6-26-17 I'm reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. She talks about the relationship we have with being vulnerable and what do we associate with vulnerability. Until I started doing my stillness work, I'd say my association with vulnerability was that being vulnerable was being weak. But with stillness, I've opened myself to being vulnerable and found that its actually helped me become a better person. When I am vulnerable I can open up and share. Stillness has taught me to become more comfortable with being vulnerable and to become better at expressing it.
6-30-17 There are moments where I really question the point of anything I'm doing. This is one of those moments.
7-1-17 Today I saw my dad. It's been almost a year, but in that year he underwent some health struggles...and seeing him now, physically and mentally so different is hard. It reminds me of my own mortality, but also the awareness that the people in my life don't live forever. I love my dad and the time I have with him is precious.
7-8-17 Back from the trip to my dad's. It was good to see him and it brought some clarity to me about my relationship with him and also my own ongoing work. We only have so much time, and I recognize that I need to be crystal clear about the time I have left and if I'm using it as optimally as I could be.
7-11-17 I ended up figuring out a time solution that I've employed this week. It's been amazing in terms of the amount of productive work that's happened, both professionally and personally. On a different note I've been employing the Taoist dissolving breath to work through some lingering issues from April. In doing the breath work its helped me release attachments and let go of feelings and stresses that had been problematic until now. The clarity that can be achieved by letting go of what no longer serves you is the clarity of stillness, of holding onto nothing and discovering everything.
7-13-17 You know even though the last 2 years and 3 quarters has been about stillness, its also been about really coming face to face with myself. And when that happens its not comfortable at all because you really see all of yourself when you're still. I wouldn't take it back for anything though because while it has been hard its also been helpful. And by no means do I feel these last couple of years and change has made me enlightened, because the truth is I've got a lot of work to do. But as with all the other internal work, it has opened me even further to doing the work. And that's the point. The journey doesn't stop, because there's no end destination in sight.
7-17-17 I'm working on being more vulnerable with myself and others. I feel like this lesson in particular is one which Stillness has been trying to teach me. I haven't always handled it well. But right now I'm really needing to be vulnerable and I realize my main obstacle as always is shame. In continuing to reading Daring Greatly, what stands out to me is how she explains that shame is the fear of disconnection. And that really stands out to me because if I look at moments where I'm afraid to communicate or share or be seen it is a fear of disconnection, yet I see how that very fear actually does disconnect me. And how that leads into shame. So this week in my Taoist meditation practices I've been working on that feeling of shame and disconnection, instead of shying away from it. Hard work, but so necessary.
7-19-17 Last night I asked Kat to tell me no. I'd seen yet another business class and I knew I needed to not take it, but part of me wanted to sign up anyway. So I asked her to say no, because I needed to hear it externally. So she did and afterwards she pointed out something I needed to hear. She said, "You've been working really hard with these class. You've been obsessed. You need to slow down and integrate what you've learned and you need to also figure out what's going on internally with your obsession." And it was a good point. Now I can say that obsession can be good in one sense in that it applies pressure to change, but in another sense I see how its also gotten me focused on shiny object syndrome...so I'm slowing down a bit and already seeing some benefits. Having someone who can say no to you when you need them to is precious.
7-21-17 This has been a tough month for me. But working with stillness isn't just about being still. It's about stripping away the lies we tell ourselves and in this case, just being more vulnerable and open to asking for help. I've sometimes approached my life trying to be as self-sufficient as possible, but its keeps you lonely and it isolates when you need help. And this month has really helped me see that clearly I do need some help with different things, where I've been trying to take it all on my own shoulders.