I wrote this poem on Thursday, in my live journal. I'm reposting it here, because it depicts part of the conclusion to the elemental Love work.
The connection is what we want
silver strands that glisten by the star light,
whispering promises from the vibrations of the space/time wind
The core opens to reveal the secret heart of the universe
a path lit up by red lines of force
the flames of the fox fire beckoning,
and luring on those eager hunters of desire
Hourglass eyes witness the illusion of time,
The spiderweb, wet with dew, promises a non linear story
Truth, truth, truth...
Whirling fan over the light,
a very tired person looks up
spreads his arms, and journeys into the iridescent glow of promise.
I see all possibilities in the quantum sea
everything could, is, was, will do, but will any of it become?
I am also Empty...Reach in and pull the last out
Everything is stripped away...she took me on
she gave me surfeit
her hand gentle on my cheek,
while the other rips everything out.
Your illusions are gone,
Now what indeed. It's month 12...The end of the year long elemental love work...The end of my working with Babalon, the sacred whore, the scarlet woman, she who takes on all, but demands the sacrifice of your illusions. Babalon has thoroughly fucked me this last year. At times she had been a gentle lover, at other times a demanding bitch. One hand has caressed me as a lover, while the other has ripped my heart out. And through it all, her scarlet eyes have looked into mine, holding me steady, urging me on, demanding the best from me.
I wouldn't recommend the element of love to just anyone. I think this year's work has been by far the most intense and demanding of all my magical workings. You have to be ready to sacrifice it all on the altar of love to experience the truths you will inevitably find about yourself, and if you get anything back, count yourself blessed, and recognize you also earned it.
This last month has been one of nostalgia, regret, and healing. I remember a year ago, I remember how desperate I was, how much I knew I needed to change, my patterns of love had grown very toxic indeed. I was a toxic bloom, everything on the surface, ready to be popped. I remember meeting a priestess of Babalon, and a relationship that didn't work out and being told, "This elemental love work has left bruises on my heart, your wife's heart, and your heart. Will it be worth it?" I remember bad communication on my part, an unwillingness to really be open or intimate and my journey throughout this year to learn how to do that, how to really open up, how to be vulnerable, how to be honest despite the fear. Honesty with others, but most importantly honesty with myself about my desires, my fears, and what has motivated so many of my choices.
I remember other situations, other people, all the lies I told to myself, ripped away. And I remember a couple nights with Lupa, where I really opened up, where I told her things I had not told her or anyone else. I remember being honest with her in a way I have never been with anyone, and despite my fears, despite the ingrained responses and reactions that said to just hold it all in, to protect myself by never saying a thing...I spoke...I told her, I laid myself out and let her see the real me. And she accepted me...she showed me LOVE, even as Babalon has Shown me LOVE.
A couple weeks ago, I felt the weight of these regrets...My mind wandered through the past year, through the lessons earned, the people touched, the bruises left, especially the bruise in myself. And I felt Babalon stir beside me. She gave me a gentle look and parted the folds of my flesh, to the heart underneath, and instead of seizing it in her hand as she often has, she gently touched it, touched the bruise of my regrets, and she said,
"It's time to let this go. You've learned what you needed to from this. Let it go, so you can move on and let other people into your life and into your love when you're ready. You've learned the lessons I needed to teach you and I will always be here to remind you of them, and also support you as you continue your journey."
And she took those regrets away...the physical pain I felt in the hollow of my chest left me.
This last Monday, I was talking with Wes Unruh about language, magic, semiotics, and we got around to talking about Babalon and male magicians. He said that he didn't think a male magician came into his full power until he'd had an encounter with Babalon. He told me of his own experiences and mentioned that for about a year after his working with Babalon ended he had focused on the element of emptiness and on rebuilding himself...and I found great comfort in this, because it's another confirmation I made the right choices, and I'm on the right path.
I was asked earlier this year, if this elemental love work would be worth the bruises, and the pain. And my answer is yes. It is worth all the pain caused, all the pain felt. It is worth the pain I caused as well as the pain I felt. It's not that I wanted to cause that pain. It's not that I felt a secret delight. No...That pain is part of the process of life, of how you learn. I made mistakes, I came face to face with the reality of the effects of those mistakes. The regret I felt for the pain I caused was something that's haunted me for this last half year. And yet, that pain, for me, for them has the potential for growth. It's what we choose to make it...and so Babalon showed me I could let go, move on, heal...
Last year, I said to Lupa, I said to others, "All of the relationships I'm in now will be changed if I do this working." And everything changed for those relationships. Every single relationship I was involved in on a romantic level is now gone, accept the relationship with my wife, which has ended up stronger than ever before because we worked through our problems with each other and came to a deeper, more intimate relationship than any I've ever had, except for one. It's taken a lot of work and honesty on our parts, but here we stand together, stronger than ever...
