Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 16: Patience

sigil 1-22-16 Something I've been realizing the last week or so is that if I'm going to make all the changes I want to make to my respective businesses and also to me, I really need to give myself the time and space to do it. At the same time I've also got to take good care of myself. Today I was feeling a struggle between getting my exercise in and just working away on the projects I'm focused on and I realized I was falling into a scarcity trap. So I stopped myself, took a deep breath and looked at the scarcity trap for what it was and then decided to get my exercise in. Making that time is important because its what recharges me and gives me the fuel to put into the businesses. And this is stillness in action. Recognizing patterns of behavior that are holding me up, stopping to work through the obstructions and then continuing on to do what needs to be done.

1-26-16 I left the networking groups I was part of yesterday. I think it's a good move as I continue with the class work I'm doing through Thrill. I need the time to continue to shepherd my businesses through their evolution. Speaking of evolution, I've been continuing to swim fairly regularly and I'm enjoying it. When I'm swimming its moments of the physical experience with occasional flashes of thought, which usually end up pointing to something I can work through and dissolve. Today's was acknowledging a trait I find annoying in another person, yet I also sometimes exhibit. What we don't like about someone else is usually an indicator of what we don't like about ourselves (though not always). Mixed in with the ongoing stillness meditation, the swimming is proving quite helpful with the internal work.

1-27-16 Today in meditation I opened myself up to the feelings of fear and anxiety and fully became present with them. Feeling those emotions so raw wasn't easy. I felt my stomach knot up, but in sitting with them I was also able to go deeper into them and work with feelings of guilt and shame that were underlying the fear and anxiety. Fascinating how it all fits together. I'm still feeling it now as I write this, but I'm glad I'm open to the feeling because you can't do anything with it if you just bury it. And you can't do anything with it if you obsess over it. You just have to feel it, dissolve and continue on. I know what I'm feeling is because I'm making some good changes, but its natural to feel what I'm feeling as I work through those changes. so long as I keep it in perspective and use it to my advantage.

2-9-16 So there's a gap here where there were entries made, but due to website issues those entries are gone and unfortunately I can't remember everything I wrote. What I do remember is that in one of my recent meditations, Zadok visited and explained that one of the reasons I'm experiencing some trouble with my stillness meditation is because stillness does deal with change sometimes and learning how to handle that change while being present with stillness is one of the challenges. I found it to be helpful advice, because it is a reminder that you have to learn how to mediate forces you work with in various circumstances. Zadok doesn't visit a lot, so when he does I always pay attention.

On a different matter, I'm really grateful to my kids and the reason for that is because I learn a lot from them in our conversations. I've always felt that its important to keep an open mind, and to really stay open to learning from a variety of sources. I learn a lot from each of them, because while I may have more life experiences under my belt, it doesn't automatically those experiences trump their own. It just gives me a different perspective, but sometimes their perspective really helps me appreciate life from a different place. I'm glad they are a part of my life.

2-10-16 My friend Felix recently observed that I am much happier than I was in October. This is true. I made some choices that feel right to me and as a result I don't feel weighed down by being in circumstances where I'm supporting something I don't agree with. When you get rid of what you don't agree with, when you step away from circumstances that you know aren't right, it liberates you and allows you to focus on what really is important, what you really want to put your life and energy toward.

2-11-16 Today as I meditated, feelings of hate came up. There was a time in my life when hate and anger were what fueled my life. It's been a long time since that was the case, and today, in recognizing the emotion, I opened myself to it and just felt it. I didn't think about it. I felt the jagged, bitter sweet rush that simultaneously constricts you and also sets you afire. I felt it and I let it go. That's what stillness really brings...the ability to feel what you're feeling and to let it go, while you discover what's underneath. You feel that as well and you let it go. The attachments fade away and what you're left with is your energy, not focused on someone or something else, but focused on what's really important, which for me is living my life on my terms.

2-17-16 The last few days has been a trial of stillness. This website went down and I went to a resource who could fix it, but I had to wait and be still. Not easy, especially for a big trip, but the website is back and what being still in this case helped me with was not reacting to a situation beyond doing what I needed to get it under control. I let go of everything else and focused on figuring out a proactive future response and then focused on what I could do elsewhere. Still feels good to have the site back up where it belongs.

2-18-16 Something I've been realizing lately about people I don't like. I don't like people who have no substance or hide their depth behind a mirror sheen image designed to deflect people away from knowing them. Whether its the love and light mystic who doesn't own their own shit, or the shallow status seeking materialist who has to have the latest Apple phone and computer and whatever else, but has nothing substantive to offer to the world, I just don't like those people. I have no use for them, because frankly they're fakers who are too afraid to do the hard work of owning their own shit and working through their issues. They can create whatever image they want, but its just an illusion that they're using to hide from themselves, as much as anyone else, and any person with some real perception will see through them really quick.

2-20-16 At Convocation. It's been a good trip so far, with classes well attended, and the opportunity to meet new people, including one person who I hope will start up a new chapter of magical experiments. I'll follow up with her once I'm back home, but it would be good to have another group up and running and encouraging the kind of thinking and exploration we need in magical work. I've been continuing the stillness work and I find it to be very grounding, which is helpful. I miss Kat. It's interesting to realize just how essential a person is to your life, when you really allow them in.

Why process allows you to experiment with magic

process Earlier today (at the time of this writing) I was teaching a class on the process of magic and how the Tree of Life can be used as a model to explore a given magical process. One of the points I made in the class is how important it is to understand how magic works, and that when you have a process mapped out to describe what is happening, it also helps you figure out what isn't working, so that you can make adjustments accordingly. In fact, what a process ultimately provides you is the means to experiment with magic.

