A brief note

I was recently invited to be a guest at Pete Carroll's Arcanorium College by an acquaintance on Myspace. I'm checking it out and it is interesting to see what Pete Carroll is up to. The person who invited me identified me as a chaos magician. I've been given that label a number of times and my work has been described as chaos magic as well. I want to set the record straight.

I have never considered myself, nor ever will, to be a chaos magician. While I certainly draw on the techniques and concepts espoused in chaos magic, I've also drawn on a variety of other esoteric practices that continue to inform my work to this day. Nonetheless, I don't consider myself to be a ceremonial magician, a neoshamanist, a quabbalist, or any number of other labels one could foist on me.

I recognize that it's convenient to label me as one of those labels, just as I recognize it's convenient to label my work as one of those labels. After all those labels come with ready made definitions and the ability for others to identify with my practices...

BUT...

Speaking for myself and for my work, let me tell you that if I Label myself anything, it is as an experimental magician. That's my current, that's what my work could be labeled under, and it is what I identify with. If you wish to know more about what I think that entails, I direct you to my article, The Evolution of Magic.

How to use over exposure to something to banish it

Something I've found fascinating and useful within my own life is taking a habit or desire and over exposing it to what is desired, without necessarily fulfilling or indulging the desire. Obviously this takes a lot of discipline to do, because you are battling with your impules. However, this discipline not only toughens you magically and mentally, but also allows you to learn impulse control and also helps you banish the desire at times when it may not be appropriate to indulge it. Of course there are also other ways to get around a desire for something. This Sunday I bought a game for a friend that I really want to play. That friend will pay me back, and I'll get to play the game. I've addressed the desire without having to spend money for it.

And yet, at least for me, what appeals about over exposure to a desire is the simple fact that it can teach you an excellent skill in learning to deny yourself when its necessary to do so. Here's an exercise to try.

Go to a bookstore and go to the metaphysics section. Look at all the books you want. Pick them up, touch their spines, flip them open and think of how much you want to buy those books. The exposure to that desire initially will be a siren song. Put the book(s) back down and leave the store. Go back the next day, and the day after. Initially the desire to buy the books will increase, operating on the principle that if you're exposed to something seven times you are much more likely to buy it. And yet each time you will do your best to deny yourself.

If you give in and buy the book, give it to someone else, ideally someone who lives far away so you can't borrow the book, as the idea here is to promote discipline in denying your desire so that you can banish it.

Continue going in each day or every couple of days and exposing yourself to that desire. After a while the desire to buy the book will start to diminish because you will have conditioned yourself to not give into your desire. Eventually you'll be able to look at the book without feeling desire to buy it. It will just be another meaningless object, and so you will have banished your desire, while strengthening your discipline in being able to say no to your impulses. This can then be reapplied to any magical work you do, and you will have confidence in your skill at being able to focus on what you need to accomplish without being distracted by a fleeting fancy.

The ability to deny your desire is the strength to also enjoy it when you can indulge yourself. Over stimulation leads to desensitization, but desire can still be felt and turned back on as it were when the time is right. What this exercise shows you however is how to take desire and turn it into a tool that allows you to banish it by overexposure.

The Emptiness Working Month 1: Rotting

In the first three weeks of getting involved in the emptiness working, I've already had so much come up. Just as the elemental love working was intense from the get go, this working has also been intense from day one. A lot of this first month has involved dealing with insecurities. Insecurities about myself, insecurities about my relationships...The gateways into emptiness. In this first month, I've suddenly found myself surrounded by potential love interests and yet none of them really manifested into anything concrete. It was if I was given a tiny taste, a few drops of water, but then it was taken away. And the ache, after it was taken away was sharp and discordant because it emphasized what was not there. In each case I met people who I could be very interested in, even feel a bit of NRE for and yet there would be something which just didn't quite work...something about each person or situation which said, "This can't happen right now." And I felt each time a sense of loss, a sense of emptiness, because I would get excited, get a taste, and then...There's a pattern there, and yes there is emptiness in that pattern.

Another way emptiness manifested into my life was through realizing just how much the guilt over last year has changed how I approach situations with people. When I was told by someone how much my actions had hurt that person, my wife, and I...and when I saw some of those same patterns repeat themselves, I realized on some level that my focus on my own desires, without any real sense of awareness for how others felt or would be effected, had caused the pain that the people. And when I looked back at not just my recent past, but also much further back, I saw that same pattern and it really hit me how much I had hurt other people because of my selfishness. I carried that guilt with me through most of this last year's elemental working...and I've carried it into this year's working as well. In an argument with my wife, it came out in a way I didn't expect...it came to my awareness, when I realized how much I didn't want to see someone else carry a similar load of guilt. And I see it in how much my actions have changed now, when it comes to people coming into my life...how much more cautious I am. But realizing how much that guilt has changed has left me feeling very sad and alone as well. We bear the weight of our crimes, but sometimes that weight sinks us, and I have sunk further into my emptiness.

And then there was the car accident, which while not horrible, nonetheless brought a sense of mortality with it, and a reminder of a much younger time and a much worse accident.

Finally, to some degree everything has lost some of it's lustre for me. At the core of myself, I feel a dull pain, a haggard kind of awareness. I feel all the cuts I've ever given myself over the course of the years. I feel all these emotions, the anger, the fear, the hunger...all of these emotions which has lead to an experience of emptiness and I realize I need to feel these, feel how I get into the emptiness before I can let go of those triggers. And some part of me feels as if it is rotting...I am in the putrefaction stage of alchemy...desiccating, decomposing, returning to the rich hummus of the Earth...part of the cycle of life, where something falls apart, in order for something else to replace it. Occasionally I look at myself and all I see is what is falling apart...The illusions feel away and what was underneath is not so pretty. I feel like one of the dragon snakes...bloated with all these emotions, growing fat on my own fear, only to have it fall away to revel the rotting core underneath.

