accept where I am with grace and compassion toward myself as well as asking myself what the real motivation is for wanting to be in a particular place. And accepting where I am doesn't mean I stop doing the work, but what it does mean is I stop holding myself to impossible standards and instead celebrate the journey while continuing on it.

2-8-17 Had dinner with Felix tonight, where we got into an interesting conversation about the aesthetics of magic Something clicked into place and I realized its something I've talked about, but from a different angle, and recognizing that different angle, just made things much more interesting as a result, when I think about how and why magic works.

2-9-17 Something the last couple of years the stillness work has gradually taught me is how to be open with myself. I could never open up to anyone else, because I didn't know how to be open with myself. I was terrified to be open, in all honesty, because being open meant sitting with all the parts of me that are vulnerable and hurting, all the damage that's been done to me and yes all the damage I've done as well to myself and others. As I've opened up more, I've been able to hold space with those parts of myself and to hold space with other people as well. And what I've discovered is a gradual loosening of the fears, doubts, and shame, and a replacement of a kind of warmth that lights me from within and allows me to connect intimately to the people who matter in my life. The work is hard, but doing the work is also liberating, if you stick with it.

2-17-17 Today I meditated on my early 20's. It was prompted by coming across someone I used to know through Facebook. In my early 20's I was a clueless guy when it came to relationships. I didn't know how to handle genuine interest from other people and ended up pursuing people I knew would reject me. I would often hide my insecurity by being flirtatious because flirting was easy to do, and it kept me "safe" or so I thought. But really I just didn't know how to interact with other people. And part of me didn't feel worthy of being with other people. It was easy to chase after people who didn't want me. They just confirmed the feeling of unworthiness I already had. So today I meditated on those feelings and showed some compassion to my younger self. It made me realize how you can think you're over a period of your life and then discover that in fact there's some buried stuff you still haven't worked through.

2-20-17 In the Gifts of Imperfection the author talks about numbing and how people will engage in addictive behavior to numb their pain. That addictive behavior can be the classics of alcoholism and drugs, but can also be workaholicism...really any behavior where you're trying to avoid feeling anything. What I find fascinating is that she explains that when you seek to numb your feelings, you also numb the good feelings, joy, love, etc. And yet in meditating about it I came to see her point. When I look back at periods of my life, when I numbed myself, I ended up numbing all the feelings I had. She also points out that feelings of joy and love can make a person uncomfortable because of how vulnerable you feel and again that makes sense to me, because I've actually felt that way before in my own life. Until Kat I wasn't comfortable with feeling loved.

In my stillness work, I've found that embracing uncomfortable feelings is what leads to resolution. When you numb your feelings, you ultimately make them stronger. But when you lean into them, when you choose to feel them and be present with whatever comes up, it liberates you. And yes the bad feelings are comfortable, but sometimes the good feelings are as well. My choice to be present, to lean into and accept the feelings has played a big part in no longer numbing myself, but instead stepping into the joy and bliss of life.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 27

sigil 12-23-16 Patience is something I've been meditating on lately in relationship to stillness. I am both good and not good at being patient...it depends on the context I suppose. I'm currently working on a couple projects and really want the work to be done, but feedback I'm getting suggests some further refinement, so I'm reminding myself I need to be patient and focus on getting it right because that's what will matter most. That can be hard for me. Conversely though I can be patient for years and years, waiting for the right moment to make something happen. I learned that early in life, because I had to bide my time due to circumstances where I had little to no control. So meditating on patience makes me appreciate how patience can be its own form of stillness, the potential waiting for the right moment to be unleashed and realized.

12-30-16 I've been continuing to relax into stillness. Some feelings that have come up, as happens, but what I've done is relax into them as well. I think in no longer trying to seek stillness, but instead just opening myself to it, its made a significant difference in the meditation. I also decided to reread The True Source of Healing, because I recognized that I needed to read through it once and then read it again, but engage the exercises. Sometimes that's a good approach to take with a book, and this is one such book. And when anxiety comes up around some of the current work I'm doing in my business, I'm opening up about that anxiety and then letting it go. I'm being patient and working my process.

1-8-2017 The last couple of days I've hit this place of perfect stillness, where my mind and body are at ease and the emotions are present, but everything is still. I know better than to actively seek that experience now. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't I'll work with whatever does come up.

1-12-17 In the last couple of months I've been opening up a lot to Kat and sharing my anxieties and fears with her. I've never done this with anyone else, at least not to the degree that I'm being open with her. It's hard, because my natural tendency is to put on a front and pretend like nothing is wrong, but I realize how toxic that tendency is for me and how it keeps people at arm's length instead of letting them in where they can help and support me. Last month I asked what a safe relationship is and I realize a safe relationship is a relationship where each person can completely share themselves with the other person...where everything is out in the open, where difficult issues can be discussed and resolved without having to wait for them to show up in other ways.

And all of this seems to enhance the stillness as well, because everything is out in the open, no longer clogging up the inner space. It's hard being open, but its smart as well and the long term benefits speak for themselves.

1-18-17 I'm reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It's gotten me thinking a lot about love and belonging, and makes me wonder if I shouldn't revisit working with the element of love, because of how she defines love. She explains that love is something we grow and cultivate as opposed to give or get. She also explains that belonging is when we share out authentic, vulnerable self with the people around us. Her definition of love really makes sense to me...it decommercializes love and turns it into something humane, something we really need, because in a lot of ways love is treated as a this for that venture, when in reality genuine love is about growth and cultivation, protection and connection. I think this could change my relationship with love, specifically in regards to how I love myself, because the author makes some great points about self love and how we treat ourselves...namely that if we wouldn't be so hard with someone why be that way with ourselves.

1-21-17 I've been continuing to work my way through The Gifts of Imperfection. The author talks about the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is feeling bad about an action you've done, whereas shame is saying you are bad. And when I look at my relationship with feeling worthy or lack thereof, the more I realize so much of what I've felt is shame...that feeling of I'm bad. And its easy to find the origins of it, but the real question is what do I do about it? The author's suggestion is to be open about what you feel shame about, to communicate and connect because then you find where you belong. And I've been doing that a lot more, sharing and connecting with Kat about whatever is going on with me.

In its own way this is a form of internal work. Part of what the author shares is the importance of building up shame resilience, where you are able to identify the physical sensations you associate with shame and then make different choices. Part of it is figuring out what your courage is, what calls you to be courageous in the face of shame. In my case, that's opening up about what I'm feeling instead of keeping it to myself. The stillness work has been helpful in this regards because I've been using it to help me identify my the physical sensations. To discover our own worthiness we have to know how to identify when we feel unworthy and then make a conscious choice instead of reacting to it.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 26

sigil 11-24-16 The other day I told Felix that sometimes I felt like I was climbing up a very steep pit, when it came to the process of self growth. It takes a lot of effort to change and sometimes it seems like it would be easier to slide back down the pit. The only problem being what you land in isn't very appetizing. Since I began this work over a decade ago, I've had some slips and falls and I've definitely come face to face with my shadow. Yet I continue doing the work, because while the path is hard, the rewards are worth it. When I struggle I remind myself of this because while the struggle can be hard, the work is worth it in the end. Its only when we give up that we fail.