Why?

What a process does is describe how your magical working ought to work from beginning to end. It describes your desired result as well as the steps that need to be taken, what principles of magic you'll draw on and what tools, resources and powers that be you'll work with in order to achieve the result. That descriptive map also clues you in on how you can personalize and experiment with your working, so that if you want to do something that isn't traditional, you can still pull it off because the process helps you understand how the magic should work once you've done it.

Principles of Magic

I like to think of it as elegant magic because what it really does is helps you simplify the magical work and make it your own. And really that's how magic ought to be...simple, focused, and helping you achieve the result you want. I think that what usually makes it so complex for people has more to do with not having a process in place...or what I call push button magic, where so much is invested in doing magic a particular way because that's the way magic is being taught or that's the way its written about, or because the spell says it needs these components.

The problem with push button magic is that it doesn't encourage critical thinking or awareness or experimentation. It simply takes a prescriptive approach to magic and says this is the way you do it, often with little to no explanation for WHY you do it that way. Yet such an approach dulls the magic, because it doesn't set people up to discover what really works for them and will help them achieve the desired results they want.

A process approach to magic, on the other hand, is a descriptive approach that encourages experimentation with magic precisely because it encourages critical awareness and thinking about what you are doing and why you are doing it. It also encourages you to look at each step and ask yourself what you can do to make it work better.

Personally I like that approach to magic because it encourages innovation and experimentation and personalization of your magical work. You figure out what really works for you, why it works, and then you implement it. And if there is a problem, you go into your process and figure out what the problem is and then make the changes. No guess work involved, just a process that can be taken apart and put back together in a way that actually encourages the person to understand what is happening, in order to make it successful.

I've always found that experimenting with magic makes what I do with it work very effectively, because I understand what's happening. I understand what each step does and how it feeds into the working. I understand how the result will manifest and I know what to look for if something goes wrong.

After my class, I spoke with a person who found me and my website because of my writings about magic and sound. She told me that my process approach to magic gave her permission to experiment with the folk magic she was doing and use it in ways that it hadn't been used before. It allowed her to create new products that she couldn't find anywhere else, because she now had a process that she could use to describe what she was doing and implement that process with confidence. I thought that was cool, not the least because I don't really do anything with folk magic, but here was this person who does, who could take a process approach to it and achieve real results.

A process approach to magic can be applied to any type of magical practice. What it sets up for that magical practice is a method for exploring what is really happening in that practice, and then making modifications accordingly. It's the basis of experimentation. Map out what you have, then start experimenting with what you can change. It's beautiful and elegant.

Magical Experiments radio show: January 2016 shows

Because I'm changing how I write for this site, I've decided to create a blog post once a month with links to the latest episodes of magical experiments radio, as well as any interviews I've recently done. If you've missed a show or just want to listen to an episode again, here's the latest batch. Magical Experiments Radio: The Madness and Enlightenment of Spiritual Retreats

Magical Experiments Radio: Astrology and Magic

Magical Experiments Radio: Space/Time Magic

Magical Experiments Radio: Pop Culture Magic Panel on Role Playing games and magic

New Normal Radio interview: I was recently interviewed on the new normal. You can listen to it here.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 15: Respect

Stillness 12-24-15 Writing those two open letters to the Pagan convention organizers has taken a weight off of me that I've carried for a long time. I'm glad I did it, regardless of what happens as a result. My meditations this last week have been a little scattered, but that's usually the case when you're dealing with something on your mind. I've been continuing to read and work through Awakening the Luminous Mind and some of the focus has been on the mind being empty. In doing the stillness work I've had moments where I've achieved a state of deep stillness and awareness without conceptual thought...and other times I've just had thoughts and emotions buzzing away in my mind. When you do this kind of internal work, both experiences can be valuable for different reasons. The thoughts and emotions can be that pain identity that needs to be experienced letting you know its there and that deep stillness can be that rich state of connection to everything that has no obstruction or block in place and is sublime in its experience. Acceptance of both experiences is essential. Focusing on trying to reach one experiences creates an attachment that actually pushes you further away. In a sense you just have to be willing to go with the experience you've got in the moment and see where it leads you.

12-27-15 Today I sat with feelings of fear, resentment, and shame around money and specifically spending money when it comes to kids. In sitting with it, inevitably what came up was my own experiences as a kid being transferred onto the current situation. While its fair to say that a lot of my basic needs were met, what I did encounter was that if I wanted something, I needed to earn it (which I think is reasonable) but when I got it would often be taken from me shortly after, because I'd be grounded for whatever stupid reason was the latest one. I also learned to be very thrifty because I would be told we can't afford that, which has its good and bad sides. So here I was today sitting with these feelings that had come up and recognizing how much those feelings contribute to my issues around money. I'm always trying not to spend it on anything not essential (according to me) but conversely also sometimes spending it on me. It's a weird dynamic, a double standard really and I don't like that either. So I sat with these emotions today and just felt them as they dissolved into stillness and I'll keep working with them so that I can resolve these issues. I think it'll lead to an even better relationship with my wife and kids, and also money, because I'm certain that some of this is sabotaging all of the above relationships.