And throughout all of this I have felt the Emperor's hand on one shoulder and Xah on the other, one whispering of how to use my emptiness, how to use my emotions and feelings to go and further into a state of mind that while very observant, is also very empty, very dark, and very alone. And XAH tells me, that the fox is about illusion but also uncovering the truth beneath the illusion. Both tempt me...both are dangerous to me in their own way...but the emptiness itself is it's own temptation. the gateway is open, and as I work through these feelings that lead to emptiness, it beckons to me...

Occasionally, I've felt moments of oneness with the emptiness, of a kind of peace. It's a rare feeling. And when I feel that way, the energy of emptiness has interwoven itself into my own energy...my hands have grown very warm, warmer than other times I do energy work, and the world has actually become crystalline...everything stands out in sharp relief...perfect.

*********

I went to a fetish event tonight. What waste of time. I've actually noticed that such events tend to enhance my feeling of emptiness and aloneness. I think it's because what I see is something I would enjoy, but it lacks something I'm looking for and so consequently all I really see are people going through the motions. Or perhaps I'm just consoling myself by saying that and really not admitting that what I feel is a terrible sense of loneliness that these events evoke. I see what is had and yet I cannot seem to have any of it. I look at these people and I have nothing to say or to offer. I realized something very important about how I handle social situations. Unless there is a very specific purpose to the event, it's hard for me to feel comfortable enough to initiate conversation. I'm great at in-person networking where I ask what do you do? But asking that at a fetish event does not exactly make one interesting...maybe I should start asking: What fetish do you do?

A friend of mine said, tonight, that she rarely feels the emptiness because as a priestess she is a vessel for whatever she works with. I'm not a priest. I'm a magician. I occasionally with entities or deities, but I am not filled by those deities. I'm not sure which of us is better off: Her being filled with whatever, good, bad, or otherwise, or me, empty, a person stumbling around, looking for something to fill that emptiness, which never quite gets filled.

At some point though (and this point incidentally is like now) you realize you can't fill it...that in fact maybe the point isn't to fill it. Emptiness can be about acceptance, as much as it can be about what is lacking. I can look at what I don't have and be filled with bitterness, anger, and fear, or I can accept what I don't have and let it go into that emptiness.

I've been experimenting with several meditation techniques in regards to emptiness. One I've done at fetish events, is to simply sit down and start meditating using Taoist breathing techniques and circulating the energy. This can lead to a very observant and mindful state of mind, and the emptiness ends up being channeled into energy I can feel...it becomes a current.

The second technique is one I've started adopting in the last couple of days. I go upstairs with a pillow. I have a blanket there...no heat on. I lay down initially in a pose which resembles the hanged man. One leg extended, the other bent, with the foot, placed beneath the other leg, arms outstretched, one eye open and one eye closed, One looking to the future, the other eye looking to the past. I eventually have to shift my legs...I'm still very flexible, but I can feel my age and it is uncomfortable to keep my one leg bent for a long period of time. This meditation can easily last an hour minimum, as it is very much a fluid state of being and one spread across time. Incidentally if you do this meditation, make sure no one disturbs you. The consequences can be unnerving as your sense of time is stretched out all over the place.

You basically end up drifting across time during this meditation. At the same time, all those feelings of emptiness just end up getting accepted and flow away into the river of time. I not only come away with an altered state of mind and a subconscious awareness of what to do next, and even some conscious manipulations of time, but I also come away a sense of great calm. Undoubtedly I'll be doing this meditation more, so keep your reader eyes peeled. I look into the past and the future. I am not present, because present doesn't exist, yet I have presence in all things and none, everything and nothing.

********

The last week has continued in a similar vein to the rest of this month. As I work with this element the past has been dug up. That's where the emptiness began, so it's fitting I go to the root of it in my explorations of this element. I use my meditation technique on days when the emptiness particularly feels present, so that I can work with that feeling, even as I extend my mind across time into memories of future and past.

My latest article on Reality Sandwich

Magic: It's more than just finding parking spaces This article reflects some of my ongoing changes in my philosophy about occult culture and the relevance of magic within it and life in general.

Critical Thinking, Intuition, Success, and Magic

I've had some really intriguing discussions lately about the role of critical thinking in magic, which consequently has also lead to discussing the concept of success and showing it, intuition and it's role in magic, and of course magic itself. Now I'm of the stance that critical thinking is an important tool in magic. This comes from my days in academia, wherein critical thinking was applied laboriously to every and all things. But from those same days, I've also seen how easily critical thinking can get abused and become something which dulls the mind and creativity of the inquirer. I saw this happen to fellow grad students and for a while had it happen to me before I decided I valued my creativity and decided to depart academia for more creative ventures. So on one hand I think critical thinking is good and on the other hand, I know all too well what happens when critical thinking becomes dogma. In fact, when it becomes dogma, it's no longer really critical thinking, so much as it is the guise of being critical thinking, with a whole of bitterness thrown in, because there's no creativity left to challenge the belief that one has to analyze everything into bits and pieces.

Critical thinking, in magic, is asking questions, of yourself, of what you're doing, and how this process is supposed to change your life. Critical thinking really works when you also add in a component of success. And what is success? Depends on the person, I suppose. For me, success is based on living a life of fulfillment and service. My success is defined by the fulfillment I obtain from it, but also the service I offer to others in the act of living. And critical thinking applies to this when I can ask myself the hard questions as to how magic enables me to achieve this feeling of success in my own life and what is the benefit of doing magic, and many other questions.

Intuition involves creativity, and learning to let go of rationality to sometimes listen to emotion, and a variety of other ways of knowing that aren't encompassed in critical thinking. Intuition is not just a kinesthetic awareness of the self, but also an awareness that extends into how we interact with the environment around us. Intuition balances critical thinking by providing us a different medium of experience. In fact, intuition is based on experience...so while critical thinking provides an intelelctual approach to magic, intuition gives us the experience to make the intellect come alive with wonder.