12-3-16 I've been thinking a lot lately about the nature of fulfillment and what that looks like. I've also been paying attention to environmental stressors and how I respond to those stressors. The two are more linked than you might think, if only because how I've set up my environment is something I've changed because I've realized its amplified the stress instead of decreasing it. Seems to me that stress and fulfillment have an interesting relationship. Stress tells you that you aren't fulfilled (me anyway). So recognizing that is a good step.

12-5-16 What does it really mean to have a safe relationship? I've been pondering that the last few days.

12-9-16 Today Sun Ce died. I got him as a kitten thirteen years ago. He hadn't been eating much this week, so we took him in...It turned out he was in renal failure and it didn't look good. So we made the hard decision to let him go. I didn't want to keep him alive for my sake and the quality of life would not have been good. So we put him to sleep. I held him for a bit and said my goodbyes as did the rest of the family. I am so sad, I miss him so much and I know it will hit me at odd moments when I don't hear him or see him...I love you Sun Ce. Rest in peace.

12-10-16 Sun Ce's death has hit me hard. I look for him in his usual places and he isn't there. I hear his meow and then I realize it's just in my mind. Granted he died yesterday, so of course his death would be on my mind, but I think why it hits me so hard is because he was really the first cat that I got, that was mine. I had other cats before him, but back in December of 2003 I walked in the snow to a pet store and saw this little Gray and White kitten, so fierce and playful and he spoke to me. He told me he wanted to go home with me. So I took him home with me. He could fit into the palm of my hand...

I realized yesterday that I took Sun Ce for granted in some ways. I had this notion that he would be with me for at least a few more years. He had been with me through so much, and I just took that presence for granted. I love him, but I wonder if I could've done more for him. To him, I was always first. He always wanted attention from me, more than anyone else, because I was the person he'd chosen. Even when other people were giving him attention he'd look over at me, letting me know that who he really wanted attention and love from was me. And now he's gone. I'll never see his eyes looking toward me for attention or feel his fur under my hand and hear the rumble of his purr or hear him meow for attention.

I miss him so keenly. I was doing my stillness meditation today and I felt my emotions surge and my mind drift to him. Part of me wanted to just hold on so tightly and I realized how that was attachment, but it didn't change that I felt these emotions so strongly. He is gone, my Kirin beast, my Sun Ce and now all I have are memories of him. No more experiences to look forward, no more days to travel together, no more moments of comfort and love. It makes me realize how easy it is to take for granted who is important to you in your life. You can fall into the illusion that they'll be here forever, but there is no forever and there is no guarantee that they'll be there from one day to the next.  So whether its a cat or a person I resolve to be more present and appreciative of the moment I'm with those beings who are important to me. And in doing that I hope I can also honor Sun Ce and appreciate this one last lesson he's given me.

12-17-16 In The True Source of Healing, the author talks about how seeking stillness actually keeps you from it. He's right. The past few months I've sought it and it's eluded me. So for this last week instead of trying to force it I just sat and let whatever happen, happen. And lo and behold there were a few days where I hit stillness. It's a good reminder that what a person fixates on is what is hardest to grasp. The more you want something, the further it can be, but when you can just let go, do what you need to do and let it happen, it happens. In my case, it being stillness. I let myself be still instead of trying to seek stillness.

Beyond that I've continued to process Sun Ce's death. I've been in denial some ways, looking for him in places he would usually be. Eventually I'll hit acceptance.

12-20-16 We had to go to the vet again because one of our other cats was throwing up. Turned out, he's just stressed by Sun Ce's death, but it was a little nerve racking for us, so soon after Sun Ce's death. At a solstice vigil I attended, during the meditation, I ended up connecting with Sun Ce. He wanted to check on me. It surprised me...it wasn't what I expected, but this loss has been on my mind so much and I think it was his way of reassuring me that wherever he is, he's fine and its ok to let go.

 

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 25

sigil 10-23-16 In my latest newsletter I wrote about how my feeling of dissatisfaction drove me to experiment and I thought I should spend some time with that feeling, so I meditated on it today in my stillness work. And not for the purpose of doing anything with it, but rather to just appreciate the feeling for what it is in my life and how it's shown up. I can't say all expressions of my dissatisfaction have been healthy (because it hasn't), but in a lot of ways that feeling has been positive. I wouldn't have written the books I've written or experimented with magic or done so many other things if I didn't have that feeling of dissatisfaction. It highlights to me that its important to to look at a feeling and emotion in terms of how it shows up in your life, acknowledging the expressions of it, instead of just labeling it.

10-31-16 The other day I did almost all my meditations with ear plugs on. It was fascinating because when I was doing my vocal chants, I could hear the vibration more with the ear plugs in. I also noticed I went deeper into the meditative state for each exercise, so I think I will keep doing this practice and see what comes of it. If nothing else it's another way to experience stillness and work with it on a deeper level.

11-6-16 In today's meditation on Stillness I was struck by a realization that what makes a person feel trapped in a situation are the perceptions and the beliefs the person brings to the situation and the lies the person tells him/herself about that feeling of being trapped. I'm not saying there aren't external factors, because sometimes there are, but in my own life what has usually kept me in unhappy situations has had more to do with me and my own unwillingness to face the truth than anything else. What stillness continues to teach me is how to see through my own BS, how to own it and just uncover the real narrative. It is sometimes very uncomfortable, but afterwards the trap is no longer there. I have let myself out of my own cage.

11-7-16 I am my own worst enemy and sometimes that only becomes apparent when I create situations where I sabotage myself because I haven't really been present with the narrative.

11-11-16 So much of what I've struggled with in my life comes down to feeling empty. And when I look at that feeling and how it shows up in my life, so much of what I see is that its at the root of so much of my unhappiness and of the bad decisions I've made in my life. Trying to fill that emptiness up has never worked. And I've made some progress with it, but there are times where it feels like that progress is illusory at best.

11-14-16 In my experience there is a certain type of artist or writer or musician who feels such passion and dedication to the work they are doing that there is little to no emotional space left in that person's life for anyone else or for anything else. Loving such a person or being their friend can be a draining experience, because there is no balance. Everything is put toward what they create and while what they create is amazing, what is left for anyone else is well...nothing. You know you are never their top priority or even equal to the art, music, or writing. Everything you give is not reciprocated...instead it is applied toward what they are doing. Having been in several relationships with such people, I find that it is very hard to be with such a person because you know you will always be second to what is most important to them.

