6-26-15 I've been continuing to read the book on scarcity and examine my own life in relationship to it. Something which struck me about it is how one aspect of scarcity is trying to do much at the same time. I've always been a workaholic, always working on multiple projects and I realize as I read this book that it has sometimes diminished the quality of my happiness because I've had too much going on and consequently haven't felt like I could focus. I've lately been divesting myself of some of what's kept me busy and the resultant feeling of time has been really nice. I've been able to focus more on the projects I rally want to work on instead of feeling like I'm giving my time away to someone else.
7-1-15 I had a realization recently because of the actions of another person. He was trying to get me to react to him by tagging me in a rant he was making and I realized that his rant was coming from a place of scarcity and it was a reaction to his various issues (and there are many). And I realized that he was trying to get a reaction from me, trying to put me into a place of scarcity because of his own scarcity. Scarcity begats scarcity...Reaction begats reaction, unless...you recognize it, recognize the blinders, the tunneling and step back and make a different choice, an objective choice. In this case, I realized this person wanted me to react, wanted drama because he's always needing attention from other people. So I stepped back and really looked at the situation and decided not to play in his sandbox of drama. I stilled myself and allowed the stillness to give me clarity so that whatever movement I make is one of proactive choice instead of reactive scarcity.
7-3-15 I've been feeling introverted the last couple of days. Part of it is the summer heat, which just makes not want to go anywhere and part of it is that Kat's away on a trip and so I'm not feeling social and just soaking up the alone time. Part of me wonders if I should try and go out, but sometimes what I enjoy the most is the chance to just be still and right now I have the opportunity to do that and let it pervade my being.
7-4-15 I feel lonely today. Undoubtedly part of it is the holiday and the fact that my sweetie is abroad right now, but it feels uncomfortable. So I'm sitting with it, holding space with that feeling and not acting on it reactively. Being still like this isn't comfortable, but it is revealing and I take the insights as valuable gifts I can draw on in my ongoing work.
7-8-15 Being minimalized by another person is an experience that is deadening. So often what I observe is that a person wants to be listened to, but doesn't want to listen and this is where communication breaks down. A moment of stillness can make a difference for the clarity it brings. Stop and ask yourself am I listening as ell as talking? And am I considering as well as asking to be considered?
7-14-15 In Awakening the Luminous Mind, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, uses the metaphor of the sky and clouds to describe how to hold space with your tensions. He urges the reader to become the sky, which isn't concerned if there are or aren't clouds, but simply is. In meditating on what he wrote, I came to a recognition that sometimes I've focused so much on 'letting go' of tensions and internal blockages that I haven't been fully present with them and consequently have become more attached because I haven't simply felt them. In fact to truly let go of something is to intimately feel it and be present with it, without becoming attached to it. You become the sky and you know there are clouds but they don't define you. Sometimes I really struggle with being present with my pain. It's easier to think about it or to fool myself into thinking I've let it go, but when have I been present with it?
7-17-15 In my stillness work, I've been focusing on just being and being aware of internal tensions without doing anything to them. I'm not trying to dissolve them or change them. I'm just holding space with them. It feels disquieting at first, but as I settle into the emptiness it just becomes part of the background. They are part of my space, but just part of it and any significance they have is given to them by me and my choice to make them more important. And this doesn't mean some dissolving work shouldn't occur, but I feel that in learning to just be still, it allows me a chance to not do so much as be, which doesn't come naturally to me, but can be helpful.
7-19-15 To feel recognized and vindicated is a wonderful feeling. I felt it today, reading the article on the Wild Hunt on pop culture magic, and seeing my work recognized and seeing a level of positive interaction about that work, which I've seen more and more of in the last couple years. To experience that recognition and know I've earned it...it feels really good...a moment I can enjoy and savor.
7-21-15 Relationships of any type bring with them constraints and limitations. I used to rail against such constraints and limitations, afraid in part of how I felt when I allowed someone to become close to me. And sometimes I still struggle with that aspect of a relationship. Whether its a friend or lover or what have you, being in any relationship does bring with it some type of limitation. It's not a bad thing either, but rather a recognition that choosing to be with someone requires a person to change in some ways. The acceptance of limits isn't inherently bad or good...its what you make of it. I'm learning to accept and work with that in a way I never did before...in part because the stillness work is helping me to really ground myself in what I have in my life, instead of just restlessly moving from one thing to another.