Why I choose to use my name publically

When I was eighteen, I was outed from the broom closet by the parents of a friend. I remember coming home and being told by my mom that I had a half hour to either burn my books or move out. I had no job, half a tank of gas, and was in high school, so I opted to burn the books, though I hid the ones I hadn't read. I remember she even made me burn my books of magic comic series just because it had the word magic in it. I also remember feeling shame for my choice and a week later telling her that if she ever made me make that choice again I would disown her. Half a year later, still eighteen, I remember getting a phone call from one of the parents of that friend. He threatened to kill me and sang hymns, telling me how I was damned to hell for my beliefs. I told him I had a crossbow bolt for him and called the police. He didn't call after the police had called him, but those two experiences helped me realize something fundamental: Hiding my beliefs wasn't the answer. By hiding my beliefs I encouraged the very ignorance those people displayed toward me. I determined that I would never hide my beliefs. I wrote my books using my name, regardless of what professional or personal consequences might occur, because I knew that it was more important to be transparent than to hide what I believe because of the ignorance and fear of others.

Fast forward to the present. I am kinky, poly, and an occultist. I'm also a self-employed business and social media consultant. If you google my name you'll find a mixture of all of these realities in the search results. I was told recently by a business mentor that several people felt the dragon on my business site was occultish. I doubt they'd actually searched my name, but I recall telling her that if they were that freaked out by the logo then they'd be even more freaked out by my beliefs.

Ironically, perhaps, I've encountered people in the business world that have told me that they also practice magic...so perhaps my openness has encouraged them to be more open as well. What I do know is this: By choosing to be open about my beliefs I feel that I'm making a statement of integrity and hopefully educating the ignorant in the process that my beliefs do not destine for hell or make me an unsuitable person in any other way, shape, or form.

I will never hide my choices or who I am, to make it convenient for someone else. If you choose not to do business with me because of my spiritual and lifestyle choices, or choose to judge me because of your own inadequacies, it's not my problem. I cannot and will not lessen myself for any person or business just to coddle their sense of reality. I'd rather people accepted me for who I am, and while in the course of my business day, I don't blatantly advertise my lifestyle choices and beliefs, if the conversation comes up I don't hide it either. Because when we choose to hide, that's when we lose.

A reflection on God of War

I've been playing God of War 1 and 2 in preparation for the release of God of War 3, out later this month. There are two elements of this game that always stand out to me. First, just how much the game draws from the cheesy 1970's movies. Even the monsters look like claymation, which I personally think is cool. Having watched those movies when I grew up, I have a fine pop culture appreciation of what GOW is based off of. But the other element that always stand out to me is what I consider to be the extremely accurate depiction of the capricious nature of the Greek gods. If you read the myths about the gods, they as often punish as they reward and even the gifts they give are ultimately double-edged. For me, a game such as GOW is an opportunity to retell and reconnect with such beings.

And that is really the power of contemporary technology. It provides us new ways to connect with old paradigms, and at the same time births something new, which comes to be as evocative as what had already been there. It's not that GOW is a better version of the Greek myths (far from it) but rather a reinterpretation, with a new kind of interaction provided as well. And there can be something magic in that...all depends on the perspective you bring to it.

Tattoos as magical oaths

I was looking at the green wolf paw tattoo that I got shortly after Lupa and I got married. We're getting divorced now, but it never once occurred to me to get the tattoo removed. In fact, I intend to keep it, because it's a very significant tattoo to me, as are all my other ones. I consider my body to be the most powerful magical "tool" I have. It is a physical embodiment of my life, and a record of that living. When I get a tattoo on my body, I am placing a record of a significant even, entity, or person in my life, but also taking a magical oath in relationship to that event, entity, or person, as it pertains to my life.

My first tattoo is a red orange phoenix with my symbol on it. I got it to signify my choice to move from the East to the West, to signify a Rebirth in my life. It marks my choice to rebirth my life completely and its fair to say since moving to the West coast, I have rebirthed my life in ways I couldn't even imagine.

My second Tattoo is the Green Wolf Paw, with an L in it. It represents Lupa. I got it because I wanted to mark in my skin the permanence of my relationship with Lupa. While we're no longer romantic partners and will soon be divorced, Lupa is a significant person in my life. She will always be in my life, in some capacity just by the fact that we wrote a book together. I'm comfortable with that idea.

My third Tattoo is a Blue Dragon. The Blue Dragon represents PDX and Northern Oregon. It's a magical oath that signifies the recognition that Portland and the surrounding area is my home and a place I intend to live for the rest of my life. While I have admittedly not visited many other countries, I have been all over the US and this is the one place that has always felt like home.

My fourth Tattoo is a pair of eyes and a phrase: From 0 to 1. It represents the year of emptiness work, my connection with my highest self and my vow to recognize and appreciate emptiness, instead of trying to fill it. From 0 to 1 also signifies the choice to manifest possibility into pro-activity, instead of reactivity.