1-1-2016 I came up with a collage for 2016, based on the theme of Respect. The last few months have involved a process of starting to respect myself in ways I never had before. Not surprisingly, this also extends to respecting other people more. There have been occasions in my life where I'e loathed myself and once a while I still feel that way, like when I recognize how I've hurt someone important to me in my life. Yet I also have something different than what I had before, a sense of certainty about myself, a conscious holding of space that I've worked hard to establish. That holding of space is carrying me forward into the work around respect I'm doing.

1-2-16 I've been reading the Outlander series as my brain candy reading. It's a good series, but one thing which stands out to me is how jealousy and possessiveness are treated in a favorable light. I have experienced bother emotions and what I've come away with is how much they're attachments. I think it's natural to feel jealous or possessiveness, but if its unexamined, it can become a fixation, an obsession. At the same time, its worth noting that sometimes what a person wants is to feel like they have a place with someone else. Will this person keep me? Will this person be committed to me? Jealousy and possessiveness is a kind of response. What I've learned with my own experience is just how important it is to be present with what I'm feeling so that if I choose to do something I'm not just reacting, but really figuring out what's informing my feelings so I can come at the situation from the right place.

1-5-16 I feel so happy and excited, so alive with possibility. Part of this is because of the Thrill class I'm taking, which is already helping me make changes in how I run my businesses. I'm respecting myself in a way I never have before, but more than that I'm stepping boldly into my identity and making it part of who and what I offer to anyone who wants to work with me. I've already made just a few changes and one of my businesses is taking off in a way it never had before. This is going to be a year of change and transformation, but I've already invited that in with the King's ride and I plan to go a lot further, with my businesses and my magical practice. This is the year of Respect and I'm taking it all the way to the top!

1-6-16 Today I signed up with the local recreation center so I can use their swimming pool. Swimming is a low-impact exercise that'll be good for for my joints. The irony is I haven't liked swimming for a long time due to being forced to take swimming lessons and go the swimming pool everyday when I was 14...seems like an opportunity to do some internal work around that. Plus it'll help me get to a healthier place with my body. I feel like doing this will allow me to connect with another part of myself that needs some healing and respect...do something that challenges me to go deeper.

1-7-16 I went swimming today for the first time. I can really feel it in my body, after the fact, but I actually kind of did enjoy it. This is me taking swimming back for myself so I can enjoy it again.

1-9-16 I started reading Magic Simplified by Draja Mickaharic. One of the very first things he says that is that desire is the first step to Manifestation, but that the other steps are more important. In considering what he wrote, I agree. Desire is a start, but means nothing without additional steps. It's potential, but potential becomes nothing without doing something to provide it form. As always I find Draja's work insightful, in no small part because of how practical it really is and also how simple it is. Simplicity is elegance with anything.

1-12-16 Sometimes you get hit with a moment of realization and it hits you hard. for me it was looking at the schedules of several conventions and realizing that after this year I may not be back at those conventions. A moment of panic and fear rose up and then I stilled myself and asked myself what the consequences were and they really weren't that bad or significantly different than what I'm already dealing with. I suppose as well that one of the reasons I'm feeling this way is because I'm making some big changes in everything I'm doing and it's a little overwhelming. Yet I know the end result will be worth it, for my sense of respect and my overall success. Winds will rise, rain will fall, storms will blow...stay the course to what is true for you.

1-15-16 Even though I'm working with the element of stillness, it really doesn't feel that way this month. There's lots of movement going on and I'm ok with that...it just makes me realize how you can't be still forever...inevitably you'll be moved and you'll need to move...and discover balance with all of that. Something else I've realized. I am not a conformist and I should take that desire not to conform and infuse it in all of my businesses. When I do that, it's part of what makes me come to life.

1-19-16 I'm working through some feelings of anger right now. Anger at all the times I was told what I could do or couldn't do, who I could be or couldn't be. All the times someone tried to control me, what I learned was to bury my anger and at the same time use it to subvert the people trying to control me. I couldn't express my anger directly, so I sabotaged them in whatever way I could...and that pattern has stayed in my life, showing up in other relationships. I see it now and I own it. It's a pattern I no longer need to keep in my life. It makes me both sad and angry. Sad that this pattern has been in my life so long and angry that it even came about in the first place when it didn't need to be. I just needed them to believe in me, instead of trying to control me. I just needed to be accepted for who I am instead of having someone try and make me into someone I'm not. Why couldn't I just be good enough as I was.

1-21-16 Today I feel balanced and focused. This has been an odd month. There hasn't been a lot of stillness in it and I've struggled to find it and yet also have allowed myself to be carried along the changes I've prompted for myself. When I've found stillness, it's been when I've allowed myself to be carried by the movement. In that motion I have nonetheless become still and through that found clarity in all this change I'm causing.

 

How to turn Zero into your spiritual ally and secret weapon

Last week I posted a video on how to work with Zero as a principle of space/time magic. However Zero is more than just a principle of space/time magic. Zero is a state of being. And Zero is a process. Zero is razor edged. It'll slice you up if you're not careful, and sometimes even if you are...

So why would you want to work with Zero?

Here's a secret you won't find in most books on magic. What makes magic work is what you put into it. All those spells you read about, with the incense, candles, etc....you know they only really work if you're willing to give yourself to what you're working with. And by giving yourself I mean putting something of yourself into the working to make it happen. If you hold back in some way, well that's when magic doesn't work. And Zero can teach you that because zero is infinite possibility, but more importantly Zero is a state of being that requires an investment of sorts from someone who works with it to turn it from one state of being into a different state of being.

