Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 1: Zadok

Zadok 10-22-14 Today I did the necessary meditations to start my work with the element of Stillness. First I did the 5 warrior syllable vocalizations I've learned from Tibetan Sound Healing. Fittingly enough I learned the last chant today. What was really interesting was recognizing that this is a stillness practice that nonetheless leads to movement, to manifestation, with the last syllable focusing the desired intention of the practitioner and manifesting it outward. I've discussed this in further depth in a blog post, on this topic.

I also did the Tumo exercise of raising energy, in this case stillness. Stillness is different. There is no movement, no anything. It just is, so you raise that energy and it doesn't move so much as it just manifests and there you are, in this space of stillness, just being.

And then I did the connection and mediation of stillness with the spiritual guide I'll be working with: Zadok also known as Ronald Heaver. Interestingly enough when I did the connection I could not remember the mundane name of Ronald Heaver (though I was able to visualize his face) but I was easily able to remember his magical name Zadok and when we connected he explained that had been purposeful because he didn't want me to connect with the form of Ronald Heaver, but rather wanted me to connect with the deeper spiritual current of Zadok. He pointed out it was the same with me. Taylor Ellwood is the current form, but the magical current is Teriel and Xah, much deeper and different and I actually felt those currents within me stir and realized that part of this work will involve more consciously connecting with both Xah and Teriel.

In any case, I connected with Zadok and I felt him work with my energy and switch me over to stillness. I felt myself reach this place of stillness, of being that I've already experienced, but this time it was much deeper. He told me this year's work would build on the movement work by going much deeper and that it would have an effect on all the other work I'm manifesting.

10-24-14 I met with my astrologer today to do an updated reading. A lot of what he told me confirms other information I've gotten about what patterns to look for in my life and work on, but its good to have additional confirmation. One thing which really stands out from the reading is his suggestion to work more closely with the feminine within me. While I've always felt in touch with that part of me, I'll admit I don't think I have the healthiest relationship with that part of myself, so I'm going to sit with his advice and think of how I can work with that part of myself in a more conscious way.

10-28-14 I'm in New Orleans for a couple days while Kat goes to a conference here. I've been to New Orleans once before but it was ten years ago and I didn't wander around much. This time I actually have wandered around quite a bit. Both Kat and I noticed the raw, primal energy of this city, as well as the spirits that are here. I also noticed the smell. The energy of the land is strong and it wants to move you. I guess its fitting that my first month into stillness and I deal with movement, but in this case I don't want to move with it, so I've been holding on to my stillness, just abiding and being without changing anything.

10-30-14 Today's meditation with Zadok was interesting. He brought up Xah and Teriel once again and discussed how they were spiritual aspects that could be drawn upon not only for knowledge, but also a form of genius or daimonic inspiration. He also explained that being still isn't about emptying the mind, but with abiding with what ever is there, being present with whatever comes up instead of trying to get rid of it.

11-1-14 In today's work with stillness, I was struck again by how there is no silence. Whether its the mental chatter of the person or the environmental sounds around you, there is always something happening, which doesn't necessarily stop stillness, so much as when you are still you become aware of everything around you.

11-3-14 Sometimes stillness is found in doing something. Instead of trying so hard to be still, do something and allow the doing of it to bring you to stillness.

11-12-14 Sometimes when you write a lot of content, it can feel frustrating when you feel like you don't have something to share. I felt this way last week. And then I felt the stillness within me and I realized I didn't need to write. I didn't to try and make something come out. That perhaps the best thing I could do was be still and allow that stillness to settle the part of me that felt restless. So I did that and didn't write and I felt at peace about it.

11-16-14 The other night I had a dream about an ex. I was trying to bury the hatchet with her and everything I did was turned around and used against me by her. I realized the dream was a warning not to pursue any such attempts with that person, but what struck me the most about it was all this activity I was trying to do, and how what I really needed to do was be still instead of trying so hard to change something that wasn't going to change.

11-19-14 I have a tendency to take all the fault of a situation and put it on me. I learned to do this early on, with my dad and step-mother. I either hid what I did from them or I took on all the fault. Of course it didn't help that they would make it abundantly clear that I was at fault. Being told you are a disappointment has an odd effect of really fucking with your sense of self worth. In relationships I had with romantic partners this same pattern would replicate, through no fault of those partners. However this pattern makes it hard to work through an issue. I take a situation onto myself and pull it into me and stew in how its all my "fault." It's not healthy and while I've made some strides to make changes, it's quite frustrating at times because it is a resilient behavior informed by my fear of being abandoned. Fortunately Kat is quite willing to call me out on this behavior and do it in a loving manner that nonetheless reinforces the necessary boundaries. And that helps...because with something like this I can do the work, but I also need help at times with it. I couldn't have asked for that help in previous relationships because I didn't know how to be comfortable with my vulnerability, but fortunately with her I can do it.

11-22-14 It seems appropriate that I end this month with continuing my work with the Quabala. I've started reading and working through The Talking Tree by William Gray, which is a companion book to The Ladder of Lights. This book explores the paths between the Sephiroth. The first path is the Hierophant and when I did my meditation on it, Bill Gray showed up. I asked him why and he said, because that's what you expected, which I guess makes sense. He walked me through that path, explaining it in terms of how the Angelic orders of Kether and Chockmah connected together, each providing something to the other, which helped manifest the path.

In terms of the ongoing stillness work, I spent some time today being still with everything in my head, recognizing how many impressions of the world around me end up in my head and why its so important to declutter and be so particular with what you choose to feed yourself. I know this, but its worth stating again for myself as well as any other person who cares to read this.