Weather magic on a dial

When Kat and I were driving back from Bend recently we both focused on doing a bit of weather magic to help us get through Mt. Hood before the weather got cold enough to turn rain into sleet or snow, and wet roads into ice. I made an observation to Kat that it'd be interesting to attach an association link to the cool/heat dial for your car's air conditioning/heating. When you adjusted the dial, you'd metaphysically adjust the weather as well. By creating an association with the dial, you'd also automate part of the process involved in doing weather magic. It was, as I mentioned, an observation, but its those kind of observations that come to me that lead to some kind of experimentation to see if the observation can be implemented into a practical magical working. I'd note that such a dial could not "control" weather per se, but rather would be used to work with specific weather possibilities, such as strengthening the possibility that the weather would stay at a specific temperature or increasing the possibility of rain (or decreasing). Weather magic, much as with magic in general, is all about working with possibilities and influencing the outcome that a specific possibility will become an actual reality.

Book reviews

The Octavo (affiliate link) by Peter Carroll

Reading the Octavo is kind of a rehash of some of Peter Carroll's other ideas, but at the same time is a clear extension of where he has developed those ideas to a level of sophistication that mathematically proves his points. The Octavo isn't an easy read, and I recommend doing some research into the technical jargon that Carroll uses, but underneath the jargon the reader will find a concise explanation of specific magical concepts and how those magical concepts fit into our particular universe. It's worth a read, especially for the magician who is focused on practical magical work.

Four out of five.

An update on the magical experiments course

This is the first year of the magical experiments course, and we are just a month in to it, but already attendees are getting a lot out of the process. Below is one of the testimonials from an attendee. ********

Wanted to say "thanks" for the response. I hadn't heard of mind-mapping before, so I did some research on that and worked with it for a few days, to what I believe is a successful end. I realized I have the most passion and excitement for actual songwriting, and it would be less fulfilling to focus my efforts on the corporate writing, etc. Although uncertain at that point of how the money would come into play so I could achieve my "ultimate goal" most efficiently, I decided to just pursue the song-writing and let the Universe fill in the details in the best way possible -- larger forces know better than me.

So, having come to that conclusion, I had a dream where I was delivered a song title, which I have begun developing into a marketable song I can sell. It's not the type of song that would necessarily fit into my ultimate goal of being a singer-songwriter (not my style, although the message is still something I'm happy to put my name to), so I'm not concerned about "saving it for myself". I'd be happy to sell it and it fits into a market where there is lots of money to be made and songs from independent writers are regularly purchased. I can practice my craft and get some "street cred" as a songwriter, while also accomplishing the financial goal of earning enough money to move away from the day job and pursue songwriting full time.

*******

At this point the 2011 year is closed, but I will be teaching this class again in 2012. If you're interested in taking your magical skills to the next level, then this class will be helpful for you. Best of all you get feedback from other attendees as well, so you're working with a focused group.

The role of results in your magical process

I think results play an integral role in a person's magical process. If you don't know the result you want to achieve, you can't develop a process that will help you achieve that result. Results help to define and shape the magical process you use. Watch the video to learn more:

Experimental Magic Course

I've been teaching magic to different people for a while now. And I've written some books on magic as well that has touched other people in a meaningful way. It's something I enjoy doing quite a lot. For a while, I've noticed that there are some authors who are really good at not only teaching classes, but also charging for them. And I not only think that's perfectly acceptable, I also think that I'd like to be able to offer my own expertise on magic to people who are interested in taking a class. Thus I've come up with the Experimental Magic Course. It's a year long course you can take from the comfort of your own home. The focus of the course is teaching people a practical process-oriented approach to magic that gets meaningful results in your life. We will not only draw on different magical systems, but also on disciplines outside of magic including social sciences and rhetoric, to name just a couple.

The cost of the course is $200, which comes out to less than $4 per lesson. That price won't stay the same, but I'm charging that amount because this will be the first year I teach the course, and I'll want to iron out the bugs.

Of course this class will also focus on experimentation, specifically teaching participants how to experiment with magic so they can develop their own customized systems of practice. So if you're interested in taking a year long class with me, consider my Experimental Magic Course.

