An experiment with Fasting

I just finished reading Tai Chi Dynamics (see below for the review) and in it he included a chapter on Fasting and how to do it properly. I decided to give it a try today and so far it's been interesting to experience. He notes that a person can be a bit more temperamental, which is true. My emotions have been a bit edgier, though he also notes this fades as your body gets more accustomed to the fast. He also mentions that you begin to notice a difference between when you are genuinely hungry and just feeling a desire for food and he's right. There is a definite difference. I have felt a sensation that I'd say is not hunger so much as it's emptiness in my belly. In fact, I think that sometimes I have eaten because I have felt empty and wanted to fill that emptiness up with something and food has been convenient for that. In choosing not to eat, I have been observing my reactions to the feeling of emptiness in my belly and recognizing that I don't necessarily feel hungry (and yes there is a difference in that feeling). In sitting with that feeling and observing it I do notice a difference in awareness in terms of how I'm thinking about hunger and food.

The purpose of fasting is to actually break down the toxins of the body that it holds onto otherwise. I can see why this would be healthy and useful to do and so that's my main reason for trying it today, to feel what it's like to fast and also to help my body break down some toxins it'd otherwise hold onto.

Review of Tai Chi Dynamics by Robert Chuckrow

I found Tai Chi dynamics to be an interesting mixture of martial arts, physics and philosophy. The author clearly and concisely explained how physics could be applied to Tai chi movements and practice as well as providing some very interesting exercises a person could do to demonstrate the principles in action. I also found his chapter on fasting to be very useful as he explained how to properly do it and what needs to be considered in order to do a successful fast. This is definitely a book for intermediate practitioners. If you aren't familiar with Tai Chi, spend some time learning it and then come back to this book.

5 out of 5

Learning not to struggle with my demons

Since starting to read Tsultrim Allione's book, Feeding Your Demons, I've been re-learning something I've learned before, but from a Taoist perspective in Relaxing into your Being: Breathing, Chi, and Dissolving the Ego, by B. K. Frantzis. From the Taoist perspective you use breathing and energy work to dissolve blockages. With Tsultrim's work, you embody the bloackages or issues into demons you can interact with and then you dissolve them by feeding the demons what they need, as opposed to what they want. And what both books teach is that the more you actively resist or fight something, the stronger it gets, because you are letting it guide and control your strength. By relaxing, and also learning how to use your strength to guide the demon/blockage you can actually loosen up a lot of resistance and free your energy up. The last few weeks have been hard for me, because I've consciously realized just how much I've struggled against some of my demons, all the while making them stronger. When you observe behavior that you know is unhealthy and you know you should stop it, but you feel your efforts aren't working, it's like watching a train wreck happening. You can't stop it and you feel helpess and frustrated. That's how I've felt not even the just the last few weeks, but really the last few months, since the beginning of this emptiness working. And every bit of progress I've gained has been a struggle, a fight for even an inch...yet in fighting myself so much I have made it so much harder on myself than I needed to.

You might wonder, since I've had access and been doing the Taoist breathing, why that didn't just work, but I think that while it does work, there's also something to be said for how people sometimes box themselves in through their perceptions. It's been in reading and working with the exercises in Tsultrim's work that I've finally started to feel less resistance and less struggle. It's still there some, because I'm not used to interacting with my emptiness or abandonment issues without some form of struggle involved, but emboding my issue into the form of a demon, where I can interact with it has helped me actually put a face to my issues and so respond to them with more compassion than I would normally allow for myself. In fact, perhaps because I haven't previously embodied my issues in a form that was approacheable, it's been harder to feel compassion because it still on some levels feels like an abstract concept that I'm grappling with. The embodiment of an aspect of myself provides something that's more flesh and blood...and I've had access to techniques like this, but what's helping me GET this concept is the way Tsultrim words/explaisn the technique as well as the underlying issues that create these demons. I've read books on pathworking, explained from a Western Magical perspective, but the problem that has occurred is that the approach has often been worded in an abstract, intellectual manner, without a corresponding level of emotional/spiritual awareness that allows a person to feel the technique, as well as visualize it or read about it.

I'm still struggling with my demons, but each day it's a bit less and I find it makes what I'm doing a bit easier...it's easier to feel compassion for my struggles, for my weak moments, and for my failings than it ever was before. I can finally accept my failings and from that acceptance start toward a genuine path of change and growth.

Feeding a Demon

I recently started reading Tsutrim Allione's Feeding Your Demons, which presents a technique based on the Tibetan Chod ritual, where you find and locate your internal demons, stresses, etc., and you personify them and then feed them what they need, as opposed to what they want. She makes a critical distinction between want and need, arguing that a want can mask a deeper underlying need for something else. I've already started using her technique for myself. This morning I was feeling pretty need and instead of indulging in that neediness I decided to give it a shape and talk with it. It ended up being a child version of me with a huge mouth for it's torso. It told me that even when I gave it what it wanted all it really felt was an increase in emptiness. The mouth in the torso never felt satisfied and always wanted more. This made a lot of sense to me. I asked it what it needed and it said it needed love and acceptance. So I started feeding it love and it grew quieter and smaller. It's still there, but not nearly as aggravating as it can be. It's quiet...and I feel a bit more balanced. I can definitely already see the benefits of this technique, and I haven't read all the book or done all the techniques.

Social Responsibility and Magic

I've previously posted on here about magic as a social practice, but I've decided to expand on that further by examining the concept of social responsibility and whether magic has any role in it, or not. As far as I can tell this is not a question which has really been asked in occultism, beyond the Ethics of Thelema by Gerald Del Campo, which ultimately focuses on a religion and its approach to ethics. Given that I don't consider my practice of magic to be a religion, I'm not interested in approaching this argument in context to what a central figure wrote. Del Campo's discussion inevitably has to revolve around Crowley because he is the central figure of Thelema, but such a narrow focus ultimately doesn't examine magic and its relationship to social responsibility (nor, to be fair to Gerald, was that necessarily his intent).

The other reason I'm not interested in approaching this issue from a religious angle is that all too often moral and ethical authority is placed in the hands of some cosmic being, as opposed to residing in the hands of ourselves. By placing such authority in the hands of a deity that may or may not care about what happens, we abdicate our responsibilities to ourselves and each other, or worse come up with ways to conveniently invoke the name of the deity while flogging our personal values and beliefs on other people. The Far Right Conservative Christians are an example of what happens when people choose to conveniently displace any sense of personal responsibility into the hands of a deity while promoting what is ultimately a hateful and destructive agenda in the name of religion. It is harder, but much more important to place the responsibility of how we treat each other and this planet in our own hands.