Meeting the Spider Goddess of Time

My grandmother died on Veteran's day. I never really knew her. I met her maybe half a dozen times in my life. But I did feel sad for my father, who even though prepared for it, is still sad. I don't attribute any special significance to her death in regards to emptiness itself, so much as I recognize that death is an ending, and emptiness is about endings and beginnings. She's left one form of life and rejoined the cycle of life. After I found out she died, I decided to try and use my new meditation to try and make one last connection out of respect for her presence in my life, and also a bit of sorrow for missed opportunities. I wanted to pay my respects to her in some form or manner that would let me connect with her, even though she is now gone from this plane of existence. I used my special meditation for emptiness, arms outstretched, one eye open, the other closed, my mind drifting across all time and space. The eye that is open is only partially open, with the eye-lid half closed, so that you only see partially out of one eyelid and there isn't much focusing. The focus of the eye shifts inward, so you're looking across time and space. I called the name of her once, out load, letting the vibrations carry out across the spiral rhythm of time, onto the web of the spider time goddess. I found her in memories, I found her ready to join the dead, and she asked, "Why have you come after me, my grandson?" And I said, "To help you on your way to the land of the dead, she who was and will be..." We walked, nothing said, just walking across the silken strands of time, visiting moments of intersection in my memory briefly and then coming to a river, my ancestors across the way waving to her. She turned to me and said, "This is goodbye". I said, "Goodbye my grandmother, goodbye she who was and will be..." We embraced one time, then she flowed on to the land of the dead, back into the cycle of life.

As I came back from the land of the dead, I met the spider goddess of time, weaving her web of wyrds and fate and destiny. She looked at me and said, "You are one of mine, even as you belong to the other time gods. The emptiness you seek is the doorway to our domain, to the infinity of time and space, all things and none. Use your guide and the infinity sign to keep finding us. In them is the eternal beat of the spiral rhythm of time, the silken vibrations of my web, the pulsing red star light of Thiede, Purson's promise of all secrets revealed and more. We named you ours early on, and we're coming to take our due. Seek us in the emptiness, seek us in the depths of all and none, the zero and one through which you've seen the crystalline perfection and the star eyed one who is you, as you are hir."

I bowed to her and thanked her, and she said, "Thank the one who departed. It's her gift to you." I thanked my departed grandmother for her gift of this journey that allowed me to meet the spider goddess of time.

Everything is perfect in the moment when you have no control over anything. When you surrender and let it all overwhelm you and take you somewhere no one else can go. Tonight, I surrendered to the current of time and let it sweep me somewhere I'd never gone...perfection. I lose myself in that current sometimes, whether in a meditation like tonight, or in the rapidly turning pages of a book, where I'm caught up in the creation of the time and space in the pages that turn and the words that burn into my mind a different world and place. My awareness of time slips out of linear and into a place where time is very circular, spiral, all over the place. Times' always been something very mutable and malleable. One moment shifts into another, but a moment can last for an infinity or it can be gone in the blink of an eye, which is one reason I'm fascinated with time as an expression of reality. The spider goddess of time, as grokked from Oryelle's writing and met tonight on my trance passage is enough another expression of temporal slippages. I've walked on her silver silken strands before, but this time I met her. I'm sure we will meet again.

Emptiness and Time

Since I've started reading Oryelle's A Brief Hirstory of Time, and also because of a conversation with a fellow practitioner, I've been thinking a lot about time's role within emptiness. It strikes me that time has a very prevalent role, both in emptiness itself, and in what comes after emptiness. Within emptiness time is representative of all the possibilities that could exist. Time isn't static in emptiness, though it may seem like it would be. Rather everything is occurring all at once. Time is non-linear, indistinguishable from reality. Time occurs, but isn't defined into measurements or increments.

When emptiness changes, when possibility becomes reality, time can be linear or cyclical, depending on how one perceives the event occurring. Oryelle says time becomes emit, or time is emitted and that works as well for our purposes. Time is emitted from emptiness when possibility manifests into reality.

It's interesting to realize that emptiness is not a vaccuum...there is existence even within emptiness. It's fluid, constantly changing, almost entrophic and the only thing which makes it non-entrophic is that a choice can be made and when the choice is made, progression occurs, something comes out of nothing, 1 originates out of 0.

If you think about it making a choice is when time begins. Or at least a version of time related to that choice...or not because there's everything leading up to choice, at which it might be cyclical instead of linear.

So it seems like the element of emptiness is also the element of time. It makes sense to me. I'm actually developing a new meditation technique, using time and the element of emptiness, but I'll discuss that at a later date.

An intriguing phenomenon I've noticed

I just finished reading The Apophenion by Peter Carroll and started a Brief Hirstory of time by Oryelle Defenestate-Bascule and I've noticed a really intriguing in both those books and Farber's latest book. It seems like all these authors have created specific entities that are engaged with, invoked, etc., by the very act of reading the book. It's as if the book acts as a gateway into the mind of a person and then uses that to create a connection to the entity which allows it to manifest. In fact, there's principles of memory which could be worked with in that way. If the entity imprints on the memory, then every time the entity is remembered or imagined it's invoked into the life of the person. I can see some roots of this in Burroughs work and Austin Osman spare's art concepts. With william S. Burroughs, you can feel the character's come alive, and I think his books were his way of invoking himself into the lives of other people, through his use of characterisation...as some of his characters were based off him. And of course a lot of written books inadvertently invoke entities, because the characters are so real to the people that they become a live for those people, but it's only with these books that I've noted an intentional effort toward creating an entity. I imagine too, that if you faithfully do the exercises that this strengthens the connection of the entity to you, as well as how it manifests in your life. It does make me wonder if I could create such an entity myself...Actually I think we do it all the time...but creating one where the book itself activated the entity is fascinating to me.

As is I can safely say that the goddess apophenia is now a presence in my life as a result of reading Carroll's work and I'm inclined to sustain that effort by working with her...it makes the book more efficacious when I read it next time. Although I've decided to already reattribute her as a time goddess, instead of how Carroll treats...which then makes me wonder if the book allows you to create your own variant of the entity, which could even work at cross purposes of the writer's intention.