All of these tattoos are powerful for me. They are something I can't remove, because even if I did remove them, something would be left. They are a record of my life, but also oaths I've taken. I've only realized that recently in a fully conscious way, but this recognition speaks mindfully to me of the choices I've made in my life.

Working with Purson part 1

Tonight I did my first working with Purson, who is a goetic Daimon of Time, and is also the guardian of time in my elemental time work. I first asked Elephant if I could open the gates of time and space and he allowed me to do so. Then I called to Purson. I had the painting of his Seal on my right and the image of him in the Goetia on my left, with the Memory Box, in front of me. I placed my hands on the memory box, and journeyed into the spider web of time, where I encountered him. He was riding the bear and he blew his horn the silver gossamer strands of time vibrated in the sound.

He asked me if I understood the purpose of space and I explained I did, that each point of space represented a place, and that space itself was stillness not move. He told me then that time is the movement through space and that we move from space to space through time.

I felt a sense of movement in myself and he told me that was the silver strands of time. Each strand represents a multitude of possibilities, and when it is vibrated some of those possibilities can be accessed and turned into reality. That process occurs through the melding of the movement of time, to spacial stillness, which grounds the possibility into reality.

I saw then all these strands as webbing across spatial nodes, a spider web of time, where webbing could be sent in any direction to reach any nodal spatial point. Purson told me it was our linear limitations that made us think of time as a straight line, as a 2d experience, when it's really a multi-dimensional movement of possibility. He also told me that it was important to vibrate strands of time gently, not to force it, but rather to use just the slightest touch or sound, and then blew his horn to demonstrate, the sound rippling onward and onward and onward, never fading so much as changing our perceptions of it, because of how it changed the movement of time.

I thought then of Cerontis, my time entity and he said that what Cerontis did was act as a gravity well for the strands of time, directing them toward me. I had the perception then of these silver strands in my hands, wrapped around them, and that I didn't even need to move my hands to vibrate, but could gently direct my awareness to a given strand and start the process of movement that would generate the possibilities that I would want to manifest at a spatial node. After that Purson told me we'd work more later, but to meditate for now on what I learned and I realized as well he'd sent some of this information to me this past week, because I'd already been thinking along these lines, but now all the pieces fit together.

Entity Communication

I occasionally get emails from fans of my books and I've decided that when I do, and if the question is interesting enough, I'll answer it on here. In this case I was asked about how I communicate with entities, and more specifically what the process is for communicating with an entity.

My approach to communicating with entities is determined in part by what it is I want to accomplish with the entity's aid, and also what it is I'm willing to give in return. And no, I'm not thinking of a faustian deal, so much as a recognition that the reality of any relationship is one where both (or more) parties need to agree to contribute something of value in order to make the relationship worthwhile. Once I've determined what I want, and what I will give, then I figure out the method of communication.

The method of communication can be standard methods of invocation or evocation, or a personalized method. For example, I will invoke an entity into me, and then ask that it help me paint the gift I will give it, in return for its services. So I use invocation, but also create the gift, which usually ends up acting as a device for evoking the entity down the line.

Communication consequently involves a combination of action, intention, and for me some degree of mental telepathy with said entity. I tend to have a dialogue in my mind when working with a given entity. That dialogue allows us both to communicate with each other, reach our agreement and then move on from there.

For further reading about my approach to entity work, I recommend reading Multi-Media Magic, which discusses my approaches to invocation and evocation at length.

Space is the place

Tonight I chose to work With Thiede, my guide for space. Anyone who is familiar with the character of Thiede from the Wraeththu series will remember that he's character who is able to alter the awareness of space and time, to put people into different spaces. Tonight I chose to do my first working to him, in the context of the element of space. It was a very interesting working. He just had me meditate on the concept of space without trying to apply movement to it. He told me that the inclination with space is to apply some kind of movement or activity to fill it up, or to associate it with time to give it a sense of movement, but that such associations may be incorrect and more so the result of human perception and the need to do something with space (and Edward Hall alludes to this very issue in his work on space and culture). Meditating on space without defining it, experiencing it is so different because it suddenly treats space as an entity unto itself, instead of as a background or something to be filled or moved in. In fact, in one sense Space can't really be moved in, so much as it can be moved around. I don't know how else to put that. I'm sure further meditations will provide more clarity.

What I came away with is a different awareness of space. I'll be doing more meditations, and may make the dancing I do tonight part of the experience of space from this new perspective that Thiede has gifted me with.

On a different note, I was struck to today how easily we create stories and perceptions about other people that aren't remotely true. That someone who seems successful might be suffering a lot more than how s/he displays it...just how private a person's world can be, and what may never be noticed unless you actually begin to interact with that person (and even though how much will you really know?).