Mind mapping and magic

One of the creative techniques I've appropriated for magical work is mind mapping. If you're not familiar with mind mapping, it involves creating a central idea and then drawing lines to related bubbles with information. It's a useful technique for organizing information and also helping you see where the information fits into your process. One of the resources I've drawn on for mind-mapping is Unstuck Focused and Organized with Mind Mapping (Affiliate link), which is a book that shows you how to keep mind mapping uncomplicated, while also helping you organize it. There also some audio files included where the author interviews successful business people who've used it for their businesses. While mindmapping can be used for business, it can also be used for magical purposes. For example, if you're putting together a ritual, you can use mind mapping to outline the elements of the ritual, assign roles, and organize the process of the ritual. Likewise if you're developing a magical process or technique mind-mapping can be used to discover weak areas in the process you're developing, or it can be used to discover further areas for experimentation.

My spider web sigil technique is partially based off of mind mapping, and I've found it useful for mapping out my life and the people, places, etc., of influence that effect what I'm doing. Mind-mapping in general is just a useful technique for looking at the world, your profession, life, spirituality, etc., in a different way.

Dopamine and Norepinephrine

Dopamine: Appears as an old man/trickster figure. Dopamine causes pleasure, most notably in sex when a person orgasms. When I worked with him this time, as with when I first worked with him, he reminded me to use dopamine carefully...that it's not something to be abused. This makes senses to me, especially if you consider the possibility of addiction to the pleasure. Norepinephrine: Appears as a kabuki Actor. Norepinephrine causes numbness, so its basically a natural painkiller for the body. There's some definite applications when used in combination with other neurotransmitters.

Dream technique

Yesterday I was at the Oregon coast and I walked barefoot in the sand. I retained a strong kinisthetic body memory of the sensation of walking in the sand, and on a whim, decided that when I went to sleep, I would use the sensation of walking on the beach to create a dream environment where I could do internal work. As I drifted to sleep, I allowed my body to recall in intimate detail the experience of walking on the sand. Using that sensation, I allowed myself to put together a dream environment of the beach I'd been walking on, with myself being the only person walking on it. Then as I walked in the dream, I began meditating on the particular issues I wanted to work through. Because I was using the physical sensation of walking in the sand as my baseline, it made it easier to build other physical sensations into the dream, such as touching my tongue to the palate of mouth, while doing Taoist breathing.

I remembered my dream in the morning and a fair amount of the details of the inner work I did. Doing this work helped me to feel more at peace about a couple issues I'm working through. It will certainly be useful to draw on this technique in further depth.

Experiment restart

About five or so years ago I invented a technique where a person could contact their neurotransmitters as entities and then work with them to make changes to the chemistry of the body. For a time I worked with a group of people and we tested out the technique and concept. We got some interesting results, took it some places, and then went our separate ways. Since that time I never really got back to those experiments. There were a variety of reasons for that, but five years later and I'm finally ready to dive back in and I've got some people I can work with on further developments. I'm starting out with the basic technique again, reacquainting myself with each neurotransmitter, so you may see some notes on the neurotransmitter work on here, as a result.

I'm also restarting some work I've done with my modified version of the Tibetan Tumo technique. I've decided to utilize the modified version to do some daily work with the elements of space and time.

So I'm going back to some of my roots, experimentally speaking and it should make for some interesting work and developments in those respective areas. What helps is I have a magical partner that will help keep me on track and focused. I've missed having someone to work with who gets my ideas and wants to explore them, but now I have such a person in my life and that helps immensely.

Changing what you've learned

I recently finished reading a lot of Mantak Chia's works and implementing the practices into my daily work. I do find the practices useful, even if a lot of his books are repetitious. Even with that repetition, what I did get was a better sense of his process and how it works, as well as how to cut out a lot of the extraneous features, to still obtain the same result. Seems to me that's really how magic works. You figure out the process as another person describes, then you cut out what doesn't work, add what does, and work it. Certainly, I can appreciate that how Chia has presented his techniques work as they are, but I also could see where a couple steps could be dropped entirely to refine the process and still get the same result. And that shows me that any process isn't set in stone, and is always mutable. It's just dependent on whether or not the person feels confident about changing the process.