I've never been that kind of writer or artist. While I love writing, I find I need a certain balance with it, which includes time with other people and time enjoying other pursuits. Even with magic, which again is something I love, I have still nonetheless found a balance that makes sense for me and allows me to place it in context to everything else in my life.

But if there is one relationship in my life that I can liken to that of the artist or writer who is so focused on their craft, it is my relationship with emptiness, because at times I have felt like I have put everything into that emptiness and had it all sucked away, with unfortunately no creative result to even justify it. And there have been times where that relationship has taken such priority that it has overshadowed any other relationship I have. Nonetheless I am fortunate because the people in my life are willing to call me out on my issues, but also love me and believe in me and that is so precious that it helps me to continue doing this work to balance my relationship with that feeling and enter into something that is healthier as a result.

11-16-16 Even though I write about my internal work and my struggles it feels odd to know I'll talk with them to someone, other than Kat or a trusted friend. I'm well aware of the fact that there's at least one person who reads my writing for reasons that have nothing to do with spiritual enlightenment or a desire to practice magic, but the idea of talking with a stranger...it's been a while since I've done that, but sometimes what you need is a perspective that isn't informed by knowing who you are (or who someone thinks you are).

11-17-16 So I talked with a therapist today about my emptiness and all the experiences of my life that have pertained to that emptiness, the near deaths, being raped, the emotional and physical abuse, and other things...and at the end of all that he said, "You have PTSD." As simple as that. So much of my life I've tried to project this sense of strength...I've pushed people away or never let them in, and it makes sense. And ironically the very thing I've been struggling with the emptiness, has been the mechanism I've used to push people away, to numb myself from everything that happened. And I realize now why I've focused so much on physical sensation, because I've used physical sensation to feel, but also to distract from the emotions. Not an easy thing to sit with, but this therapist I'm seeing is going to help with it. He's got a special technique he uses. When he used it today, it felt like my mind was being rewired. It helped me process some realizations on an emotional level.

11-20-16 I met with the therapist again on Friday and we did an 1 and a half hours of work using the technique. By the end my brain felt like it was on fire, but even more interesting was a feeling difference in how I relate to certain feelings and experiences. I got a look at the technology he uses and I think I'll pick it up for myself. I think there are a number of applications I could apply it to outside the therapeutic model. One thing the therapist is having me do is look at my relationship with emptiness differently. Had I considered it was a protective mechanism? Not really, but now I actually can see how it has been a protective mechanism in its own way when it comes to how I handle emotions.

11-22-16 This entire month has been an interesting journey. I have a different perspective about my emptiness, and for the first time I actually feel I don't have to struggle with it, that I might just be able to live with it and even have it as an ally. And my stillness work has benefitted from taking this approach. I've actually been able to feel that stillness more deeply.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 24

sigil 9-26-16 Sometimes stillness meditation isn't about stillness, but is about the state of mind stillness puts me in. I won't be able to fully still my mind, but I can think about things that are on my mind in a way that allows me to put information together and make decisions differently than in my everyday consciousness. So I'll start thinking about a problem and come up with a solution in stillness meditation that would've taken me longer to achieve outside of it. It makes me realize that sometimes being still is really just allowing myself to look at a situation or problem differently.

10-1-16 The last few days I've felt like I've been in a whirlwind. There are so many ideas in my head, so much awareness around what I need to modify and change. It's a bit intimidating, to be honest, but I know I'm up for the challenge. And in the midst of all of it, just practicing stillness, becoming the calm center and keeping myself open to opportunity, while also staying focused on the prize.

10-4-16 The last few days I've been visually mapping what I'll be working on and how I'll be working on it. Doing that is helping me to wrap my head around the work I'll be doing over the next few months. I'm excited about the work and the possible results that will occur if I just knuckle down and do it.

10-5-16 Today it really hit me. I've once again decided to embark on some huge changes and there was this sense of fear and panic. I allowed myself to feel it, to fully step into it and it was terrifying. Change is terrifying and ironically in the midst of all this stillness work I've probably done more changing than I'd ever done before. Yet the lesson in all of this is really finding that center of stillness and still going through with the change. Stillness isn't about being static (or at least it shouldn't be). Stillness has taught me to be present with the change, to accept it for what it is and what it can do for me, but also not to just react to it. And feelings like fear and panic are reactions. So I can be still and feel those feelings and accept them and they may even inform some of why I act, but in being still with them I can get to the narrative underneath and start working with it.

10-14-16 The last couple of weeks I've been very focused on working on my online marketing. The light came on and I could see what I needed to do differently and that's pretty much informed everything I've done since then. I get this way on occasion, where the totality of my being is wrapped up in what I'm working on and I disappear into it. I suppose that's a kind of stillness as well. I haven't really felt still though. I've felt restless, my mind racing in a lot of a different directions. Not what you want when you're trying for stillness, but sometimes I'm just that way and I still strive to achieve stillness and I'm glad I do, because if I let a moment of restlessness stop me from doing the work than I've given up. If I keep trying though...there will days I won't hit stillness, but there will also be days I do.

10-18-16 Sometimes the best moments of stillness are found in the quiet moments you share with people who are important to you. You could cuddle with a lover or friend, or enjoy an experience and in that moment there's nothing to be said. It's just about appreciating you and the experience of the person with you.

10-19-16 Today I used ear plugs when doing my stillness meditation. It was interesting because suddenly all I could hear was my heart. It was a very intimate experience and I found myself paying close attention to my heart beat and using that to lead me to a place of stillness. I'll keep trying the ear plugs out and see what else comes up as a result.

10-20-16 Sometimes it is hard to be patient with myself. I'm working my way through a class that will help me make some differences to my business, but part of me wants it all done now and when I haven't made a lot of progress because of other circumstances, I get impatient. The thing is sometimes circumstances do come up and they have to be dealt with. This week a lot of domestic matters have come up that have required my attention because I'm the person holding down the home front. So part of stillness is reminding myself to be patient, get to the work when I can, but also take care of the home. And I also know that implementing what I'm working on will take time and its better to be thorough than to rush it.

10-21-16 Yesterday I didn't use ear plugs and today I did. The only noticeable difference so far is that the ear plugs make me more aware of my bodily rhythms, which is still significant in its own right. Still it's early to come to any conclusion, so I'll keep experimenting with them and seeing what happens over a longer period of time.

In other news I'm 40 today. I've been thinking about that a lot this month. I don't know if its really more significant or not, other than it marks the ending of my third decade of life and the beginning of my fourth. When I look back on my thirties I see a stormy beginning and then gradually my life stabilizing. I feel like I figured what I really want to do with my life, in my thirties, as well as who/what is really important to me. Now as I turn 40 I want the next decade to really be about bringing all of that together. I've had my struggles and successes...I've learned a lot and I look forward to continuing to learn even more.