I suppose one could argue that the ethics of magic is examined in the Wiccan rede, but I've never found that to be entirely satisfactory either and beyond stating that one shouldn't harm others in acts of magic, it doesn't seem to deal with the concept of social responsibility at all. Then again, I haven't even defined social responsibility, so let's focus on that for a bit.

I recently finished reading the Analects by Confucius and have just started reading The Mencius. Something which really impressed me about what I read is the concept of social responsibility toward your fellow person and indeed the overall society one lives in. Confucius calls social responsibility benevolence, but I'm going to refer to it as social responsibility. In the works I've read social responsibility involves having an obligation your family first and formost and from there other people who are connected to you. The more connected people are to you, the more obligation is involved. This sense of obligation also applies to statecraft in the sense that one has an obligation to be involved in statescraft.

I don't entirely agree with the Confucian model of social responsibility because it can be fairly elitist, but I do recognize one important aspect of it, which is the focus on taking care of the people you are connected to. However, I also see the possibility for some extensions in other directions.

The concept of social responsibility is something I've been thinking about and trying to act upon in my personal choices for quite a while. I think of social responsibility as a recognition that the welfare of the community is equally as important as the welfare of the individual, if not more so, for the simple fact that an individual has a much harder time living and surviving alone than if s/he has a community to draw upon (and also resources to offer the community). In other words, it is important that the person recognizes that s/he needs to be an active participant in the community s/he is a part of in order for both the community and the person to flourish.

An additional layer of social responsibility is the recognition that each person must be a responsible steward of this planet. This involves more than just recycling and cutting down on one's carbon imprint. It involves recognizing that the planet is a living being in its own right and we live in a symbiotic relationship with this planet as well as with all the other life forms existing in it. It involves making an active effort to connect with the land, similar as you would with the community you are a part of. Some of starhawk's work and the tradition of Reclaiming focuses on environmental work and one's obligation to the environment, and that can be a useful jumping off point for exploring environmental action and magic.

Part of what has motivated me to question the occult culture (and magic) and its significance or lack thereof in contemporary society and culture is that I've rarely felt that my spiritual practice has actually connected me to the people around me. It has been useful in getting me results, but it seems that the focus in Western Magic, at least, is primarily a me-ist focus...what can I get for myself, as opposed to what can I give of myself. While I certainly appreciate the effectiveness of results magic in terms of making some situations in my life easier to deal with, I've also, especially over the last five or so years, questioned how magic can be integrated into society, and whether magic can be incorporated into society as a method and practice of social responsibility.

The magical activity I've observed as having aspects of social responsibility  has inevitably focused on using magic to attack corporations or subversively undermine values of society that the magician doesn't agree with. I certainly think subversive magic has it's place and that utilizing magic in regards to protests of corporations or unjust wars is of value, but what stands out to me about those activities is that they seem mostly destructive and of course focused on the existing archetype of the magician as a rebel. I have not observed any constructive focus or practical application of magic as a force for social responsibility and the closest archetype I can find that might involve a positive role is that of the Shaman serving his/her community.

I think it is vitally important to determine if magic as a methodology can be used to promote social responsibility to ourselves, and to others...not a religion, but instead as a dialogue for how our interactions with spirit mesh with our interactions with the everyday realities of this world and with how we treat each other.

One direction to explore is the path of using internal work to cultivate an increased conscious awareness of one's actions and the effect those actions have on not just the self, but other people, and also the other lifeforms we are symbiotically connected to. While I don't believe that internal work can solve all of our problems, I will note that an increased awareness also leads to an increased focus on being socially responsible in one's actions and words. It certainly has for me...as five years ago I generally only cared about myself and how anything anyone did benefited me. Internal work is not just about becoming spiritually liberated or psychologically sound of mine. It is about recognizing the profound connection we have to each other and to all living things and the decision to step up and become actively responsible in how we choose to interact with all those living things. It is not merely a healing of childhood wounds, but an awareness that for true healing to occur, it cannot be limited to just the self, but must be extended through actions and words to what is around us.

But magic as a form of social responsibility must be taken further than just internal work. We need to ask how it can be applied practically to the world around us. Do we do a ritual to heal the Earth and if so what does that practically mean? How does that ritual change our consciousness and does that change only last while we do the ritual? How do we take magic and change the focus from me to we?

*******

I finished reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. Although I've reviewed it before, I've never reviewed it on here, so below is a new review, fresh off from re-reading it.

This is a book that will always challenge you and cause you to discover something new about yourself each time you read it. Having read it a second time, I found myself realizing new lessons which spoke to the heart and soul of my current situation and have no doubt that this book will be relevant again down the line for other situations. This isn't a book which offers concrete meditation techniques, but rather offers perspectives and reflection for you to consider as you meditate and indeed navigate everyday life.

5 out of 5 meditators

Random notes

I'm starting to learn about planetary magic. I've done some work with the planets years ago, but not enough to feel really informed about it. One of my magical brothers who has some background on planetary magic told me about some of his work and instructed me a bit about some of the correspondences. So I decided to take that learning and start applying it by spending some time with each planet. I'm going with the traditional seven for now, but could easily expand it further. A couple nights ago I spent some time with a friend and helped her create a servitor to find a roommate. When we started the process, she first constructed a magical circle/sphere and called the quarters and also above, below, and center, as well as the spirit of the house. I was really impressed by the spirit of the house and how clearly it came through. It has inspired me to continue working with the spirit of my magical room, but also to consider what I will do, when I eventually buy a home, to tune into the entity of the home. What also stood out to me is how different individual styles of magic can be. I never cast a circle when I do magical work (except when working with the Dehara). My reason for not casting a circle is that I have already constructed a very specific space for magical work and part of that space is my body. When I go to perform magic, my body is the circle. However, I definitely could feel the intention and energy that my friend put into her circle and I recognized again, how different methods of practicing magic are valid. Just because I don't do something, doesn't make it less valid or efficacious...and perhaps by occasionally doing what she did, I can also keep myself flexible in my approach to magical work.

Review of the Analects by Confucius

I found this to be a fascinating book because it presents a perspective on social morality and the obligations constructed around having a family and a duty to the society you live in. I'm not sure if the translation is as accurate as it could be and there were times where the subtlety of the subject matter escaped me, likely because I'm not from china nor do I really have an accurate understanding of the culture in Confucius's time, let alone present time. Still, I found this book fascinating because it presents a different perspective on social responsibility and morality toward the people we interact with. I highly recommend reading it as an opportunity to expand your horizons both culturally and for social responsibility.