What do you think? How comfortable are you with changing what you've learned?

The book game

I read an interesting post today on rune soup about the book game: You pick ten books that you'd have a person read in order to create a specific "type" of magician. So, because I'm in the process of going through all my books, I thought I may as well do the same myself, only in my case, it would be to create an experimental magician. My list doesn't include any references to the sacred cows of occultism, because as I found myself, years ago, it was going off the beaten track in reading as well as practice that really allowed me to challenge the usual concepts of magic.

Book 1 Magical Ritual Methods by William G. Gray

In terms of thoroughness and ability to describe magical processes, William Gray is one of my favorite authors to read, and best of all the doesn't just stick with describing tried and true ideas, but offers his own ideas on subjects ranging from space/time magic to the role of symbolism in magic to elemental work. This book grounds the reader thoroughly in magical processes while also challenging the reader to think outside the box.

Book 2: Initiation into Hermetics by Franz Bardon

Initiation into Hermetics is another favorite book of mine, because the author challenges the reader to practice magic. To truly comprehend the book, you actually need to practice the techniques. At the same time the techniques are open enough to be experimented with, which makes them most efficacious.

Book 3: Relax into Being: Breathing, Chi, and Dissolving the Ego by B. K. Frantzis

The experimental magician needs to balance external work with internal awareness. The practices in this book focus the magician on cultivating more self-awareness, while also breaking down unconscious triggers and blockages.

Book 4: The Job: Interviews with William S. Burroughs by Daniel Odier

This book teaches the experimental magician the essentials of Burroughs techniques, and also shows them the value of unconventional approaches and thinking about magic.

Book 5: Watchmen by Alan Moore and David Gibbons

I've gotten a lot of ideas out of this graphic novel that pertain to magic. Moore and Gibbons pulled off some very interesting ideas and presented some useful information that can be applied to magic, provided you are willing to use the concepts in that way.

Book 6: Multi-Media Magic by Taylor Ellwood

Yes, I've included one of my own books and why not? in this one you get exposure to pop culture magic, but also some space/time concepts and even the proto theory I'd developed around identity and magic. It's a useful introduction to my previous works and definitely fits the spirit of the experimental magician.

Book 7: The Magician's Reflection by Bill Whitcomb

This is an excellent reference and resource guide for anyone who wants to develop their own system of magic. Since ideally the experimental magician wants to do that, this book would be perfect for providing some ideas.

Book 8: The Possible Human by Jean Houston

The only one of her books I actually liked, it presented a lot of ideas around space/time, inner alchemy, and other concepts that I think would be highly useful for the experimental magician to draw on. Definitely a resource book I still use.

Book 9: Real Magic by Isaac Bonewitz

Another of my favorite books on magic. Bonewitz's painstaking efforts to describe and define magic are useful in terms of getting a better understanding of magic and what one can do with it.

Book 10: The Apophenion by Peter Carroll

I like all of Carroll's works, but his latest one is useful for demonstrating how to create a system of magic around a concept. The experimental magician will find the ideas useful for space/time work as well as playing with the concept of chance.

So those are my ten books I'd recommend for the experimental magician, just starting out. They aren't all on the beaten track of occultism, but they all provide unusual insights and challenge conventional definitions and approaches to magic.

Process is not control

In a discussion I had with one of my students, I brought up the point that the process is not control. It might seem to be contradictory to say that and yet also say that when you know the process of how you do a given magical activity, you can then make changes to the process, but actually it makes complete sense. I'll explain why. The first issue to note is that for the most part control is really based on insecurities, on tension and stress that we don't want to feel and try to repress. Control, in most circumstances, arises from this stress, and we will act out that stress and tension re-actively as a way of trying to assert control of not only our internal awareness, but also our external surroundings.

However, control can be healthy, in a very specific way. Control is healthy when it is applied to a person's reactions and responses to a situation. While we don't have even complete control of our reactions, we do have some control and with conscious work we can acknowledge the triggers of those reactions and then make an informed choice as to whether or not we want to re-act or consciously choose. We can also modify the unconscious triggers, provided we do the necessary internal work. In that context, control is healthy. It becomes unhealthy when we try to control everything else, and creates blockages and tensions, because such control is usually indicative of unresolved issues.