Happy Birthday to me.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 23

sigil 8-27-16 After I committed to working with stillness for another year, I had another of those gravitational experiences, where I felt like I was a center of mass that was bringing things toward me by just being still. It was fascinating that it happened after the commitment, kind of a way of Stillness acknowledging my choice and perhaps spurring me on as well. It was tantalizing to experience, and So I just allowed myself to experience it without filtering it or trying to control it. In one sense it was really a surrender to stillness, and that realization provides an important clue about the gravitational experiences.

8-28-16 I had a fascinating experience today with Stillness. Everything slowed down, but instead of being a gravitational effect, or a possibility effect, it was an effect where I could see how all the pieces of events or actions fit together and I could also see how they could be fit together alternatively for different results. It was a distinct state of experience from the latter two, yet similar to them in some ways as well. I'd never experienced it before, via this meditation (though I've had a similar state of experience on other occasions). Being able to activate these various states of consciousness at will would be quite useful, but even in just doing this work it's revealing a lot to me about the nature and depth of stillness.

8-31-16 Throughout my journey into stillness, shame has been a part of the journey. I'm reading a book called Unashamed that I got through Vine. It's a Christian's take on shame. I hadn't expected that when I got the book through Vine, but I'm finding it to be a fascinating read and relevant to the work I'm doing with shame. You might wonder why shame keeps coming up with stillness, but my sense of it is that when you still yourself, you come up against the parts of your life you've been moving away from. Stillness is about being, so naturally shame and other related emotions come up. It's an invitation to work through the shame and so much of this journey has really been about shame as about stillness. I'm glad for that because it has been quite liberating.

9-3-16 I've been learning about some vibrations chants a person can use to deal with different physical conditions. I'm going to experiment with them, but also see if I can't intersperse them with silence (stillness) and see what happens as a result. It's part of the practice in any case, but I'm finding it fascinating how much sound and silence connect together, and of course it's been this work with stillness that's lead me down this route.

9-6-16 Some people will always judge you by who you were and the mistakes you've made. I had lunch with one of my authors who told me that a case of guilt by association occurred. We talked about it and I was transparent about me and my flaws and my work toward addressing those flaws. I am most certainly not a perfect person and I have done some stupid things. I've also worked hard to address the issues underlying those actions and to make the appropriate changes. And regardless I know some people will still judge me for who I was. That's part of life and what I've learned is to keep doing the work to become a better person and let go of attachment to caring about how people might judge me. It's always easier after all to throw a rock at someone, rather than actually take a good hard look at your shit and actually do the responsible thing of owning it and working on it. I prefer the latter course, because while it's initially harder, it gets a lot easier as you keep going.

9-7-16 When you have different parts of yourself that have unexpressed needs, what you have to discover is how to met those needs sanely and in a healthy manner that respects the boundaries of all people involved with you. With stillness work I have sometimes really come up close to a part of myself that feels a need or desire, but it isn't being expressed, and so what stillness has allowed me to do is communicate with that part and figure out what can be done to express that need. I think this could be applied to other people, in terms of helping them discover how to meet their needs and wants, in a manner that is healthy and respectful. Today I figured out a way to address a need of mine by interacting with that part of myself that needed an acknowledgement and an outlet. I've figured out what the outlet will be and have already started work on the first expression of it.

9-8-16 I said I was feeling tired earlier, but as I sat with that feeling...nope the tired is just the surface level narrative. I'm feeling pissed off, irritable and pessimistic. I get this way sometimes, and I know what's making me feel this way. Some of its dealing with politics as usual in the Pagan community, some of its my own self doubt rearing its head, and some of it is just ongoing issues that need to be worked through but sometimes are very hard to work through. I'll get over it, but it feels good to express it, albeit in a place where I won't necessarily get expressions of sympathy, which is the last thing I need.

9-11-16 It hit me today that ten years ago I was living in Seattle. I only lived there for a year, but still I came to the Pacific Northwest ten years ago (well technically 10 and a half years ago). So much has happened since then, good and bad. More good than bad, and I've worked for hard it. I'm in Seattle right now for the Esoteric Book Conference, so it hit me as I was driving into Seattle, remembering driving the moving truck so long ago.

9-12-16 Sometimes I feel so awkward and ashamed of my enthusiasm. I can get very enthused about a project or a person and their work and I realize it can be really intense and off-putting. I remember when I was younger how I learned to temper my enthusiasm, to rein back my interest, because people would get weird. I felt passion for something someone was doing and it became clear it was too much. They would pull back. I learned to pull back first, but occasionally I still get really enthusiastic. So I'm feeling some shame around that and sitting with it. In Unashamed, the author mentions how people clothe themselves with their shame...basically how the shame of what they feels becomes a means of hiding the narrative underneath and I think she's got a point. So sitting with shame over something is important because you uncover the narrative by feeling the shame and letting it teach you. In this case what it teaches me is about acceptance or the fear of not being accepted.

9-16-16 My brother called me tonight to tell me that my dad had some health issues come up. Hearing the news was shocking. I know he had issues, but I didn't know everything and now I do. And it makes me more aware of my own mortality and how important it is to keep exercising and taking care of myself. I'll be forty in a little over a month and I feel better than I have because of the exercising I'm doing, but this brings it home even more. It also makes me even happier that I visited him last month.

9-19-16 At this point I've pretty much decided I'm done with the Pagan convention scene. An exchange I had earlier today just demonstrates that the convention organizers have no real interest in being transparent or fair. The apathy on the presenter side of it equally convinces me that most presenters are fine with the current system, even though it screws them over. It's discouraging and disappointing, but it also illustrates why going my own way is ultimately a better choice for me, because the system isn't tenable as is.

9-21-16 It's been a chaotic few days and stillness has been hard to reach. I suppose in a way that just illustrates why its a good idea for me to work with stillness for another year. The work I've done with stillness in the last couple years has helped me go really deep into places I'd have feared to venture before. And its brought a measure of peace and contentment I've never known. So I look at these last few days and consider the circumstances for what they are and recognize how far I've come AND how much further I can go. This elemental balancing work has always been about doing the internal work and a necessary part of doing that work is being present with what is revealed so you can learn more.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 22: Keep on Keeping on

sigil 7-24-16 There are some days when I meditate where I don't have really deep experiences, where it can even be a struggle to hit the meditative state. I had one of those days today. When it happens I end up focusing on the struggle and that becomes its own meditative experience. What it reveals are the tensions within that need to be resolved, worked through and unfolded. The struggle may not lead you to a deeper state, but what it will lead you to work through whatever is holding you back.