Laban, and a meeting with my Anima

I've been reading Laban for all, which is a book that describes the dance techniques of Rudolf Laban. I was introduced to it by Bill Whitcomb. We both find the mapping of the movement of the body to be fascinating. Last night I decided to try out the basic steps for Laban. What stood out to me about the experience was how much attention I needed to pay to each of the steps I was doing. I know that as time goes on, muscle memory helps a person incorporate the movements so that s/he doesn't have to think about the movements, but I felt the experience was useful last night for helping me really sit in my body. I've been finding that incorporating more physical body awareness into my ritual work has been essential for the identity work I'm doing, and most importantly for getting past cultural memes that otherwise influence how the body is perceived and interacted with.

In complement of that I've also been working through some of the exercises in the Eight Circuit Brain. Last night, after doing the steps, I talk a salt water bath and then did a meditation visit with my concept of the Anima. I'm going to continue down that particular route because there's some work I wish to do with it. Meeting with the Anima proved useful because I was able to recognize that it is from my concept of her that in some ways I've based my understanding of the opposite sex. So how better to examine those beliefs than to do so with her? I've found myself dealing with a recurrent issue of idealization and according to Antero Alli, working with the anima directly is the best way to deal with such idealization. Last night's first visit did seem helpful for that purpose. I could place that idealization on the Anima, without having to bring it back with me.

The Atlantic

While I was visiting family for the Holidays, one of the happy circumstances I was able to get was a chance to reconnect with the Atlantic ocean. The Atlantic is different from the Pacific ocean. More inviting for one thing, but also, for me, its pretty significant because I made an offering to it long ago. I gave it something important to me as a way of connecting with it's elemental power. So when I saw the Atlantic for the time in quite a few years, I felt an instant recognition of that bond. It was a sensation of coming home, in its own way. I did a little ritual to the Atlantic the first day I was there to honor that recognition.

Sometimes that's what magic is about...that recognition of significance, that celebration of connection,that realization of history in one's life. For me, visiting the Atlantic was exactly that and very magical as a result.

Some thoughts on pop culture personas

I was in Vegas this last weekend and got to see Criss Angel perform. If you don't know who Criss Angel, he is a really popular stage magician. He's been on a couple shows and does some really good performances. He's also quite a favorite of the ladies. The next day I went to a signing he was doing with a friend of mine and it was interesting because when she got to him, he mentioned how tired he looked and how if he took his sunglasses off, he looked like crap and she told him that he'd never look that way. And what was so interesting about that exchange was that Criss the person might feel like crap, but to this fan, my friend, the pop culture persona of Criss could not ever look like or feel like crap...and it was that persona she wanted to interact with, that idealized version of Criss as opposed to the very real person of Criss who was tired and felt like crap that day. To me this exchange demonstrates a fundamental truth of pop culture magic, as applied to celebrities, which is that what fans interact with isn't the real person, but rather the idealized persona god-form of the celebrity. The fan interacts with the celebrity, but not so much with the real person. So Criss, for example, is tired and tells this person that, but to her, he can't be tired or look anything other than how she wants to see him...so what she's interacting with is Criss the pop culture entity, as opposed to Criss the person.

The peril of celebrity is that it creates an entity which is the celebrity persona, who is different from the real person. And it is the celebrity persona entity that ends up taking over most of the interactions that this person has. Fed into this persona is all the expectations and desires of the fans. This persona consequently is the shadow of the real person and can have quite an effect on the real person, in terms of behavior, because that person is trying to live up to fan expectations via the effect the persona has on him/her. There is a stress or pressure on the person that is created by the celebrity persona entity, which is fed by the desires of the fans. Ultimately the behavior of the celebrity can be influenced by those same fans to some degree, because its what feeds the celebrity persona entity.

Some thoughts on genetic memory

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed 2 lately, and one of the elements of the game is the ability of the main character to access his ancestor’s genetic memories in order to learn skills from them. I think it’s an interesting idea. I don’t know how viable it is, if only because the genetic code will be different, but you’re not really becoming the person, so much as you’re accessing the genetic information that the person contributed, and within that information could perhaps be also all the memories of that person. Is it far-fetched? Maybe, but the idea is interesting, and could be worth exploring. If a person is able to access the memories of ancestors and learn skills from said ancestors, it could be an interesting exploration of memory and space/time magic. So I might experiment with it. I get a lot of my ideas about magic from unconventional sources, such as video games, but I find that being open to those ideas has really helped me out both in terms of magical experimentation and also for writing purposes. And unconventional ideas can lead to innovation in magical practice, which is essential for progress. I don’t know if this idea will bear fruit. Some of my ideas don’t, but its worth trying out and I have some idea of how I’ll implement it. I’m thinking the mind machine will be very helpful as an interface of sorts. More later, once I’ve tried it.

