2-27-15 I'm feeling pretty fried from all the travel I've done, plus the jet lag I'm feeling. I'm leaving on yet another trip in a few days and then after that, I'm done for a while. In all of that I've tried to maintain my connection to stillness and sometimes I have and sometimes I haven't. I don't stress myself too much about it, because it just is part of this time of year and also an opportunity to find stillness within movement. The two lead into each other and create each other.
3-2-15 I had a breakthrough realization about my meditation and actually about some issues in my life. I'm analyzing them too much...not engaging them on an experiential level. I know what you're thinking is...isn't that what you are writing about and doing a lot of and yes I am, but I can attest to the fact that some times you have to learn some thing multiple times, in multiple ways in order to get it. You realize it on one level and then go deeper and realize it all over again in a different way.
3-4-15 There are occasions where I feel a sense of destiny, a recognition that something significant will happen. I felt that way today, going into a business meeting and I'm feeling about my trip to the Between the Worlds Conference. The key, when you feel that way, is to still yourself, let the event unfold and know what you want from it, so that when the opportunity occurs you can take the right action to produce the desired result.
3-8-15 It's been quite a weekend at the Between the Worlds conference. I had several experiences that in their respective ways have brought about some deep realizations for me. I had a chance to meet with Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki for about 2o minutes, to discuss her books and the possibility of her publishing her books through Immanion Press. We chatted for a bit about western esotericism and people such as W. G. Gray as well as discussing publishing and I'm hopeful she'll publish books with us...but I also had an experience with her that I've never really had before...or if I have it hasn't stood out in quite the way it did this time. She did a spiritual transmission with me. I felt this wave of energy pass from her to me. The hair on my arms and legs and head stood on end and I could feel this heat pass through my body. It lasted for a quite a while after and I knew it was from her. I also know its one of those things, where it will manifest itself as needed, when its time for it to manifest.
And I felt like it already has manifested a bit, because I came away with another realization this weekend, more on the shadow side of things. Basically I came to recognize on how selfish I can be and how that selfishness has hurt people in my life in the past and in the present. I have a tendency to get really fixated on something I want, to the exclusion of thinking anything or anyone else...and sometimes that can be good, like when working on a creative project, and sometimes it can be bad such as when I place my own desires over anything else in my life. I'm really sitting with that and recognizing how its a pattern that's shown up multiple times in my life. I know I can change it...I also know I need to own it.
3-11-15 The last few days have been rough. I've really had to come face to face with my own selfishness and what motivates that selfishness. My conclusion, at least as it applies to relationships, is that its a defense mechanism in order to not let people get to close. The selfish part of me doesn't want the experience of love, so much as it wants whatever sensations it can have access to in order to distract it from itself. It's always been an issue for me that has played out in my relationships as well. It's a cold, calculating aspect of myself, my survivor really, but it's not helping me when it comes to my important relationships. It's focus is on taking care of itself to the exclusion of taking care of the people in my life and it really sucks.
3-13-15 Feeling something, instead of thinking about it, is hard. It calls for a level of vulnerability that doesn't come easily to me. And so much of what I feel is wrapped around this core part of myself that is trying to escape what its feeling. I know this is a recurring theme for me, but its a theme that nonetheless is profound for me because of how much it motivates my choices. Am I doing something to escape what I'm feeling inside or am I doing it because I genuinely want it? I don't know because the two are so entangled.
3-14-15 A friend of mine sent me a link to an article on what self-loving people do for themselves. As I read through it, I realized what behaviors I was doing and what behaviors I wasn't doing. I'm learning to listen to my emotions. This seems like a long journey for me, but compared to where I was years ago, I'm actually getting better at feeling emotions. I'm pretty good at taking responsibility, but I'll admit I still sometimes slip into blame mode, more often than not with myself and I do feel there is a difference between taking responsibility and blaming yourself. I definitely feed my passions and creativity and I enjoy spending time alone. I'm getting better at weighing long term choices over instant gratification, but I have a ways to go as well. For me, instant gratification has often been a way to just tune out, instead of really being present. Setting boundaries is a skill I've had to work hard at and being aware of the boundaries of others is another skill I've had to work at. Both are skills I'm still working with, and it goes right back to the instant gratification over weighing long term goals. As for admitting mistakes...in some ways that's the easiest skill, though it does venture into self-blaming. Still reading that article does indicate I'm getting better at self-love, slowly, but surely.
3-15-15 Feeling without labeling is a part of stillness work. I found myself trying to label today, to judge really, and I just called myself on it and went back to feeling. I feel that the Spiritual Transmission that Dolores gave me has helped me with some of this work. It's blown up some blockages and allowed me to do some integration work within myself.
3-18-15 The last few days I've had a cold, which has made doing any work much harder than it normally would be. There is just enough fuzziness there that it becomes an exercise to do anything. Feels a lot like stagnation and I realize that's the shadow side of stillness...where everything grinds to a halt. This month has felt a lot like that for me.
3-19-15 To experience an element, you necessarily need to encounter the shadow aspects of it. If you can't do that, then the work involved isn't for you. In some ways I think the shadow work is the most essential part of finding balance with an element. It calls on you to be vulnerable and open to changing yourself, especially aspects that you may not have examined. Ignorance is stripped away and what is left reveals who you are becoming as you do this work.
3-23-15 This month has been the hardest one with the stillness work. I feel I've come face to face with the shadow side of stillness and it is not easy to deal with. Nonetheless I also feel I've gained a lot from working with it...deeper insight into myself and my issues that allows me to see a history in my relationships that I hadn't previously acknowledged. It's hard and necessary work, but its work that keeps me going because ultimately I feel better for doing it. I feel stagnant, but actually i'm really not...I'm just encountering that feeling of stagnant as it shows up in my life.