The second issue to note is that in order to truly understand a process, you first have to submit to the process. You need to do the process step by step, and learn how it works. You can't change it until you understand it...actually you can try to change it, but the results are usually disastrous. So to understand a process you need to submit to it and do it. Only after you've worked in a process, and come to understand its mechanisms, can you begin to change it. Even then you don't control it, so much as you understand how it works, and so can see where you can make modifications to improve the process. We call this personalization, but the magician must still submit to the process to test its efficacy.

You might wonder then what the point is for doing magic, if you're not more in control as a result, but I'd argue that control is a fixation and obsession that tends to stay further out of reach when you try to grab it, as opposed to when you let go, trust your process, and work your system, as best as possible. The reality of magic is this:

Magic is one process, among many, with a variety of sub-processes that can help you balance your internal life, and provide you more awareness of possibilities in your life. It's up to you to make the deliberate and informed choice. A deliberate and informed choice can only occur when you actually understand yourself well enough to know if your choice is an automatic one based off unconscious triggers, or a conscious one based off awareness and understanding.

Let go of control. Process doesn't need to be about it. Process, instead, can help you make a deliberate and informed choice, because you understand how your process works and also your place in it. And making a deliberate and informed choice is more effective and powerful than trying to control everyone else and every situation.

In fact, if you find yourself using magic to solve situations that come up in your life, it's time to stop and critically examine what is calling those situations into your life. You will likely find that it is actually you calling those situations into your life, and usually because you need to learn something. So stop, examine the situation, own your feelings and responses, and then make a deliberate and informed choice on how to handle it. If that includes magic, then that's fine, but recognize how your internal issues feed into the situation, before using magic. Otherwise whatever results you get will only temporarily work, until you actually deal with your level of responsibility for the situation.

Trust your process and work your system...and make informed and deliberate choices. That can be the most powerful magical working you ever do, and it doesn't even need to involved anything overtly occult.

Some further thoughts about process

In a discussion I had recently with one of my magical students I elaborated further on the difference between chaos magic and experimental magic. Chaos magic, aside from being associated with servitors and sigils, is also about paradigmal piracy. You determine what paradigm works for you, you adopt it for as long as it's useful, and then once you've gotten your result, you move on. Experimental magic, on the other hand, is focused on a more processed oriented approach and so recognizes that in order to really under a paradigm, system, methodology, or whatever word you want to use, you've got to spend time learning the system, learning how the methodology works, before you can really begin to use it successfully. Consequently process is built into experimental magic much further than in chaos magic. And, if anything, the issue with chaos magic is that while you might be able to get a result one time from using a system to address an immediate need, without fully understanding it, you can't really know the process or know if you'll get a result that meets your needs each time.  That kind of understanding doesn't occur over night, or in a single working. It occurs over time, with study, practice, and yes experimentation. To really understand a paradigm of magic, it needs to be something more than just a convenience to be used because it fits an immediate need.

This is why I've never used Voodoun in my workings. Sure, I could pick up any of the books I have on it, sketch out a ritual and do something, but I don't understand the system enough to really feel comfortable doing that, nor do I really want to offend one of the Lwas just to get a result. If I really wanted to integrate voodoun into my magical practice, I would need to study it for a while, do rituals strictly in that system without integrating other practices in, and experiment within the process of that belief system. Eventually, if I knew about it, I could begin to incorporate external elements.

So experimental magic is less about rolling a dice and picking a spiritual system for a day and more about really getting hands-on experience with a given system, and process plays an integral role in that, because it's process you need to learn to really put it all together.

Process instead of results

For many magicians, my work still falls into the category of chaos magic, and so to them I am a chaote. I, on the other hand, disagree, because while there are certainly elements of chaos magic I draw on, I also utilize a wide variety of other systems. To which one might say, "Wait a minute Taylor isn't chaos magic all about taking different systems of magic and mashing them together and using what works to get achievable and demonstrative results?" Yes it is, and there's a very distinct difference from my own approach, because while I acknowledge that results are important, my focus is on process, specifically understanding how what I'm doing works and how to refine and improve it. Process is key to truly understanding magic. Results are just road signs showing you the way, but process is how you get there. Without understanding process all you have is push-button magic. You may get results, but just achieving results isn't enough. Process is how you refine and define those results. Process is how you experiment, instead of just doing magic. When you know your process you can change it, test it, develop it further. So while my work may seem similar to chaos magic, it's really not, because it's mainly about process, and less about results.