4 out of 5

The Emptiness Working Month 3: Rage

Dec 17 We've just moved into the new place and I have online connection again. The last half week has been hard. We got moved out quickly and right after it snowed in Portland, which pretty much brings this city to a crashing halt. Mainly though, I've been dealing with rage, with anger, and this makes perfect sense to me in context to emptiness, because one of the first emotions I learned to repress was rage. I had to repress it, because I wasn't really allowed to express it to anyone. And although I eventually did learn to express it, how I've expressed it hasn't always been healthy. The repression of rage is, I think, what first lead me to emptiness. I pushed my rage down and in pushing it down I also pushed my other emotions down. So I became empty, because emptiness was safer than feeling emotions. And yet that very emptiness was so haunting that I cut myself physically to feel something...it was a catch 22. I wasn't even really feeling emptiness so much as I was feeling the blockages I created in order to survive on a day by day basis. But feeling those blockages was enough to make me feel emotionally dead and so I cut myself back then to feel. It took me a long time to overcome that addiction to cutting.

The last few days put me on edge because of moving. I felt uprooted. Plus I've been dealing with past memories and current emotions in regards to some of my family. So rage has been close to the surface. Yesterday I felt so ready to just snap and I took the day to just get away from people in general. Some alone time to feel emotions, think and work through stuff.

Not surprising some of my thoughts turned to what I'd written about in the last update about emptiness. I thought back to times where I've sometimes emotionally led someone on or been less than forthcoming about my emotions and how I felt and realized that everyone, to some degree or another does this. I still felt ashamed though, because I realized just how much I have done the same behaviors that I experienced the last couple of months. It just provides me more motivation to change that to more genuine and authentic communication, because even if that communication hurts at the time, it's better than the eventual hurt that occurs down the line, which is usually worse because a person feels led on. And truth to tell I've experienced both sides of that equation before, but it's only now that I honestly can say I recognize how hurtful it can be to lead someone on out of fear of displeasing or whatever else motivates the action and how hurt one can feel when one realizes s/he is lead on. It's that conscious awareness which allows a person to make a genuine change, because you also see the consequences of the actions and can recognize the effect on you and others.

Feeling the rage I've felt lately hasn't been as intimidating as it used to be. It's something I feel, but I've been developing better coping strategies for it. I don't need to repress it, nor do I need to lash out and so I can find a way to manage it and express it that involves more communication and less reaction.

Dec 18. My mom is visiting for a week. She actually came in last night. I spoke with her at some length about my emptiness working and the feelings I was working through in regards to her and my family in general. It was a productive talk and when I drove home, I started to cry. I just felt something loosen up with me and that wounded child gave vent to some emotions that I hadn't realized needed that release. I felt less burdened afterwards. I'll be curious as to the rest of this week and what it brings.

I also got further confirmation that my decision at the end of last month is a good one, i.e. to just hold back from getting too involved with anyone, and focus on the internal work. People come into your life for a reason, I tend to think. Sometimes that reason is to show you what you're missing right in front of you. or within you, in my case. There's a part of me tempted to bury myself into a project that already is involving a lot of my time. I know better than to busy myself to avoid feeling something...it's a classic route to emptiness, but better to feel the pain and let it go then repress it and find it comes back with a vengeance later on.

Dec 19 A lot to write this month. Today my mom was telling me a story about an aunt and I ended up remembering something similar about my step mom. And I felt a surge of rage go through me toward this person who I've not see in years. Later tonight, Lupa and I had an argument about some stuff planned out. I was angry with myself for not thinking of her and thought about that pattern of anger as it had manifested over the last couple of weeks. Where does this self-anger come from?

And I meditated tonight and traced it to the root which was, of course, my childhood...remembering how I'd try and do everything as perfect as possible to avoid getting punished or yelled at or shaken. And how when I didn't do it just right, I'd get angry at myself, as a way to show someone else, usually my step mom, that I knew I had done something wrong and was punishing myself (not that it ever stopped her from punishing me anyway). And that's the root of my self anger...an attempt to punish myself to avoid punishment from someone else and I felt anger at her all over again. I wanted to shake her, yell at her, tell her what a disappointment and failure she was...all the things I'd been told when I was a child. I wanted to make her feel powerless. I never realized just how much my self-anger, and all of my approaches to anger came from this individual, or how toxic she was in my life until today. And feeling that today...was good, but it also did have me thinking about something I told my therapist: I want to learn how to manage my anger better, so I don't explode, so I express it safely, so I speak to how I feel, but respect myself and everyone else in how I speak. So I learn how to not repress my anger any longer, but also release it in a way that is ultimately healthy for all involved. I can do this and yes this is part of my challenge with emptiness.

Dec 22nd I found myself thinking about a recent situation and the other person involved in that situation last night. A sense of helplessness filled me, because I realized I had no sense of control or ability to do anything about the situation, except to accept it, and no idea if there would be further interaction with this person at all. Later that night I started re-reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart, and the following passage spoke perfectly to how I feel today and felt last night:

"Instructions on mindfulness or emptiness or working with energy all points to the same thing: Being right on the spot nails us right to the point of time and space that we are in. When we stop there and don't act out, don't repress, don't blame it on anyone else, and also don't blame it on ourselves, then we meet with an open-ended question that has no conceptual answer. We also encounter our heart."

I do feel right on the spot. And though I feel helpless, I don't have blame for this person, for asserting boundaries that needed to be asserted. On the other hand, I can't really blame myself for feeling what I do, because it's how I feel. So instead I'm in this place where I'm encountering my heart, encountering the emptiness and encountering a place where the only control I have is to let go of any control at all. It's not an easy place to be.

Dec 25 Due to the Snowpocalpyse I was not able to drop my mom off to the airport today. Instead I saw her one last time for lunch yesterday. We both felt frustrated that we didn't get to see each other more. This visit went really well and for me ended up bringing some closure to some feelings of anger I've held onto for way to long. Being able to talk with her, and tell her about how I felt and listening to her was a release for me. Given that I'm working on anger and its relationship to emptiness her visit came at just the right time and left me feeling more at peace with her myself, a needed feeling right now with the rigors of this emptiness working. Especially in the beginning of the elemental, having these triumphs can make all the difference.

I also, today, decided to finish letting go of someone from my life. I'd mainly kept the connection out of a sense of guilty, which is hardly healthy for either of us. That's not a reason to stay connected, not for me, and so today I finally felt I could let that guilt and the lingering anger go. I wish peace upon that person and more importantly I wish peace upon myself. I don't need to continue to weigh myself down with the mistakes I made in that connection. I think the biggest lesson for me today about emptiness is that it is about letting go of whatever is holding you back...

