4-21-15 In a conversation today with a business acquaintance, I had a realization. In some ways I have not been good at making the people in my life important. And what that really means is that I haven't always prioritized the people in my life in the right way. I've let my issues be more important and allowed them to take control of my life, instead of taking control of them. That realization is priceless, but what I do with it will be even more important. And this realization does give me a different outlook on a number of my choices and actions. It helps me see something I didn't see before, but now its time to do something with it.
4-22-15 In reflecting further on how I do or don't make the people in my life importance, I recognized that by stilling myself, and really being present, I'm opening myself to recognizing where I'm not showing up in the relationships of my life. Perfect example occurred last night, where Kat and I were trying to plan a trip and I was avoiding making decisions because I wanted her to decide. what she wanted was a mutual decision, something we agree upon together and that's something I'm not always good at. She was frustrated. This morning as I was driving to an event I realized how not making that decision really indicated to her that I didn't feel the trip was important. I had checked out instead of stepping up. So I began thinking about the trip and I came up with some ideas I shared with her later (better late than never). The result was that she sounded happier...I had made the trip and her important. And while I'm glad I recognized this, it made me realize I need to be more proactive. I need to make sure my priorities are in the right order, both in my life and with my relationships. Still I haven't ever thought about the relationships in my life in this way, so I guess this is a good start.
4-26-15 I've been reading and working through the Talking Tree by William Gray. In the sections on the Devil and Lovers Tarot cards as they relate to the paths on the Tree of Life, he makes some points that really stand out to me in relationship to my current struggles. I see that so much of my problem comes down to the unhealthy relationship I have with sex. The other night, in a conversation with a friend, the observation was made about how the abuse a person suffers with sex at someone else's hands can lead to a situation where one's own relationship with sex is abused. Gray makes some similar observations about how people misappropriate sexuality in an effort to create identity for themselves. Their focus is in the wrong direction, trying to establish their identity through the sexual relationships they have with people, instead of examining why they even need to to try and establish their identities in that way. That is part of my own work.
4-30-15 I'm reading Vocal Magick by Bill Duvendack. In it he discusses how thought forms can be created from behaviors and thoughts a person has that are repeatedly replicated and become an obsession for the person. I've come across this before, but I liked how he explained it and it helped me look at some of the work I'm doing from that angle of recognizing that certain behaviors, as thought forms, will fight to survive. I feel that some of what I've struggled with can be summed up in that way, and this helps me see where I need to do some of the work I'm in the process of doing. I'm going to do a ritual of release and see if that helps with this process.
5-4-15 I've been hitting deeper states of stillness through doing the Tsa Lung exercises in conjunction with Zhine, the sacred healing sounds and my Tumo practice. I feel like I'm fitting all these pieces together and hitting this deeper state, which is also providing me some ways to work energetically, emotionally, etc with the issues that have been coming up...and of course I think doing these exercises is also facilitating bringing up those issues, but I also think its worth it for the clarity its providing me.
5-7-15 When I feel certain patterns of behavior and thought come up, I've been still with them, observing them in a way I had never done before and contrasting them to new patterns of behavior and thought. I find this makes it easier to see what is and isn't working. Then it becomes a matter of making choices around what is important, what really matters, versus what is impulsive. I've also been doing some work around my relationship with writing and my sense of well-being. I told Kat, the other night, some of my frustrations around the writing and she grounded me by pointing out the other commitments I've made...I'm far busier than I ever was and I sometimes forget to appreciate that or consider perhaps the necessity of finding stillness for some of those commitments.
5-14-15 In some ways I think depression is the dark side of stillness...though that could just be an attribution on my part. But with depression, you don't really want to do much. You do what you have to do, but that's exhausting in and of itself. Anything more than that just seems like an uphill battle. You just want to curl in a ball and forget about anything else. I feel like that a lot right now with some of the different issues I'm working through.
5-15-15 To really work through any emotion you need to be with it, really with it...not just thinking about it, but actually feeling it. When you feel the emotion and are present with them fully it can be overwhelming but that gives way to release and from that release comes liberation.
5-19-15 The other day I took the above advice and actually applied it. Kat was telling me how she was feeling and I put myself into no-form and just soaked in the emotions behind the words so that I could empathize with where she was coming from and understand her perspective better. It was hard to do because I felt those emotions very keenly, to the point that I felt a weight on my stomach...yet doing it really helped me understand her. In the past I've often come up with rules of behavior, but not really understood her perspective and doing this I feel was a step in the right direction. Taking on no-form, becoming still allowed me to put aside my own dialogue and defensiveness to just be and become her perspective and experience.
5-21-15 As you continue to be still and work with what rises in you, what you discover is that it allows you to reach deeper states of altered consciousness and a higher level of awareness around possibilities. The less distraction there is, the more focused you get. I feel like the work I'm doing around what is coming up is helping me appreciate stillness in relationship to what moves in my life and at the same time question that movement and how it manifests in my life and if that is really what I want.
On the Magick of Thought Blog, Mike recently shared a post about the Danger of Popular Memes and Ancient Wisdom and how the blind acceptance of ideas and practices can cause the practitioner to avoid ask questions and critically examining what they are doing in order to improve it. In my own approach to magic, one of my rules is that the magician should be willing to consistently challenge his/her own beliefs about how magic works, or for that matter how anything else works. I've applied this rule to my own work and it's always helped me to stay sharp and never accept any explanation as a given. Test what you are told or what you tell yourself and keep testing it to see what you can change and/or improve upon.
