12-23-2018 I’m away on holiday visiting Kat’s family in Canada, but today I work up did my moving meditations and then did the sphere of art work. I hadn’t done it during the move, having gotten special dispensation to pause the work but now its time to get back to it. For the next few days it’ll just be reattuning to the sphere, but when I get back home, I want to resume the work with the elevations and holy fires. The move itself has been an exercise in creativity. I’ve been working with the new space a lot, figuring out where to put things and how to set spaces up. It’s my hope we won’t move from our new place for quite a while and so a lot of my setup is reflective of that, and how to encourage my creativity.
I ended up getting a new desk, a black glass desk, and I have it facing the large window of the bedroom, where I can see bamboo. I think it will be quite beautiful and a wonderful place to do my creative work.
12-24-2018 What always drives me with magical work is the evolution of magic, what’s next and where can we go from here. It’s not that I don’t respect what came before. I do, because you couldn’t have magic where it is or where it could be without having had where it’s been, but its that I don’t want to stick with what’s traditional for the sake of false reverence. Give the past its due, but also look toward the present and future to discover where everything can go. Otherwise what’s the point? I know other people will have answers to that question and say there’s plenty of points, but that’s what works for them. It never has for me…I’ve always looked for my own answers and operated best through discovering them and seeking them out on my own terms, even when those terms run counter to established wisdom and practice.
12-25-2018 My creativity works best when I don’t compete, don’t get caught up in comparison with someone else. When I focus on what someone else is doing and start to compete, it takes me away from creativity, away from what makes me, my work and play be original. I realized this all over again because I made the mistake of looking up a former teacher on Facebook and there she was with her glitter and glamour and bullshit, spinning stories and drawing people in. That works for her. It doesn’t work for me and competing against that is foolish. Trying to be what I’m not doesn’t work for me. So I sat with that realization and asked myself what competing with this person would really accomplish and the answer was: Nothing its just ego and pride getting in the way of what’s really important. I felt this sense of shame and anger and I let myself feel it, knowing that to suppress is to give it purchase. Yes I fell for her BS, yes that journey took me away from my core values and yes that’s ultimately on me. But here I am, having fallen, but not giving up. Slowly but surely finding my way back to myself and what really matters. That’s where I need to go, instead of sliding back down. And part of that for me is to not compete, because competing doesn’t work for m. It takes away from my best and most creative aspects. So my promise to myself and you is I won’t compete…instead I’ll focus on my own creative work and trust that path to take me and you wherever it needs to take us.
I ended up watching some youtube videos of other people talking about their magical work and I think what watching those videos made me realize is how fundamentally at odds I feel with the rest of the magical community. I don’t doubt that what they’re doing is working or that its significant to them. The thing about being a creative person is that sometimes your creativity flies in the face of everything else and then it’s like you’re going up against the ocean or climbing a mountain. I’ve felt that way for a long time. It’s not a bad thing, but it is lonely. Yet that’s the path I’ve chosen to walk. To be on the edge is to accept that you are in the wild, seeking your heart, your destiny, your path…whoever comes after me on that path, I’ll welcome, even as I urge them on.
12-30-2018 Today was the first day I did the full sphere of art working in over 2 weeks. I didn’t realize how much I needed that space and time for sacred work until I did it and I felt something within me respond with an intense longing for what I was doing. I felt myself reconnect with the archangels and just felt this sense of completeness come about. I’ve felt so uprooted over the last month, between moving from one place to another and the trip to see family. And now here I am, finally home, finally starting to re-root. It’ll take a little while, but its essential to my creativity and happiness.
1-1-2019 Last night I did the sphere of art work and connected with the elevations again. I’m going to continue on from there with the holy fire work and then move onto the affinities. I also decided to commit to getting all my major books turned into audio books.
1-2-2019 I fell in my shower the other day and it looks like I fractured my rib. And my dad died today. I’m still in shock. In his case, I knew it was a matter of time before he would die, but the reality of it sinking in is something else. I’ve learned a lot from his dying, including how important it is for me to take care of myself. I miss him and I’m glad I made my peace with him and got answers to my questions.