Sped Limt: A Case Study in Entity Evolution

I've always found it fascinating how chaos magicians will get rid of an entity when it evolves. We're told that such an evolution is dangerous, because the entity will potentially get out of our control. I've never really agreed with that stance. Why go to all the trouble of creating an entity if you get rid of it when it gets better at what it does? The concern, as I understand it, is that if an entity evolves, it could evolve past your control and start to use you. I think the issue revolves around control, and yet I think such control is ultimately an illusion. I prefer creating mutually beneficial relationships, including with the entities I create, and if those entities I evolve I don't think the issue is too complex in terms of how to handle that evolution. It just comes down to continuing to develop a mutually beneficial relationship with respect on both sides...and if you treat your entity with respect then its not really an issue.

I created Sped Limt about four and a half years ago, maybe a bit longer. I used a dragon pendant for his home. I wanted an entity that would make me aware of cop traps and help me stay aware of the speed limit. Every time I saw a cop car I thanked Sped Limt for shredding its invisibility for me. Over time Sped Limt evolved. He helped me be more aware of any government vehicles, helped me navigate around accidents, construction, and busy traffic. He also protected himself from thieves the one time the car was broken into. And so I realized he had evolved and I gave him a second pendant.

Recently I was pulled over by a cop. Lest you think it was Sped Limt's failure, it was in truth my own, but Sped Limt came in handy again. I was polite to the cop, and after he went to look over my license and paperwork, I thanked Sped Limt as I always did and also decided to see if he could influence the situation so I only got a warning.  Lo and behold I did only get a warning and while being polite and admitting I sped probably helped, I also think Sped Limt put his influence in as well. So I'm getting him another pendant.

I've got a lot of respect for what Sped Limt can do and how much easier he makes my life. The entity has clearly evolved over time and I'm perfectly comfortable with that as well. It's a relationship. We take care of each other. He's changed, but even those changes have ultimately helped me as much as they do him. We both benefit. I have respect for that.

I think of Sped Limt as an objective entity. I created him, but he is his own being. I have no objective "proof" beyond his evolution, which primarily has occurred without my direct input. Some could claim he's just a subjective expression of my mind, a way of being able to relate to the dangers of the road, but such an analysis is ultimately based off human perception and subjectivity. Just as I can't necessarily prove that Sped Limt is an objective entity, it can't be proved he's subjective either. And I find the notion of him being a psychological construct much more boring, because its solipsistic and narrow, and based on a perception that limits consciousness to human, as if there could never be other forms of consciousness.

Sped Limt has evolved in large part to address situations that weren't originally included in the initial creation of him. That evolution has becoming increasingly sophisticated, allowing him to deal with new situations. And as that evolution has occurred my relationship with him has changed to acknowledge the evolution. The pendants are gifts and also acknowledgment...respect. And it seems to work. I haven't had to get rid of him, or dissolve him, or otherwise try and control him. We've just continued to develop our relationship.

Atheism and magic

I've noticed with some interest an increasing intersection of Atheism and magic. A number of magicians I know have mentioned they are atheists. I see some of this rise in Atheism as a result of the psychologizing of magic, wherein magical practices and results are explained from a psychological perspective. When such a perspective is applied to spirits, entities, and gods, they are explained as psychological constructs, and as such no longer possess an objective existence. Instead they are subjectivities of the human experience or representations of deep constructs given a form and mannerism that's easy to interact with. I can see the appeal of such a model, and also why it's lead to an atheistic perspective. I can also understand the appeal of atheism in terms of the rationalistic perspective it offers, but I also find it an interesting shift and I will admit that while I understand it, I don't necessarily agree with it. My own perspective is not one of religion (which I don't agree with either) but rather of perceiving spirits as objective beings that happen to have a different reality than my own. I don't think they need my worship, but I do have respect for them.

I don't think atheism and magic are incompatible. I find it to be an interesting mix and I'll be curious to see what the results are, although I've already seen some of those results in how people approach magic, and the culture that is emerging over the last couple of years.

"Forget Time to Find Yourself"

I've been reading Toward an Archaeology of the Soul by Antero Alli. I've met Antero once and we talked for about half an hour, and I've read his first book on the eight circuit model, but this work resonates with me a lot more, because in it, I see elements of my own practices and experiences. the embracing of the void, the assumption of no form, the intense working with a particular issue or element in your life are themes of both our work. I've decided I'm going to integrate the paratheatre method into some of my workings. I think it could only enhance what I'm already doing. Tonight, at the experimenter group, we did a working with time utilizing my recent work with elephant. First we did the exercise from The Possible Human, where you become different units of time, to set the proper frame of mind. Then, I passed around the painting and my statue of Elephant that I use to commune with him, asking each person to look at the painting, to imprint the symbol in their mind, and touch the statue to feel the essence of elephant guide them on a journey in time. I went on my own meditation as well.

On my journey, I was reminded by Elephant that I still focused too much on the future and past. I was too caught up in the what ifs. I'll admit, this is something I continue to struggle with. In some ways I live entirely too much in my head and in those what ifs, for escape, for fantasy, but also a vivid imagination. He said it blocked me from being as aware as I needed to be of the present and just living in the moment.