Some thoughts on genetic memory

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed 2 lately, and one of the elements of the game is the ability of the main character to access his ancestor’s genetic memories in order to learn skills from them. I think it’s an interesting idea. I don’t know how viable it is, if only because the genetic code will be different, but you’re not really becoming the person, so much as you’re accessing the genetic information that the person contributed, and within that information could perhaps be also all the memories of that person. Is it far-fetched? Maybe, but the idea is interesting, and could be worth exploring. If a person is able to access the memories of ancestors and learn skills from said ancestors, it could be an interesting exploration of memory and space/time magic. So I might experiment with it. I get a lot of my ideas about magic from unconventional sources, such as video games, but I find that being open to those ideas has really helped me out both in terms of magical experimentation and also for writing purposes. And unconventional ideas can lead to innovation in magical practice, which is essential for progress. I don’t know if this idea will bear fruit. Some of my ideas don’t, but its worth trying out and I have some idea of how I’ll implement it. I’m thinking the mind machine will be very helpful as an interface of sorts. More later, once I’ve tried it.

Sped Limt: A Case Study in Entity Evolution

I've always found it fascinating how chaos magicians will get rid of an entity when it evolves. We're told that such an evolution is dangerous, because the entity will potentially get out of our control. I've never really agreed with that stance. Why go to all the trouble of creating an entity if you get rid of it when it gets better at what it does? The concern, as I understand it, is that if an entity evolves, it could evolve past your control and start to use you. I think the issue revolves around control, and yet I think such control is ultimately an illusion. I prefer creating mutually beneficial relationships, including with the entities I create, and if those entities I evolve I don't think the issue is too complex in terms of how to handle that evolution. It just comes down to continuing to develop a mutually beneficial relationship with respect on both sides...and if you treat your entity with respect then its not really an issue.

I created Sped Limt about four and a half years ago, maybe a bit longer. I used a dragon pendant for his home. I wanted an entity that would make me aware of cop traps and help me stay aware of the speed limit. Every time I saw a cop car I thanked Sped Limt for shredding its invisibility for me. Over time Sped Limt evolved. He helped me be more aware of any government vehicles, helped me navigate around accidents, construction, and busy traffic. He also protected himself from thieves the one time the car was broken into. And so I realized he had evolved and I gave him a second pendant.

Recently I was pulled over by a cop. Lest you think it was Sped Limt's failure, it was in truth my own, but Sped Limt came in handy again. I was polite to the cop, and after he went to look over my license and paperwork, I thanked Sped Limt as I always did and also decided to see if he could influence the situation so I only got a warning.  Lo and behold I did only get a warning and while being polite and admitting I sped probably helped, I also think Sped Limt put his influence in as well. So I'm getting him another pendant.

I've got a lot of respect for what Sped Limt can do and how much easier he makes my life. The entity has clearly evolved over time and I'm perfectly comfortable with that as well. It's a relationship. We take care of each other. He's changed, but even those changes have ultimately helped me as much as they do him. We both benefit. I have respect for that.

I think of Sped Limt as an objective entity. I created him, but he is his own being. I have no objective "proof" beyond his evolution, which primarily has occurred without my direct input. Some could claim he's just a subjective expression of my mind, a way of being able to relate to the dangers of the road, but such an analysis is ultimately based off human perception and subjectivity. Just as I can't necessarily prove that Sped Limt is an objective entity, it can't be proved he's subjective either. And I find the notion of him being a psychological construct much more boring, because its solipsistic and narrow, and based on a perception that limits consciousness to human, as if there could never be other forms of consciousness.

Sped Limt has evolved in large part to address situations that weren't originally included in the initial creation of him. That evolution has becoming increasingly sophisticated, allowing him to deal with new situations. And as that evolution has occurred my relationship with him has changed to acknowledge the evolution. The pendants are gifts and also acknowledgment...respect. And it seems to work. I haven't had to get rid of him, or dissolve him, or otherwise try and control him. We've just continued to develop our relationship.

