Elemental Balancing Ritual Month 19: Ebb and Flow

Eros 4-24-14 I decided to pick up the biography on Steve Jobs at the library. I was there to meet a business connection (who no showed) and while I was waiting I started reading it. Initial thoughts on reading it: It's sad how many people have felt abandoned in life, yet in his case he clearly had adoptive parents who game him the world. Nonetheless I see certain patterns in the character of his personality that are similar to what I discovered in Born to Love. It's a fascinating read. I admit that I occasionally do get fascinated with a particular person and learn about that person...usually someone who's really intelligent, who's gone their own way, and who's had some struggles. Not all that different from my life and I like seeing what other people, in their respective circumstances, did to get wherever they are/were. Usually the lessons I've learned boil down to a combination of going their own way, persevering in believing in their vision of the world (as opposed to buying into someone's else vision), and not being afraid to admit mistakes or change course as needed. Good lessons to remind myself of.

4-26-14 The more I read the biography about Jobs, the more fascinating I find him to be. He was clearly a driven person, but also a bit of a tyrant. He had a vision for the world and he wouldn't let anyone stop him, but he didn't know how to work well with most people. That seems to be true for most of the innovators of the world. Reading the biography does make me reflect on some of my personality traits. I'm not easy to work with either. I can be temperamental and I have very particular ideas about what I want to do and how to do it. That said, I wouldn't change any of it. To do something different calls for a different person who is willing to push the limits for the sake of the vision s/he has. Settling for less lessens a person who knows there can be better than what's already out there.

4-29-14 I finished reading the biography of Steve Jobs today. A fascinating book about someone who changed this world. A bit of irony here: I have never used Apple computers or products. There was always something about them I didn't like and reading the biography allowed me to figure out that it's that the computers feel very controlled. Jobs was a control freak and it showed in the computers and other products he developed. I suppose the relevance of this book as it relates to my spiritual work is that it makes me appreciate two things: How a person can move the world around him/her with a particular understanding of his/her focus and calling. And also the importance of continually being aware of how the shadow aspects of yourself can show up, as well as what do about them.

5-2-14 It's a tough day today. I've made some choices and those choices have had effects I didn't expect. It's not the end of the world, but it changes you...when you see yourself in a different way because of the consequences of your choices. The way you think of yourself also changes. What you thought you were, you no longer are and what you've become isn't what you wanted to be. I've referred, a few times, to the fact this is the dark night of the soul cycle in my astrological chart and this definitely fits that experience. The shadow side of that Plutonic energy showing up and presenting itself as a specter that effects your life. Yet somehow I'll continue on, because this doesn't really change that much for me...it just makes it more apparent and life continues on. I'm still here...can still do what I want to do, and knowing that I'll allow myself to feel this moment and everything it brings up and then use it to fuel my fire and continue on my journey.

5-3-14 You either move forward when you deal with a crisis event or you give up. So I'm moving forward with an eye toward how to solve the problem I'm dealing with. I've done some research and the silver lining in all of this is that it provides me an opportunity to work on some experiments. An experiment works better based on need than on curiosity, though both are useful enough.

5-8-14 The last few days I've re-examined my schedule and changed it around to make sure I'm exercising and meditating each day. I meditate almost every day, but occasionally I let my business schedule get in the way. Exercise has been more sporadic the last few months and I'm not happy about that. So I looked at my schedule and what I realized is that I just need to go in to each week with the understanding that no matter how much I have to do, self-care has to come first. So if I don't get to everything I was hoping to do, it's more important I exercise and meditate. I'm going to hold myself to that, and have done so for the last few days, which has helped immensely.

5-10-14 As part of my work with movement, I've decided to change my daily work a bit. I'm focusing more on the Taoist breathing techniques, but also doing daily cord work and have just added some work with the Sacred Heart technique. Each of these different techniques incorporates movement to one degree or another, even it if it is just awareness of the rhythm of a type of movement...and yet each of them also leads into stillness, and the profound awareness of stillness that I find lies hidden within movement. As I do each exercise I'm mindful of the movement, but also the stillness at the heart of the movement, and how both feed into each other, creating this awareness of the universe if we are willing to just be aware.

5-11-14 So much of how I felt in my life has involved a feeling of profound emptiness, painful emptiness, which I have tried to fill up a variety of ways, none of which ever worked. Eventually I learned to sit with my emptiness, to be present with it, to accept it as a part of my life instead of treating it as an enemy. I came to recognize nothing could ever fill it up, no person, no deity or god, nothing...and that there was no need to fill it up...instead I could simply be with it and come to a place of peace with it by accepting it as a natural part of being me. It's a part of my journey in this life.