Still, I have to admit that what really hit me tonight were the words that M, one of the other participants shared about his own experience with Elephant. He said he was told, "Forget Time to find yourself." And as much as I recognize that phrase was for M, I also felt it was for me. I'm caught in linear time, focused on the future, focused on the past, but not in the present. It's in forgetting linear time, forgetting that tendency to focus on the extremes of time, and to be in the present, aware of the opportunity in the now that I could find myself. I feel as if I heard a key click in a door and since Elephant is the gatekeeper of time...

I paint to forget

I paint to forget sometimes, on a conscious level the desires, the wants, the needs, etc. I have. The paintings are sigils usually, though in someways I don't really think of them as that so much as mindscapes, which allow me to express what's going on in my mind and then let it go. I paint to forget, but also to free my mind. Once something is expressed, if you have a place to direct any further attention or energy toward that expression, you can can then remove the desire from conscious thought. It becomes part of the background. And once its part of the background, that desire can then work because it's not being pushed into the future by the conscious mind.

It's a reason to paint. Funny thing about painting for me. It's the one creative skill, where I'll never make it a product to sell. It's a magical work for me, but more than that it's something I need to keep for myself, as an outlet I use for both my magical expression and artistic/creative expression divorced from any form of compensation (beyond my satisfaction). I don't paint often, but I love to do it. The state of no-mind, the rustle of the brush, the colors that I use, and the shapes that come forth, all of it created in a place that is the secret part of my soul, and even when shared, it's still a place only I'm really intimate with.

What problems does magic solve?

What problems does Magic solve? I've been thinking about this question for a long time, though perhaps not with that wording. Only recently has that wording come to me, in large part because my experiences as a business and social media coach has helped me recognize that pretty much everything a person does is motivated by solving some kind of problem that the person has. And the major motivation for utilizing technology is also to use it to solve a problem. I count magic as a technology, and I recognize that I've used it numerous times to solve problems, whether its a short term problem or a long term problem. I've used magic reactively to handle situations, and I've also used it proactively to address issues.

So it seems like I already have the answer, but the reason I'm asking this question is because it's a big question to ask when you start looking at the process of magic and how it works. What will this particular magical process, act, working, spell, etc., solve and how will I know? So the emptiness working, as an example, solved a problem for me that involved coming to terms with emptiness and how I felt and expressed it to myself and others. And while I couldn't predict the outcome, I did know that I had a problem I wanted to solve and that motivated me to do a year long working with emptiness.

The process of doing that working was defined by recognizing what the problem was, and what would be solved by using that magical process to address the issue at hand. If I hadn't understood that there was a problem, I never would have even done that working. It wasn't until I recognized that there was a problem that I could recognize as well the value of the process I wanted to implement to solve that problem.

When you do a magical act or plan one, spend some thinking about what problem this act will solve. Define the problem, and then define the solution(s). What makes a magical act better than a mundane act in this case, or should they be combined? By addressing these questions and similar ones you may come up with, you will get a lot of value out of the magical work you do. Define your problem, so that you can then define your process.

In Memoriam Ted Andrews

Earlier this week it was confirmed that Ted Andrews died of Cancer. Most people know Andrews for his books on Animal Magic, but I'll admit that my exposure to his works came from a decidedly different angle, that of the hermeticist. I actually, to this day, have never read his books on animal magic, but several of the very first books on magic I read were Enchantments of the Faerie Realm and How to Meet and Work with Spirit Guides, both by him. Those two books contributed to a fusion of neoshamanic and Hermetic practices I was practicing when I first got into magic. Even today, when it comes to how I work with spirits, it's fair to say that Andrew's work is the foundation for that approach. Andrews introduced me to elemental Hermetic magic, and to some of the concepts of ceremonial magic. My mate, Lupa, tells me she never read those two books. But she's read Animal Wise and Animal Speak, which were two of his books on animal magic, and what I realize is that this person had a wealth  of experience across a variety of different magical disciplines and was able to share all of that with his readers. I really respect the ability to write knowledgeably on a variety of subjects.

I wish the family of Ted Andrews peace and comfort during this time of sorrow, and safe journey to the spirit of Ted Andrews, as he moves on to the next adventure.

Walking the web with Elephant

Tonight I decided to do some work with Elephant and time. I went into my ritual room and put on the necklace I associate with Elephant and the bracelet of Elephant hair and then pulled out the statue which wears the other bracelet of Elephant hair, as well as my painting for elephant. then I turned out the lines and sat in front of the statue and centered myself, so I could get focused on Elephant's presence. When I was ready, I laid down and keeping a hand on the statue, allowed myself to travel to the silver web. Once there, Elephant started discussing memory, not so much as a stable picture of the past, but rather as an active re-imagining of it, as well as an influencer of the present, and a dream of the future. He then talked about how being aware of your present circumstances was very important to really working with time.