1-3-2019 Yesterday I did the vigil of the dead working with the ITIC ritual for my dad. I felt his presence as I did the working and for a time we just communed and then I let go and wished him well on his way. i felt a sense of relief, release and happiness from him, because he was no longer in a miserable situation, but instead was finally free.
1-4-2019 I find myself thinking of my dad at various moments, mostly just recalling memories of him and savoring the fact that I have those memories. I feel his presence near me at times, checking in, as he’s getting ready to go on his next journey. I feel sad and relieved and mostly what I know is that I’ll always carry a piece of him with me. He’ll always be in my memories, part of my life, part of who made me who I am. What the death of someone makes you realize is how much that person effected you and so you realize they live on through you.
1-6-2019 Yesterday it hit me all over again that my dad is dead. I was looking at his old phone number on my address book and decided to call it, hoping I’d at least hear his voice. The number is disconnected. I didn’t have the heart to delete the contact. Afterwards I read various tributes to him and also talked with my brother and at the end I started crying. I held Kat and I told her I felt lost, like something essential to me had been taken away and there was nothing that would be put back. I did my vigil work with him, but he is moving on and I have to also, though I will always have a part of him in my memories of the times we had together.
On a different note, I watched a show called Tidying Up, and found it helpful, both in terms of connecting with this spirit of this space and also in working on this new space. I found myself continuing to downsize what I have, which is good, because otherwise it just takes up space, mentally and physically.
1-9-2018 Last night I dreamed that my dad visited me. He told me he wanted to make sure I didn’t make the same mistakes he did and he gave me some advice that applies to a couple situations in my life. I felt sad and relieved to see him in my dream. I also appreciated that he was there because he wanted to make sure that he was looking out for me before he continues on his journey. I find myself thinking about him at different points during the day, but its with a feeling of gratitude and relief that he’s no longer in pain.
1-12-2019 Since I’m working with creativity I thought I would start painting again. I created my first painting in a couple of years the other night and decided to work with an old theme that I haven’t used in a while. I’m also going to start learning how to play the guitar. I figure learning some new expressions of creativity will help me better appreciate how it shows up in my life.
1-15-2019 I've been working through some feelings around my dad and the relationship I had with him. I realized that in some ways we never really connected and that other of my siblings had a closer relationship with him. On the other hand I also realize he’s always accepted me without judgement. I think what’s important is that I at least got to know him better and get some answers.
In the courage to be disliked the author makes an interesting point when he note that the meaning one attributes to an event in life is what a person gets from that event. And I realize with my dad that I really need to be present with what meanings I associate with him and the memories I have with him. Do I resent him for not being closer to me, or do I accept him for making the effort and choosing to let me in on details that helped me find some peace. I choose the latter.
1-17-2019 I’ve been reading Dare to Lead and the author has this exercise where you have to pick out your 2 core values. It’s harder then you think because there are so many values you could choose. I ultimately chose Freedom and Magic. In the case of Freedom, its really about being free to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I value freedom because being free allows you to do so much of what you want. Magic…well magic is at the center of my life. It’s my everything. I love magic and pretty much everything I do is focused around how I can apply magic to my life.
In other news I have been learning the guitar. I’ve learned how to tune the guitar and I’m learning the fingering. I’m practicing a little bit each day, just letting myself appreciate the novelty of doing something for the sake of doing it.
1-20-2019 I find myself thinking about my dad in spare moments. I’ll go to his Facebook page to look at his face and read stories about him. My boss, the other day, said it took a year to get over his dad’s death because there would be moments he’d be reminded of his dad, and I’m certainly finding that this isn’t a process you can rush. I’m still doing some spiritual work around his death to help him pass, but also help me let go. I recognize again and again that this is something which has to be taken one day at a time.
1-21-2019 I ended up doing another vigil for the dead for my dad yesterday. I felt his presence as I did the work, and it’s clear to me that this will be part of my ongoing work through this year. I find it odd in some ways how this death work has meshed into my creativity work, but in death lies rebirth and renewal and that is as much part of death as the act of dying is.