Dec 27 Over the last couple of days I've continued to sit with my feelings about being in situations where I've felt romantically thwarted, and/or have romantically thwarted someone else. The shame I have felt in the latter case, because of my actions has been quite revealing to me. I ask, "Is this the action of an authentic person?" and the answer I receive is, "No." Given how I have felt lately, in response to the last couple of months, I feel some empathy for how I may have hurt other people in the past. Nonetheless, as I've continued to process these feelings I came across another passage from Pema Chodron which is helping me put these feelings into perspective:

"The very first noble truth of the Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last - that they don't disintegrate, that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security"

The attachment to an outcome is, I realize, what has caused me to feel these feelings. I've been so focused on the desired result, I forgot about the process. Yet having these feelings, this suffering, brings me back to the process, until I can learn to let go of that attachment to outcome and accept the moment as it manifests, with boundless potential and options waiting, if I am willing to be open to them. I'm still wrestling with my feelings about what's happened in the last couple months, but I do feel closer to releasing those feelings. They are attachment to a desired outcome which hadn't occurred. I can't make it occur as it is, so learning to let go could free me to experience it as it could be.

I'd said the other day that I was letting go of a connection with someone, but today I happened to look through old chat logs and felt such shame go through me again. Shame buried deep within me. That shame relates to my feelings of anger and also to some of what I've discussed above. I know feeling this shame is healthy for me, and that at some point I'll heal from what happened, but even a year later I feel haunted by what I did. Guess that's another reason to do this emptiness working.

12-28 Today I got some inspiration in the form of a friend who told me how she'd changed a particular behavior by tracing it back to the root of its expression in her body. I thought that was interesting and decided I might do something similar. As you might recall, last month's title was obsession and I thought I might look at that emotion today in my meditation. Tracing it back inevitably took me to to the feeling of abandonment, and my first memory. I am going to do some more intensive work with that memory to achieve a sense of closure with it, as well as the associated emotions that are rooted in it.

1-1-2009 My new years day involved me realizing that one way I've tried to fill my emptiness up has been through sexual activity. Not so much to enjoy sex, but to escape feeling empty. It explains some of my behavior when it comes to how I've handled people afterwards, the sometimes stringing along I've done has been a discomfort on my part with dealing with the reality of the person, as opposed to what I initially got, which was a temporary escape from feeling empty. When I realized just how much that feeling of emptiness has motivated my behaviors across a wide spectrum of activities, it was hard. Yet it's a good realization so long as I turn it into something more than just that.

1-5-2009: I've been spending the last few days meditating and working through my feelings about sex for escape vs sex for connection. There's definitely a difference for me in the acts. For escape isn't about anyone else than me, and mainly me using the sensations to get rid of the emptiness. Sex for connection is about letting the other person in, connecting and being with that person in that moment. Sex for escape doesn't leave much of a lasting impression...it doesn't have the same feeling as sex for connection, which does leave an impression. It's telling I've only realized this in the last few days though, because it's such a hidden part of the emptiness...the underbelly of my desire as it were.

In terms of emptiness and anger, I've lately been recognizing that my relationship with anger when I apply anger to myself has involved a lot of punishment, a tendency to turn the anger toward myself as a way of expiating my guilt. Yet that anger doesn't seem to serve a constructive purpose. The fact that I still feel guilty for what happened a year ago is a dysfunctional process in a way, though on the other hand I suppose it has motivated me to change. Still, at what point does the anger and guilt get let go of?

Today I asked someone, "Please be gentle with me." And thought sometime later, "I wonder if others thought that with me." Gentleness, for me, comes from compassion and awareness of suffering...The last couple of weeks of conscious awareness has made me want to be much more gentle with people.

1-8-09 It seems that in one form or another a lesson that seems to be particularly hard for me to learn is one I'm experiencing in different forms and manifestations. The attachment I've felt toward a particular result has in one way or another painfully been exposed in terms of the unhealthy aspects of it. I continually find obstacles and in those obstacles painfully see myself and my weaknesses in ways I have never wanted to. Yet in seeing those weaknesses I am given a moment of perspective and clarity about them. Chodron says the following:

"Perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. Maybe the only enemy is that we don't  like the way reality is now and therefore wish it could go away fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know...It just keeps returning with new names, forms, and manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves." (Chodron 1997, p. 66 from When Things Fall Apart).

I read those words above and I realize rationally that this describes exactly what I've been struggling with for the last few months in terms of my relationship to emptiness, to other people, and to the habits I've utilized to try and fill myself up. Emotionally I want to rebel again those words and shrink away and yell and pout and whatever else. I recognize emotionally I am too attached. I've been reminded of that this very evening in a correspondence with someone. I can clearly see how much of this is an issue of control with myself, a control an attachment to something, and yet I feel helpless in the face of the suffering that this attachment has caused me. I cannot seem to let go of the attachment, even though it causes more suffering. Chodron also said "We are killing the moment by controlling our experience". To the magician in me this is antithetical, strange, and fearsome. to the human in me, this is something scary to experience, this realization of control and the suffering it causes. For whatever affirmation control seems to give me, I am nonetheless faced as well with the realization that clinging to a desired outcome has lead me to a lot of suffering and even when fulfilled, not nearly as much satisfaction as one might think it would provide. That is such a hard lesson for me to learn is frustrating in itself. I'm reminded of what a friend of mine has said, "I just want it to be over with." Yet what Chodron writes above is undeniable...it won't be "over with" until I learn whatever I need to learn from it...and I've seen this repeated with various lessons in my life. I'll get there eventually, when I actually get it.