"You are too focused on the future...not just you, but so many others as well"

He showed me several incidents, including one from today where I'd gotten caught up in future imagining of wishful dreams, while ignoring information in the present that could've told me that such an imagining was just a diversion of energy and thought better put elsewhere. The information was there all along...I'd intuitively acknowledged it, but still ignored it with my conscious mind, until I couldn't ignore it because information was presented that showed me that what I hoped for wasn't going to happen.

"Pay more attention to the present moments and the information in them...that will show you what paths you can take, and there are always multiple paths."

So then he also pointed out how elephants always have to be aware of a lot of information happening around them all the time. They can't just blindly look ahead. They need to listen to the vibrations and communication from other elephants, but also the land, as well as pay attention to their memory of a place, so they can find their way. Elephant said that the silver web has it's own vibrations and even as I can create my own paths, it's a wise idea to pay attention those vibrations as I navigate through time's possibilities.

"The more aware you are of the information available to you, the easier it is to pick out the possibilities that are most available to you, or find your way around obstacles that'd hold you back from a possibility you want to work with."

So I'm coming away from all of this with a realization that yes, sometimes I do live too much in the future, and I want to focus more on what's around me that I'm not noticing as much, and use that awareness to help me with my time work.

After I finished the work with elephant, I did a fan dance as a way to close the the sacred space and thank elephant. I have a fan, one of those ones you can hold open with one hand, that spreads out in a half circle, and I started dancing with it, using it to express my thanks. It was fun to close the ritual that way, and allow myself some artistic creativity with using the fan as a ritual tool. I plan on working with it more, in the future.

Space/Time Connection Working

I've been getting pinged by the Spider Goddess of time quite a bit since I switched over from emptiness to Time to come and do a getting to now you ritual of sorts. It was that this evening, but also more than just that. I went to my ritual room and pulled out the voyager deck and from it constructed a circle and triangle for ceremonial work. I've decided that I'm no longer going to use the voyager deck for divinatory work...just for the ceremonial/experimental magic I've been using the deck for the majority of the time.

After I constructed the circle and triangle, I pulled out the paintings for Elephant, Purson, Thiede, and the Spider Goddess, as well as the memory box I use to access the silver web of time. I then first approached Elephant and asked for entrance through the gates of time. He said yes, and told me to also make some more time for him, so we could explore some facets he could show me in regards to time. I took the key from him, and fit it into the loc of the memory box, and opened the box.

I called out to Purson to be guide through time, to Thiede to be my guide through space and they both came, my guardians on journeys into the silver web. Then I reached out to the spider goddess and she told me that tonight we'd work on utilizing the silver web to make a particular connection happen. She told me to think about what connection I might like to make, and then told me to shuffle the rest of the Voyager deck to pull out th cards that represented me and the connection I wanted to make. First I pulled out the seeker card, for myself (how appropriate), but I had to do a lot of thinking about what I wanted to connect. I decided, in the end, not to connect with a specific person or entity, but rather to connect with an archetypal awareness that I could present some information to about the connection I wanted to make. The Spider Goddess thought this was a good idea, and I proceeded to shuffle and pull a card that represented that awareness.

I then activated the magical circle for connecting with that awareness and putting my own card into the memory box and setting it on the altar, proceeded to explain at length what I was looking for. Then I and that awareness shuffled the cards from the elemental hexagon deck and from that we pulled out what I would consider to be a confirmation of those attributes, but also an imprint of them into the archetype, so it could seek out what I was looking for. After that the spider goddess suggested that she and I shuffle the cards a second time. So we did that, and the second spread revealed/set the path by which the possibility I was seeking would manifest.

The spider goddess also pointed to a specific book on my shelf Fusion of the Five Elements by Mantak Chia, and said I should start doing the exercise in that book for my morning daily ritual. The emptiness working has deconstructed all of my former energetic structures and the Fusion of the five elements is a practice that creates a spiritual embryo (among other things)...she seemed to feel it would be useful for me, so I'll be starting that practice as of tomorrow. Then I closed it all down. Overall, an interesting working, with more to undoubtedly come.

Into Time and Space

After I finished my emptiness ritual and had cleansed myself of the paint, I moved right into the ritual to accept time as the new element. I put on the bracelet of elephant hair, and the elephant necklace and put before me the painting to elephant. I asked elephant if elephant would allow me to enter the gates of time and was told yes. Then I evoked Purson and Thiede as my guides through the silver web of time and space. I did an exercises of putting increments of time into each other until the increments become meaningless.

I opened the memory box, which is my gateway to the silver web and put both my hands on its sides. And I traveled along the silver web until I came to the center, where the Spider Goddess of Time awaited me. She held up the book of her mysteries and said, "It's good you have this back, now paint what I show you."