7-29-16 Sometimes stillness is drifting on the current of possibilities without taking any action. You can feel the possibilities around you and you can explore them without doing anything. Just being, crystallized, aware and drifting. It's quite peaceable to be still and just feel what could be without necessarily doing anything to make it happen.

7-31-16 What I enjoy most about writing is the challenge of writing. Each book, each article, is its own challenge and the challenge is really what you discover about the topic, yourself, etc., in relationship to the actual writing. When I write, I'm not just putting words on a page. I'm actively discovering the subject, my identity, and so much else. Reality opens when I write. I coax it to reveal secrets that I might liberate them and share them with everyone else. And in return I give something of myself.

8-4-16 I'm in South Dakota visiting my dad. It's interesting to visit a place where my ancestors have lived, to learn more about them, and also to be in this place that hosted some of my family. I feel a connection to this land. It's not a connection that says I need to life here, but it is a connection that says please acknowledge me and acknowledge this place which helped shape your ancestors and had some role in your life as well. I felt a similar connection to the New England area where my mom's side of the family originate from. I didn't realize it back then, but I see it now.

8-5-16 A person is never shaped in a void. The behaviors, the choices, and the actions are the responsibility of the person, but they are also contextually shaped by the experiences they've had, by the people who've acted on them, by the history of family and community. I see this in relationship to my dad. I've asked him questions about his life, seen places that are meaningful to him, presently and in the past, and in his stories have learned about not just him, but my aunt (who I never met) and my grandparents and great grandparents. I'll never know the entire story, because I wasn't there, but even in what is not said, one can learn a lot if one pays attention. I feel sad I never met my aunt, and feel a deeper sense of compassion for my dad and his experiences, as I weigh them in relationship to my own childhood and experiences thereafter. I see my own choices and actions in a different light. Context changes so much and should never be ignored, for what it reveals can help you situate what you've experienced, can help you understand and can open you to feeling compassion for the people in your life.

8-7-16 I'm back from South Dakota. It was a good trip. I learned a lot about my ancestors on my dad's side of the family and got some stuff figured out as a result that helped me with some internal work I've been doing around family. Life is too short to hold on to blockages, but sometimes the only way to work through those blockages involves discovering the context around them. In some ways this trip was very much about that for me.

8-11-16 The hardest thing about sitting with shame is the being present with the emotion. You want to run away. You want to hide. Because when you feel shame you are really being called on your issues and the challenge is what will you do with what you feel? Will you bury it? Will you pretend its not there? Will you beat yourself up with it? Or will you simply hold space with it, feel it, and let it open you up to the deeper truths that you're really scared of? The hardest thing to do of all the options and yet paradoxically the easiest is to just sit with it and feel it and allow what you feel to liberate you with the insights you get from it. The reason its the hardest thing to do is because you actually have to feel your shame...really feel it. The reason its the easiest is because once you feel it and get to the underlying narrative, you are no longer the captive of your shame. Of course, this also depends on what actions you take to to deal with the source of your shame.

I've done a lot of work around shame this year, but sometimes I still struggle to sit with it. It is an emotion that really forces you to see yourself up close and personal, beyond any deceits you tell yourself. To see yourself so rawly, to see your weaknesses and flaws and feel them so intimately is hard work, yet it is also necessary work. You can't change yourself without being willing to dig in and discover who you are and come to a better relationship with all of yourself. And really to make any change to yourself, you need to actually accept who you are and discover why you are the way you are...then those changes can be made.

My recent trip to South Dakota and hearing about my family history gave me a lot to consider and recognize about myself. I could see how who I am has been shaped by my family, even in cases where I never met the person. And that then changes my relationship with shame as well because I am able to see that narrative from another angle.

I'm still sitting with my shame and I'm still struggling with it sometimes and I'm ok with that.

8-13-16 I did a meditation today where I accessed my ancestors, used the genetics and my time awareness to touch on their lives, to touch on them. It's interesting how much the trip to South Dakota has prompted me to explore my past. The experience was kind of like Jean Auel's description of how the one group of humans used their memories to go back to their past and relive the lives of their ancestors. It gives me some ideas for further exploration in regards to space/time magic, but also provides some more context to shape and work in relationship the past and future of this embodiment of life I am.

8-21-16 I've decided to extend my work with the element of stillness for another year, which will make it the longest amount of time in which I've worked with an element. Why another year? I recognize the temptation to stay still forever, though if anything in the time I've worked with stillness so much has changed internally and externally in my life. I've come face to face with a lot of internal work I needed to do, and also experienced the richness of stillness and yet I know I there is more to experience and work with. There are certain states of experience I've just touched on in the last month or so, and I want to work with them deeper, yet I feel it would be a distraction if I shifted to another element. So I'm sticking with Stillness for another year. There is a lot to discover in it that will have direct bearing on other work I am either doing or planning to do over the next ten years.

 

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 21: Giving and Receiving

sigil 6-26-16 Sometimes I like to let my mind wander. I'll lay down for a bit and just let my thoughts go and see what comes up. It's a good way of setting your creativity free. It's not the same as meditation for the purpose of clearing your mind, yet it can be a form of stillness on its own, because in letting your thoughts go free, you also allow yourself to become still. Your thoughts wander every which way and you just observe them. It frees up the creative juices and ignites the inspiration.

Doing this exercise has been helpful for me for when I'm feeling writer's block. When I write I can see the big picture, but sometimes putting the pieces together is hard. So afterwards this exercise helps to loosen the mind up. It helps you get back into the writing space, open to new discoveries.

6-29-16 Felix gave me a copy of the Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer. I started reading it that night and her story really hit me on a deep level, especially around the struggle people have with asking. I know that struggle so well, because I've always had that struggle around asking. Opening up that intimately, being that vulnerable...I've learned it slowly in the last few years. I'm still learning it, but I can see that I'm learning it and feel really good about it. I don't need to put myself behind walls of self-sufficiency. I can actually rely on people if I choose to let them in. I couldn't have that six years ago.

7-3-16 I gave myself permission today to slow down on a project and do some additional research. I've occasionally just dove in without really considering the ramifications of my choice. In this case I was putting pressure on myself to have this project underway by a certain date and I realized the pressure really wasn't worth it. So I evaluated the project and recognized that I need to do some research and then do some digestion to figure out what I really want to do with it. If executed properly this project will be very helpful, but if it isn't, it could take up valuable time and effort.

You know for all that this year has been about stillness, this has been one of the busiest years of my life, with so much change happening. The stillness has come in handy for actually keeping me steady and focused while managing all the change. And I think it'll continue to help me down the line because there will undoubtedly be more changes like this.

In the Art of Asking, an interesting point is made that if you love people enough, they'll give you everything. I struggle with that sentiment. Then again I struggle with sharing in general. Despite the fact that I'm a writer and actually share a lot, there are moments where it can be a real struggle. A lot of that struggle has more to do with me and my issues than anything else. And I think in this case it's a struggle to receive, when you've decided to share. I can share, but to receive in return? It can be painful, because when I receive I'm letting people in, letting them see me. Really see me.