When a person tells you that s/he understands your suffering, that person is sympathizing. Suffering is not something which is understood. It is experienced. And that experience shapes and sculpts a person in ways that can be considered alchemical. The dross is burned off, purged, and otherwise destroyed. The left over remnants are purified through the rotting putrefaction of the person's agony. The refinement into alchemical gold is a process which involves a lot of destruction for the rebirth of a new creation, which is refined by all the lessons learned in the process toward that creation. But the suffering is a heavy price to pay for that refinement. I may very well be a "better" person after all this work I do, but sometimes I wonder if the cost is really worth it, and today is one of those days. I can't say I've ever understood anyone else's suffering, but I have and am suffering and it is an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

1-10-09 The other night I gave vent to grief over really what these last few months have been like for me. I just allowed myself to feel something I needed to release. I didn't want to be touched by anyone, I didn't want anyone to give sympathy. I just wanted to feel my anger and grief and suffering from the last few months. The next day I caught myself acting passive aggressive about some stuff and talked about it at length with my therapist. We seemed to agree that the passive aggressiveness boils down to issues of authority with women and not always feeling capable of expressing the need for boundaries or just needs in a way that is straightforward. It's something I've been working on this month and even before that, but it's good I'm recognizing that the root of my passive aggressive behaviors goes back to what happened with my boundaries never really being respected in my early years. Recognizing all of this gives me hope in terms of changing the behavior...it's something, though right now, not enough (which is so appropriate to emptiness)

On a different note, in reading the notes on the Star wars wiki about the emperor, and specifically how the emperor approaches anger, the emperor notes that a person must balance anger with intelligence, using the intelligence to control the expression of anger. And sure I see the sociopathic potential with that, but otoh, there's also something to be said for stepping back from a situation and feeling your anger and then intelligently discussing it. Likely not what he would mean...but I'm not a sith lord.

1-12-09 The quote below is from a character called Darth Plagueis from the Star Wars universe

Tell me what you regard as your greatest strength, so I will know how best to undermine you; tell me of your greatest fear, so I will know which I must force you to face; tell me what you cherish most, so I will know what to take from you; and tell me what you crave, so that I might deny you.

It is, I think, the embodiment of what I might consider the more demanding aspects of emptiness. This month, and the last two months has put me in a place where this quote is so accurate, because it has pushed me to my edge and forced me to really face my fears, while being denied my desires. It's fitting really that it's happened, and so fitting that the Emperor has taken such a prominent role in this working.Whenever something has occurred this month or the last couple, I've heard his gravelly voice, and felt his hands on my shoulder. He berates, admonishes, threatens, and occasionally praises me, telling me that I am being shaped by all of these experiences and learning not only the power of my emotions, but what it is really like to fully feel them. And of course he's teaching me something about how to work with the emotional energies in a way which I know will be helpful for a variety of experiments.  All the same reading those words now has really brought home the full force of this emptiness working. This is what I invoked into my life for the last three months and for the next nine months as well, at least to some degree. It isn't the entirety of emptiness, but it is a big part of it nonetheless.

I do feel Xah in the background. He's occasionally come up and reminded to go at my own pace and to respect the pace of others as well. He's teaching me, slowly but surely a lot about pace and what pace means when it comes to interactions with myself and others. His is a much more subtle undercurrent in this emptiness working. He leads me on, a mocking smile on his face, but also the occasional gentle prod.

1-13-09 Talked with a friend today about events that occurred last week. At one point he stopped me and said, "You're still holding so much anger in. Just let it out and vent." I realized he was right and just started yelling and venting about what had occurred and how angry I felt over feeling disempowered in the situation I'd been in. He said afterwards that he holds back sometimes as well because of the fire inside him, a fire he noticied in me as well. I am a fiery and passionate person and I do leash my anger around people I'm close to, even when I'm angry at those people, which speaks to the repression cycle. Yet today just venting and letting lose felt really good. It helped that the person I'm angry at wasn't there, but I wonder how healthy it is to hold back my expression of anger. The repression eventually leads to a volcanic eruption of anger, which certainly isn't helpful either. Finding a balance point would be helpful. At the beginning of this month, I recognized that rage was going to be the theme of this month and so much has played out in my interaction with this feeling. I feel simultaneously wiser about how I handle anger, and less empowered because I feel that anger and am in a way intimidated by feeling it and expressing it. Given how destructive anger is, I suppose some warieness is wise to feel, but part of me wonders if I'm just running from myself. Given that I wrote at the beginning of this month that I feel less intimidated by my anger, I feel humbled in realizing that this isn't really the case. The illusions we give ourselves are quickly destroyed in the face of this kind of work.

1-14-09 Sometimes surrender is the best option to take. I have been fighting my feelings of emptiness all my life. this month has embodied that fight with the rage and helplessness I have felt. I was told today that instead of trying to fill my emptiness up, that I should see if that desire to fill it up is the dysfunction. I suppose it's as clear a message as any this last month. Stop trying to distract yourself. Give in, surrender, submit. That is simultaneously the hardest and easiest act to do. I've tried filling up the emptiness. Now I'm just going to give in...surrender, and see what happens. Let go of attachment to what you think you want...or maybe just recognize how much that attachment leads to suffering and ask yourself if it's worth it. I'm told if you can't find it within, you won't find it without. Pretty words, but it doesn't solve anything for me. It's easy to offer such words, but the action is mine to take, and giving up, surrendering runs counter to so much of how I lived my life. But if life is a conflict that hurts so much, trying something new can actually be worth it. So...I'm giving up...I just don't know what I'm giving up...how terrifying. See you next month.

Why it's important to keep a record of your work

I've been archiving some of my past entries on my livejournal to a private archive I use to keep track of my experiments. What stands out to me is just how sloppy I was a few years ago in keeping tracking of some of my experiments...that and also the fact that I have a lot of experimental work I need to develop further than where it currently is at. It's very important to keep a record of the work you are doing. I wish my earlier records were more comprehensive than they are...I'm fortunate that I have a paper record as a backup in the work I'm currently archiving. However, there's still a few missing details and those details count for a lot.

In many magical books the admonishment of keeping a journal is offered out so that you can keep track of your results and process. I can't stress enough just how valuable that advice is, because no matter what you read in a book, it's what you write about your own processes which really informs the efficacy of your work, and speaks also to your discipline or lack thereof.

Pantheacon 2009 update and a book Review

So as I mentioned in a previous post, I'll be presenting a workshop at Pantheacon as well as being on two panels. On Friday Feb 13 at 3:30 Pm in the Carmel room I will be presenting my workshop on the Elemental Balancing ritual. In this workshop I'll explain how elemental balancing works and how to create your own balancing ritual as well as the risks and rewards involved in this kind of working. We'll discuss the application of using pop culture entities or traditional entities for your balancing ritual and do a pathworking at the end so you can find your element to balance your life with.

at 9 Pm Feb 13 in the Carmel/Monterey rooms I and fellow Immanion Press authors Lupa, Tony Mierzwicki, Kenny Klein, Frater Barrabbas, Brandy Williams, and Erynn Rowan Laurie will be answering questions about our books, Immanion Press, and what it means to be a publisher of cutting edge occult books.

At 11 Am Saturday in the Monterey room, Lupa and I will be part of a panel on the pagan publishing industry, hosted by Llewellyn.

So if you want to meet me, look for me at those venues and otherwise just keep an eye out for me as I'll likely be wandering around a lot.