Book Review: The Apohenion by Peter Carroll

I was really intrigued when Carroll released a new book on chaos magic. The Apophenion is the introduction to a goddess, more space/time speculatation, theory, and practice from Carroll, an exploration of the multi-mind and much more. It is a book worth picking up if you're into chaos magic or experimental magic, or if you're curious as to how someone who has training in math and science is applying that training to magic.

What I liked about the book was Carroll's succinct explanations of his theories about time magic and the multi-mind. I also liked his explanation of Apophenia and how one can work with her. I already consider her a deity of space/time workings from his description of her. I will note that the Apophenion is mainly a book of theory and that it assumes that readers already know a good deal about magic. Any practical applications of it, are left entirely in the hands of the readers to produce.

With this book, Carroll charts new path for chaos magic, while also updating readers on his own work. I highly recommend it as an inspiring and thought-provoking read.

5 out of 5 chaostars

The Importance of Meaning

Earlier tonight I got into a discussion with one of my magical partners about meaning. I'd noted that what makes any kind of relationship important is the meaning that people invest into those relationships. This is true whether it's a relationship with another person, your spiritual beliefs, your cat or dog or rabbit, or anything else. The meaning we invest defines the relationship. The permutations and labels of the relationship come later and can't exist without the meaning. I was asked, if the context of the meaning was different, would the relationship be as important?

In this last year's work with the element of love, and even just two weeks into the emptiness working, I have learned so much about the value of meaning regardless of the context. If we attribute value to only what we want, we can miss out on what is truly important, which is being open to what we can learn from each relationship we have. This is why the saying, "love is blind" is apt, because the search for love can sometimes blind us to what we have in front of us.

Lupa, my wife, taught me a lot about meaning this last year. She helped me realize that the superficial trappings of a relationship can sometimes catch us up so much that we forget to look at the meaning we invest in the relationship. We focus instead on looking at what we don't have, without realizing that to really have anything in a relationship meaning has to be invested and earned to make the relationship really bloom.

So my answer is that while the context can certainly describe a relationship and some of the ways the meaning is expressed, the context shouldn't replace the actual meaning derived from the relationship. If something or someone is important to you, then they should be important regardless of the context. I will admit, that this understanding is something that long eluded me. It's only been over the course of this last year that I've even approached meaning in this way and I owe most of that to my wife.

And so we come to the last question, one not asked by my magical partner, but one that I've asked many times over, both to myself and to those people who I consider dear to me, though how I've asked it comes in different shapes and forms. What does meaning have to do with us, with magic, with anything?

Everything and nothing. Meaning is potential...what we do with meaning is up to us.  Meaning provides potential by providing us a vision of what we feel is important. We acknowledge this importance by saying such and such has meaning...yet for the potential of meaning to be realized, action needs to be taken. That action can be as simple as writing a letter or email, or as elaborate as a year long elemental ritual to emptiness. The potential of meaning is made by the actions you take to realize it.

Meaning what? Meaning whatever you make of it, good sir

The Latest Issue of Rending the Veil is up

The Latest issue of Rending the Veil is up! It features articles by Patrick Dunn, Cat Vincent, Lupa, myself, and others.

I direct readers of this blog to my article: The Evolution of Magic, which has an important announcement at the end of it. Also my new column: Occult Author Spotlight debuts with a look at Pascal Beverly Randolph. The other articles are also really good. I found Dunn's article on creating an imaginary friend particularly intriguing.

So check out the Samhain issue of Rending the Veil and see what's being done by some of the cutting edge occultists.

When to walk away from working with other people

My Interview with Abigail Doherty. This was a fascinating interview, where I learned about some intriguing energy work techniques as well as Abigail's work with animals. When to Walk Away from Working with Other people

Mostly I write about magical experiments on here. Today however, I had an adventure where I chose to walk away from a situation where I might've done magic with people. Now, I'm really picky about who I work with. I have definite criteria that need to be met:

1. Must have a well-rounded background in magical practices and also non-magical disciplines. By well-rounded I mean someone who's studied magic extensively enough to know that the occult does not begin nor end with Crowley, and has some familiarity with not just hermeticism or chaos magic, but also Eastern approaches to magic. Being well-rounded in non-magical disciplines involves learning more a variety of disciplines such as finance, semiotics, the sciences, linguistics etc.
2. Must have a critical, but open mind when it comes to experimentation. Know how to question the process and refine it.
3. Must be able to show consistent effort in magical practice. No high holiday magicians here!

So today I was going to meet up with a small group of people who were trying to grow their magical group. I went mainly to see what they were doing and cause I'm curious about what others are doing. When I went there, I couldn't find them, mainly because they weren't where they said they would be. When I did encounter them, they wanted to go into a graveayrd to do their ritual. This made me feel uneasy. I don't believe in doing rituals in graveyards for the simple reasons that a graveyard is a very personal place for the dead and those people who come to honor their ancestors. None of the people I went with had ancestors there and neither did I. When they told me their ritual and mentioned it could be changed around in whatever way worked for other people, I knew at the point I couldn't work with them. Also my intuition had strongly picked up on the feeling that we were not wanted there and that the ritual was not welcome. I told them that it didn't feel right and I left without partaking in their ritual.

I walked away from working with these people because they didn't strike me as very organized or aware of magical practice. I questioned each of them a bit about their background and quickly realized they didn't seem to have what I might consider a solid foundation of magical practice. Nor were they at the place they indicated I should meet them, which seemed flaky to me. Finally, they didn't seem aware that there ritual might not be wanted. This especially bothered me, because if you practice magic, you ought to be able to sense if what you're doing is welcome or not and I definitely could tell that the dead did not want to be disturbed.

I never do magic with people I feel uneasy about. If I have any doubts, I walk away. And the reason I walk away is because you are sharing your energy with those people...It's important to be wise and careful about that. Think about your own standards for who you will practice with. What makes that person someone you'd work with? What tells you that you shouldn't work with someone? Think as well about the culture you want to be part of? Do these people represent that culture? If you have any doubts, walk away. You'll be doing yourself and those people a favor.

