5-24-2018 I finished reading Lessons Learned from Occult Letters today. My first reading of it anyway. Its one of those books I'll come back to and read again because of the insights offered in it. You can learn some profound perspectives from something which seems basic on the surface but actually goes much deeper underneath. It's why there are some books I come back to again and again because one reading is simply not enough. I think when you can choose to spend time with something, go deep with it, what it can offer you is a not just a brief moment, but a part of the path you walk.
5-27-2018 I've been reading Letters of Light, which were letters written by William G. Gray to one of his students. I think what I find most relevant in these letters is that they speak in some ways to my own changing circumstances. I have pretty much withdrawn from active participation in the occult/Pagan community and my reasons for doing that have primarily been a realization that I need to focus less on what's happening around me and more on the spiritual work I'm doing and the writing that goes with it. That change in focus will likely result in a couple more changes along those lines. It's ironic because I've done the author schtick and I'll continue to write books, but the author schtick itself doesn't matter so much any more. It's more about the work and the writing and giving myself over to that work in complete trust of where it can take me on my spiritual journey.
5-28-2018 There are days where I feel fear. Fear of the moment, fear of where am I going. I feel this fear less and less, but in the moments I feel it, I don't push it down. I embrace it and feel it. I allow myself to fully feel it, not because I think I'll find an answer or solution, but because the choice to feel it allows me to acknowledge it in a way that then provides me a way to do what I need to do without acting from fear. The choice to be present is the choice to consciously work with what is felt from a place of proactive awareness instead of reactivity.
6-2-2018 I finished reading the Letters of Light. Even though these letters were written for someone else, they nonetheless made quite an impression on me. It wasn't even so much the magical advice though some of that was useful, but also just the commentary on everyday life matters, and as a result contemplation on the course of my own life and the directions I seem to be going in. So much has changed for me and yet out of that change I feel I've gotten some clarity and had a lot of distraction fall to the side. The letters, in their own way, provided another touch point of confirmation.
6-3-2018 As I see magic become more of a lifestyle branding than an actual spiritual practice it tells me several things. The first is that people are more in love with the idea of magic, the image of magic, than the actual depth and experience of magic. The second is that I really am no longer part of the larger occult community. We may or may not practice magic, but that's likely all we have in common. I've watched as magic has become changed into this lifestyle branding and I even tried to do that a bit myself and the more I got into it as a brand the less in touch I really felt with my actual practice. The more I've focused on my practice, the less I want to partake in some attempt to brand magic. Branding it just makes it hollow and plastic, with people going through the motions.
6-4-2018 Today I felt the sharp sting of fear and I felt so grateful for it. Why? Because its those moments when I feel fear so sharply that it brings me face to face with what's hiding behind the fear. And usually what's hiding behind the fear is that feeling of being irrelevant, of not mattering, and all those other things the ego is saying because its scrabbling hard for some type of purchase. So what do I do? I sit with that fear, let it have its say and welcome it as a friend, yet also let it go in the rhythm of life and my choice to do what I need to do. It's hard to do, but the reward is that I learn from my fear without letting it control my life and I learn to speak to what's underneath it and make sure it has a voice where it needs to.
6-11-2018 I'm reading the Root of Chinese Qigong. It's a fascinating book which is filling in some details for me about the breathing techniques and practices of Qigong, but it also speaks to the stability work I'm doing. The author talks about rooting and how to stand and root yourself. When I do this standing meditation, it gives me a chance to be present with my body and to feel how stable my body feels in and of itself. I pay attention to the sensations and feelings. what do they tell me about my body? What do they tell me about my mental and emotional states? Your body is a mirror for your mind and emotions and if you tune into it, you can learn a lot about yourself as a result.
6-14-2018 What makes magic or really anything else interesting to me is how it can all connect together. For example, I can look at movement and dance and ask myself how does this relate to everything else I'm interested in and I can usually find something that speaks to that interest in some other discipline and find a way to tie it altogether. Lately I've picked up some fascinating works on on a variety of topics and I am so excited at the possibilities and ow it will inform my spiritual practices.
6-16-2018 A significant part of my stability work has involved finding the right balance between my body and my mind. I've always listened to my body, but I'm listening to it even more and I've always had creativity, but I'm allowing it in more and in doing both things, it makes recognize that what's best is stability where body and mind, creativity and groundedness support each other to create the experiences you have. When they work hand in hand, it makes for a beautiful reality.
6-17-2018 I decided today to put together the next magical journal compilation. It was a hard decision to make because its for the years 2015-2017 and in all honesty those are they years wherever everything went side ways because of choices I made. But I figure if I can't share my mistakes with others, so they can learn from those mistakes, and perhaps also learn from them again myself, then I'm doing myself and other people a disservice. I figure it'll be a good way to also look at those years from the perspective of stability.
6-18-2018 I've been reading The Shaman's Body and the author talks about people who are connected to spirit who nonetheless let their own issues get in the way of that connection and yet blame the connection for their issues. It really made me reflect on my own issues and how those issues could get in the way of the message. I don't know that I've ever blamed the message, but I have let my ego get in the way and that is its own challenge. I think the best way to handle is to recognize when your letting your personality take over and then take a moment and be humble. You've been given a gift to share, but the key word is given...
6-20-2018 I'm reading Working with Inner Light, which is the magical journals of William G. Gray and he notes something very essential about stability...that it is the primary essential of any mystery working, the basis from which all movement takes place. I think that's really profound. My own approach to magical work hasn't always recognized that need for stability, but since working with stability as an element, I can appreciate it much more fully and how its change my magical work. I think when we can embrace stability as a principle then it provides a foundation on which everything else is built.
I'm also reading the Chaos Protocols by Gordon White. the first chapter is a pretty stark look at macroeconomics, but I really appreciate how he takes such a perspective and really opens your ideas. Not enough magic authors do that, and his work actually did with me, and it's also helped me take stock of recent changes all over again with a realization that is timely to the changing tides of my life.
Each morning on the drive to work I have a dialogue with myself. Today's dialogue was about the fact that I am a super focused person and this makes it hard to relate to people. The benefit of the focus is that its allowed me to do a lot of things. But it comes at a cost of being able to relate. Still it is who I am, and it allows me to get things done that matter to me. And so I ask myself what is really important and the answer comes back to what I'm focused on and so that must be what drives my life and work.