And that one relationship which is deeper and more intimate...that's the relationship I have with myself. This year has forced me to know myself as I never did before, and this next year will take me even further, but I'm ready for that plunge. Babalon has shown me not just the truth of LOVE, but also that of Strength. The strength to forgive, the strength to let go, the strength to love, and the strength to learn. She showed me my strength, even as she took away all the delusions I'd told myself.
Babalon told me it would get harder before it got easier, and she was right. It got really hard somedays to wake up and face the reality of my motivations, my desires, my love or lack thereof. In April, when I walked around, desperately unhappy, desperate to fill something in me and instead walked home and told Lupa about my emptiness, about how empty I sometimes feel, that's when I started to really learn from this year's elemental working...that's when I came face to face with the underlying motivation for so much of my unhealthy behaviors. That's when I realized just how much my feeling of emptiness had so often motivated my choices to try and find something to fill it, instead of choosing to feel it. And now that I know that feeling...now I'm ready to accept it, to move into it and everything it has to teach me.
On Friday, I had some of my hair cut. Babalon spoke to me in a moment of shared love and lust, in a moment of ritual, a finishing touch. That night, Lupa massaged me, talked with me, reconnected with me about our love, about what we find so important and she cut my hair, part of my payment to Babalon. Below is a poem I wrote about Friday:
"You've still got to pay up
the last bit for this year
of companionship I gave you"
She told me.
Her long black hair framed her face,
cascading down her frame, hiding her body,
leaving only the oval of her face
her red eyes staring into mine
a doorway into the abyss
an invitation into Emptiness
As we fucked with wild abandon
her hands touched my long hair
and she said,
"Perhaps some of this...
Cut some of it for me and
also for the next element
Cut it as an offering
when you pass through
the gateway within me
and within you
The gateway to the heart of the universe"
As we came to crescendo,
She and I,
My goddess of desire,
her beast to ride,
I felt myself swallowed into her.
The joining of forces
Your principle joined to mine,
In combination we create
the alchemical wedding
Your sacrifice opens the gate
that your seed might be consumed
and you reborn
in my dark womb
Your potential realized
in the joining of everything and nothing."
Later my body massaged with hands
of gentle love and care,
my hair brushed out,
the scissors snap
some is taken away
"Taking a little, so a lot can grow back,
so you can realize your potential"
Caressed, loved, forgiven,
your hands know my body
I fall into the light of the quantum sea
out of reality, into everything
Everything I am
falling back to potential,
In her hands I lay,
in her womb I will be sacrificed
The gateway is open,
It's a promise of potential
"Your last price is paid,
Your coin is accepted
the gate is open,
fly free my love
When you come back
you will really know me
and my name.
And I whisper,
"Babalon, Great goddess,
Sacred whore, scarlet woman,
take me, take me, take my sacrifice
and show me the door to conjunctio,
show me the door to emptiness
zero and one, everything and none,
where potential awaits
to sculpt, to show, to provide
the pathway to the heart of the universe
to the silver webs of time,
and the purple halls of space"
And she rips away from me the last shred of illusion
Her hand caresses my cheek one last time,
her tears touch my face,
She kisses my lips one last time,
to steal my last breath
Great Babalon has destroyed me.
I'm free to arise.
Elemental Emptiness show me the way,
through the door
I am here, I am there
I am everywhere, everywhen,
all things and none,
a whisper on the wind,
the caress of a hand on your chin
all realities within my eyes,
I am reborn into emptiness...
I am reborn to realize my potential.
Today, Saturday, I finished the Love working. I went upstairs, with the painting of the seal of Babalon, The beast dagger, the candle with her visage gracing it. I lit the sacred candle in my temple. I dedicated two posters of the mythos of Babalon as told by Oryelle Defenestate-Bascule to Her. I burned a bit of my cut off hair in the flame of the candle. I cut her seal into my flesh, her name into my skin with the tip of the dagger, tracing so delicately upon my skin the imprint of this goddess...
I sang her praise, I thanked her for her gifts, and then I asked her to take me through the portal to emptiness. I fucked her one last time, giving her my seed and then I was taken in hand by the entity who represents emptiness...But that story will not be told until Tuesday, when the dedication ritual is finished.
Farewell Babalon, sacred Goddess and sacred whore, my lover and destroyer.
The lyric below is from the song Here's to You by Lisbeth Scott. I removed a couple words, that aren't relevant to me, to this year's working...but the lyrics of this song, the song itself is a fitting end to the love working and the beginning of the work on the element of Emptiness:
Here's to you...
Rest forever and ever...
The last and final moment is yours.
Agony's your triumph.
Here's to you,
Rest forever here in our hearts.
The last and final moment is yours.
Agony's your triumph.