Book Review: Kaostar! by Francis Breakspear

This is an intriguing book that is mostly focused on practical applications of everyday items to results driven magic. The author offers amusing stories without being pretentious and more importantly includes tips and suggestions that the magician can use to effectively apply the concepts to practical workings in his/her own life.

Something I do wish the author focused a bit more on was the business of being  a magician, i.e. charging people for services. He hints at this throughout the book, but doesn't comment much on it at any length. That said, however, this book does challenge you to think on the edge of the magical kaostar. I really enjoyed it and will definitely take the suggestions and run with them in my own practice.

4.5 kaostars out of 5.

Researching the Emperor

Reprint of an article I wrote on doing internal work back in 2007. So I mentioned in the first month of the emptiness working that one entity that I ended up working with was The Emperor or Darth Sidious. He's an excellent embodiment of the negative emotions associated with emptiness. Tonight, a friend had linked to a wiki that's exclusively focused on Star Wars and it was quite fascinating to read the character biography of this character. Intriguingly enough the character had apparently written a book called the book of anger. What I found so intriguing was the focus on how the core centers of the body process emotional energies. Given that in some of my meditations the emperor has spoken at great length about anger and how to balance it, it was pleasing to verify that in the creation of this character some work had been put toward how the character conceives of and handles feelings of anger.

Over the years, and even recently I've got a lot of criticism about pop culture characters and how realistic it is to work with said characters. But when I find independent verification of concepts that I'm learning from a pop culture character, it's also verification that there's more to pop culture and it's integration into magic than people realize or may be willing to concede. The disdain and disapproval I have sometimes received is ultimately a reaction to the efficacy of what is being worked with. That I choose to find value and meaning in something many other occultists might never touch has increasingly become a source of strength for me, for it shows me that what other people are willing to close their minds to can be a great source of inspiration if one is willing to allow it to be that. Certainly, my work with anger and its relationship to emptiness has profited by working with the emperor.

The connection between internal work and external reality

Today I got to meet Paul Levy, who kindly enough gave me a copy of his book The Madness of George W. Bush: A Reflection of our collective psychosis. It was a real pleasure to meet Paul...it's clear we are on similar journeys of internal exploration and change. His work with the concept of the awakening dream is really interesting. We both agreed that to see change occur in the external world, we had to change the consensus reality on the internal level and doing that involved a lot of work with meditation, but also with cultivating conscious awareness of our actions and the effect those actions have as well as actively working with the shadow self instead of repressing it. Later today, one of my magical brothers made a post about how people criticized his concern for political issues as a distraction from doing internal work. He rightly noted that doing internal work necessarily should impact the relationship a person has with the external world. That, I might add, includes one's concern and activism with politics. I'll also just say I have the utmost admiration for this person and the charitable and activist work he does. He's one of my role models, actually.

Although I've only skimmed Levy's work, he makes an interesting point when he argues that Bush is a dysfunctional archetypal manifestation of the collective consciousness. His actions and words are representative of the overall psychosis that infects all of us, and yet is representative of the shadow work we all need to do, in order to not let someone like him come into power. He notes similar parallels with Hitler and the Germaqn people manifesting a person who embodied the dysfunctions of the time in his actions and words. Now, frankly I feel that doing internal work is important in terms of changing not only one's own internal landscape, but also the collective consciousness at large...but for that change to really be felt action has to occur in the external. In fact, if you are doing it right, you will find that your internal reality aligns you with the external reality that you not only need to experience, but also that which needs to experience you.

We are connected. The internal work is not divorced from the external work. They are a continuum of interaction. So when someone is doing political activism don't presume to tell him he's not doing his internal work. For all you know that's his external manifestation of that internal work.

My New Years Ritual

Each year, at the beginning of the regular new year, I have a ritual I do. I create a sigil collage with my goals for the year. I first draw sigils on it. Then I'll anoint it with the appropriate body fluids to imbue it with my personal power. I then start cutting up newspapers and magazines and create random messages out of what I cu, all while listening to my personal saint of magic: William S. Burroughs. I do this each year...it's a personal ritual, it's my way of connecting with the spirit of they year to come, and also my way of grounding the past. Review of Sex, Sleep, Eat, Drink, Dream By Jennifer Ackerman

This is a really intriguing book that examines how the physiology of the body changes throughout an entire day. The reader learns a lot more about the different cycles that the body undergoes, which dependent on the time of day as well as how to make his or her habits work around and with the cycle of the body to produce healthier benefits.

What I found particularly fascinating was the detailed look at different parts and functions of the body such as digestion and sleep. As I read this book, I came to appreciate the miracle of my body even more, as well as how I can consciously work with it in order maximize the life I'm living. I definitely think that this book offers a lot of exploration for people who wish to work with their bodies on a conscious level.

5 out of 5.

The latest issue of Rending the Veil is now available, featuring articles, by myself, Lupa, Cat Vincent, and other talented writers.

Some thoughts on attachment, hope, and fear

I've been re-reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart, and while I'm chonicling most of what I'm getting out of reading this book in my entry for the emptiness work, I read a passage that I thought I might share now: For those who want something to hold on to, life is even more inconvenient. From this point of view, theism is an addiction. We're all addicted to hope-hope that the doubt and mystery will go away...The first noble truth of the Buddha is that when we feel suffering, it doesn't mean something is wrong...suffering is part of life, and we don't have to feel it's happening because we personally made the wrong move. In reality, however, when we feel suffering, we think that something is wrong. As long as we're addicted to hope, we feel that we can tone our experience down or liven it up or change it somehow, and we continue to suffer a lot.

and

Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can't simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what's going on, but that there's something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.

When reading this you might think she's incredibly negative, but I actually found what she said to be very helpful in terms of recognizing how my own feelings of hope have many times lead me into some fairly unhappy places because once they weren't realized, I had to deal with the resultant unhappiness of not having them work out. Recently I've been dealing with this persistent feeling of hope about a situation in my life, and yet I realize that feeling is an attachment to a specific outcome that more than likely will not occur. Reading this passage earlier today was like peeling away another layer of onion on that feeling of hope. It's not completely gone, but it is less in strength than before, because I acknowledge on a deeper level that the feeling is doing me no good, and actually causing a lot of suffering.

I think it's incredibly hard to learn to let go of attachment in any form. A person can cling to it, despite the suffering, because there is an odd kind of comfort in the familiar pain the suffering causes. And letting go has a lot of unknowns to it. There is no definite reality, no result, no known...so initially it can be quite scary. Where will I be, where will I go? Better to say here with the familiar, even if it does hurt me. I've thought those very thoughts in the past many a time, and yet each time have found myself liberated and more at peace when I let go and stopped expecting anything. That's one of my current challenges right now and while I haven't quite let go yet, I can feel my grip loosening.

