The illusion of control
Posted on July 28, 2010
Filed Under Breathing practices, Buddhism, Inner alchemy, Taylor Ellwood, book review | View Comments
I’ve been doing some internal work lately and one of the issues that has arisen has been about control, specifically the control a person has in his/her imagination vs the control s/he has in reality. If a person feels that s/he has no control over circumstances in his/her life, there can be, sometimes, a tendency to utilize imagination to create scenarios where a person has complete control, but when you replicate those scenarios in life, you find out you actually don’t have that much control. I’m one of those people who’s had that realization at times, and when this happens its usually a good indicator that I’m reacting against the lack of control I felt I was dealing with. Problem being that even when I acted out the scenario I still didn’t have control and if anything it was emphasized how little control I had, in regards to myself.
I recognized this particular pattern of behavior recently when I started examining how I’ve used imagination to provide a feeling of control as it pertains to my sexual identity. And I’ve realized that this issue goes to the core of my sexual identity, back to when I was raped, because I had no control then. It’s replicated itself in the relationships I’ve been in, but until now I never fully acknowledged how much my tendency to fantasize has come about as a direct result of my initial experience, and a desire to have control as a safety mechanism to protect me from having such an experience again.
Yet no fantasy can really replace life or the experience of it…and there’s much less control in the experience of life, and under the right circumstances much less need as well for such control. In fact, it seems to me that the need for control is a result of the lack of self-control a person has (something which is his/her own responsibility), though it can also arise from a situation where a person was made to feel s/he had no control. As I continue to do my internal work and take responsibility for the different dysfunctions of my own life, I find that I need less control of anything else, because I have control of my responses and as long as I have that, then control of anything else ceases to matter. Or rather, more to the point, by taking control of my choices and actions, I can choose how to handle situations and be grounded in that, regardless of how things turn out. In the end the only control you do have is that which you exert over your actions, and your ability to consequently navigate through situations by understanding what you can choose to contribute or not to them.
What do you think?
Book Review: Wonders of the Natural Mind by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche
I highly recommend this book as an excellent introduction to the Bon tradition of Tibet. In this book the author explains what the Bon tradition is and how it differs from Buddhist beliefs and practices. The author explores in depth the foundational beliefs and practices of the Bon tradition while also explaining how they can be meaningfully applied to the life of the practitioner. What I like is that its also clear that this tradition has its own perspective on emptiness, which I found useful for getting a new perspective on it. Overall, I recommend this book for anyone serious about doing internal work.
Why therapy needs to complement internal work
Posted on July 25, 2010
Filed Under Inner alchemy, Taylor Ellwood, The Path is Hard | View Comments
I’ve been starting to do some internal work on an issue that was brought to my attention by my significant other. I also decided to book an appointment with my therapist. Back when I was doing the Emptiness working, my ex told me near the beginning of it that she needed me to go see a therapist as I worked through it, because it was clear to her that I was digging through a lot of emotional wounds. She was right.
Since that time I’ve realized that while doing internal work is important, having someone to go to share that work with who isn’t emotionally involved is also equally important. An objective perspective can help you keep on track and also help you deal with the rough times that inevitably occur as you deal with the internal work. A therapist can provide that, provided s/he understands the kind of work you are doing.
It is important to explain what kind of mediation you are doing, how it works etc., so that you can provide some context for how you are arriving at the conclusions you have.
The therapist I go to has been invaluable for raising perspectives and helping me understand some of the emotions that have arisen as I’ve dealt with my internal issues. The meditation I do has helped me unearth those issues, but having the therapist available has helped me make sense of them and come to a place of resolution with them. So if you’re doing a lot of internal work, it can be useful to also see a therapist in conjunction with the work you do.
Working with the monkey mind
Posted on July 23, 2010
Filed Under Body, Breathing practices, Buddhism, Inner alchemy, Taylor Ellwood, meditation | View Comments
One the issues that comes up in mediation is what Buddhists call Monkey Mind. It’s that troublesome voice that starts saying random messages to you and distracts you from meditating. For people who are trying to achieve a state of no mind, the monkey mind is particularly troublesome because its a reminder that your mind isn’t in a place of no-mind. What sometimes occur is that people will attempt to repress the monkey mind, but this usually makes it come back swinging. There’s a reason for that: It’s trying to tell you something.
Instead of repressing the monkey mind, which is ultimately a futile effort, it’s better to work with it. And by that I mean it’s better to start a dialogue with it. When it brings up a random issue, ask it why it brought up and start exploring it mentally. You’ll usually find that it leads you to a source of stress and concern in your life. So you can continue to try and ignore that source of stress or you can work with the monkey mind to resolve the source of stress. Mind you, the monkey mind will raise lots of questions and concerns, but that’s why it’s there. It’s a filter, an agitator, and it won’t go away until you’ve addressed its concerns.