With Zero what you have is a fundamental departure from the normal boundaries of space and time. As I explain in my Space/Time Foundations course (The next round is starting February 17th), the invocation of Zero puts you outside of linear time and space and as a result allows you to work with the infinite possibilities contained within it. But the infinite possibilities are seductive and its easy to get caught up in the lure of those possibilities without actually doing anything. The present themselves before you and can suck you right into them. Your challenge as a magician is to make a choice to turn the Possibilities of Zero into the Manifestation of One.

You have to learn to work with Zero first. Zero can come in many forms. It can be invoked through sound or experienced as a meditative state of stillness or brought about through pushing your limits so that you reach a place of sublime perfection where everything is crystalline clear and perfect, making sense in a way that defies description and yet nonetheless comes together seamlessly. That's the temptation and brilliance of Zero. Yet for Zero to become something more than just possibility, it relies on something essential that it lacks.

Zero

What does Zero need?

You and the principle of embodiment you represent. Actually that's true of the spirits in general. The reason they work with us (another secret you won't find in most books on magic) is because what we offer is a taste of the manifested world when we invest ourselves in the work we do with them. You can't turn a possibility into reality without a means of embodying that possibility and so the magician must act as the agent of embodiment. What the embodiment does is limit the possibility into tangible reality, something to be experienced in the linear space and time we are all part of.

With Zero you experience the infinite possibilities as a stream of consciousness, a flow of experience that allows you to open yourself to what could be. Then you pick what you need from what could be and you bring that into yourself and provide it the embodiment, the manifestation it needs to be more than just a possibility. Pretty amazing really.

You must have discipline to turn Zero into One, to turn away from the sublime perfection of entropy you experience and limit it into something you can work with in the reality of life. You give of yourself by choosing the possibility, because at that you've committed to it and made it part of your experience. That's really how magic works in general. It's so simple and yet so often people make it more complex. They add in lots of tedious details that keep you from really experiencing magic. And don't get me wrong those details can be helpful, but more often than not they end up becoming a distraction.

Zero can change that for you, become your spiritual ally and secret weapon where you strip away everything that isn't needed and get back to the pure simplicity of simply investing yourself in what you want to turn into a possibility. What Zero wants is that investment. You want it to, or you wouldn't be practicing magic. What Zero can do is show you how to make that investment by turning it into the 1 of manifestation and building from there.

Magical Experiments Radio: What is Inner Alchemy with Vincent Piazza

Magical Experiments Radio: The Mysteries of Avalon with Annwyn Avalon Obermeyer

Magical Experiments Radio: What is Atheo-Paganism with John Halstead

Magical Experiments Radio: Pop Culture Magic Panel with Terra Ahkert and Samantha Chaney

Book Review: Captain Z-Ro's Indispensable Book of Days by Bill Whitcomb

If you're a SF geek or a Fantasy nerd or a pop culture magician, this book is an indispensable resource for you. The author has put together a calendar/book of notable in SF/Fantasy as well as some other interesting finds within the book that you'll enjoy. This book made me smile a number of times and is one I recommend for the fantasy and SF geek in your home.

Book Review: Language Intelligence: Lessons on Persuasion from Jesus, Shakespeare, Lincoln, and Lady Gaga by Joseph Romm

If you are a writer or a presenter or someone just interested in understanding how language works, this book is a must read. In this book the author shares the rhetorical strategies of politicians and entertainers and show how these strategies are used to get fans, persuade people to causes, and otherwise influence how we think about the issues in our world. Reading this book was eye-opening for me and has helped change how I write as a result. If you want to become a better writer then read this book and keep it as a resource to draw on in your work.

The next round of the Process of Magic starts in 2 weeks!

The next round of the process of magic class starts in 2 weeks.

Magic is a process that changes you and your relationship with the world, if you understand how the process works.

In this 24 lesson class, we will explore what the process of magic is and how the principles of magic apply to you and the world around you. If you're tired of 101 books that say the same thing, but never teach you magic, or tired of the spell books that never explain how or why magic works this class is for you. If you want to understand how magic works, and how you can personalize it to fit your needs, this class is for you. You will learn how to:

  • Develop your own definition of magic and make it work.
  • Learn how magic works and what you can change to make it work consistently for you.
  • Personalize your magical system to improve its efficacy in your life.
  • Understand how to fix mistakes in your magical workings.
  • Achieve a deeper understanding of magic and its place in your life.

Whether you are just learning about magic or have been practicing for years the Process of Magic course focuses on what really matters: Learning how to use magic to proactively improve your life. In fact, you'll learn how to make magic part of your daily life in a way that actually enhances your life.

 

When you take the Process of Magic Correspondence course you get the following Benefits:

  • A comprehensive understanding of how magic works
  • Increased confidence in your magical workings.
  • Higher success rates in your magical work, as well as how to troubleshoot your magical workings
  • Connect the principles of this class to any magical tradition you are part of.
  • Deepen your relationship with magic as a force for change in your life.

Who should attend this class?

This class is for Pagans and Magicians who are serious about improving their magical expertise and who want to understand how magic works from a practical perspective. If you want more than just 101 books or spell books, this class is for you.

When does this class meet?

This class is a correspondence course, which means that I'll mail lessons to you each week.

About the Teacher

Hi, I’m Taylor Ellwood, mad scientist and magical experimenter. I love magic and I love teaching people how to apply it to their lives.

Learn more about Taylor

Bonuses

When you take this class, you get the following bonuses:

  • Access to an online private forum that is specifically for this class.
  • Free Teleconferences every other month to discuss the material directly with me!
  • Free MP3 Recordings of conferences.
  • A Free E-book copy of Creating Magical Entities.
  • Two bonus lessons.