7-4-16 It hit me today...a combination of reading the Art of Asking and seeing someone else I admire make some changes in her groups. When you give something, what you are really doing is deepening the relationship. You're inviting people in and you're trusting them and you're also building trust. I never really got that before. I'd cringe at the idea of giving something away for free, but that was because I didn't really understand what was happening. And now...I do...I get it. It's like a light clicked on. I need to map it out, but now my understanding is changed. It feels vulnerable, but also empowering. Letting go of control in order to see what happens.

7-7-16 I met with Antero Alli yesterday. I've decided to take his Zero lab for Paratheatre and part of the process involved the interview. I'm glad it did because it gave both of us a chance to feel each other out. In the very rare occasions where I've chosen a mentor, it's always occurred via in an in-person meeting, where we've got a sense of each other physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There's a kind of spiritual transmission that occurs in such a meeting. It's not quite the same as a full on spiritual transmission. It's more of an introduction, yet it is significant because it is how you determine if the person you might work with is in fact someone you should work with.

On a different note my experience with stillness has shifted somewhat. I've recently begun to recognize how stillness can be a gravity well, where you are still, but what you need is brought toward you by the gravity aspect of stillness.

7-10-16 First day at Disney. I let my inner child out. I had more fun than I've had in a long time. There were some interesting moments of stillness experienced, particularly in just letting go and having fun, having the experience, and just being in the experience. I'm glad I get to share this experience with my family.

7-11-16 Today I went on a 3 hour tour of Disney land, learning the history and some of the marketing behind Disney Land. What I found most fascinating was how this one person had a vision and stuck with it. He also believed in the imagination and wanted to engage the imagination of people the world over. I'd say he's succeeded. I admire that kind of drive and dedication to one's vision.

7-12-16 Tonight we attended The World of Color presentation. All these people were at it and it was amazing and I could feel this energy going through the crowd, responding to the presentation. It wasn't attention. It was belief. The myopic perspectives that many magicians have about pop culture magic occur because they have little in the way of imagination or capacity to consider that just because something isn't traditional, doesn't mean it can't have power or real impact on people. The experiences I've had over the last few days confirm all over again the validity of pop culture magic. I'll write more about in a separate post, but more than ever I'm quite pleased with how pop culture magic has become more relevant, more prevalent...its not going away, no matter how much some people wish it would would.

7-14-16 Today I started crying...not sad crying, but rather crying because I felt these walls in my heart melt. I felt such love for Kat, such a recognition of how dear she is to me, how much I love her, how much she means to me, how deeply she has touched my life. I've never cried like that for anyone other than when I had to leave my mom when I was young, and its not like I'm leaving Kat, but its rather that I just realize how much I love her, how important she is and how glad I am that we found each other.

7-18-16 Back from Disneyland. It feels surreal. I entered into this alternate dimension for 5 days and now I'm back, but I've been changed by the experience. I'd never been there before, but allowing myself to really get into the experience brought up so many memories from my childhood. For that matter my inner child got to thoroughly come out and enjoy just being a kid again. That's really how I felt, while there. I could just be a kid. It was a life changing experience. I'm still processing it, but I'm so glad I went.

7-21-16 Over the last week I've noticed that my stillness meditation has changed a bit. The experience of Stillness has become like a field of gravity, where I am still, and events, people, etc., are pulled toward me. It's quite fascinating and I'm going to experiment with it further. I know this experience can happen because I've read about it, but until recently it didn't happen with me. And it wasn't something I was looking for so much as it just started to happen on its own.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 20: Fear Unfolding

sigil 5-23-16: We're all in a process of learning. There's never a moment where you have it all figured out. Even when you think you have it figured, you'll uncover something else that'll show that you don't. That's something I love about living life. The realizations are't always pleasant or fun, but I'm always learning and that love of learning is what makes life exciting to be apart of.

5-25-16 Today I was hit with this feeling of fear. Fear of change, but also fear of mortality...and I don't mean death, but more like recognizing I'm aging and how much more work has to go into taking care of the body and feeling fear around that. It happened because I was given some new exercises to do by my acupuncturist and then afterwards he did the session with me and in it I just felt this fear come up. When I told him about it, he said that fear is held in by the Kidneys, which is true, so I guess it isn't surprising that as we're continuing to do this work on my lower back, some fears rear their heads, but its no fun to feel it and to recognize how in some ways that fear has shown more subtly in the challenges I'm dealing in my life and business.

I realize I feel a fear of change because I realize I'm not as young as I was. When you're young, you shrug things off, but as you get older, you feel much more intimately the frailty of the flesh and that's scary to recognize. I did some Taoist meditation later on and I'm going to keep working with this fear, which I think of as the fear of the mid life crisis.

5-28-16 The last few days I've been going in deep with that fear I've been feeling and just stilling myself while I'm with it. It washes over me like an ocean wave, the roar of the wave coming down, the power threatening to take me under, but I am still and I allow it to wash over me so I can experience it profoundly and allow myself to recognize the attachment I have to it. The attachment is that the fear, in its own way, is a justification for whatever isn't working.  And so in releasing that attachment I go deeper into the narrative behind that attachment and what I see is how that narrative is really about trying to avoid making changes or adapting to changes, perhaps because so much change has already happened.

6-4-16 Today I thought about an incident that occurred in high school. I was on tennis team, as was this other kid who was a bit of a braggart. No one on the team liked either of us. I was that weird id who wasn't from the area originally, and he was the braggart. So a few of the other kids on the high school team decided to approach me to beat up this other kid. I think they had this notion that because I lived in a city prior to living in York, I'd know how to fight, or maybe they just figured that if both of us fought, we'd both get kicked off the team. So they manipulated me into fighting him. I didn't see at the time. I think I wanted to feel accepted and for once they were being kind of nice to me. So I got into the fight with the braggart. I bloodied my knuckles. He bloodied his. I lost the fight, but he got kicked off the team. We both got manipulated.

So why am I even writing about this? Well I've been doing further work around that fear I felt and not surprisingly anger has come up as well, and part of what comes up with those emotions are the associated memories and experiences you haven't fully dealt with. So I'm writing about that experience because It's something I've held on to...it's been an attachment that's held me back. I've entered into stillness to really feel it and I'll probably do that over the next few sessions because that's how you let go of those attachments that would otherwise hold you back.

6-10-16 I'm feeling really good about some choices I've made professionally and personally as a result of the stillness work I've done. By stilling myself and really checking in with myself I'm not compromising anymore. I'm going to focus on staying true to how I need to show up because that's what really matters. The time I have and really my overall life satisfaction requires that level of honesty. And following through on it, results wise verifies that I'm on the right course.