When I work with my monkey mind, I use it as a detector of issues that are bothering me. Sometimes its helped me discover some really deep issues, such as my fear of emptiness and most recently a tendency to fantasize in order to fulfill intimacy needs. And that’s what makes the monkey mind so useful. It challenges me to be aware of my issues instead of trying to ignore them. I like that because then I can proactively work on those issues via meditation instead of letting them build up and be acted out in my life. So the monkey mind is actually your friend, not your enemy. Make friends with it and find out what it can teach you.
Clothing, magic, and identity
Posted on July 23, 2010
Filed Under Magic, Taylor Ellwood, identity, video | View Comments
The other night I got into a conversation with a friend about how clothing can be used to help a person fit into a community. The way I see it is clothing is another tool in your magical arsenal that you can use. We use clothing everyday and we also look at how other people are using clothing to determine if those people fit in with our respective outlook.
I think of clothing as a symbol, and an indicator of a lot of other information about person. That person over there? She’s wearing a business suit, so she’s either working in a corporate job, or is a self-employed entrepreneur. That person over there, he’s wearing a pair of denim jeans, work boots, and a t-shirt. He’s either working in construction, or in a tech company. Now the only problem with what I’ve just written is that we’re judging what those people do (and to a lesser extent who they are) by the clothes they wear and we could be completely wrong…and yet people do this all the time, and the enterprising magician is aware of this and has clothing for different occasions, in order to fit in with whatever type of situation s/he is in…or stand out as the occasion warrants. Watch the video below, where I discuss this more and then tell me what you think. Do you use clothing in your magical work, and if so, what do you do?
Cell communication
Posted on July 19, 2010
Filed Under Body, Inner alchemy, Taylor Ellwood | View Comments
In developing a system of magic that is focused specifically on the body, one of the challenges has always been how do you actually communicate with the medium you are working with. Since the human body is the medium, it’s not enough to recognize you have a body, which anyone can do. To work with the medium of the body necessarily involves first being able to experience it on all the levels of the medium and second being able to communicate on all the levels.
In Hands of Light, by Barbara Ann Brennan, she presents a technique where you can experience your body on a cellular level. You meditate and narrow your consciousness down to the level of a cell and then travel throughout the body as the cell, experiencing the different organs of the body as a result. The process works and its a useful way to experience the body.
The next level then is to actually communicate with the body. There are some Taoist breathing techniques that focus on helping a person remove negative emotional energy from organs. That’s a step toward communication, but still not quite what we want.
My own approach toward this particular issue has involved syncing with the bio-photonic energy emitted by a cell and then using that sync to communicate with other cells. I’m not communicating with words, or even emotions. I’m communicating with impressions, specifically impressions that the cells are providing to me. It’s not the same as verbal communication…it’s much more subtle, and yet it can tell you a lot about your body. For example, what you might learn is not just where emotional tension is, but also if there are physical health issues (usually the two are linked). Consequently using these impressions can help you deal with health situations preemptively. The trick is to actually trust the impressions enough to get them checked on (via medical services), as well as developing processes (magical) that allow you to go in and begin healing yourself. The impressions you receive can also be used to help you do preventative health measures.
Seems to me that communication with the body is one of the frontiers that we still have, one that’s mostly ignored because humans take it for granted that having a body is enough, and yet there are so many processes that for the most part remain unknown. To me, communicating with the body, with the cellsi n the body is the first step to exploring that frontier.
Video blog: Definitions and Magic
Posted on July 18, 2010
Filed Under Definitions & Labels, Magic, Taylor Ellwood, video | View Comments
In this video blog, I discuss definitions and their relationship with magic in further detail.
Meditation on anger
Posted on July 14, 2010
Filed Under Inner alchemy, meditation | View Comments
Over the last couple of days I’ve been paying particular attention to the emotion of anger in regards to several situations in my life. Today as I was driving to different appointments, I started to dialogue with myself about both situations and the anger I felt toward each person. In one case the person is someone I don’t really know, but his actions have hurt someone I care about, and in the other case, it’s someone I’ve been close to and I think the anger is a natural byproduct of what’s happened between us. The two situations seem dissimilar, and are on the surface, but its underneath where in fact there is a lot in common.
I came to the conclusion today that my anger was really a reaction to a feeling of not having control of either situation. By reacting with anger, I provided myself an illusion of control, if only in the feeling of anger, but conversely I also felt even less in control because clearly I was reacting to each situation. The anger was my attempt to have control and I realized the real issue wasn’t anger, but rather feeling of control or lack thereof.