How to Register

The investment for this class is $100. If you've been wanting to understand how magic works or how you can achieve more effective results, this class is for you.

An Example of the work people do through this class

Shauna Aura Knight has posted about her definition of magic, as a result of taking this class. Reading them will give you an idea of some of the work we do in this class:

Entry 1

Entry 2

Entry 3

More Testimonials

I have been reading and experimenting with magic and the occult for over five years and it seemed like I was going off in too many directions, without a map to guide me. I felt like I was spinning my wheels. This course helped me focus, without tying me into any particular Religion or belief system. If you are looking for a course that builds a foundation for your understanding and practice of Magic, this is the one!
This course has been amazing and I truly value your knowledge, experience and writing ability. I also like the fact that you are innovative and creative in your approach and take a progressive view of magic and are not mired down in some conservative tradition or other. You are on the “cutting edge” of magic and I am sincerely grateful to have the opportunity to take courses from you! Last but not least, you are ethical, conscientious and relate very well to your students.
Testimonial from G. Marlett
By describing the process of magic(k) rituals, Taylor Ellwood taught me how to enhance my work. He taught me how to analyze and improve some rituals I had made, how to apply proved techniques to experimental rituals for internal magic and how pop culture can also be useful for creating pantheons more in relation to oneself. After this class my rituals have been really effective, and I started to think of magic as a means for transforming myself to get the best out of my environment. Highly recommendable class, I'm really happy I took it.
Testimonial from Ivan Marquez

I'm really enjoying your class.  Especially helpful was how you showed the Tarot as offering up possibilities instead of viewing the cards in a rigid way.  I'm also working with the element of Earth for a year.  What I'm really finding from your class is that magic works.  You can't believe how many doors have started opening up for me that were right under my nose.

Testimonial from T. Vorster

I decided to take Taylor Ellwood's Process of Magic class after many years of magical practice and study as a way to reboot my work. I've been involved with a few traditions but have generally been very eclectic in my approach. In my view eclecticism is a strength if you can find a way to synthesize all of those disparate takes on the magical path. Taylor has stripped away most of the window dressings associated with magic. Instead of focusing on style and aesthetics he focuses on the roots of practice and the processes underlying them. For those who are already involved in magic but are wondering how to weave together the rich variety of strands available to us in the 21st century, examining the processes that underly all magic, no matter the flavor, is an excellent place to start. For newcomers and beginners this course will help you quickly move beyond the 101 stage and help you start getting your hands dirty with practical magic.

Testimonial from Justin Patrick Moore

I decided to take this course for I was searching for a way to synthesize various magical influences I have experienced over the years in my magical journey. Now I am in the middle of the course, still doing Lesson 9, but I already have learned far more than what I  expected from a single course. The course material is written in a clear style and there are no vague mystifications often found in magical texts. In the beginning the students are encouraged to examine all the elements of their magical practice. Taylor helps you to fully recognize your own definitions and mechanics of Magic that no other books or any other materials could not succeed to address. Then you will be introduced to ways to examine magical links and basis of altered states of consciousness for successful operations. One of greatest points in this course is you can have benefit from it no matter what your magical background is. It is perfectly designed to focus on core workings of Magic, so any person who has interest in any forms of magical practices will found it to be easily applicable to their own daily practice. This course is not just a correspondence course. You also have live interaction with Taylor. In such process you can share what you have found in your practice with him and people of same interest and you can have feedbacks that will lead you to deeper understanding of Magic. I truly recommend this course to anyone, novices and experts alike.

Testimonial from Yutaka Furuki

The Process of Magic was very helpful. Before the class, I had a mish-mash of ideas about how magic did and didn’t work. The course helped me to see the relationships between components and outside forces of magic in a way that made them make far more sense to me, so I could get better results from my workings. I highly recommend for a newbie or for someone like me who wants to create a firm foundation to build a practice on.

Testimonial from David Kaiser

The Process of Magic class really helped me to define what magic is to me and why I was sometimes having a difficult time getting results - and helped me to understand why I got results when I did! The classes lead to some very introspective, and sometimes uncomfortable, moments; but it has helped me to become a better, more aware, magician. The addition of the in-person teleclasses adds a very useful dimension to talk through any concerns and challenges with Taylor and my fellow students. I'd recommend this class to anyone who is interested in doing effective magic.

Testimonial from Victoria aka Leona Oigheag

Insightful class that I wish I had taken way earlier in my journeys. Thanks for teaching it, Taylor.

Testimonial from Kelli Carner

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Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 14: Shame and Respect

Eligos 11-25-15  Yesterday I finished writing all the changes to the magical experiments site (for now). It's funny that even in taking a retreat from writing, I'm still writing...just not writing for anyone else. Taking this retreat has been good for me though, because how I write for other people will change as a result of taking it. I value my writing and myself enough to make that change and whether anyone else appreciates that or not is a moot point I suppose. What matters is that I'm respecting myself as an artist and author.

11-29-15 Tomorrow's the last day of the retreat. It's been a good experience for me to just slow down and take stock of who I am and how that's showing up in my life. I'll admit I find it a bit ironic that I actually did a fair amount of writing during this retreat, but it wasn't writing for other people...it was writing for my businesses and me. Eligos has really been helpful through this and I plan on doing a lot more work with him as a result. He's become part of the pantheon of my life.