6-11-16 I've been thinking about my high school experiences a bit, which isn't surprising given that my daughter just graduated from high school. I hated high school. I was an outsider, and it was made very clear to me everyday. When I graduated, I was really happy to finish up and get out. I knew I was leaving behind a place and people that provided little in the way of joy. For some people high school is an experience they miss. They look forward to the reunions and reminiscing over that period of time. I'll never go to a high school reunion because why would I spend time with people who hated me? There's little reason to reminisce. If anything it is now that is important, now that I enjoy because life is so much richer and deeper.

6-13-16 I got featured on a who's who list of occultists. I'll admit to being surprised that I got on any such list. The surprise is there in part because I've made it a point to just do my own thing. I'm not really involved in most of the occult drama that happens on the web or otherwise, and that's become very purposeful on my part, because I'd rather just focus on doing what I do and focus on helping the people who feel called to come my way. I'll just keep doing that and if I get recognized or not, it's all the same to me.

6-22-16 Fear comes in a variety of forms and the work of stillness, in part, is learning how to be present with all those forms of fear so that instead of them controlling you, you learn how to be present with them and work with them to educate yourself. A lot of this month I've just been sitting with my fears, really allowing myself to get to know them. I've found it to be quite empowering in its own right. So often the fear a person feels can stew underneath the surface and erupt, but never really be worked with. In stilling myself and really allowing myself to feel it on my terms, I've opened myself to it and allowed my fear to teach me. It'll be continuing work, but I'm glad I'm doing it.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 19: Acceptance

sigil 4-24-16 Yesterday I caught up to the last chapter I written in my superhero novel. It was a scary moment, because now it means I have to start writing the rest of the book. One of the books I've been reading on writing, Ensouling Language, discusses the fear the writer feels at looking at a blank page, or in this case a partially completed chapter, because the writer is revealing something of their selves, but in my experience its also the fear of "will I have anything to write". And that's a tough fear to face down. I feel it every time I start to write. And then I actually write and that fear melts into the writing along with the other emotions and writing is created. I'll admit in this case the fear is can I write fiction again after so long. The only way to find out is to start writing.

4-27-16 I just finished reading a YA book, Life by Committee. I found it quite interesting because the main character basically joins a website where other people come up with assignments for her to do, based on secrets she shares. I suppose what struck me about it was that in some ways it was an abdication of responsibility for her actions, because someone else was making the decisions.

Speaking of that I've decided to write a relationship contract for myself. I realize just how much my relationships are shaped by other influences and a friend suggested that I consider writing a relationship contract....really making a conscious decision on how relationships of any type will look and what my role in them is. I figure its a good idea to try this and see what I come up with from a place of intention.

4-28-16 When you compromise yourself, you compromise everything coming from you, because it has the burden of what you did on it, until such a time as that is changed or resolved. I wrote that today on Facebook, but I'm also writing it here. I have compromised myself sometimes and whenever I have, I've noticed my creativity goes down and I'm not as happy or focused, or anything else I could be. It's a reminder to stay true to myself, stay true to the art, writing and magic and to the people who are important in my life, because when I compromise I'm not showing up for any of that in the way I want. We all do it at one time or another but how much do we give away...more I think than any of us realize and whatever we've gotten in return isn't worth because it is temporary at best.

5-4-16 Sometimes my experience of stillness is the experience of inertia, of nothing moving no matter what you do. The temptation is to give in and stop trying and that may even be justified in the short term, but in the long term it leads to stasis, which I suppose is the ultimate form of stillness. But this is all about finding balance, so that form of stillness doesn't really work in the long run, because there is no balance in stasis.

5-6-16 Occasionally I get into conversations with new acquaintances where they tell me how my work has stood out to them or influenced them. It always surprises me, not the least because for the most part its not something I hear often. I guess I have been hearing it a bit more often though and it's kind of gratifying to hear from someone who says, your work moved me. My work has always been on the fringe of magic and Paganism, not traditional enough for most people, and it took me a long time to accept that. But stick around long enough and I suppose it comes around.

5-7-16 I got into a conversation with my brother yesterday about anger and parenting. What stood out to me about the conversation was hearing how my dad had admitted how unhealthy his anger issues had been for us, but also recognizing a familial history around anger. My dad's anger has always been volcanic...it just erupts. I learned early on to suppress my anger and rage because if I expressed it I got punished for it, but this in turn lead to volcanic eruptions for me with anger, for a long time. I've gotten much better about it over the years because of the internal work I've done around anger, emptiness and other related emotions, but it really stood out to me that I have a similar expression of anger as my brother and my dad have, and this makes me think that my dad must've had similar experiences as a kid, where his dad would have a volcanic anger eruption and my dad would have to keep his feelings to himself. I don't know if that's true, but it likely is, and this gets me thinking about my great-grandfather, his father and so on and so forth. People don't typically think of the family history of an emotion and how it's handled (in no small part because even with today's standards of life span we usually don't meet people in the family more than 3 generations back). But there is a history to such emotions and while I can't have a chat with my grandfather or great-grandfather or his father to discover how they handled anger, I can make an educated guess.

Now you might wonder why I would even bother. Why is this relevant at all? I think it's relevant because if you want to change behavior it's worth understanding where that behavior comes from and not just in terms of where it originates from you, but also where it originates from in your family. I don't know for sure if every male ancestor from my father's side had volcanic eruptions of anger, but recognizing the pattern in myself, my brother and my dad says there's something there and how that helps me is knowing that this pattern of behavior doesn't come from a void. It has a history and origins and that makes it easier to understand and work with. There is so much that informs our identities and I think we often ignore a lot of it because of the shortness of our lives. We don't take the long view, when perhaps we would benefit from at least trying to.

5-14-16 On the rare occasions I run into someone I don't like, I've been using my stillness work to recognize my dislike and then just be still. Today I ran into someone I didn't like and I just stilled myself and let it go. He was just a person I briefly had to deal with and then my day continued on. I like that approach. It's something I'll need to use a couple times in the next couple of months and giving it a test drive today was useful.

5-15-16 I think that some of the biggest challenges I've had with Stillness has really been around maintaining that sense of Stillness. The last few months has been so busy for me and as a result I've felt really challenged to be still or to settle into stillness. Yet I think that challenge has been really appropriate because life doesn't stand still, so if you want to cultivate stillness you've got to be willing to do it while also experiencing life. It's hard work, but its also realistic work.

5-19-16 It's been a crazy week. Kat was sick and as a result my own schedule went upside down. Nothing unmanageable, but it was a lesson in just letting go. I had to let go of my usual schedule and also just put some projects on hold to focus on what was most important: Helping her get back to a place of health and taking care of the rest of the family as well. It was an exercise in Stillness, in its own right, because I just had to accept the situation and work with it. Stillness is about acceptance. You accept the situation. And in that acceptance you actually open yourself to the possibilities in the situation and make it into what it can be.