I started to dissect each situation, realizing in one situation that my involvement was best left to being on the side and trusting the person I care for to handle the situation, while also providing support as needed.
In the second case, it is more complicated, because I realized that this feeling of not having control went back quite a way, and that the most recent iteration of it involved realizing that I hadn’t felt like I had much control over what was taken by the person. It gave me some room for thought in terms of whether or not I had relinquished that control, as well as what control means in relationships, or doesn’t mean. I think what I realized most is that I likely needed to speak up more, but also realize just how stifled I’ve felt. Some of that’s on me, most of it really.
Rarely is the surface emotion the actual emotion that’s being dealt with. I might feel anger, but underneath the real issue was control or lack thereof. I look at situations where I feel emotions and I acknowledge what I feel, but I want to dig down further and find out what’s really going on. I don’t think of anger as the reason for what I feel, but rather a reaction to the reason. The same can be said of fear or sadness, love, or happiness. Finding out what’s underneath the surface emotion can tell you a lot about the actual problem and what your own contribution to it is.
Short notes
Posted on July 13, 2010
Filed Under Definitions & Labels, Immanion Press, Magic, Taylor Ellwood, book review, identity | View Comments
A Note about Definitions and Meaning
My post about definitions could easily also apply to the word models. The word models is used a lot in magic theory. There is the spiritual model, the psychological model, the model for this or the model for that. But I don’t think definitions are really models. I do think models are metaphors that attempt to categorize magic, whereas I think definitions are less about categorization and more about making meaning, or maybe even making connection through meaning. You can’t really have connection if some kind of meaning isn’t involved and definitions are all about meaning, the establishment of it as the way to understand what’s around and within.
A Note about Immanion Press
I’m still involved in Immanion Press. At one point, in the winter, I gave some serious thought to leaving Immanion Press as the managing editor and heading for the hills as it were, but then the divorce happened and I figured that was a big enough change in my life. The purpose of Immanion Press, as it applies to occult books, is to publish the books other publishers won’t touch and/or reprint what’s out of print. And I think we’ve published some great books by some great authors and I hope we continue to.
What isn’t realized, I think, is that for all intents and purposes Immanion Press is volunteer run. I don’t really get paid for doing the editing, layout, or managing of other editors. It’s a lot of work and it’s mostly a labor of love, save on those occasions when it can become a labor of hate.
I won’t be at the Esoteric Book Conference this year representing Immanion Press. Lupa will be there, and you can buy books from the press through her. I have mixed feelings on how much I will represent the esoteric book line in the future, since I no longer do any of the distribution for it, beyond my own books. I’ll still do the managing editor part, but I figure it’s time to focus on myself a bit more, which includes finishing some writing I’ve been working on, so I actually have a justifiable reason to show up at a conference.
Review of Sacred Kink by Lee Harrington
What I most enjoyed about this book was Lee’s efforts to provide detailed information about each path and create a framework for people from multiple belief systems to engage in the incorporation of kink to their spirituality. Lee’s expertise as both a sex educator and spiritual teacher shows through in this book time and time again. He provides excellent examples and also useful definitions for understanding each path. I found a lot in this book that I know I can apply to my own spiritual practices and I think anyone else would find a similar treasure trough.
5 out of 5
Definitions, definitions, it’s all definitions
Posted on July 12, 2010
Filed Under Definitions & Labels, Magic, Taylor Ellwood | View Comments
The more I focus on definitions, the more I realize how integral they are to any sense of self and identity a person has. We define everything to not only explain everything, but also provide structure and environment for ourselves, to create a sense of place in the universe, little realizing just how constructed all of it is. Truth seems to be that the majority of definitions used were created by someone else, and there’s a kind of blind adherence to these definitions, without really questioning them. Maybe it’s the belief that “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” I see the belief as being one of the primary blockers of innovation change.
“You’re reinventing the wheel.” I’ve heard that one a number of times because I decided I’d question definitions. At least it is MY wheel.
Definitions seem to be integral to magical activity and theory as well. And I’m not talking about trotting out the rather tired definition of magic that Crowley belched out years and years ago. I’m talking instead of the realization that definition is an integral key for providing the framework through which an action can occur. No definition and you don’t have an action, because there is an absence of environment for that action to occur in. Definitions provide structure, environment, a call to action. But they provide more than that as well. They provide insight into the unconscious, into the deepest layers of a person, and what makes that person tick. Definitions are the basis by which we make sense of reality.
Video Blog Magic and Identity part 2
Posted on July 10, 2010
Filed Under Definitions & Labels, Magic, Taylor Ellwood, identity | View Comments
In this video I explore the concept of identity further and how it relates to magical work. I discuss definitions and their role in forming identity.
-
Custom Search -
-
-
-
-
Get the RSS Feed