The Emperor

In the course of getting involved in the Emptiness working, I've had an intriguing encounter with another pop culture entity, namely the Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars, aka Darth Sidious. It probably didn't help that until a couple weeks ago I was playing The Force Unleashed, wherein the character appears, but even so the appearance of this entity in the Emptiness working is appropriate since a lot of the emotions I'm dealing with would fall under the "Dark Side" of the spectrum. I am of course aware of just how treacherous and power hungry this particular entity is. Yet in dealing with the emotions I've encountered, he's been a quiet presence occasionally offering advice...though I have yet to shoot lightning from my hands. His advice has mainly consisted of allowing myself to feel the emotion and give it expression in the act of feeling it. For me the giving of expression to those emotions has involved some opening up, but also the dissolution of the meotion by feeling it, and the adding of that energy to the feeling of emptiness, which provides a sensation of a neutral mindset, with an enhanced awareness of my immediate environment as well as the patterns of behavior and action that people are involved in. Obviously this a bit different than how the Emperor is portrayed in Star Wars, and yet it seems appropriate. The emperor is a manipulator...to be an effective manipulator he needs to be able to observe others dispassionately...he needs to be able to be empty at times. While I don't intend to become a manipulator, I do know that learning to be comfortable with emptiness is learning to be comfortable with achieving a state of mind that flows with emotion, but doesn't let the emotion take control.

This has also lead into a new direction with my energy work: Learning how to dissolve my emotional energy without automatically cycling it via a Taoist technique. Instead, I'm dissolving the energ and settling it into the feeling of emptiness itself, which ends up actually infusing the energy into me. When working with energy like this, I feel the energy settle into a vast river or stream that is within the emptiness.

I am continuing to work with the Taoist styles of energetic work, but I also think there is some value toward what I'm exploring through the emptiness working. I'm also starting to realize just how much I need to make certain changes in some plans I have for the future...I have so much to share.

"Go at your own pace"

When I hiked on Tuesday and later on Sunday, each time I hiked XAH was with me, loping alongside me. Everytime I felt the urge to speed up, he cautioned me, "Go at your own pace." I slowed down. I started to lope along at a pace that was easy on my body. The hike became much easier and I started to notice more details. Instead of trying to conquer the mountain, I was soaking in what was around me. I started to have a deeper appreciation for the way the light was filtered through the trees. The cold air kissed me as it never had before, and the Earth seemed to welcome as it's child. XAH grinned at me and said, "See, much easier. You're so busy trying to get somewhere you forget how to enjoy where you are." Relaxing into my own pace, I focused less on where I wanted to...I'm already where I need to be. When I think about that advice in my life, I appreciate anew something I've thought before: It will all be there tomorrow...Do what I can today, but relax and enjoy what I have as well. "Go at your own pace" means so much more than regulating my pace and in emptiness going at your own pace is what keeps you going on the road to everything and nothing

A sharp wrenching pain the feeling of claws scrabbling against my skin A muzzle coming forth from my chest blood dripping from the lolling tongue the golden eyes ablaze with life as the light from my own eyes begins to fade under a film of death.

He is reborn, he is reborn I am just the capsule for his expression Nine tails come out of the gap He's standing over my ruined body He grins down at my with gaping jaws, and then playfully seizes my face in his haws Delicately, delicately he could crush my face so easily, but he just swipes me with his tongue.

"Join me..." He swipes his tongue over my wounds the blood clots, the vessels repair, the skin closes. I stand up, with his help, my hand on his fur

"Destruction is birth Creativity is death Everything in nothing nothing becoming everything Join me"

We run, run, run into the void I am distant from everything and yet so close you could feel the fox-fire of my breath on your cheek if you knew how.

His eyes are infinity his breath is death I'm fading into him

So this is nothing I'm so empty I'm just a husk everything is gone and yet it's all so close.

"Join me..."

Randomness

The Power of being Open in Magic This is refined article of one of my previous posts, published on Right Where You are sitting Now. I expanded the concepts a bit further in it to explain how being open can actually limit the field of possibilities that are accessible.

******

Who is speaking? Who is writing? Who is reading? I've been reading a book based on Gurdijeff's techniques around language and it seems he played quite a bit with concepts of self as they are expressed and perceived via language. The book is called The Magic Language of the Fourth Way by Pierre Bonnasse. I'm also reading the Apohenion by Peter Carroll, and Meta-Magick By Phil Farber, as well as Guerilla Marketing by Jay Conrad Levinson and The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene.

I find such a variety of reading to be very potent in how one considers his/her magical practice. We look at a variety disciplines to learn about the different perspectives for how reality manifests. We look at different magical traditions, but also other disciplines so we can understand how those disciplines inform how others consider the world. A Multi-disciplinarian approach ensures that we don't limit ourselves or get stuck in the past. It demands we look around and see what others are doing, so that we consider our practices in light of that.

When I started practicing magic at 16 (Do you know I've been practicing for half my lifetime now?) I wanted to learn everything I could about magic. Now at 32, I want to learn everything I can about everything. A generalist's approach. My friend Bill says that specialization is for insects...and I agree. Knowing a lot about one area of study can make you ill-informed and shallow about so much else. And whilst the same argument could be made that focusing on a generalist approach makes for a shallow understanding across a broad stretch of disciplines, I've found that as I learn about the different disciplines and ways of structuring life, there's a lot of cross over and connection. What's different is the discourse, the jargon, the language we use to communicate with each other.

