Elemental Balancing Ritual Month 17: Presence

Eros 2-20-14 I flew out today to Convocation. Last night and this morning I was a bit emotional. I miss Kat. I've gotten used to having her with me at events like this and this is one of those rare times where that's not the case. I'll see her in a few days, but it does make me appreciate just how much she has come to mean to me. As for Convocation...I flew in and discovered that the hotel didn't have shuttle service, so I needed to get a cab, so I wasn't thrilled with that. However I was able to get here just in time for my workshop on Space/Time Magic and I did a decent presentation of it. I feel it could've been better, but I also had just gotten in, was hungry, and I made it work despite all that. The convention itself is low key. The people are friendly, and it's not nearly as overwhelming as Pantheacon can be. And Glasolya-Labolas is looking out for me, which I really appreciate. It's good to have a spirit ally to back you up.

2-22-14 Convocation has been a fun experience. I definitely plan to come back next year and present again. I've had lovely conversations with Shauna Aura Knight about Pagan Leadership and Ritual Sonics. It's always nice to find people you can geek out with about topics of mutual interest. And speaking of that I've also had the pleasure of meeting Corvus Nocturem and discussing publishing with him. He owns a small press as well and we both found a lot to talk about and may even team up to do so presentations on publishing together. I've felt Glasolya-Labolas's presence throughout this convention, and at different times have gotten intuitions to go somewhere or talk with someone. Each time it's proven helpful and I've felt that I'm coming away from this convention with some new friends and allies. There is movement here and I'm excited to be part of it. At the same time I miss Kat. I look forward to seeing her when I fly home and catch up in person. While I appreciate her in general, being away from her has helped me appreciate her more.

2-23-14 I'm getting ready to leave convocation. This convention has themes based around the tarot. The one for this year was Judgement, and it seemed really apt to me because of the fact that I'd be running into several people here where things went South with those people. Nothing happened here...we ignored each other than having brief exchanges, but I also felt that this convention helped me face myself as well. I participated in a ritual that Shauna put together. I actually ended up invoking the Earth element and being one of the people holding a mirror and telling people to go deep and face their shadows. And I faced some of mine as well. I've always been my harshest critic, but something I've learned over the years is how to stop judging myself and how to start working with myself and at this convention I felt that come into play, both in my interactions with other people and my interactions with myself. I want to make good choices in my life and part of doing that is choosing not to judge myself, but instead work with what's at hand and make a choice based off that in a way that doesn't judge me, but instead validates me and the life I choose to live. More of a proactive approach really, instead of reacting, which I think is really what judgement is about.

2-26-14 The choice not to move, not to take action, can be just as potent a form of movement as anything itself. I also feel it can be a declaration of choosing to be present with yourself. It's something I've been contemplating since I've gotten back from Convocation. I've also been thinking about the concept of the meta-processor, someone who processes multiple streams of information simultaneously. I'm a meta-processor, which is usually good, but I do feel a bit overwhelmed of late because my life is a bit too busy for my liking. It'll be slowing down soon, and this makes me appreciate that the speed of movement is not in and of itself always a good thing.

3-3-14 This last weekend I attended the Spirit Cord workshop. I shared most of my experiences in this post, but some of I decided to post here because of its relevance to my work. I feel that the cord work is very relevant to my current work with my very young self as a baby and pre-baby. I'm doing some intense internal work around those early memories and also I feel going through a cycle that prepares me for my 38th birthday when I move into Stillness and into the exact natal position my astrological chart was in when I was born. In the workshop R. J. mentioned that the cord goes through the center of the spindle of a person's natal chart. He also mentioned that the cord has correlations to the umbilical cord, which makes sense given the life and death aspects of the spirit cord. This is something I hope to explore in more depth down the line, as I work with my spirit cord further.

3-8-14 I've fallen off the wagon with exercise. I haven't been consistent about it at all. I know I need to do something about it, but I think I've been feeling so overwhelmed by all the various projects on my plate, I've just put it off. That's not good for me to do because it's taking an essential part of my life and putting on the shelf. So I acknowledge this and I know I need to get back on the wagon regardless of how much else I need to do.

3-12-14 In the last few days I've gotten back on the wagon and found to my pleasant surprise that my body has still stayed in the shape it was in overall despite some infrequent exercising. However, choosing to exercise regularly already makes me feel better. It's amazing how even getting back into a routine can make a difference about how you feel about yourself. It highlights to me just how important this activity is to my overall well being. No matter how busy I get I need to make sure I stay present with myself and with the movement that is best for me.

3-13-14 I'm heading off to Paganicon tomorrow. I'll be working with Glasolya-Labolas again and Kat will be with me, which I'm happy about. I feel like this month is passing in a blur of movement, as if everything is speeding up. I'm not sure if it's because of how much traveling I'm doing, or if it's just because of the work I'm doing with the element of movement. Either way movement is happening, in so many positive, wonderful ways.

3-17-14 I'm back from Paganicon. This entire month feels like its just flown by in a blur. It make me wonder if I've really been as present with it as I hoped. I did work with Glasolya-Labolas again and at this event I unexpectedly found a bunch of familiar faces, as well as the right encounters that needed to happen. Glasolya-Labolas is quite the diplomat and quite the coordinator of schedules. I look forward to working with him further and am quite impressed with his skills.

I feel like my understanding of movement is changing even further. There is always a rhythm to movement even if we don't always perceive it. I feel that rhythm at work and it shows up in both obvious and subtle ways. The obvious ways is all the traveling and the fact that both businesses seem to be taking off, but the less obvious ways show up in my interactions with specific people or how I experience a given day. Everything is moving and I am part of that movement, moved even as I move it.

3-18-14 Donald Michael Kraig is dead. I only met him a couple times and we never exchanged more than a hello. I read both of his books and found them to be helpful in my own practice. A lot of people were clearly touched by his death and made a response to it on their Facebook pages. Seeing that made me think that at some point all of us die. I know I will die some day. Hopefully it'll be a long time from now, but regardless of when it happens, I'll die and most people won't care, a few people may be happy at my demise, and some will feel sad and acknowledge that I had some type of effect on their life. I'll move from this life onto another life or the void, or whatever and life will go on without me.  Nothing is forever, but everything continues on. I hope Donald Michael Kraig is resting in peace and moving on to whatever next adventure finds it way to his path.

3-20-14 I dislike passive aggressiveness in people, myself included. I know I'm guilty of it on occasion, and I think most, if not all, people are. It's a way to mask how you feel about someone, to smile, but if you look closely at that smile, it's really a snarl. It's a way to pretend friendliness when what you really want to do is stab a knife in the person's back. However in the last few years, I've worked hard to get passive aggressive people out of my life and to make sure I'm not being that way, because why would I really want someone close to my life who pretends friendliness but wants to hurt me? I realize that doing this also extends to online mediums such as Facebook. I don't need people trying to impede my movement in life. I figure I do that enough for myself on occasion, so I'm really being present and asking myself why I'd really want to be connected with people I know wish me harm, no matter how much they act otherwise. Connection of any form lets such people in and says I condone your hostility toward me. Obviously I can't assume that I know the intentions of every person that comes into my life or makes a friend request on an online medium, but when I do know someone who has a history of being hostile toward me I also should know better then to allow that person any connection with me, because as soon as that person sees an opportunity, out comes the knife. I consider the lesson learned today, when it comes to online mediums. I need to honor my choice not to put up with behavior from people that I know is counter productive for me. I want the right connections, right people in my life and I won't find that with someone who wants to tear me down because of their own insecurities and issues.