8-23-13 Today I meditated on some advice a student provided me and had a breakthrough of sorts in regards to some offerings I can make. It's a combined breakthrough because I'm also taking a class on how to market classes, and so it fit right in line with that...synchronicity aligning the information to crystallize possibilities into reality.
I've also been in a bit of a funk. Although that's likely been obvious. Working with the element of movement and working through this Pluto cycle is kicking my ass in good ways, but it doesn't mean it's always fun (is it ever fun to get your ass kicked?) Still all this work, all these realizations, all of it is something that can be faced. Admiral Stockdale said "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end, which you can never afford to lose, with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality." The choice to be persistent while facing the realities of a given situation is a trait that is worth cultivating because its what helps you survive and beat the odds. Doing internal work calls on you to face the brutal realities of yourself, but at the same time requires persistence to see the work through, because if you really do the work you will change, and how you change will more than likely make you a better person. It just won't seem like it when you're doing the actual work because you'll be facing particular issues you didn't want to face. Persistence will carry you through.
8-24-13 Today Kat and I were talking about my creativity and she said to me that my current creativity wasn't just a period of time, but that it would be with me for the rest of my life...that she'd make sure I had the necessary support and space to continue doing the creative work I've been doing. It meant a lot to hear that...to really let it sink in that my current creative period doesn't have to end or stop. Having support like that is so important to me, so essential to my well-being and sense of satisfaction.
8-27-13 Maryhill was an interesting adventure. The museum was kind of bizarre because there was no specific theme to it. You had art, royal jewels, dolls, etc...Perhaps what was most interesting to me was how the place felt. There was this one room full of Christian icons that made me feel nauseous. It did not like non-believers. And there was another room where there were six corridors spreading out from a hub. It was disorienting whenever I came out of one of those corridors. I'm not sure I'd go back, but I liked having the adventure just for the sake of doing it.
8-29-13 One of my fears as an author and publisher is that my work is irrelevant. Sounds odd, doesn't it? But in all honesty I think every artist, musician, author, etc., has that fear. I'm just being honest about it. I was going through my meditations today and Eros suggested that before I continue, I should stop and write about what I'm feeling around this issue, so here I am. I've stopped myself from writing about it before, because I don't want to be labeled as a drama queen or or a conspiracy nut for noting how irrelevant I feel sometimes in the occult world, but what the hell...why not? Will anyone notice or care anyway? Perhaps some critic or hater of mine who will take joy out of my admission of feeling irrelevant. I do feel irrelevant sometimes. What I do doesn't quite fit in any particular schema of the Pagan Occult world, which then makes it hard to determine if there is relevance in my work. I was recently told by the publisher of a magazine that the interview I'd done for that magazine was going to be pushed back because my interview doesn't fit any of the forthcoming themes of the magazine. She wants to publish it, but she isn't sure were it fits because what I talk about is so different. I expressed understanding, but some part of me feels crushed. Is what I do really so different that it can't be placed within an issue?
And then I look at other authors who get a fair amount of publicity on a regular basis and I feel a bit envious of them. They'll get quoted about their take on magic on well known Pagan media blogs, and me...not at all. Is what I write just not that interesting? Maybe. I know I'll keep writing it anyway because there is an audience there...a slowly emerging audience, but one that nonetheless is there. I'll be persistent, because persistence wins out. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I want my writing to be relevant. I want it to mean something to other people beyond me. I want it to be something that people notice. I didn't write any of my books just to write. I write them because I have a message to convey to people. And I don't think its egotistical to want to be relevant, to want to know that the message has some meaning to someone besides myself.
I know that my writing doesn't necessarily fit conventional themes of Paganism or occultism. I don't know that it ever will. I'm not interested in commenting on the Golden Dawn or some magical tradition. And I don't feel that should be the measuring stick of what makes something relevant. But sometimes it seems like what is relevant is what's already established. If it's old we like it, and if its new, forget it.
Well enough of my pity party. Yes I feel irrelevant in this moment, and it sucks. But I'm not going to let it keep me down, because regardless of how relevant I am or am not, I've got work to do and things I want to share and someone's bound to come across all this and find it meaningful, but only if I keep putting it out there.