********

I'm now a teacher at the Growing Edge Institute, which is a sister site of Maybe Logic Academy. My first course will start on November 24th and it will be on Pop Culture Magic: an Exploration of 21st Century Mythology. The description for the class is below:

From the mid twentieth century to the present, pop culture has presented us a new mythology for our time and culture. While the beliefs and practices of older cultures are still viable, this class will show you how to integrate the mythology of pop culture into your occult practice. Lessons will include the following:

•    How to create a relationship with a pop culture or corporate entity and work with it for a variety of purposes, including letting it teach you a skill, navigate the dangers of the modern workplace, and modernize magical practices. •    How to incorporate pop culture into practical applications of magic, including how to use video games to do practical magic, how comicbook design can be used in magical practice, Pop Astral magic, etc. •    How pop culture is defined in pop culture magic, and how to create your own personal system of magic with pop culture. •    How to create effective collages for evoking people and situations into your life. •    How clothing, video games, and pop culture can be used to hone your invocation skills and change your identity

The ultimate goal of this course is to present you with a pop culture toolbox that you can use to integrate contemporary culture into your magical practices.

One week in

One week in to the Elemental Emptiness ritual working and I can already feel some definite differences. A lot of my insecurities have come forward a lot more. Some of it is just the nature of dealing with the emptiness and some of it is a personal situation I'm adjusting to. Regardless, these feelings have surfaced and I'm working on how they make me feel feel, because it's not just feeling the emotion, it's also feeling the hollowness these emotions provide. I've noticed that my enjoyment of different things has decreased a bit, while at the same time, the physical stimuli of light in particular stands out much more than before. What does the latter have to do with emptiness? I have no clue, not yet.

On Tuesday, when I hiked, I almost feel at one point. If I had fallen, I'd have likely tumbled down a cliff and hit a rocky area. I caught myself in time, but it was a reminder of my mortality. And on Friday I got into a car accident. Nothing too severe, no physical pain...but the spectre of emotional pain, the reminder of a car accident that was much worse again brought up that reminder of my mortality. Since emptiness or void is about nothingness, the reminder of mortality is a reminder of emptiness as well, in its own way.

For me, a lot of this vulnerability...it is liked being soaked with rain, trying to find even a hint of dryness and knowing you can't...you shudder, you try to bundle in, but the wet is there...that's how my vulnerability feels in the face of starting work with this element.

Future me

So there's a site called Futureme.org where you can send an email to yourself in the future. I've been using it for the last couple years to occasionally emails to myself and predict or set the intent for what I want to manifest. The result's have been fairly accurate and this doesn't surprise me because I'm essentially telling myself what I plan to manifest. I keep the emails short and to the point. At most four sentences. I think if you can't conscisely state what you want, you probably don't know what you want. I don't know if I consider this a space/time magic experiment or not...I suppose it could be and it will be going into the book as an example of some of my work with my future selves. It's worth trying out anyway...

Bits and Pieces

I finished reading Language, Thought and Reality by Benjamin Lee Whorf and waltzed right into Defining Reality by Edward Schiappa. Whorf's work was interesting and makes me wonder how much Burroughs might have read or if Burroughs came to similar conclusions about language independently. Defining Reality, by Schiappa, is a favorite book of mine and is a logical extension of Whorf's work and argument that language shapes our conceptions of reality. A definition describes agency, and can be an attempt to control the conceptualization of reality. *********

I've been thinking lately that the more a person exposes him/her self to a particular meme, the more desensitizied s/he becomes to that particular meme. Initially the meme is quite pervasive and powerful, but later it becomes boring, something all too often encountered. You begin to realize that you've been there again and again and again. What makes a meme live? The value and meaning associated with it, but desensitization can take the meaning out of a meme, make it part of the background. Eventually it fades away, the lustre lost in the glow of new memes or simply the lack of meaning a person finds in all those crazy memes. At some point a meme without meaning is a person without water. Dehydrated and dying. Memes only have value when they are provided meaning...even if that meaning is as simple as fulfilling a desire such as hunger or sex.

The dedication to the Element of Emptiness

On Saturday I finished my elemental love working and switched over to the element of emptiness. When Babalon took me and handed me off, she handed me to XAH, the fox lord. XAH is part of my personal mythology, the core of my being, a fox lord, and yet so much more as well...He is not a being I've ever written about before...I've kept him secret over the years. I suppose it's appropriate he comes out now when I'm doing this work at the very core of myself. As soon as I was handed to him, I felt him take me into the center of my being, into the emptiness, with lots of potential, but also an aching sense of nothing...this which has prompted so many of my choices. I painted the elemental symbol of emptiness on my chest and then I felt JAH possess my body. I hunched down on my four legs, one eye open, the other closed, my mouth a rictus snarl...I felt him speak:

"I am the emptiness you fear, the emptiness you seek.

I am the mote of light in the darkness that shows so bright and entices so much,

but leaves you always longing for more.

I am the fox-lord XAH, I am the core of your spirit...melded with you since you were seven...you are mine now...for this year we'll get to know each other well, and see if we can't find some peace with this emptiness.

We sat down and he took my hand and started painting, the painting to represent his face, to represent his presence:

Today, my birthday, I'd told Lupa that I'd be going on a solo hike. I normally spend my birthday with her, but since this the element of emptiness, I told her she was free to do as she pleased and she opted for getting together with a friend. As I saw her leave this morning, I felt a sensation of abandonment and XAH stirred and grinning told me, "Return to Source"

I headed out to the Multnomah Gorge, listening to Current 93 and as I sang along with the songs, I felt XAH stir again and the energy within me seemed to focus on feelings of abandonment, guilt etc...reminded me of something I was told on Sunday, to let go of the guilt others had put on me. The abandonment is a core emotion for me. My earliest memory was of being given away to my dad by my mom, sometime after they divorced, and the theme of abandonment has played out numerous other times in my life. Realizing how tied abandonment has been to my feeling of emptiness was enlightening for me...it's a gateway emotion, but also a distraction from the emptiness.

When I got to Multnomah falls, I got my gear and started to hike. I'd actually had someone recommend a place with caves for today, but I chose where a lot of people went, because many of my experiences with emptiness have happened around people, the feeling of not really belonging, of having no connection with those people...so it seemed appropiate that a contemplation of emptiness in my life start in a place with lots of people.