5-21-16 Kat and I've been watching 12 Monkeys, the TV series, and at one point the father of the main character says "You only fail when you give up." Wise words. I pondered those words a few times this week, thinking about how important it is to never give up on what you are called to do. What being still has provided me is the depth of clarity about why I'm called to do what I do. It's provided me a deeper acceptance about where I am and what I'm doing and helping me not stress about what is or isn't working. And at the same time I've still got to work my process and make things happen. I think I'm beginning to figure out this balance between stillness and doing, being and moving. There is place for being still and yet still doing something...you just have to be patient in figuring out how it works. The beauty of it is that there is so much benefit once you figure that relationship out, because you are able to be still and yet move in a way that works for you.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 18: The Ugly Spirit

sigil 3-27-16 What's said in a moment of reaction should always be questioned because it was said in a moment of reaction. It's said with the heat of emotion, which shouldn't be ignored, but you want to question it as well. Acknowledge the emotion, but don't let the emotion define the context so much that something is missed. Not easy work to do in a situation where there's a lot of reaction. However it's necessary work that can save you and other people a lot of grief. And if you do say something in reaction or hear someone say something as a reaction give yourself and/or that person the benefit of the doubt, because chances are what's being expressed is just the service level of what needs to be expressed.

3-28-16 It's so easy to take someone for granted and when you do that it's really because you're so caught up in your own narrative that you aren't seeing the person but instead your seeing your narrative about that person. When you recognize that its time to admit it and still that narrative. Focus on really being open and present to the person instead of just making assumptions. When you do that you'll stop taking the person for granted.

3-29-16 In doing stillness work around appreciation, I realized how much appreciation is about respect and acknowledgement and that if you don't feel those things, it can cause a lot of resentment to build, which creates stagnancy in the relationships you have with people. When I was growing up, I was taught to express appreciation for everything and always made a point to thank people for the things they did for me. I think its a good behavior to have, but it also can bring up some feelings of not being appreciated when you aren't thanked for what you do or share.

4-2-16 I'm reading the Magical Universe of William S. Burroughs, which is a magical biography of the writer. I think I'll write a post in greater detail about my own magical experiences with Burroughs, but in reading the book its gotten me reflecting on how I'm coming full circle with my writing, coming back to what really inspired me as a writer. I'm leaving the dead weight of academia behind and I'm glad I'm doing that because there was a time where I was rather concerned that academia had killed my writing. But that didn't happen. And in reading Burroughs and reading about him, I feel like I'm reconnecting to a perspective as a writer that is experimental and pushes limits...which is part of what writing should be.

4-6-16 Today when I did my stillness work I sat with a feeling of comparison, specifically how I compare myself to other people and how that comparison sometimes creates more internal conflict than really needs to exist. I'm trying to launch my latest class and its been a bit of a flop. I had these high expectations, because I'd taken this class and learned some new skills, so when things didn't turn out quite the way I hoped I started going into that spiral of comparing myself to others. So I just sat with that today and really felt it and recognized how so much of that narrative goes back to things said to me by people over the years. People who I thought would be supportive, but weren't supportive in the way I needed. I told Kat last some of these feelings and she just told me she believed in me. She's been the only person who's consistently told me that and shown it in actions. Having that kind of support, that kind of belief is so precious.

4-7-16 Today Bune and I had a heart to heart conversation. He told me something I really needed to hear: Nothing is deserved, everything is earned. I'm going to actually turn that into a sigil for myself, but he made the point that my writing is how I will earn anything so I have to put my heart and soul, my effort into it if I want to manifest something. And he's right. The last couple of days have been hard but they have also been gifts for me from the universe and I am taking the lessons to heart.

4-9-16 Funny how you read or encounter something wen you need it the most, though as Burroughs put it there is no such thing as coincidence in a magical universe. I'm reading the Business of Wanting More and the author talks about how the lack of fulfillment can be traced to certain basic needs. In my case, its a need for acceptance and connection. I have had trouble connecting to people in a meaningful way and I've not often felt accepted. And those two needs play a big role in what drives me. As the author points out though when you direct the fulfillment of those needs externally, you can never get enough. You become an addict. Thus why people become workaholics, alcoholics, or consumeraholics, among other things. It all goes back to trying to fill up that sense of emptiness, but underneath the emptiness is the narrative of acceptance and connection. Yet if I can't accept myself can I really expect anyone else to or even if I encounter it, can I recognize it? The same applies to connection. So a lot there to sit with and work with. In a way, in choosing to launch JOY, what really happened is that the universe called me out. Tough love.

4-14-16 The last few days I've been rethinking my process on launching classes. Once I got over the disappointment I was feeling I stilled myself and took a hard look at what I was trying to do and how I was doing it. I had to allow myself to feel what I felt, but I couldn't myself become attached to it. There is a difference between feeling something and dwelling on it. I felt the disappointment and then I looked at what happened, so that I could figure out what I could do differently. That's what you do...you look at your process, figure out what works and what doesn't and make changes accordingly.

4-17-16 Burroughs talked about writing the Ugly Spirit out of him. It was something I always identified with. I guess I would call my ugly spirit, the inner asshole. It's that perpetual feeling of dissatisfaction, emptiness and rage that I've grappled with throughout my life. Over the last decade I've painfully managed to come to a somewhat better relationship with it, but its an ongoing work. I suppose the elemental balancing work is, in some ways, really just this ongoing work with this aspect of myself. I look back over the years and I do see this progression and change on my part. But it hasn't been easy for people in my life, let alone myself.

I think we all have an inner asshole or ugly spirit or whatever else you want to call it. Some people work with it or struggle with it and other people just wear it openly and delude themselves into thinking they don't have it. Not everyone's inner asshole shows up in the same way, but they all want to sabotage the person they are part of. And the only thing you can really do is figure out how to work with in a way that actually helps you as a person and addresses what has created the inner asshole.

4-19-16 I had an interesting realization about connection today. On the one hand I want it and on the other hand I'm afraid of it, or maybe its better to say I'm afraid of too much of it. The rationale behind that is that too much connection is letting someone too close, so close they can hurt me and I'm rather protective about that. Something to sit with further as I continue my stillness work.

4-21-16 Kat brought something up yesterday. She suggested that I needed to stop trying to dissolve that part of me I considered the inner asshole. I needed to work with it differently. So I'm going to give it a try and she's going to work with me on it. I've never really trusted someone to work with me in that way, but I trust her because our experiences in the early part of our lives have been similar. She knows me and understands the damage, just as I know her and understand the damage. We understand each other and so I'm going to give her approach a try and see what happens.