Mother's day today. Mother's day is mixed for me. I have a mixed relationship with my mom. I have no relationship with my ex-step-mom and no wish for one. My experiences with mothers has been less then ideal really. Actually that's true of my experience with my parents period. In some ways we have a good relationships, but sometimes what I remember is how neglected and unloved and unwanted and unaccepted I felt.

5-15-14 In one of the meditations I've been doing, I've been interacting with what might be considered my Angel or higher self. I always encounter this being in a library, around a book stand which contains the book of my life. This being is filling out details of that book. We've been discussing this life and the possible variations of it and something he said today struck me profoundly. "No matter what you change about this life, what variation of it you explore, there will always be some part of you that is unsatisfied because until you learn how to accept what you have, there will always be a sense that something is missing" I've encountered variations of this before, but I'm a slow learner sometimes and I know there is truth to this, just as I also know that so much of what I've struggled with in my life has really involved that sense of emptiness and thinking that something else could feel it up. It's taking me a while to realize a simple truth: There is no variation, no ideal version, no change that will be perfect. That no matter what life you live there will be struggles and challenges and something missing and the question is do you focus on what's missing or do you focus on what you have. Now it can be useful to focus on what's missing as it can drive you to do some great things, but it can also drive you to do terrible things. Focusing on what you have, learning to accept it and be at peace with yourself is a hard struggle at times. What I heard today is a simple truth but getting that simple truth has taken and is taking a lot of work on my part.

5-16-14 Earlier this week Kat and I caught a cat that had come wandering around. It was surprisingly friendly and we planned on getting it fixed, until a friend pointed out it was pregnant. Then we started looking into no kill shelters, but it felt like a time bomb on our hands because it was pretty clear that the Cat was close to birthing. Today I finally found one and I took the cat in...While I was driving the cat started giving birth. Quite an experience and fortunately the shelter was still willing to take the cat and kittens in, but what a day. And while its seemingly not relevant to my magical journey, I found it awe inspiring to take part in this journey of life that as occurring.

5-20-14 A lot of the magical work I'm doing lately is transitional work from movement to stillness. Although it's only May and I won't switch until October, I'm nonetheless finding this theme of transition in play, which I think actually makes sense. It's really an exploration of the relationship movement and stillness have with each other. what's intriguing is how stillness generates movement, for I find when I do stillness work that it nonetheless creates movement and following that movement may not be very stilling, but it does lead to some interesting discoveries. And with movement itself, I'm also recognizing how it comes to an end at some time and then you transition to something else. Part of this work has been around the lunar and sublunar realm as well and coming to understand how the movement of life into death into life.

Something else I've been thinking about is the worst decision I've made in my life. Why have I been thinking about it? Because I recognize how much that decision changed me life, in ways I couldn't even begin to know until after it was made and how even though its been some time since I made that decision it's a decision that played a role in other decisions I made since. It makes me glad I'm less impulsive now, more focused on making decisions by design than out of reaction. It also makes me realize how careful I need to be when I make big decisions in my life, because of how things can play out. I know my life would be very different if I'd made a different decision 9 years ago. And you might wonder why I'm thinking about that decision? The truth is that I'm thinking about it so much because I'm finally processing it and the effect its had on me. It's taken me a long time, in part because so much has happened and because I'd been doing a lot of other internal work, but at some point you catch up and start to see things closer to where you are now. I look at that decision and I see how it's played a role in other decisions I've made in the last nine years and its kind of staggering. I don't want to dwell on this decision forever, but I need to make peace with the fact that I made it and also make peace with the consequences of it. And with all that said I need to learn from it, which I've done in some ways and in other ways I'm still learning.

5-21-14 Ebb and flow is the rhythm of movement. When you recognize ebb and flow in your life, in your business, etc., you learn not to take it so personally or worry about it. You become self-assured because you recognize it for what it is. You look at what you need to change, what actions to take, but you don't freak about it either because you know that the ebb and flow you're dealing with is something you can handle. You've handled it all your life. I'm recognizing the ebb and flow in my life, in the rhythms of movement, events, activities, and everything else along those lines and this makes it easier to plan for and to work with. I recognize my ebb and flow and accept it as part of the nature of my life, and as a result I'm working what I've got at any given time and making it matter where it counts most.