12-1-15 Part of my realizations around shame and respect has to do with the fact that I've compared myself to other people doing what I do. I don't think the comparison is really helpful. It has a shame component built into it I ask myself why do I even do it and inevitably what I come back to is that I'm a fairly competitive person, but also that so much of that comparison comes down to wanting to fuck with authority figures. Take that back further and that wanting to fuck with authority figures goes all the way back to childhood and wanting to feel empowered in a situation where I didn't have any power and so now that's displaced onto this comparison thing and there's shame mixed in because part of me is saying, "Well you must not be good enough, if these people are doing what you do so much better than you." It sucks and I feel this choking feeling. But I just need to sit with it, forget the comparison and the desire to fuck with authority which really has nothing to do with these people and just sit with the feeling of shame and let it unfold. It's so hard to do, yet I need to do it so much if I ever really want to shine.

I'm not respecting myself if I choose to do something because someone else is doing it. Anything I do needs to come from a place of genuine respect for myself. What I offer will be better for it, for myself, and the people wanting what is offered.

12-2-15 Today I invoked Abrimel and Ponclast (part of Dehara) to help me work through the competitive shame I was feeling. I let myself feel the emotion in my body. I found that it was rooted in my belly and it gave me some insight into how I eat...that eating in some ways is a response, a way to feel good and yet really to bury the emotions in my stomach that I don't want to feel. I was always told as a young kid that I was a good eater, one of the only compliments I ever got. Some food for thought with that one. Anyway Abrimel and Ponclast just helped me to hold space with what I was feeling. As I dove into the feeling of shame around my competitiveness I felt that pain rise up and at the same time unravel, revealing various memories and experiences I'd had. I felt tears running down my face as I heard that phrase, "You're a disappointment." I saw/experienced my own response, my determination to do my own thing and to undermine this person who saw fit to judge me for my choices. And at the same time I felt the rage and shame just set me up to do things in a harder way than I needed to. I stayed and felt this shame for a while. I'll revisit it tomorrow, sit with it, embrace it and then let it go.

12-6-15 As I meditated today, I ended up working with shame in regards to wanting to be noticed, which certainly plays a role in my competitive nature. When I grew up I was neglected by my dad and step-mom unless I did something bad at which point I was told what a disappointment I was and grounded and sometimes punished in other ways. Even if I was doing an activity such as chorus, I was told it wasn't good enough and why was I wasting time doing an activity like that as opposed to playing some sport or another. Later in my teenage years this same feeling came up in relationship to my "peers" and how popular or unpopular a person was. To me, getting noticed has played a simultaneous role of either not being good enough or being valued for something by someone. There's a lot shame there and I realize part of it is based on the lack of self-esteem and respect I've had for myself because I wasn't good enough...or I needed someone else's approval to be good enough. I'm done with that. I don't need someone else's approval to be good enough. What I need is to respect myself and be shameless about what I love doing. And if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, that's fine, but I don't need their approval to do what I wish to do.

12-7-15 Today I meditated on how insignificant I feel. It was prompted by seeing the schedule of another author the other day and seeing how many events this person is presenting at. Instantly competitive jealousy unsheathed its claws and  I sat with it some last night as I was telling Kat about it. Today I sat with it further and I realized that I feel insignificant and part of being noticed is feeling significant, feeling like what I'm doing actually matters. What if it doesn't? I felt so small. Yet who was making me feel small? Me. No one else. Just me and my inner demons. I can let them do that or I can do something about it. I suppose that's what all this work is about. I'm doing something about it. Feeling insignificant is hard, especially when you sit with it, but so is sitting with any of the things I've been sitting with. You sit with it, open yourself to the experience, open yourself to the pain identity and it hurts and yet you see how it's defined your behavior and actions, defined your identity and so it becomes a question of whether you want that to continue being your identity or if you want to liberate yourself from that identity. I choose the latter.

12-11-15 Sometimes you do so much internal work that you become that work. It's another form of pain identity. Yes the internal work is important, but you've got to balance it with practical work as well.

12-16-15 The last few days have been really good for me. Kat and I had a long talk about my feelings of competitive jealousy and she helped me see just how much I was giving my energy to the people I'd been feeling jealous of. When you become a hater, you become that person's servant. You hate them for it, but you serve them because you're focused on them and their activities. Letting that go is another form of embracing shamelessness about who I am because I'm not letting me identity be defined any further by someone else.

I've also been doing some further thinking about how I write. I'm recognizing that I need to incorporate story and mythology into my writing. I've been studying how this other person writes, who I'll be taking a class from and trying my own version of viral writing out and each time I'm learning something from the writing and also from what she does.  I'm excited about the possibilities for my business and look forward to seeing what else I can do.

12-20-15 Today and yesterday I rolled the dice and called out issues I have with the Pagan convention circuit. Pretty much since the beginning I've had issues with how things are run, but I always held back from saying anything because I didn't want rock the boat or for other reasons. I'll admit I'm a bit anxious about doing it, but all this work around shame and respect has made it clear to me that I need to stop holding myself back. I may not always like the consequences, but if I do nothing I'll like that result even less. I know there will be some people who don't like what I have to say, but when has that ever not been the case? Genuine change doesn't occur without risk and so I'll take the risk and adapt to whatever results occur, knowing I can live with myself as a result.