I pulled out my paintbrush and waters color and painted a web of time. Just one colors, lots of silver-gray...I asked her...was this really it? And she told me that my perceptions of time were too limited by human made standards of time. That what I painted wasn't even so much a symbol as a way of relating to time and space, a way of moving past the linear perceptions and measurements that mark time by human standards. She told me that this year would be a move away from the mystical path I've been on, back to more of a focus on magic, but also a focus on changing those limited perceptions on time...that all the material she'd put in my path the last couple of months was partial prep work for the workings ahead.

And with that, she stopped my hand, looked at my work and said, "Start with this and see what it teaches you."

Then I closed the gate to the silver web of time and gave my thanks to Thiede, Purson, and Elephant...and to her, the spider goddess of time. And so that's the beginning into the element of time.

Elemental Emptiness Month 12: From Zero to One

9-24-09 I haven't been able to update since the esoteric book convention. It highlights how busy my schedule has become and how problematic that can be at times. I'm not sure I like that, so I'm looking at what I can change in my life to give me a bit more time. As this elemental working winds down to a close, what I mostly feel is tired. This has been such an intense year, and the second intense year in a row. I need a break from intense years...and although it has been an intense year for me, I feel like I've drifted away from my spirituality to some degree in the process of doing this elemental work. And I guess that makes sense, because in some ways I've had to let go of everything important to me, to make this year's emptiness working work. The path of the abyss is one where everything is sacrificed as journey through it. At the same time, I feel a kind of anticipation about the end of this one. I know all the work I've put in is going to payoff and that the payoff, for me, is really being able to move past so many conditioned responses and behaviors that used to hold me back. I'm tired, but I'm also at that last part of the journey, where you push through the tiredness and make it to the end, because you know its part of the journey. 9-28-09 There's not really much to write. Unlike all the other months, what I really feel right now is anticipation, or being in the center of the eye of the hurricane. I can look around me and see everything I've been dealing, but also recognize where I am and know I've moved past everything. Now it feels more like making a choice and getting ready to move ahead, free of the rotting putrefaction I went through, because the refinement is here.

10-01-09 I've been playing the Force Unleashed recently. When I first started my emptiness working, I played that game a fair amount. It represented, for me, the feeling of emptiness at the beginning. It doesn't really anymore because I no longer see emptiness as an antagonist. It's something I can see as part of me, instead of against me.

10-02-09 I reflected today that to truly experience emptiness I've had, in one form or another, to really become empty, to really see everything I hold dear fall through in some form or manner, if only to convey to me the full depths of emptiness. Recognizing that everything could be taken away, that's been hard, but useful as well.

10-06-09 On a really deep level I wonder how much this year's working has really helped me. I've been exposed to what drives me toward feeling empty, come to a really good understanding of it, but I don't feel like its really solved. There's still a part of me that just wants to find someone, something that will somehow meet this very intangible need I have. It's a very primal, emotive part, not something rational that can be reasoned with. And it's likely always going to be there. I guess I've learned better strategies for handling it and recognizing it when it comes out...and maybe I feel a bit less driven than I did before, but I also feel like somehow I just haven't really "solved" the core issue for me. I don't know if I ever will. Maybe, all I'll really come away is a better grasp of my emptiness and a better way of handling it, when it comes up in potentially unhealthy situations.

10-08-09 I woke up this morning thinking about D. D was someone I met when I was twenty. We became lovers. She was seventeen years older than I was, a gifted magician, and very experienced when it came to life, and for that matter sex. I never fully, consciously realized until now just how deeply she imprinted me, or how much the relationship not working out would affect me. The majority of women I've been attracted to have always had a connection to Babalon, Lililth, or a similar type of goddess, i.e. the sacred whore archetype and I think it's because of that imprint from D. This person made a really strong impression and I never fully got to satisfy or see where that relationship would go. So I see it as the root of a lot of my longings and seeking when it came to possible partners and sex in general. I've been trying to find someone with this particular current for a long time but I never fully understood why that was the case. And now I do...I really understand some of my choices in a very different light now than I did before.

10-10-09 I've been thinking further about what I wrote above, about the person I contacted, etc. I look back at various activities, various sexual encounters and I see this particular need trace itself through most of my relationships in a manner that never fully addresses it in a satisfactory way. The two partners I ended up with in long term relationships never embraced that particular archetype of the sacred whore. And conversely I've put myself in situations where I could almost have that relationship with someone who embodied that archetype, but then would take it away from myself, too afraid perhaps of getting what I wanted, or perhaps just not ready. I'm tired of that pattern. I'm tired of the hurt it's caused me and others. And while I do love my wife very much and take genuine pleasure and joy from her presence in my life, I also have to acknowledge that this current is in my life and likely always will be. It's something I want to explore with someone, safely and sanely.

10-11-09 One of my problems or flaws is that I put expectations on a lot of experiences, people, etc. In a conversation with a friend this morning, I thought about that...really thought about how much those expectations have actually caused me to miss out on some good experiences. I know I've placed expectations on so much of my life, and I'm even relatively sure of where that pattern came from. I also know those same expectations create a lot of the emptiness I feel as well.