As I hiked, I felt empty, but also felt emotions come up. Emotions of abandonment, not fitting in, jealousy, guilt, anger, hunger...all the emotions that signal emptiness for me. And I acknowledged these emotions and let them fall away, because again they were distractions...something to acknowledge, but also something that sometimes only allowed me to experience a surface knowledge of emptiness. As I hiked further in and dealt with emotions that came up, I also felt more and more comfortable with the emptiness. I came to a point, where no one was hiking except for me and I was in a place I hadn't been and I felt a great sense of contentment sweep over me and I felt empty and it was good...it was a state of profound observation and awareness, with no mental chatter. I looked around at the way the light kissed the trees and the ground, the way the wetness permeated the air and I felt alive, at peace, empty and free. I realized emptiness itself has never been the issue...it's been the emotions leading to it, the focus on negative experiences and the association that arises as a result. I continued hiking. XAH would occasionally make himself known to me, offering bits of advice or suggestions about where I could go. The gentle humor he offered, as well as the integration of our respective energies was quite comforting. I came away with a greatly enhanced appreciation of what I was experiencing. The emptiness was a place where no thought needed to arise, no emotion needed to be felt. You just experienced. I don't think I've ever felt as close to nature as I did today. The place I was in had a twilight appearance.

I eventually turned around and came home, but I felt touched in a way that is so silent, so graceful, so different from so much of my life. I think I will learn a lot this year.

Tarot Reading Experiments

If you've read Space/Time Magic, you know that my stance on divination is that it's best not to do it to determine what might happen in the future if you do a certain act. However, I also think reading Tarot can be much more subtle, particularly when it's focused on analyzing a current situation as opposed to trying to determine a potential future. When I do tarot readings for people, I ask those people to create their own spread. My reason for doing that is simple: I think pre-defined spreads limit the possibility of interpretation and may end up creating inaccurate readings. I prefer it when my clients create their own personalized spreads. A spread is a pattern, a way of interacting with the world, and a personalized spread is more effective because it shows the client's thinking process and also helps the client understand the reading.

Another way I experiment with tarot readings is to make sure the client doesn't tell me about the question or situation. I prefer to not know because it forces me to really rely on my intuition and also is a good gauge for determining how accurate the reading is. If I don't know the question or situation, I can't read that into my interpretation...it ends up being more unbiased and consequently is more powerful and accurate...Not knowing frees the intuitive side and allows access to the super consciousness.

Over the weekend I found that my readings were very accurate. Each time my clients were amazed at how applicable the cards and interpretations were, even though I didn't know much beyond the name of the person. The real test for someone who utilizes tarot cards or other divinatory devices is a test of not knowing and relying on intuition to guide you.

Elemental Love Work month 12

I wrote this poem on Thursday, in my live journal. I'm reposting it here, because it depicts part of the conclusion to the elemental Love work. The connection is what we want silver strands that glisten by the star light, whispering promises from the vibrations of the space/time wind The core opens to reveal the secret heart of the universe a path lit up by red lines of force the flames of the fox fire beckoning, and luring on those eager hunters of desire

Hourglass eyes witness the illusion of time, The spiderweb, wet with dew, promises a non linear story Truth, truth, truth...

Whirling fan over the light, a very tired person looks up spreads his arms, and journeys into the iridescent glow of promise. I see all possibilities in the quantum sea everything could, is, was, will do, but will any of it become?

I am also Empty...Reach in and pull the last out Everything is stripped away...she took me on she gave me surfeit her hand gentle on my cheek, while the other rips everything out.

Your illusions are gone, now what?

Now what indeed. It's month 12...The end of the year long elemental love work...The end of my working with Babalon, the sacred whore, the scarlet woman, she who takes on all, but demands the sacrifice of your illusions. Babalon has thoroughly fucked me this last year. At times she had been a gentle lover, at other times a demanding bitch. One hand has caressed me as a lover, while the other has ripped my heart out. And through it all, her scarlet eyes have looked into mine, holding me steady, urging me on, demanding the best from me.

I wouldn't recommend the element of love to just anyone. I think this year's work has been by far the most intense and demanding of all my magical workings. You have to be ready to sacrifice it all on the altar of love to experience the truths you will inevitably find about yourself, and if you get anything back, count yourself blessed, and recognize you also earned it.

This last month has been one of nostalgia, regret, and healing. I remember a year ago, I remember how desperate I was, how much I knew I needed to change, my patterns of love had grown very toxic indeed. I was a toxic bloom, everything on the surface, ready to be popped. I remember meeting a priestess of Babalon, and a relationship that didn't work out and being told, "This elemental love work has left bruises on my heart, your wife's heart, and your heart. Will it be worth it?" I remember bad communication on my part, an unwillingness to really be open or intimate and my journey throughout this year to learn how to do that, how to really open up, how to be vulnerable, how to be honest despite the fear. Honesty with others, but most importantly honesty with myself about my desires, my fears, and what has motivated so many of  my choices.

I remember other situations, other people, all the lies I told to myself, ripped away. And I remember a couple nights with Lupa, where I really opened up, where I told her things I had not told her or anyone else. I remember being honest with her in a way I have never been with anyone, and despite my fears, despite the ingrained responses and reactions that said to just hold it all in, to protect myself by never saying a thing...I spoke...I told her, I laid myself out and let her see the real me. And she accepted me...she showed me LOVE, even as Babalon has Shown me LOVE.

A couple weeks ago, I felt the weight of these regrets...My mind wandered through the past year, through the lessons earned, the people touched, the bruises left, especially the bruise in myself. And I felt Babalon stir beside me. She gave me a gentle look and parted the folds of my flesh, to the heart underneath, and instead of seizing it in her hand as she often has, she gently touched it, touched the bruise of my regrets, and she said,

"It's time to let this go. You've learned what you needed to from this. Let it go, so you can move on and let other people into your life and into your love when you're ready. You've learned the lessons I needed to teach you and I will always be here to remind you of them, and also support you as you continue your journey."

And she took those regrets away...the physical pain I felt in the hollow of my chest left me.

