Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 32

5-26-17 I had a dream this morning. In the dream was the dark haired, dark eyed woman that had shown up in a couple previous visions. She showed me an alternate life, where I didn't have a lot of stability. I traveled a lot and did work I didn't like and I had no deep connections. As she told me, it was really about showing me what a life without stability would be like. Afterwards I felt this radiating sense of fear in my chest and I sat with it for a while. It's that fear of being too stable, which may seem off, but when you've lived a life where much of it has been chaotic, it can actually feel strange to have stability. It makes me realize again what the next element needs to be, but also what I can do to use stillness to work on that feeling of fear of stability.

5-27-17 I've been reading Daring Greatly, and the author talks about the mentality people have around scarcity as it shows up toward themselves. It made me think about some of my motivations for doing what I do. when I look at my life I see how much scarcity has driven me. I've talked about that before, but its important to sometimes come back to those realizations with fresh eyes and new perspectives, to see what you'll do with them as a result.

6-1-17 Seems like the last couple of months has just been a downward spiral, but today I wrote a post about what's working and not working in my businesses and while a lot isn't working, some is working as well. And while my businesses aren't my identity, it's fair to say that most of my time and effort is focused on them right now. I find I need that kind of focus...its similar to when I write a book. I usually end up writing a book over a month's period time because that's how I get the work done. Working on your business takes more than month...

6-6-17 I've been sick the last few days. That brings its own form of stillness. I couldn't work or do anything really, so I just took it as an opportunity from the universe to slow down and just be still.

6-9-17 I had this meditation today where I connected to the viruses and bacteria that aren't so friendly to humans. And what they showed me was that they are just trying to propagate. It's not that they are against us...we just happen to be a medium for them to continue thriving. It was a fascinating meditation and I'm going to integrate it into my Alchemy of Life book, because I think its important to recognize all the different types of life that can live in the body.

6-16-17 I had this realization today that I feel, at the moment like I have learned so much that I'm like a tea cup that's filled to the brim. And at the same time I ironically feel like I've lost my voice in a way. So I'm just being still with those feelings and trusting myself to get where I need to go at the right time for me. Sometimes you just have to stop and take a breath and that's very much where I'm at.

6-19-17 Sometimes the hardest part of handling a reaction is figuring out how to be still with it. I have a temper and a mean streak in me. I know this about myself. I'd like to think that most times I've made good progress with it, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that temper and mean streak comes out sometimes. I don't know if it ever won't and maybe the real challenge is just learning to accept that and figure out how to acknowledge it without necessarily stirring up the pot.

6-20-17 I only have a few months left of this work with Stillness. Part of me feels impatient, ready to move on and be done with it now. The rest of me is just about sticking to this commitment. Doing this work with Stillness is some of the hardest work I've done, but also the most rewarding, in terms of clarity and focus. It's ironic I suppose, that some of my big changes in life have happened while working with stillness, but I don't think the point of Stillness is just to be still and I don't know if I ever really am still so much as I've learned to slow down and be more in the moment.