Paratheatre Working with Elephant

Another working with Elephant tonight, using the paratheatre techniques I learned about. First I did stretches and exercises to get me warmed up and slipped out of mundane thinking, then transitional jogging to put me into a liminal space. As a side note, being so engaged in physical exertions was quite useful...it's something I'll be employing further. After I did the transitional jogging I got down on all fours and pretty much channeled Elephant. The focus of this working has been similar to the past ones, a continued realization of how obsessions can obscure the present awareness of time, of possibilities. What stands out to me the most is a sense of just how constructed my understanding of time is around desires, around needs around wants. Elephant pointed out that the need or desire a person experiences creates the perception and awareness of time that person has. Sure we have 24 hour days, but time is also constructed in terms of how long it takes to accomplish goals. We artificially construct time around the needs we have, as well as the fulfillment. It makes an interesting kind of sense. And Elephant's point in showing me all of this is really to help me see how constructed time can be, so that as I really begin working with the silver web, I recognize where my desires could interfere with my workings in it. It's definitely useful for me to consider all of this and I know my understanding of time is changing as a result.

"Forget Time to Find Yourself"

I've been reading Toward an Archaeology of the Soul by Antero Alli. I've met Antero once and we talked for about half an hour, and I've read his first book on the eight circuit model, but this work resonates with me a lot more, because in it, I see elements of my own practices and experiences. the embracing of the void, the assumption of no form, the intense working with a particular issue or element in your life are themes of both our work. I've decided I'm going to integrate the paratheatre method into some of my workings. I think it could only enhance what I'm already doing. Tonight, at the experimenter group, we did a working with time utilizing my recent work with elephant. First we did the exercise from The Possible Human, where you become different units of time, to set the proper frame of mind. Then, I passed around the painting and my statue of Elephant that I use to commune with him, asking each person to look at the painting, to imprint the symbol in their mind, and touch the statue to feel the essence of elephant guide them on a journey in time. I went on my own meditation as well.

On my journey, I was reminded by Elephant that I still focused too much on the future and past. I was too caught up in the what ifs. I'll admit, this is something I continue to struggle with. In some ways I live entirely too much in my head and in those what ifs, for escape, for fantasy, but also a vivid imagination. He said it blocked me from being as aware as I needed to be of the present and just living in the moment.

Still, I have to admit that what really hit me tonight were the words that M, one of the other participants shared about his own experience with Elephant. He said he was told, "Forget Time to find yourself." And as much as I recognize that phrase was for M, I also felt it was for me. I'm caught in linear time, focused on the future, focused on the past, but not in the present. It's in forgetting linear time, forgetting that tendency to focus on the extremes of time, and to be in the present, aware of the opportunity in the now that I could find myself. I feel as if I heard a key click in a door and since Elephant is the gatekeeper of time...

Changes in my energy since the elemental switchover

Since I switched over from the element of Emptiness to the element of Time, its been interesting to track other people's awareness of that switchover, as well as starting up a new program of energy work. When I was doing the Emptiness working, my energy was heavy, depressive...I was busy working through all of the blockages and issues in my life. Toward the end of the emptiness working, my energy began to change. I was cleaned out. When I switched to Time, my energy felt different. Different people told me I felt lighter, and I was also a lot happier (and have been since then). Lupa said she noticed a webbing of sorts emanating from me. At the same time, because the emptiness working had cleaned me out, it'd also cleaned up a lot of energetic structures in me. The Spider Goddess of Time told me that I needed to stop using the old daily meditations I was doing and switch to the Elemental fusion system that Mantak Chia has written about. The old practices worked with an energetic body that had been there prior to the culmination of the emptiness working, but with my energy changes so much, I needed to develop a new practice that accounted for that.

For the last couple weeks I've been working the elemental fusion technique each day. I'd tried it before and used it for a little while, but the difference now is that I really don't have any energetic blockages getting in my way. The energy moves differently, but I also realize why the Spider Goddess wants me to bring this technique into my daily workings...it'll keep me cleaned out, because that is its purpose, while also helping me build a new and different energetic body.