12-21-15 I didn't sleep much last night. Writing those two posts and sitting with the resultant anxiety wasn't easy. At some point Kat woke up and noticed my restlessness and I told her my fears...that I might alienate some fellow presenters I know, that I might never present again and she told me that taking my stand was what I needed to do and that she'd seen the numerous times I'd felt frustrated with the inequities I'd observed. She told me that yeah I'd taken a stand and maybe as a result I wouldn't be at other conventions, but that I'd find a way to succeed and that I had already made the choice not to be at those conventions anyway so what was I really worried about? And she's right. I will find a way to succeed. I couldn't continue to just participate in a system I didn't agree with and while I recognize that perhaps what I'm calling for is asking for a lot, I also think if nothing is ever said, nothing is ever changed. If the result, for me, is that I'm blacklisted, I can accept that as the price for pushing for some much needed change.

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A Second Open Letter to Pagan Convention Organizers

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In my previous open letter to Pagan Convention Organizers I made a commitment that I would no longer present at an event where it was expected that I would pay to present. I also made a request for transparency on the part of the Pagan convention organizers on how they select their guests of honor. I am an author with a small publisher, Immanion Press. I also am the managing non-fiction editor of Immanion Press. I have been a guest of honor and featured presenter in the past at a couple of Pagan conventions. However I had to approach those events and ask if it was possible to become a guest of honor or a featured presenter. So far as I can tell the opposite is usually true. The event approaches the presenter and tells them they are a guest of honor or featured presenter, and more often than not the presenter is with a big publisher.

Here's why I want transparency from you

Each year you select who the guests of honor are at your event, but you don't tell us how it happens. It's treated as a secret and it's time for the secrets to come out. I have queried different conventions about how they select their guests of honor and I usually don't get answers, but what I do notice is that the majority of the guests of honor are with big publishers. I also notice that in some cases you see the same guests of honor each year or every other year at the convention. It's like a revolving door which is accessible only to those presenters. The rest of us are pretty much ignored.

Now we'd like to know what your decision making process is for selecting guests of honor and comping them as well as why you only stick with certain guests of honor. Let us presenters know (and the Pagan community at large) what your process is for selection so that there's no esoteric mystery here. We have plenty enough of those in our spiritual practices.

I know that in some cases, publishers play a role in this process. A fellow presenter recently me that they were selected as a guest of honor for an event in March because their publisher sponsored that event. In other words, the publisher paid to have them become a guest of honor for that event. On the sponsor page of that event, there's nothing mentioned about guests of honor being included in the sponsor package. There's no transparency about how the guests of honor are selected or what criteria is used and because of that lack of transparency, what's created is a system where certain presenters are given priority over others by virtue of who/what they are connected to as opposed to what they bring to the convention (and don't get me wrong these presenters are talented and have a lot to offer...but so do others who aren't getting those benefits). I have a problem with that.

What we have here is a form of Nepotism

In the classic sense of the word nepotism refers to favors being granted to family members by other family members. For example, your uncle is a cardinal in the Catholic church and suddenly your granted lands because he uses his position to pull some strings and get you that land. You got that land because you were related to your Uncle and that's the only reason you got it.

Obviously in the case of conventions we don't have related people pulling strings for each other (so far as I know). But nonetheless something is happening where certain presenters are given priority over others and there's little to no explanation provided for why that is. That lack of transparency creates a dirty secret and most of the convention goers don't question it because they're not involved. They're attending the event and that's it but if you're a presenter you need to question it and demand accountability on the part of the organization.

This nepotism isn't always so blatant. There's a certain convention that occurs every February. At that convention most of the presenters aren't comped, but there's a dirty secret they won't tell you: A few of the presenters are! They aren't labeled as guests of honor, and its all kept very hush hush and swept under the rug, but nonetheless they are comped with flights and hotel rooms and why? Apparently because they're friends with the original organizer or because that was how the organizer got them to present in the early days of the convention. The convention is so big the policy has changed for other presenters, but these presenters still get comped when they come present. And if that's not problematic and indicative of the inequity that occurs with this system, I don't know what is.

What I want from Pagan Convention Organizers

I want you to be transparent about how you select guests of honor and featured presenters and what criteria is used for that selection and I want it written on the website of the convention where any presenter can see it.

If your expectation is that a publisher needs to sponsor your event in order to have a guest of honor into your event, then put that on the page so that we can at least query our publishers to do something (but also keep in mind smaller publishers don't have the same resources the big publishers have).

If your standard for a guest of honor or featured presenter is that they have public/national recognition and impact on the community, define what that actually looks likes so that if we contact you we can present proof to that effect and/or so that we can tailor our activities toward fulfilling those criteria.

Whatever your criteria is, I want you to put it on your convention website for all to see, so that we actually know what you're looking for. Let's stop playing guessing games here and get transparent so that all presenters have the opportunity to become a guest of honor or featured presenter.

I also want you to have consistent standards in terms of how guests of honor and featured presenters are comped. Tell us what a guest of honor actually gets or featured presenter actually gets in return for their contribution. And make sure its the same across the board. If there are choices then tell us what those choices are and make it so that the choices are still equitable across the board. I know this may seem like a lot to ask, but really we're just asking for some consistency and transparency.

And if you insist that presenters have to pay to present, then make that standard apply to all presenters no matter how famous or well known they are. Treat all of us equally.

And to be clear there are a few conventions that do this process right, but only a few. It's time to change that and I'm calling on you to change it.

What I want from Presenters

If you're a presenter, I want you to share this post and the previous one I wrote on your social media accounts and with the Pagan Convention Organizers you know.

I want you to write about your concerns as a presenter as well and make your voice be heard. The changes I'm calling for will not happen unless the convention organizers see we are a united front on this matter and consequently recognize they have no choice but to make changes to how they are running events.

