1-22-16 Something I've been realizing the last week or so is that if I'm going to make all the changes I want to make to my respective businesses and also to me, I really need to give myself the time and space to do it. At the same time I've also got to take good care of myself. Today I was feeling a struggle between getting my exercise in and just working away on the projects I'm focused on and I realized I was falling into a scarcity trap. So I stopped myself, took a deep breath and looked at the scarcity trap for what it was and then decided to get my exercise in. Making that time is important because its what recharges me and gives me the fuel to put into the businesses. And this is stillness in action. Recognizing patterns of behavior that are holding me up, stopping to work through the obstructions and then continuing on to do what needs to be done.
1-26-16 I left the networking groups I was part of yesterday. I think it's a good move as I continue with the class work I'm doing through Thrill. I need the time to continue to shepherd my businesses through their evolution. Speaking of evolution, I've been continuing to swim fairly regularly and I'm enjoying it. When I'm swimming its moments of the physical experience with occasional flashes of thought, which usually end up pointing to something I can work through and dissolve. Today's was acknowledging a trait I find annoying in another person, yet I also sometimes exhibit. What we don't like about someone else is usually an indicator of what we don't like about ourselves (though not always). Mixed in with the ongoing stillness meditation, the swimming is proving quite helpful with the internal work.
1-27-16 Today in meditation I opened myself up to the feelings of fear and anxiety and fully became present with them. Feeling those emotions so raw wasn't easy. I felt my stomach knot up, but in sitting with them I was also able to go deeper into them and work with feelings of guilt and shame that were underlying the fear and anxiety. Fascinating how it all fits together. I'm still feeling it now as I write this, but I'm glad I'm open to the feeling because you can't do anything with it if you just bury it. And you can't do anything with it if you obsess over it. You just have to feel it, dissolve and continue on. I know what I'm feeling is because I'm making some good changes, but its natural to feel what I'm feeling as I work through those changes. so long as I keep it in perspective and use it to my advantage.
2-9-16 So there's a gap here where there were entries made, but due to website issues those entries are gone and unfortunately I can't remember everything I wrote. What I do remember is that in one of my recent meditations, Zadok visited and explained that one of the reasons I'm experiencing some trouble with my stillness meditation is because stillness does deal with change sometimes and learning how to handle that change while being present with stillness is one of the challenges. I found it to be helpful advice, because it is a reminder that you have to learn how to mediate forces you work with in various circumstances. Zadok doesn't visit a lot, so when he does I always pay attention.
On a different matter, I'm really grateful to my kids and the reason for that is because I learn a lot from them in our conversations. I've always felt that its important to keep an open mind, and to really stay open to learning from a variety of sources. I learn a lot from each of them, because while I may have more life experiences under my belt, it doesn't automatically those experiences trump their own. It just gives me a different perspective, but sometimes their perspective really helps me appreciate life from a different place. I'm glad they are a part of my life.
2-10-16 My friend Felix recently observed that I am much happier than I was in October. This is true. I made some choices that feel right to me and as a result I don't feel weighed down by being in circumstances where I'm supporting something I don't agree with. When you get rid of what you don't agree with, when you step away from circumstances that you know aren't right, it liberates you and allows you to focus on what really is important, what you really want to put your life and energy toward.
2-11-16 Today as I meditated, feelings of hate came up. There was a time in my life when hate and anger were what fueled my life. It's been a long time since that was the case, and today, in recognizing the emotion, I opened myself to it and just felt it. I didn't think about it. I felt the jagged, bitter sweet rush that simultaneously constricts you and also sets you afire. I felt it and I let it go. That's what stillness really brings...the ability to feel what you're feeling and to let it go, while you discover what's underneath. You feel that as well and you let it go. The attachments fade away and what you're left with is your energy, not focused on someone or something else, but focused on what's really important, which for me is living my life on my terms.
2-17-16 The last few days has been a trial of stillness. This website went down and I went to a resource who could fix it, but I had to wait and be still. Not easy, especially for a big trip, but the website is back and what being still in this case helped me with was not reacting to a situation beyond doing what I needed to get it under control. I let go of everything else and focused on figuring out a proactive future response and then focused on what I could do elsewhere. Still feels good to have the site back up where it belongs.
2-18-16 Something I've been realizing lately about people I don't like. I don't like people who have no substance or hide their depth behind a mirror sheen image designed to deflect people away from knowing them. Whether its the love and light mystic who doesn't own their own shit, or the shallow status seeking materialist who has to have the latest Apple phone and computer and whatever else, but has nothing substantive to offer to the world, I just don't like those people. I have no use for them, because frankly they're fakers who are too afraid to do the hard work of owning their own shit and working through their issues. They can create whatever image they want, but its just an illusion that they're using to hide from themselves, as much as anyone else, and any person with some real perception will see through them really quick.
2-20-16 At Convocation. It's been a good trip so far, with classes well attended, and the opportunity to meet new people, including one person who I hope will start up a new chapter of magical experiments. I'll follow up with her once I'm back home, but it would be good to have another group up and running and encouraging the kind of thinking and exploration we need in magical work. I've been continuing the stillness work and I find it to be very grounding, which is helpful. I miss Kat. It's interesting to realize just how essential a person is to your life, when you really allow them in.