9-23-2018 I think its kind of fitting that I’m getting all the old business wrapped up as this year long work with stability comes to a close. I chose to work with Stability as an element, because I needed to stabilize my life. And I think it as the right choice. I look back at the last 11 months and there was some hard work, but the end result is that everything is off my plate that doesn’t belong and now I can focus on what’s really important. Stability isn’t reinforcing that status quo. It’s the deliberate creation of a foundation that truly supports you.
9-27-2018 As I go into this last month it fascinates me to see the fruits of stability. A year ago I was in despair and it seemed like everything was falling apart. A year later and I’ve gotten the rights to my books back, I’ve started writing fiction while also working on a number of magical experiments, and I’m even plotting my return to being full time self-employed. And it all happened because I gave myself time and space to be where I was, but looked to what I could learn from my mistakes. I opened myself to exploring possibilities and also letting go of what didn’t work. Now I have a path forward and focus. And I know things will work out, because I have learned from my fall and used it to plant the seeds that will move me forward.
9-30-2018 I think the hardest thing a person faces is their own choice to stay a certain way even when they recognize that it’s not good for them or other people. I’m certainly guilty of being this way sometimes. On the surface it seems like a form of stability, but if anything it instability, because you are letting a behavior dictate your actions and thoughts in ways that destabilize what you have. I’m sitting with this in regards to my own behaviors because I want to charge a healthy path forward as I move into creativity. I know I can do this by simply paying attention to the details.
10-01-2018 I was reading the sphere of Art 2 today and I realized that a section I had previously read 3 times clicked in a different way. I understood it differently and it told me I was ready to do the work. I have been working with the sphere of Art for a while, so this made sense but it illustrates how important it is for the work you do to build you up to the work you want to do. This is why it can be a good thing for a person to read something and not fully understand it. It means they aren’t ready and won’t harm themselves and others as a result. You’ll know when you are ready, because you’ll understand what you are reading in a different way and you’ll want to work with it.
10-07-2018 I did a dry run of the sphere of art working yesterday. I’m going to hold off on doing anything more until I wrap up my work with stability. The timing for it seems right. I’ve also been told that after I finish Alchemy of Life, I should begin on the Alchemy of Breath and sound. Makes since because I am doing so much work with the body and it’ll provide more time for other projects to continue to gestate until the time is right. Beyond all that I’ve been offered a full time job where I work at work and I find it interesting because it just seems to go hand in hand with my stability work. I’m taking the position, because the schedule works for me and I can continue to work on my businesses on the side. I feel a great sense of contentment. This year has been hard, but the work has been good and when I look at where I was a year ago and where I am now, I’ve come a long way.
10-11-2108 I started feeling a bit panicked today. I’m going full time at the job I’m at and I’ve never actually had that happen and so it felt a bit scary in a weird kind of way, maybe because it is so stable. So much of my life has been anything but that at times, so to really settle into something for the long term, while good, is also ironically a little unsettling. I just took some time to acknowledge it and be present with it and that helped immensely. Part of finding stability is also finding the tools to recognize and work through whatever comes up.
On a different note, all of my published books are getting new covers made and those covers really fit who I and the personality of the books. Kat has said that she feels like i’m in this process of re-discovering myself without all the obligations to other people and I think she is right. I suppose I’m rebranding myself.
10-15-2018 Today I realized something really important. It’s more important to be on my own schedule than someone else’s. I’m not talking about work either. Rather I’m talking about how you’ll see these challenges or classes, where they want you to do something in x amount of time. And having done that before I wouldn’t do it again. It’s better to be on a schedule that makes sense than one where you constantly feel rushed. I also realized that I operate best when I’m following my own rules instead of other peoples’ rules. I’ve tried sometimes to fit in so much, instead of simply breaking those rules and doing my own thing. Now I’m making that choice to do my own thing and I feel better for it.
10-18-2018 I can feel the switch from stability to creativity happening and it seems appropriate as I’m now contemplating how to get back into full time self-employment and already developing ideas. While the writing will provide a foundation, I realize my need to live on my own schedule is strong enough that its motivating me to take a stab again some things I tried a year ago, but from a much more grounded and stable place. I’ll keep my job until I can replace the income with my self-employed pursuits and yet I’ll also use it to spur me to get to a place where I don’t need it any longer. I’m happy with myself for finding a happy medium, where I can hold down a job and continue to pursue what matters, but also look for ways to change my situation for the better.
10-20-2018 When I working with Elephant today, he told me that he’ll always be with me, that this work will continue past this year. I was feeling some fear about moving into the new element, because not so coincidentally I’m also getting ready to take some risks. I know these are good risks to take, but they are risks I’m taking around doing something that didn’t work out so well. Yet I can’t continue to stay in this safe place. I’ve learned my lessons, had time to consider where I went wrong and start making improvements. Now I need to continue forward and trust this process.
10-22-2018 It seems appropriate that yesterday I wrapped up my work with this element by going to this year’s version of a tour to Die for in Lincoln City. I went to it last year during a low point and hearing the lives of people who had passed, who had failed and yet built themselves back up again had helped me recognize that I could do the same. And this time, going to it was a reminder of that lesson and yet also a recognition that I am in fact doing the very same. I had fallen so far, yet have managed to take this entire year and turn my life back around. It’s been tough work, but so rewarding and that work will continue with creativity.
There have been many moments where I was afraid and unsure of my next step, yet working with stability and elephant helped me find my footing, and work through my fear. I will never forget what I learned. It is something I will carry with me that has profoundly marked my life for the better. I thank Elephant and Stability for being a solid presence that guided me back to where I needed to be so I could move forward.