9-1-13 Today we drove to the Ape Caves in Washington. On the way there I was reading Wonders of the Natural Mind by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, where he discusses the three layers of reality. Afterwards I meditated and Eros came to visit and discussed movement in relationship to the three layers of reality. He explained movement as a principle of reality and how changes made on one level needed to be factored into the other levels as well. He used an example of a magical working I'm currently doing to demonstrate all of the factors that needed to be considered and how movement as a principle could be applied to consider those factors. It's something that I'm going to do more meditating on. I understood it in one sense and in another sense, I know that I don't quite get it. Nonetheless it intrigues me because of how movement is explored as a principle of magic, and really of change.
9-6-2013 Further meditations on movement have been in the same as what I mentioned in the entry just above this one. I "see" how everything that is part of the movement fits together and causes the movement to happen. It makes me appreciate that there are a variety of factors with movement of any type that may not be considered, but nonetheless are relevant to making movement occur. This seems to be true with physical movement, but also the movement of events, ideas, magic, what have you. A recognition of these factors is useful for fully connecting with what is being moved, and being able to move it toward the result you want to manifest. I'm sure continued meditation and work with the element will provide more enlightenment on this topic.
9-9-2013 Further meditation on movement has involved examining a given situation, event, etc., and looking at the role of movement in that situation and event, specifically in terms of understanding how movement manifests in a given situation, why it manifests the way it does, and how it can be changed (if it can be changed). I was watching a video with Kat about networks of people. The guy in the video was talking about he studied a network of people over ten or twenty years to see how obesity could be linked to the network and it was fascinating to observe how the network moved and changed in regards to that variable. It made me see how movement can be such a subtle force in our lives, and yet how interconnected it is, and what is moved into our lives. What's really fascinating to consider is that the people you are connected to all have a degree of influence on your life that you may not even be aware of. When you're certain food or doing certain activities, it may in part be related to the people in your life and how they are influencing your actions.
9-13-13 I attended a presentation on Quantum Mechanics and Business. What I found interesting was how relevant it was to describing magic as a process. The presenter did a credible job of explaining the principles, specifically why you need to define an outcome and believe in the outcome in order to turn it from a possibility into a reality. He acknowledged there is more involved than just believing in the outcome, but the belief and having a defined outcome is essential, which makes sense to me.
9-16-13 I'm reading Good to Great, which is a business book that some useful insights for why businesses are great. One thing he notes is that great businesses focus on what they can be great at. It got me to thinking about my magical practice and what I'm great at. I figure I'm great at experimenting with magic, at taking a system or process or technique apart, and understanding it, and then personalizing it. That's what I like to do and its what I'm great at. And I actually like that as a realization. Yes, I don't fit any convenient occult or pagan label, but I know what I'm at and I'd rather be doing what I'm great at, than anything else.
I've also been meditating further with Eros on movement and today we focused on resistance and movement. He notes that resistance can indicate several different ideas to consider. Resistance can indicate you are going in the wrong direction or doing something that isn't working, but it can also indicate that you are coming up against some problems that you need to be aware of. Resistance can be useful because it helps you understand what is or isn't working with what you're doing or where you want to move to. He also pointed out that the pat to least resistance isn't always the best path, because resistance can make you aware of what movement isn't doing for you.
9-19-13 In today's meditation with Eros, he showed me my creativity and how it lights my brain up and moves me. I saw larger flashes of synaptic light in a field of lights, and could feel my mind move with those flashes. He also told me that when I let myself be creative, I'm really letting myself be open to being moved by my creativity. He's right. When I'm creative I am moved by what I'm creating. I flow with it and give p some degree of control to allow it to manifest. Maybe control is the resistance I've been dealing with...what holds me and keeps me back because I'm not opening myself up to the process to let it flow. In Make Magic of your Life by T. Thorn Coyle, she notes of Eros the following: "The souls' longing to return to a state of pure connection is directed by eros...Eros is the sexual impulse that moves the planets around the sun, draws the drop of water to the river, and - more important for the Greeks, draws the soul back to its source." I find that fascinating because my work with Eros and Movement is about connection, as much as anything else. What moves me? What do I move? How does movement play a role in my life? These are the questions I'm asking and answering through the work with the element of movement, and wen I see independent confirmation of this work it tells me I've tapped into something deeper than just the work I'm doing. I'm connecting with the heart of the universe and moving to its rhythm.