I've been reading the Doctrine of Awakening by Julius Evola. It looks at some of the earliest tenets of Buddhism. I'm finding a lot of it speaking to some of the struggles I've been experiencing for a long time. And I've been reminded that I'm not really drawing on all the tools available to me. But I'm not surprised by that either. I've needed to fall apart this year, to see my flaws up close and personal as well as understanding the cause. It's when you know the cause that you can start at the beginning with awareness and readiness to move forward. So falling apart has been discovering the causes...and starting the healing. I'm just about ready to move forward.

She said: "all you have to do is look around you and really see, not the image of your life but the real life. When you can define yourself alone, all the emptiness goes away" The image of my life is the desires, the expectations, the fixations, everything that haunts me because it isn't realized. The real life is accepting how little any of that matters and how much what does matter is less about expectation and a lot more about the experience.

10-12-09: Further discussion with D, as well as thinking about something written in The Doctrine of Awakening, which stated that when a person "needs" another person they are spiritually weak. Not need as in rely on a person to back you up, but need as in codependent need, trying to find someone to fulfill something within you. As we all know by now, my emptiness working has at its core been dealing with that very issue, and on a very primal level, sex as a shadow activity can be expressed that way. Sex becomes a connection, the intimacy a doorway...the problem is it can also be addictive...it's a drug like any other. You become a junkie, looking for your next fix. And for me, sex, like so much else, has been a way to avoid emptiness, to try and fill it up, and otherwise shut it out, but it's always been a temporary fix. And it's always been more about a constructed reality than an actual acceptance of this reality.

I know that now. That's really what this year has been about, is finally, finally tracing the emptiness to every single root event and coming away with a profoundly different awareness of my emptiness in the process, as well as myself. And always going away with the awareness that I have a choice, have always had a choice, but now have more awareness in making that choice.

10-16-09 I volunteered at a play party tonight, to help out with one of the communities I'm part. After finishing up volunteering, I watched some people play and was struck with a feeling of incredible loneliness, and later a feeling of anger at myself and others for the last few years. I feel really alone. I have for a while. And a lot of it's my own making. Seeing the fun and intimacy others were experiencing tonight just brought it home to me.

10-18-09 I ended up writing a long post about how I was feeling the other night on another site and got some useful feedback. But it also seems that the last couple of days has conspired to put me in touch with some possible interests...and I kind of laugh about that, because it's the end of the emptiness working...and that ending is going to be opening a lot up for me. Last night I had a dream of a silver web and in the middle was a glowing orb and cracks were starting to appear in it.

10-20-09 I went and got the tattoo for Xah. The artist, Alice Kendall did an excellent job . You can see a picture below of the sigil for Xah, as well as the saying "From 0 to 1" Tonight, I went into my ritual room, and painted my body with the sigil of Xah, while vibratingh isn ame over and over again. Eventually, the fox lord came, eyes laughing, tongue lolling out. "You've been through a lot this year. What have you learned?"

"I've known myself at my weakest, all my faults, flaws, and reactions exposed to myself. I've known myself at my strongest, confident, secure in who I am, able to achieve anything. And I've known myself as a mixture, and I am humbled by everything I've experienced. And I'm ready to move from 0 to 1, from a place of reactions to the past and old wounds, to a place of conscious decision and acceptance of the consequences."

Then I, for a while, just meditated on this last year, on what I'd learned about myself, and my choices. This has been the hardest year of my life, in terms of really facing myself, and fully coming to terms with my emptiness. I've had to dig up all my core wounds, come to terms with some different people and their effect on me and also more importantly come to terms with my choices and how those have really effected others. I can't say I'm a better person, so much as I'm a much more aware person after this year, after, the last five years really...and that awareness provides me an opportunity to be much more mindful of my choices. This year has been the culmination of a lot of internal work. I don't even recognize myself sometimes, because so much has changed...but I'm ready to embrace this person I've become, and let go the weight of the past.

At times I wondered if I could make it...I spoke for a while just to myself about this last year, about what I learned, about who I've decided to be. And then I told Xah I was ready to finish this year, and move into the next one. I decided to use a bit of sex magic and brought myself to ecstasy, and in that ecstasy gave myself to Xah again and felt him enter through the sigil I'd placed on my arm and then felt the zero crack open and from it came forth the direction I've chosen...then a shower to wash the paint off...and now it is the 21st my Birthday. And I've made it through this year of emptiness and found myself and found clarity and sanity and peace with myself. For yes, there is emptiness, but now I no longer need to fight it or run from it. Finally, finally, I have accepted it.

I read through my entries on emptiness...it's about a good four pages worth Just re-read everything...from start to now. If you go to the categories dropdown, you can select emptiness and read every entry...go back four pages or so...start at the beginning...You'll read a journey of this last year, of a person's journey to find himself and find resolution and closure with an element that most of us in the West would rather ignore.

Below is a picture of the tattoo I got as a tribute to this last year.

Happy Birthday to me.