Consider the possibility that in order to make some of these changes, we may need to boycott conventions. Remember they need us to present in order to get people in the door and while its true that other people might step up and do that in our place, if we are willing to show that we will boycott events due to the inequity in the system, we will also show we can impact their bottom line. If there are no presenters, it's a lot harder to have an event.

If you're one of the authors who's regularly a guest of honor at conventions, I want you to advocate for the authors/presenters who aren't getting that opportunity. And if you attend a certain convention that insists that presenters pay to present and you get comped, I want you to speak to the original organizer and tell that person that a change needs to happen and that it's not fair that you get comped while other presenters aren't. I know I'm asking a lot from those of you who get the benefits, but can you really justify to yourself getting those benefits while other presenters don't, especially when in some cases those presenters have written as much if not more books then you? I hope your answer is no you can't justify it and that you want equal treatment for all presenters regardless of who they are published with.

A final thought

I do love conventions. I love presenting at them. And I realize in writing this post and the previous one I may very well deal with consequences that include being banned from presenting at conventions. I'm willing to take that risk because I'm tired of seeing the current systems in place when it comes to how presenters are treated. I'm tired of seeing some people get opportunities on a regular basis and other people rarely if ever get those opportunities. It may not make me very popular with convention organizers, but I can live with that. If we presenters do not advocate for change, we will not get the change we deserve and we will not get the respect we deserve.

And convention organizers I realize that most conventions are non-profits, but regardless of whether its a business or not there needs to be consistency across the board when it comes to how presenters are treated.

 

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An open letter to Pagan Convention Organizers

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In my pursuit of self-respect, one of the realizations I've been having is that how I allow my work and myself to be treated professionally is indicative of the respect I'm giving to myself. And if I don't set standards and boundaries for that treatment then I'll get walked all over. That has happened during my journey as a Pagan/occult author, and so I've come to a decision that I'm holding myself to and I'm telling all of you about, because in telling you I'm making a commitment to myself and to all the people who like my work that I will treat my work and myself with the respect I deserve and expect that respect in regards to professional appearances that I do. I do this for myself and my fans, because I am always a better presenter when I am given my due.

My commitment is this: I will no longer present at conferences where it is expected that I will foot the bill to come and present workshops. I will no longer pay to present at a conference. What that really means is that I'm not going to pay registration and airfare and hotel and food to present workshops for your event and help get people in the door for your event. If a conference wants me to present then they need to offer something to me and not just free registration or a discount on registration. They need to show respect and help out with the costs. What that means is registration covered for the presenter, and at the least helping to cover travel expenses. And if you want to modernize like other conventions out there and actually pay your presenters, I'm sure all of us will be happy about that as well.

Why?

Because when I am a presenter at your event, I am marketing your event on my website, in my newsletters, and on my podcast. I'm marketing the fact that I'll be there, but I'm also promoting the event, which means you will get more people in the door because of my marketing. I'm doing that as a courtesy to your event, but also as a way to support it and who I'm marketing it to is all my readers and followers and anyone they share my work with, which means your event has the potential to get more people in the door.

I get that a conference isn't a non-profit, but you know what? Neither am I. Presenting workshops and selling my books is part of how I make my living and when I'm expected to shell out money to come present at your conference, the math doesn't add up in my favor. I'm usually in the red or I break even and that doesn't work for me as an author or presenter. I know you want to make money so you can put the event on again next year and so do I so I can continue to go to events, write, and do all the other fantastic things I'm doing.

It also tells me that the people putting on the conference don't respect my contribution. Perhaps they have an attitude or belief that they don't really need a presenter, but if you alienate enough presenters or we just get fed up enough to boycott your event, that changes things, because guess what? You do need us. Presenters help draw people to events. People look at programming to see who is presenting and what is being presented on and then they decide if they'll go. If enough presenters decide not to present at your event, your business model will be in the red as well.

In the past I have paid for air fare, hotel rooms, food, and registration to present at events (That can be between $700 and $1000 per event). I've done this for the dubious promise of exposure...but exposure doesn't pay the bills. And while I appreciate the opportunity to present to people, I also know there are other ways to get in front of those people that has little to no overhead for me. If you aren't willing to honor my contribution to your event, why should I honor your event and help you get more people in the door with my name?

The only exception I'll make to this expectation of mine is for local events and that's because my costs are low and I know the event can draw more people by bringing presenters in who aren't local, so I want to support that. (By local I mean an event that's only a half hour away in travel time and where I can choose to say in my home and not pay hotel or food costs)

If I am flying to your event or driving a fair amount, then you need to find a way to cover some if not all of the costs because what you're getting return is my name, my brand, and my marketing, free of charge, to help you turn your conference into a successful one.

And please stop making authors from the big publishers your only guests of honor or having the same authors year in and year out as your guests of honor. Not all of us authors and presenters are with big publishers or want to be and we have some excellent material that your convention attendees will enjoy (I know this because my presentations are regularly overflowing and I can attest to that for other authors who aren't published by the big publishers). Granted once in a great while you do make an author who isn't with a big publisher your guest of honor, but its few and far between. Let's level that playing field. Be transparent about how you select guests of honor, so all of us know how it works and get a chance.

I have three events I'll be presenting at in 2016. I've made that commitment so I'll be at those events, but after that I'm not presenting at an event where at least some of my costs (beyond registration) aren't covered. I'm worth that. So are the other authors that come and present at your events and aren't comped. And if as a result I don't get into so many events, I can live with that, because there are other ways to reach my audience. I would love to be at your event, so show me some love in return and we'll make it great.

Edited: I've since written a second open letter to Pagan Convention Organizers which can be found here.