Elemental Balancing Ritual Creativity Month 6


3-24-2019 I had a realization today about my passive aggressive behavior. When I am passive aggressive its because I’m in a situation where I don’t feel like I’m in control. The passive aggression is a way to try and get that control back or undermine it for the other person. When I trace this behavior to its origins, I find it goes back to my childhood because I wasn’t allowed to express my feelings of anger or anything else along those lines without getting punished.

Having this realization is helping me look at situations where I don’t feel like I have control and helping me see how that behavior is coming out. And its helping me realize I do have a choice. I can choose how I express my feelings. I can choose to be passive aggressive or I can choose to be direct, even in situations where I may not feel I have control.

3-27-2019 There are moments when my dad’s death hits me all over again and I feel a fresh wave of grief that he’s gone. I’m told it typically takes a year for a person’s death to sink in and that seems to be accurate. Last night we were discussing what to do with the inheritance based on advice I’d gotten that a financial adviser and afterwards all I could really think was how much I’d rather be talking with my dad as opposed to talking about what to do with the money he left me. But he is gone and what I can do is grieve and acknowledge that loss and be grateful for the gifts he’s left me.

3-30-2019 I’m currently working on my new fiction website. I’ve decided to create a separate site so the branding is distinct, but its an interesting challenge to figure out all over again what I’ll write, both for the site and the books. I’ll admit to feeling a bit intimidated by the whole process. Part of creative work is stretching yourself in new directions and that’s what I’m doing by not just writing my fiction, but also publishing it. Can I do it? The only way to find out is to actually do it.

3-31-2019 I’ll admit I’m surprised at how vulnerable I feel about publishing my fiction. Some of the jitters are normal with the release of any book, but this is different. I feel on edge, perhaps because I’m putting myself and my work out there in a completely new way. But I’m still going through with it, because its part of what I’ve been called to manifest.

4-2-2019 My dad’s death is hitting me all over again. It probably doesn’t help that there’s some messy family dynamics involved. I miss him and yet at the same time I just wish he hadn’t complicated our lives so much. It makes me realize how important it is to make a very clear cut path for when I die for those who follow, not that things will necessarily be so complicated. No children of my own beyond the step kids. My main concerns is finding an heir to my intellectual rights, but I have time for that. But I feel overwhelmed by everything, by the loss of my father, and by the wake of that loss.

4-4-2019 I’m realizing that the anger I feel toward my father is around not feeling in control. When I was growing up I had to repress my feelings because if I expressed my anger, the result was getting hit, punished and mentally abused. Now of late, there are decisions being made around his estate, where I have no control over those decisions and it brings me back to being a little kid with no control over my environment, and having decisions that I don’t agree with, for my own good, by people I don’t want making those decisions. So its triggering a lot of anger toward dad because this is his mess that I’m having to deal with and I’m not getting any say in it, beyond deal with it. No thanks…

4-5-2019 I did the sphere of art yesterday around these feelings. It was very helpful, because the archangels were able to help me mediate the emotions and get some clarity on what I was feeling. I mixed in some Taoist water meditation and that helped me also with the emotions. I think I’ll continue that work for the next little bit so I can continue to find resolution with these emotions.

4-8-2019 Continued work with the sphere of art and several heart to heart discussions have helped me get a handle on everything I’m feeling. A weekend away in a different place helped just clear out everything. Sometimes you have to go far away in order to come back to yourself.

4-10-2019 The joy of creativity is the expression of the work you’ve been called to do. This week I launched my fiction website and by the end of the month I plan to release my first fiction work. What amazes me about all of it is how everything has come together to create this moment. Truly I am blessed by the element of creativity.

4-11-2019 I’m reading Mystical Words of Power by Damon Brand. I’ve been seeing his name around for a while and thought I’d pick up one of his books. It’s an interesting book and I find that I agree with some of it and other parts I have issues with ranging from a shallow explanation of how the magical technique works to erroneous beliefs about the relationships spirits have with practitioners. Still the fact that the book is getting me to think and explore is valuable so I appreciate the perspective it provides in that light.

4-15-2019 I’ve promised myself that I’ll never sugarcoat magic, never pretend its something it isn’t. It’s become very apparent to me that some people have no problem doing just that. I think when we simplify something to the point where people don’t understand what they are doing, we dilute it and I see that occurring with some of the work that’s available out there on magic.

On a different note, I think that creativity is best supported by having a system in place that creates routines out of a person’s life. Or at least for me it works that way. The systems I’ve built into my life have helped me focus more on my creativity than what happened when I had previously didn’t have those systems in place.

4-16-2019 Tonight I worked with the sphere of art, and I set the alchemical materials up as the quabalistic tree of life glyph. I then meditated on it. What I observed was a dynamic feeling of all the energies that had been shaped by the working. It was fascinating to feel and I look forward to experimenting with it further. What stands out to me is that once you’ve created the working, you do have this passive experience of the energies that can be called on when you do something relevant to them. Something to consider with further work.

4-19-2019 I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night. There’s a lot on my mind and heart, with my father’s death and everything spinning out from it, but also the logistics of handling a relationship and not always showing up the way your partner wants you too. The former can only be resolved over time and the latter requires persistence and communication. I can only do the best I can do in the moment and give it my best effort.