Seems like if you can approach a situation without attachment to an outcome, then that feeling of hope doesn't hold you back as much. I never really thought of hope as attachment until re-reading this section of her writing, but it makes sense, and I can appreciate that now, because I understand how it's held me back from just experiencing the present. So can I apply it now? Inevitably I will.

Talking About The Elephant now available

Our first order of Talking About the Elephant: An Anthology of Neopagan Perspectives on Cultural Appropriation arrived on the doorstep this morning! If you want a copy signed by Lupa and I click the link above.

This is Lupa's very first anthology that she's edited--She's very excited at how well it turned out! Cultural appropriation is one of those things that really doesn't get broached in the neopagan or occult community very often, and just as when she came up with the idea for this anthology last year, she's hoping that this book will help spark some discussion.

Blending my practices

As I continue to evolve my personal magical practice, something which really stands out to me is that the practices and techniques I've learned from various paradigms and belief systems are inevitably becoming blended together. Tonight, for example, I met up with a brother in magic and we discussed ceremonial magic and evocation, Taoist and Tibetan Buddhist meditation techniques, and pathworking methods. We then experimented with my Tesser-act board (which is based on chaos magic) for doing evocation and incorporated some the dissolving techniques we discussed to end with a pathworking. This all worked quite seamlessly together, even though, or perhaps because it was a blending of different esoteric traditions that nonetheless could be of aid to the overall work we did together. While I recognize the importance of being able to distinguish one tradition from another or one methodology from another, I also think it's important to know when to look for complementary connections in those traditions or methodologies in order to fully benefit from them. The effectiveness of a person's practices is dictated to some degree by how that person utilizies the resources s/he has access to. So for me, being able to blend western ceremonial practices with chaos magic and Taoist Dissolving techiques is an effective process. For others it might not be, but from my own observations it does seem that sometimes the main reason a person doesn't blend one practice with another boils down to an issue of being perceived as an eclectic or fluffy practitioner. It's as if each tradition, discipline, etc., should be kept separate in order for the practice to have authenticity. I recognize that doing an eclectic practice for Eclecticism's sake isn't necessarily a good idea and that it's important to study and practice a discipline, tradition, methodology, etc., in and of itself, in order to really understand and appreciate those practices, but I also think there is a place and time for where a person can blend different practices and techniques together in order to benefit from that blend. The effectiveness of that blend will show itself through the mastery of the traditions that the blend originates from. In other words, you need to have a well -rounded foundation in order to pull off a blend of different practices successfully, but the blending of those practices can lead to innovation and experimentation, which in turn can lead people toward learning new skills and methods for helping themselves and others. It's one reason I experiment with magic.

Review of the Fabric of the Cosmos and some thoughts on being a moral person

Book Review: The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene

This is an excellent book on contemporary physics. It is written for a popular audience, but even with that, it is a dense book. However Greene does an excellent job of making the material easier to approach. He uses some pop culture references such as the Simpsons to illustrate and explain the concepts involved in the physics he's discussing. What I enjoyed most, however, is the evident enthusiasm in Greene's work. His enthusiasm consistently made the book more enjoyable and the concepts easier to understand.

I highly recommend picking this book if you want to learn more about physics, or if you're interested in how science can inform your spiritual practices. I found it useful in helping me understanding some of the finer details involved in quantum mechanics and how time and space work from a physics perspective.

5 out 5.

I've started reading Confucius: The Analects. Vince Stevens recommended I check his work out, especially given some of my interests in looking at occultism from different angles outside of the rebel archetype. So far, I've just been reading the introduction, but the passages already stand out to me:

Behind Confucious' pursuit of the ideal moral character lies the unspoken, and therefore, unquestioned, assumption that the only purpose a man can have and also the only worthwhile thing a man can do is to become as good a man as possible. This is something that has to be pursued for its own sake and with complete indifference to success or failure.

and

Love for people outside one's family is looked upon as an extension of the love for members of one's own family. One consequence of this view is that the love, and so the obligation to love, decreases by degrees as it extends outwards...our obligations towards others should be in proportion to the benefit we have received from them.

I left some of the examples in the second quote, but reading both passages was interesting because while I found myself in agreement with the first passage, I had a definite knee jerk reaction to the second. nonetheless on further reflection about the second passage I could certainly see the point of the author and agree with it as well, mainly because I see this particualr pattern demonstrated in this culture all the time.

The first passage speaks a lot to my current spiritual journey, with the focus being on a process of change with no definite result in mind, so much as a desire to become what and who I can become as a result of going through that process. If it seems odd that I don't have a specific result nailed down, it's because I realize that having a specific result would necessarily diminish the opportunities and possibilities I can experience as I undergo this journey. In fact, that speaks to the weakness of result oriented magic...The focus is so heavily on the result that the process isn't fully explored or experimented with. But what could that process tell you if you did explore it? So no specific result...I'm involved in a process of change, with indifference to success or failure in any traditional sense of the words. Perhaps the lack of concern about success or failure is what makes all of this efficacious. There's no external standard or bar to compare myself to, no definite end of the journey or a sense of completion. It just is...and so am I and the only constant in that is change...it's a process of change, and whatever results arise out of that change ultimately feed right back into the process, and so have meaning only as a context to the process.

The second quote, in reflecting on it...I see it in the cliques, family structures, etc. The degree of separation definitely impacts how people treat each other and/or the willingness of said people to help (and harm) each other. I can see how the benefit cycle influences how people treat each other...It goes back to the concept of give to get. You give, in order to get benefits. It's an eminently practical method of handling social relationships. The idealist in me cringes, and yet I see the same behavior repeated in myself and others. If you belong to x subculture and so do I, the chances of us helping each other is increased because of that connection. Granted, that increase may be minor, but it is still present. Obviously as you get to know people better, and incorporate them into a friend, tribe, or family structure what you are willing to do for those people increases as well. I see this behavior in everyone. I don't think I know anyone who falls outside of it. And I recognize it as a survival strategy, something which has worked really well for humans for who knows how long. Is there a way to get past that survival pattern? Do we really want to? I'm not sure...I had my kneejerk reaction, but as I think about it more, it makes a lot more sense. I'll be curious to see what further reading yields and I'll be sure to share it with the rest of you.

A wealth magic article, a book review, and body paint

An article on wealth and magic on Reality Sandwich I've already gotten some interesting comments on it. I hope that it gets people to think about what wealth is to them and how they manifest it. I also think there's more to explore there...I may do so in a follow up article down the line.

