What you do with the signal transforms your relationship with your desire
Desire and shame often play with each other in a dance that at times seems coquettish and at other times can feel maddening. You want what you want, but shame rears up and says “No, you don’t actually want that!” You listen, back down, but then desire throws a curve ball that has you chasing after it like you were a dog. Then Shame shows up again and sprays you with water.
It seems to be an endless cycle and it can play out in your magical practice in both subtle and obvious ways. Over the last two weeks we have shared articles exploring the topic of intention and what happens when you aren’t clear with your intention in your magic and your life.
Shame can be an underlying experience and emotion that gets in the way of your desires. Usually, the feeling of shame is inherited from your family or society, although sometimes it also shows up based on how you really feel about yourself in the moment. Shame has a purpose. A lot of people get weird about shame, but that’s because our relationship with it is one of avoidance.
Shame and guilt are two different experiences. Shame is identity-based, while guilt is action-based. When you feel shame you feel bad about who you are. When you feel guilt you feel bad about an action you’ve taken.
One is an ontological experience and the other is based in a momentary experience you are having. Shame is the more powerful experience because of how it is rooted in our bodies and embedded in our psyche. It likely doesn’t help that shame is used to indoctrinate and enforce preferred patterns of conformative behavior that can undermine your magical workings.
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Magic is transgressive
It breaks conformative reality by offering you the opportunity to turn your desires into reality. And conformative reality doesn’t support this. It uses shame as a lever. When you’re working your magic and a sense of shame comes in, its because your ontological reality is set to resist your desire. You want your desire and yet the shame you feel pushes back against it.
Until you deal with the somatic experience of your shame, it will continue to undermine your magical work and results. It’s working on the identity level and most magical spells and workings focus on the persona level, trying to change through will and doing, instead of through being and meaning.
Being and meaning is where the change really needs to occur. The majority of spell work focuses on changing the world around you, but without going inward and changing your identity, all that spell work really does is set you up for short term results that don’t stay with you. You have acted on your desire, but what you haven’t done is address the shame that is at the root of the desire, waiting to rear up.
Your inner world needs to match the reality you’re seeking to create for yourself. One of the ways you do that is through establishing clear intentions about what you really want, without apologizing for it or trying to get the good opinions of other people to agree with your choices. Usually, when we feel shame its because we’re trying to measure up to who someone else thinks we should be or what society says we should be. We clear the shame away when we enter into a relationship with it where we co-opt it to work for us.
The Shame Compass Exercise
Most people treat shame like an obstacle. Instead, treat it like a compass. Shame often appears at the edge of the life you actually want to live. Rather than asking, “How do I get rid of this shame?” ask a different question:
“What desire is this shame trying to keep me from admitting?”
Take out a journal and draw three columns.
Column One: The Desire
Write down five things you genuinely want.
Don’t censor yourself. Don’t worry about whether they’re realistic, spiritual enough, or acceptable.
Simply write:
I desire...
Allow yourself to be embarrassingly honest.
Column Two: The Voice of Shame
Next to each desire, write every objection that immediately appears.
Examples might include:
That’s selfish.
People will think I’m weird.
Good people don’t want that.
You’re too old.
You’re not worthy.
What if everyone rejects you?
You’ll disappoint your family.
That’s not what a magician should focus on.
Don’t argue with these statements. Simply let the voice speak.
Column Three: The Origin
For every shame statement ask:
Whose voice is this?
Don’t overthink it.
Was it:
A parent?
A religious belief?
A former partner?
School?
Society?
An online community?
A magical tradition?
Something you concluded after being hurt?
If you can’t identify the source, simply write: Unknown.
The point isn’t certainty. The point is discovering that many of these voices didn’t originate with you.
Embodied Reflection
Now close your journal and take several slow breaths.
Choose one desire from your list.
Place one hand on your chest and one on your abdomen.
Say aloud:
“This desire belongs to me.”
Notice what happens in your body.
Do your shoulders tighten?
Does your stomach contract?
Does your breathing change?
Rather than trying to relax those sensations, simply become curious about them.
Then ask:
“What would my body feel like if I no longer needed permission to want this?”
Notice whether your posture, breathing, or emotional state shifts.
Magical Integration
Now rewrite the desire as an intention.
Instead of
“I want people to approve of this.”
try:
“I choose to become someone who naturally lives this desire.”
Before performing any spell related to this intention, read this statement aloud. If shame arises during the working, don’t treat it as a sign you’ve failed.
Treat it as confirmation that you’ve reached the boundary between the identity you’ve inherited and the identity you’re choosing to cultivate.
Change yourself, change your relationship with reality
When you change your relationship with shame, you also change your relationship with reality. Your shame is a signal calling for your attention and awareness to something deep within that is aching to transform.
Most people will hide from that transformation or try to numb it, but as magicians we have the opportunity to turn shame into a potent source of magical alchemy that brings us to our full potential.
Join us for our September 19th workshop:
Wanting Without Shame
Desire Play for Magicians and Magical Creators
In the Alchemy Lab (on September 10th), we focus on intention: how to clarify it, how to feel whether it is coherent, and how to notice what blocks it.
In Wanting Without Shame, we go deeper into desire itself.
Because before you can cast clearly, you have to want clearly.
We will explore desire as a:
magical current,
shadow material,
body wisdom,
business fuel,
and creative force.
We will look at the old selves that distort what we think we want, the desires we have been trained to hide, and the difference between casting from truth and casting from shame, obligation, or spiritual politeness.
For those of you building magical businesses, creating offerings, writing, teaching, reading, healing, making art, or trying to bring your magic into the material world, this is especially potent.
Your business desires matter. Your creative desires matter. Your money desires matter. Your visibility desires matter. Your pleasure, rest, power, devotion, hunger, and ambition all belong in the room.
Wanting without Shame - Alchemize your desires into Reality
Sign up now and get access to the alchemy lab as a special pre-order bonus
