6-24-2018 I think one challenge people have with stability is the ideal that stability is illusory. I can appreciate that perspective, because in truth the trappings of stability are illusory. Under the right circumstances everything can be taken away. But those are the trappings. Real stability comes from within and its not about being in one place or having everything work out just fine. It's really about being able to adjust and adapt to whatever situation comes your way and still keep some sense of purpose and drive.
I've had to learn a lot about this in the last 9 months to a year. So much has changed externally, and I've had to adjust and adapt and also find myself all over again. I'm still finding myself in some ways. There are days where it is really hard, and yet gradually the coal is being polished to a diamond, the facets are being revealed, and I'm discovering what really matters. As hard as everything has been, I actually see what happened as a blessing, because its forced me to re-evaluate what matters to me and ask myself what I really want.
What I really want is to write, practice magic, and live my life on my own schedule, without any debt, and with enough money to take care of what needs to be taken care of, with a bit extra aside for those things I enjoy. That's really all I want. Knowing that really simplifies things for me.
6-25-2018 It's incredibly how internally resistant I can be toward what I want. I think a lot of that internal resistance has to do with how much I drilled into myself that I need to be "successful." Whatever that is. I've always put a lot of pressure on myself and today, while I was swimming, I was dealing with all this negative self-talk, all this ego and need to be recognized that has gotten in the way of my creativity. But you know, choosing to truly do what I love in whatever manner I can manage it, for the sake of doing it. That is one of the harder choices in my life. Yet making it and sticking with it brings something fundamental to me that ignoring it has not.
6-27-2018. I realize that so much of my internal resistance comes down to the fact that I've always looked externally for my satisfaction. I've never know how to find internal satisfaction. I've looked to external validation. Now I'm looking to internal satisfaction and validation. What a world of difference it makes. How hard it can be, but yet how freeing it can also be. Writing because it makes me happy, experimenting with magic because it inspires me and excites me. there is something deeply satisfying about those reasons.
6-30-2018 I've lately added a few qigong exercises to my daily exercises. Focusing on the movements and breath and internal energy has been good for my continuing work with my body and at the same time has emphasized stability, because when you are moving your body with intention and purpose you become very aware of stability and the role it plays in your body awareness. I feel subtle shifts in my body, for instance, with each movement and with the way the chi moves through my body. I feel the shift of stability with each movement, yet find that it provides the foundation by which the movement of body and energy can occur.
The people who fascinate me are the people who understand the world in a different way. They don't relate well to other people, but the world, the universe, they understand it differently, they see potential and opportunities, where most others see nothing.
7-4-2018 This morning Kat and I were discussing intellectual intelligence and emotional intelligence. I lean toward the former more and have had to do a lot of work to learn about the latter, both in relationship to myself and other people. Its ongoing work and its an essential part of stability. But its also why I don't relate well with people. I'm learning how to figure out my emotions and I've come a long way there, which helps with recognizing other peoples' emotional cues. And at the job I'm at, I suppose I've gotten some training as well by virtue of the work. The thing is this kind of work does take time and effort. And its not something you just figure out, or maybe it is for some people, but for me it never has been. But I keep at it, because the slow progress I've made does help me, even if at times its like climbing a mountain.
7-7-2018 I've been continuing work with the qi gong practices I've learned. When I do the practices I can feel the Chi moving in my body and dissolving blockages or strengthening existing energetic structures. This work reinforces me to that stability isn't just a matter of being emotionally stable or physically fit, but really taking a holistic perspective that encompasses everything and treats the body as a foundation on multiple levels. You have the physical level where you watch what you eat, exercise, and do other activities to take care of the flesh. You have the emotional level where you maintain awareness of your emotions and develop processes for expressing them in a healthy manner. You have the mental level, where you harness the power of the monkey mind and thought, and the spiritual/energetic level, where you cultivate and refine everything else to increase the quality of life. When all of these are factored together it establishes a stable foundation from which anything else can be developed.
7-10-2018 "If I tell myself I can't, then I won't. If I tell myself I can, then I will find a way." This came to me last night as I was going to sleep. It really struck me, so I'm reminding myself that I am ultimately the person who decides what I can or can't do. In general the limits a person encounters are the ones they've set themselves. And I've told myself I can't more than enough. I need to also tell myself what I can do and then find a way to make it happen.
7-12-2018 I'm reading Rebel Talent. It's an interesting book that explores how breaking rules can be productive, but something she wrote about Napoleon has me thinking about my own experiences. She talked about what an intelligent guy he was and how he made some brilliant innovations, but what did him in was a few mistakes. Now I'm not Napoleon, but what made me relate to that story is that I have made my share of mistakes and its those mistakes which have cost me. I can look back now and see them and recognize where my own hubris set me up to fail. But such hindsight is only useful if I really can learn from the mistakes. I think I've learned from them and in some cases there's nothing that can be done to undo the damage. All I can do is move forward and find a different way forward, but be more cautious than I had been. It's a hard thing to recognize. I am the author of my own situation, more so than anything or anyone else, and taking that responsibility is so hard at times, but I also feel it has been a catalyst in this stability work because how I approach a given situation is different now. I don't feel that's such a bad thing, because I'm still putting myself out there, still taking risks, and still making choices. And whatever happens, at least I'm trying each and every day.
7-16-2018 The last couple days I visited the Confluence Project (the Eastern part of its anyway). I'm writing about the experiences in a few posts on Pagan Spirit, but the trip was good for me as a way of getting to know this area better. I don't feel you can know a place until you walk it and experience it directly. At that point you make an offering between yourself and that place, through the mutual exchange of the experience.
I'm also continuing to weigh how I handle situations and asking myself if the reaction is worth the consequences. In the past I would react without really thinking it through or even in the case of a proactive choice, nonetheless not always consider the consequences. The consideration of consequence is essential I think to leading a life of stability, because when weighed carefully, the choices you make can bring about less conflict and perpetuation of what doesn't work.
7-19-2018 I had an interesting experience when I did the sphere of Art ritual tonight. I had come home from work and exercise and I was tired, but decided to do the ritual and part way through it I felt the spirits and the sphere itself flow through me and I became more awake and present. It was fascinating to experience and will bear some repeating so I can verify if this is a usual occurrence or something else, but it did seem to go hand in hand with stability, because here was this energy stabilizing me, helping me be present and active in the ritual.
7-21-2018 As I get more and more settled and at the same time focus on my creativity more and more I'm feeling a level of satisfaction I haven't previously felt. The only thing I really miss at this point is having a schedule that I'm in complete control of. Sometimes you have to lose everything you have, or at least a lot of it to get clarity about what really matters. I was thinking the other day that finally focusing on my writing has actually given me the permission to just do what I've always wanted...It just took this long to figure out.