Review of Meta Magick: The Book of ATEM by Phil Farber

Meta-Magick is an intriguing book which presents readers with an opportunity to create not one entity, but actually a number of entities based off of principles such as attention, passion, trance, language, making, and Fitting. Additionally Farber provides 36 exercises which can be used by people to learn how to integrate these principles into their lives.

Farber also focuses on eight powers: Communication, neuroplasticity, transformation, transmission, beauty, understanding, balance, and opening. The book doesn't overtly focus on these powers much...instead the focus is more subtle. You will experience them through doing the exercises in the book, which is what the author intended.

Meta-magick definitely is not intended to be something intellectually read, so much as it is intended to be experienced and worked with. You will get a lot of leverage out of this book if you do the exercises in them. It's an excellent book to introduce people to magic, but is also good for intermediate to advanced practitioners.

5 out of 5

I did some work with body paints tonight. I find body paints to be intimate as well as beautiful. I use body paints a fair amount in my magic as a way of connecting with spirits, but also connecting with my body and its consciousness. I recommend the body paints which can be washed off with water and soap...you can find them at costume shops fairly easily.

A day of ritual work

Right now Portland is experiencing an unexpected snow storm, which has pretty much shut down the ability to travel in the city. I'm not one to spend my time idly, however. So I decided to do some ritual workings today and have another I'll be joining astrally later tonight for the solstice. I first decided to the second invocation of Atem from Meta-Magick: The Book of Atem by Phil Farber. In the second invocation you create a magical circle in which you anchor specific attributes of attention, passion, fitting, trance, language, and making into the formation of the circle. These attributes are used to form the entity of ATEM. By anchoring the attributes into a physical space, the magician not only creates ATEM, but also utilizes a physical space for Atem and the associated entities of the attributes to reside in. It's a clever approach. I like how it ultimately utilizes the physical environment of the person to create a space where ATEM resides, strengthening the connection it has with the person working with it.

I also did another space/time Tarot invocation of my future self, as well as the evocation of Thiede, Purson, the spider goddess of time, and Xah. I've thought about the role those entities have in this type of working. Thiede is my Space/Time guardian spirit, Purson is finder of potential, and the spider goddess is the weaver of those possibilities into reality. Xah, as my personal Daemon, is both the future self I invoke and also the fox spirit that walks alongside me whenever I walk the silver strands of the web of time. With this working I did my invocation and evocations and then invoked Xah, entering into a trance wherein I could interface with all of the entities while letting my future self shuffle the cards of the second deck. It felt odd to shuffle the cards and yet be in a trance...the movement was much less directed, so the shufflking continued for a while...It actually helped increase the trance. The working itself showed me the steps I needed to take...a lot of it being confirmation of some situations in my life...so I think for the meantime, I'll likely hold back on doing further space/time tarot work until those situations are fully taken care of.

Tonight, I'm going to take a ritual bath and use music, chanting, and trance work to synch in with the solstice working...and enjoy relaxing in the comfort of my home while doing it.

Tea Time

My mom is visiting me for this week and today we drove down to Stash Tea to check out their store there. There are a wide variety of teas there. I plan on going back there some time and picking some up, but my mom was kind enough to pick me up some today called Pu-Erh, which is a Chinese Tea. apparently it's a tea which helps the digestion of fatty foods and helps people lose weight. I found that intriguing from a purification perspective and thought I might pick it up. I'm contemplating adding tea to some of my rituals, in terms of setting tone and also as a ritual fluid of sorts. I've used some teas and other liquids before as a way of setting the tone of a meditation, so there's no reason I couldn't do so now. Plus with the wide variety of teas at the store, there's a chance to sample different substances and see how they effect one's sense of physiology.

On a completely different, I find it intriguing that I can tell my mom about some of my spiritual practices without any rancor occurring. I told her about my elemental year long workings in some depth and it felt good to be able to talk with her and share some of my spiritual journeys with her. That's something I've never been able to do before.

My Magical Room

I just moved into a larger place. And one of the perks of said larger place is that I have my own room now. I like having my own space, always have and so knowing I was moving into a new place, where I could have my own room, I immediately began planning for how I could manifest that room, where I would want to put things etc. I want to eventually manifest a futon for it, as a meditation mat and also for other purposes that may occasionally arise. But even without that I have my temple. I finished putting it together tonight. Tomorrow I'll do my first working in it, to set the tone of the room for every other working that occurs there.

I did take some pictures, partially because one of my dearest friends had requested it, but also because it's novel to me that I can show people my space, and have it be my own space.

The book case altar. All of the books on it are ones I'm planning to read in the near future, or they contain exercises and experiments I want to do. Most of these books are related to current projects I'm working on.

My altar. Yes it's a table with a chess set enlayed in it. In front of it is my dagger consecrated to Babalon and a candle as well. I've also got some space/time magic tools. The stone eggs are also tools...some of the oldest ones I've had.

My musical area. I've got a sound machine, some bells, and cds of William S Burroughs spoken word. Burroughs is one of my spiritual saints and also one of the magicians I've always respected.

This is where I keep my art supplies. I consider my art to be a potent expression of my magic. I have body paints and water color paints, glue, and I need to find my pair of scissors for the collages. I have a couple of paintings, gift from friends and admirers there as well. The mirror is also there, because I consider it a doorway to art.

The north wall. I've got my painting to Babalon, Thiede, Purson, and also a scroll featuring Guan Yu on the wall. All of these are dieties/entities I work with.

The west contains a painting on the ceiling I use for journeying, my painting dedicated to love, a mask, and several other paintings, which I'm not going to speak of beyond saying they have personal meaning to me.

The South. The red mask is one I've had for a while. The painting on the left is to Xah my Genius Daemon spirit. The one on the right is personal.

The East Wall. The painting on the left contains a symbol chart for the Dehara system. The painting on the right is the phoenix. I identifiy strongly with the life-death-Rebirth cycle. Actually the tapestry in them iddle is part of that too (and would you believe I've had it for over ten years). The elephant is Ganesh. Even has a broken tusk.

So that's my magical room. Of course it won't be really magical until I do my first working in it, but I've set the atmosphere up. Lupa told me it feels comfortable in there, which is as it should be. I like a space, which is comfortable, and I generally do a fair amount of work with the energy of a room to create that sense of comfort as well.

Free Ebooks by Pascal Beverley Randolph

I've mentioned PBR before. Here's a link to some free e-books. Good opportunity to learn more about his style of magical practice.