The Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 2: Centering

Zadok 11-29-2014 One of the things that Stillness does for you is help you be aware of what isn't still with you. In my case, working with stillness has made me more aware of how I repress my emotions as well as what that leads to. My response has been to express my feelings more than I have. Instead of repressing my frustration, I'm expressing it. I never been good at doing this, because I learned early on that expressing my emotions wasn't welcomed, but I don't want to live by that standard if I can help it.

Doing the stillness work each day has been fascinating, in part, because some of the other ongoing work I'm doing has slowed down. I don't have a problem with this because it feels right, part of really getting in deep with stillness. To know an element is to let it express itself through you, and that means allowing some changes to really get the element.

12-1-14 Today when I was doing my stillness work, I felt like what I really needed to do was be still with everything going on in my mind. My thoughts weren't still and instead of trying to still them I just let them go where they went and allowed myself to notice them without doing anything. Feeling so scattered can be frustrating, but it can also be liberating to just be with it instead of trying to do something about it. I've found through my meditation experiences that learning to let go and be with the experience is what really makes meditation effective. Anything else actually keeps you away from in those moments when the thoughts go everywhere, let go and let your thoughts go everywhere. Observe them without doing anything and you will become the observer instead of the thinker.

12-4-14 The other day I told Kat that doing this stillness work isn't about a result, but about the process and so when I don't have any experiences while meditating, I don't take it as anything other than being still and in the process. I think it's important to note this because sometimes the focus is so much on achieving specific outcomes that the journey/process is forgotten about, but doing the work really involves a need to be present with what is happening even when nothing seems to be happening. Oftentimes what is happening is very subtle and yet it builds up until its ready to reveal just have to be diligent and do the work.

12-8-14 Today I had an experience with stillness, where I connected with how movement interacts with stillness. It felt like Stillness pulls movement toward it, like a black hole creating a gravity well that pulls everything into it. It was a strong pull that stilled the movement, but nonetheless also seemed to feed it, for what became still nonetheless also seemed to eventually move again, becoming displaced by what else was pulled to it.

12-9-14 Further work with stillness and movement, understanding that neither is stronger then the other, but rather that they serve complementary purposes, with movement going into stillness, but eventually becoming movement again, with stillness being the pause and timing to make sure things are done right. They fit together instead of being opposing forces.

12-11-14 Today I couldn't find stillness. Zadok told me that sometimes we have to work for won't just come to us. Just because I am still doesn't mean I'm tied into stillness. It felt that way today.

12-12-14 Today Zadok explained that stillness was the centering of a person's being so that s/he could connect with possibilities both around and within. My experience of this was a connection with alternate versions of myself and simultaneously connecting with the possibility those other selves were part of. He explained that a person could experience variants of his/her life using stillness as a way to commune with the alternate that you consequently live that life while still connected to the version you are. I've had experiences like that before, but what this meditation did was help me tune into those experiences much more consciously.

12-14-14 Lately I've been recognizing how part of me has been conditioned toward conflict. My relationship with Kat is very stable and yet some part of me finds that disquieting and waits for conflict to occur to feel safe. I told her about this realization this morning and she said that it makes sense in its own way. We've both lived in environments where there was lots of conflict and even if that conflict was unhealthy it was also familiar. I feel that consciously recognizing this is helpful to me because then I can work on it and be aware of it so that I don't sabotage my relationship with Kat. Telling her about it is one way to resolve it, but I've also just been allowing myself to acknowledge the vulnerability I fee in having a much more stable relationship than I'm used to.

I've also been meditating on food and how food has been a drive in my life. I realize that food has been such a drive not just because of survival, but also because it was one of the few ways I received approval in my childhood years. I always ate the food on my plate and that made my step-mom happy, so she'd comment on it. In retrospect I realize what made her happy was not having to deal with a fussy kid, but at the time, that was a rare form of approval that I received. Recognizing that is helping me to understand my relationship with food in a different way that I think will help me develop a healthier relationship with it.

12-19-14 The last couple of days has involved going deeper into stillness work, with a sense of being prepared for work in specific directions that were hinted at earlier by Zadok. The work would be with Xah and we'll see what happens.

12-21-14 Today in stillness meditation I felt myself a the center of the web of space and time. I was still. I didn't move until I felt the vibration of movement on the web. I was still, being with space and time, but not doing anything until there was a need to do something. I felt still, calm, connected to the universe, knowing any changes I made would be made from the right place to make them.

12-22-14 Falling in love and loving someone are two different experiences. Falling in love is really selfish in some ways, built as it is on the fantasies that you have about the person, the relationship you might have, the life you might live. It's very easy to get caught up in those fantasies, to let them create an idealized version of the person. Loving someone on the other hand is actually being present with the person. It's not a is the everyday reality of that person and your interactions with that person. Falling in love is glamorized, but loving someone not so much. Still I think loving someone is when you discover what you have with the person. It's no longer fantasy. It's reality based on the experience you are in, instead of projections about experiences you think you want to have.