Elemental Balancing Ritual Stability Month 11


8-24-2018 I was reading Expert Secrets by Russell Brunson and I had this realization about how I messed up last year. I hadn't built a shared vision or a sense of community. I had tried to, but I had missed something he spoke about. Sitting with that realization was hard. At first I wanted to beat myself up for not having that realization earlier and then I began to wonder if I should try and do something with this realization. And then I took a deep breath and I realized that if I do anything with it, I should focus on what I'm doing now, not try to fix the past. I should learn from my mistakes (as I have been), not try to frantically fix them. And I should look forward and move forward with renewed purpose about what really matters to me, but also remember that I still have time. 

Last year I would have tried to do something that likely wouldn't have worked. A year later, I can see the mistakes and learn from them and take action in a way that actually is truly beneficial, instead of just reacting. And that's because of stability.

8-27-2018 I've been thinking a lot about a conversation I had on Saturday where several different people confirmed something important to me: That how a person behaves to people around me is as important as how they behave toward me. The way someone treats the people around you can speak volumes as to who that person really is. It's another way for me to evaluate the intentions of a person and this, I think, is a healthy realization for me and another way to take care of my community as well as myself.

9-1-2018 I'll be wrapping up stability in October. It feels like the right time to do it, precisely because I've spent so much time getting my the foundation of my life redone. I think knowing when to stop something and move on is its own form of stability. It isn't usually seen that way, but the price of persisting without making sure you're going in the right direction is burn out. Having been there, I can tell you its no fun.

9-3-2018 There comes a point in time where you are trying to achieve something and you hit the same barrier again and again and there's no way around it. You can keep trying to overcome that barrier, or you can take it as a sign and make the most of where you're at, while looking for other opportunities. I've decided on the latter today. I've been applying for tech writing positions for exactly a year now and nothing has come of it. So I've decided to make the most of the circumstances I'm in and focus my efforts only on my writing at this point. I've got a job and it works for what it is. More importantly I have direction and focus on doing something I love and I am seeing favorable results in that direction. This is another lesson in stability for me, because at one time I'd just keep bashing my head against the wall, and now that's not something I'll do anymore.

I realized something recently. If it doesn't come easily easy to you, its not worth struggling for. I'd rather focus on what comes easily to me and find my fortune that way than continue to struggle. I've done more than enough of that and have no need for anymore of it.

What's really important is the magic and the writing. I've always made space for magic in my life, but ironically in some ways I'm only now making space for writing. One of the challenges this last year has continually caused me to face is evaluating what's important and what's not important. I've gradually been letting what's not important fall away in order to discover what is important and it always comes back to the magic and writing. In the time that is my own that's what I want to be doing.

To discover stability you have to give away what brings instability. It's not been easy, but it has been liberating.

9-5-2018 I resigned from Immanion Press today and I'll be getting the rights to my books back at the end of this month. I've been with Immanion for 15 years. It's a hard choice to make, but a good one. I learned a lot there, but I'm ready to stretch my wings and go in some different directions. For me its also another example of letting go in order to find stability, simplifying my life in order to make room for what's most important. And what's most important is my journey and my writing.

9-9-2018 It seems fitting that I'm revising all the books I've published with Immanion and revising them and redoing the layout. I've taken them back under my wing so to speak and now its time to get them prepped one last time for what will hopefully be the last time ever. Odd as it might seem this is as much stability work as anything else. I'm getting everything wrapped up so I can really start exploring my creativity.

9-10-2018 There are days, still, where I am afraid, where I wonder what am I going to do, where am I going, etc. Those days are becoming fewer, but they still strike. I don’t have easy answers either, because while I’ve figured out that yes writing is an integral part of what I’m supposed to be doing, there’s also that desire to use my other skills, the coaching etc, for something that can help other people. But I’m stuck at a place of what that should look like. And I don’t have readily apparent answers. I don’t know that going back and trying business coaching is the answer, for example, even though I did help clients with their business issues. What I have to remind myself is that I don’t need to have all the answers right now. I don’t need to know what I should do. I just need to keep asking, keep being open to opportunity and keep trusting that as I continue to process what’s happened, I’ll also uncover what can happen. It’s not easy, but I know if I keep asking something will present itself.

9-14-2018 I think something this year has taught me is how to find contentment in circumstances where things aren’t ideal. At work, I find myself relaxing into the work and enjoying it. It’s not what I’ll do for the rest of my life, but for where I’m at it works and being able to be at peace with that is important to me because it also lets me find serenity in the moment. This work with stability has helped me come to places deep within myself and provide those places something I never had before: A subtle recognition that regardless of what’s going on or what I’m doing, I will find a way forward. I don’t need to cling to the moment. I can let go, be with the moment and let it carry me to the next.

9-17-2018 This weekend I was at the Esoteric Book Conference or whatever its called now. Its the last one I’ll ever vend at, and it felt good to wrap up there. At the same time, today, I felt a sense of uprootedness. Here I was uprooting the last bit of my occult author life as I knew it. Now I’m in uncharted territory, though I’m slowly but surely charting it and figuring it out. I feel like my entire plate has been cleared of any obligations to anyone else. Now it’s just me and the writing and whatever else I’m called to.

On the drive back, Kat and I talked about creativity. I told her I had a new rule: I will only do anything that I am 100% behind creatively. If I feel like something is pulling away from my creativity I won’t do it. She asked me to unpack that in regards to everything that happened the last couple years.

Unpacking it made me realize that wen I started focusing on the online classes and marketing, that’s when I stopped enjoying my businesses. I enjoyed coaching and I enjoy writing and magical experimentation and I just need to focus on those things, and let the rest go. I had to learn it the hard way but at least I’ve learned it.

9-20-2018 I feel like since I cleaned my plate of everything that was weighing me down, now all I have in front of me is what I need to focus on. It is liberating for my creativity and my sense of happiness. Perhaps what’s best is how I’m also starting to see some more synchronicities in my life. I think everything weighing me down was also cutting me off from the creative flow.

I also finished reading A Beginners Guide to Living Kabbalah by William Gray today. It’s really not a beginner’s guide. If anything it shows some amazing and brilliant insights from someone far ahead of his time. Makes me feel like I’m in good company especially as I apply his work to my own to advance the craft we both love.

9-21-2018 I’ve decided what’s most important, why I will do everything I will do from here out. It’s about freedom, to think, imagine, act, without the constraints of others getting in the way. Simplify everything to find your focus and make that focus your reality.