This last Monday, I was talking with Wes Unruh about language, magic, semiotics, and we got around to talking about Babalon and male magicians. He said that he didn't think a male magician came into his full power until he'd had an encounter with Babalon. He told me of his own experiences and mentioned that for about a year after his working with Babalon ended he had focused on the element of emptiness and on rebuilding himself...and I found great comfort in this, because it's another confirmation I made the right choices, and I'm on the right path.

I was asked earlier this year, if this elemental love work would be worth the bruises, and the pain. And my answer is yes. It is worth all the pain caused, all the pain felt. It is worth the pain I caused as well as the pain I felt. It's not that I wanted to cause that pain. It's not that I felt a secret delight. No...That pain is part of the process of life, of how you learn. I made mistakes, I came face to face with the reality of the effects of those mistakes. The regret I felt for the pain I caused was something that's haunted me for this last half year. And yet, that pain, for me, for them has the potential for growth. It's what we choose to make it...and so Babalon showed me I could let go, move on, heal...

Last year, I said to Lupa, I said to others, "All of the relationships I'm in now will be changed if I do this working." And everything changed for those relationships. Every single relationship I was involved in on a romantic level is now gone, accept the relationship with my wife, which has ended up stronger than ever before because we worked through our problems with each other and came to a deeper, more intimate relationship than any I've ever had, except for one. It's taken a lot of work and honesty on our parts, but here we stand together, stronger than ever...

And that one relationship which is deeper and more intimate...that's the relationship I have with myself. This year has forced me to know myself as I never did before, and this next year will take me even further, but I'm ready for that plunge. Babalon has shown me not just the truth of LOVE, but also that of Strength. The strength to forgive, the strength to let go, the strength to love, and the strength to learn. She showed me my strength, even as she took away all the delusions I'd told myself.

Babalon told me it would get harder before it got easier, and she was right. It got really hard somedays to wake up and face the reality of my motivations, my desires, my love or lack thereof. In April, when I walked around, desperately unhappy, desperate to fill something in me and instead walked home and told Lupa about my emptiness, about how empty I sometimes feel, that's when I started to really learn from this year's elemental working...that's when I came face to face with the underlying motivation for so much of my unhealthy behaviors. That's when I realized just how much my feeling of emptiness had so often motivated my choices to try and find something to fill it, instead of choosing to feel it. And now that I know that feeling...now I'm ready to accept it, to move into it and everything it has to teach me.

On Friday, I had some of my hair cut. Babalon spoke to me in a moment of shared love and lust, in a moment of ritual, a finishing touch. That night, Lupa massaged me, talked with me, reconnected with me about our love, about what we find so important and she cut my hair, part of my payment to Babalon. Below is a poem I wrote about Friday:

"You've still got to pay up the last bit for this year of companionship I gave you" She told me.

Her long black hair framed her face, cascading down her frame, hiding her body, leaving only the oval of her face her red eyes staring into mine a doorway into the abyss an invitation into Emptiness

As we fucked with wild abandon her hands touched my long hair and she said,

"Perhaps some of this... Cut some of it for me and also for the next element Cut it as an offering when you pass through the gateway within me and within you The gateway to the heart of the universe"

As we came to crescendo, She and I, My goddess of desire, her beast to ride, I felt myself swallowed into her. She whispered,

"Conjunctio, The joining of forces Your principle joined to mine, In combination we create the alchemical wedding Your sacrifice opens the gate that your seed might be consumed and you reborn in my dark womb of Emptiness Your potential realized in the joining of everything and nothing."

Later my body massaged with hands of gentle love and care, my hair brushed out, the scissors snap some is taken away "Taking a little, so a lot can grow back, so you can realize your potential" Caressed, loved, forgiven, your hands know my body I fall into the light of the quantum sea out of reality, into everything

Everything I am falling back to potential, In her hands I lay, in her womb I will be sacrificed The gateway is open, Conjunctio achieved Emptiness beckons It's a promise of potential I'll take.

"Your last price is paid, Your coin is accepted the gate is open, fly free my love fly free

When you come back reborn anew, you will really know me and my name.

And I whisper,

"Babalon, Great goddess, Sacred whore, scarlet woman, take me, take me, take my sacrifice and show me the door to conjunctio, show me the door to emptiness zero and one, everything and none, where potential awaits to sculpt, to show, to provide the pathway to the heart of the universe to the silver webs of time, and the purple halls of space"

And she rips away from me the last shred of illusion Her hand caresses my cheek one last time, her tears touch my face, She kisses my lips one last time, to steal my last breath Great Babalon has destroyed me.

And now... I'm free to arise. Elemental Emptiness show me the way, through the door

I am here, I am there I am everywhere, everywhen, all things and none, a whisper on the wind, the caress of a hand on your chin all realities within my eyes, I am reborn into emptiness... I am reborn to realize my potential.

Today, Saturday, I finished the Love working. I went upstairs, with the painting of the seal of Babalon, The beast dagger, the candle with her visage gracing it. I lit the sacred candle in my temple. I dedicated two posters of the mythos of Babalon as told by Oryelle Defenestate-Bascule to Her. I burned a bit of my cut off hair in the flame of the candle. I cut her seal into my flesh, her name into my skin with the tip of the dagger, tracing so delicately upon my skin the imprint of this goddess...

I sang her praise, I thanked her for her gifts, and then I asked her to take me through the portal to emptiness. I fucked her one last time, giving her my seed and then I was taken in hand by the entity who represents emptiness...But that story will not be told until Tuesday, when the dedication ritual is finished.

Farewell Babalon, sacred Goddess and sacred whore, my lover and destroyer.

The lyric below is from the song Here's to You by Lisbeth Scott. I removed a couple words, that aren't relevant to me, to this year's working...but the lyrics of this song, the song itself is a fitting end to the love working and the beginning of the work on the element of Emptiness:

Here's to you... Rest forever and ever... The last and final moment is yours. Agony's your triumph.

Here's to you, Rest forever here in our hearts. The last and final moment is yours. Agony's your triumph.