Energetically I feel different...I feel so clean. There's no weight on me, no feeling of emptiness that comes across in a way that is hurtful to me. I can still feel some emptiness, but I'm at peace with it. The elemental fusion work, in the meantime, will allow me to continue with my inner alchemical workings, without the baggage that was previously attached.

Space/Time Connection Working

I've been getting pinged by the Spider Goddess of time quite a bit since I switched over from emptiness to Time to come and do a getting to now you ritual of sorts. It was that this evening, but also more than just that. I went to my ritual room and pulled out the voyager deck and from it constructed a circle and triangle for ceremonial work. I've decided that I'm no longer going to use the voyager deck for divinatory work...just for the ceremonial/experimental magic I've been using the deck for the majority of the time.

After I constructed the circle and triangle, I pulled out the paintings for Elephant, Purson, Thiede, and the Spider Goddess, as well as the memory box I use to access the silver web of time. I then first approached Elephant and asked for entrance through the gates of time. He said yes, and told me to also make some more time for him, so we could explore some facets he could show me in regards to time. I took the key from him, and fit it into the loc of the memory box, and opened the box.

I called out to Purson to be guide through time, to Thiede to be my guide through space and they both came, my guardians on journeys into the silver web. Then I reached out to the spider goddess and she told me that tonight we'd work on utilizing the silver web to make a particular connection happen. She told me to think about what connection I might like to make, and then told me to shuffle the rest of the Voyager deck to pull out th cards that represented me and the connection I wanted to make. First I pulled out the seeker card, for myself (how appropriate), but I had to do a lot of thinking about what I wanted to connect. I decided, in the end, not to connect with a specific person or entity, but rather to connect with an archetypal awareness that I could present some information to about the connection I wanted to make. The Spider Goddess thought this was a good idea, and I proceeded to shuffle and pull a card that represented that awareness.

I then activated the magical circle for connecting with that awareness and putting my own card into the memory box and setting it on the altar, proceeded to explain at length what I was looking for. Then I and that awareness shuffled the cards from the elemental hexagon deck and from that we pulled out what I would consider to be a confirmation of those attributes, but also an imprint of them into the archetype, so it could seek out what I was looking for. After that the spider goddess suggested that she and I shuffle the cards a second time. So we did that, and the second spread revealed/set the path by which the possibility I was seeking would manifest.

The spider goddess also pointed to a specific book on my shelf Fusion of the Five Elements by Mantak Chia, and said I should start doing the exercise in that book for my morning daily ritual. The emptiness working has deconstructed all of my former energetic structures and the Fusion of the five elements is a practice that creates a spiritual embryo (among other things)...she seemed to feel it would be useful for me, so I'll be starting that practice as of tomorrow. Then I closed it all down. Overall, an interesting working, with more to undoubtedly come.

Elemental Emptiness Month 12: From Zero to One

9-24-09 I haven't been able to update since the esoteric book convention. It highlights how busy my schedule has become and how problematic that can be at times. I'm not sure I like that, so I'm looking at what I can change in my life to give me a bit more time. As this elemental working winds down to a close, what I mostly feel is tired. This has been such an intense year, and the second intense year in a row. I need a break from intense years...and although it has been an intense year for me, I feel like I've drifted away from my spirituality to some degree in the process of doing this elemental work. And I guess that makes sense, because in some ways I've had to let go of everything important to me, to make this year's emptiness working work. The path of the abyss is one where everything is sacrificed as journey through it. At the same time, I feel a kind of anticipation about the end of this one. I know all the work I've put in is going to payoff and that the payoff, for me, is really being able to move past so many conditioned responses and behaviors that used to hold me back. I'm tired, but I'm also at that last part of the journey, where you push through the tiredness and make it to the end, because you know its part of the journey. 9-28-09 There's not really much to write. Unlike all the other months, what I really feel right now is anticipation, or being in the center of the eye of the hurricane. I can look around me and see everything I've been dealing, but also recognize where I am and know I've moved past everything. Now it feels more like making a choice and getting ready to move ahead, free of the rotting putrefaction I went through, because the refinement is here.

10-01-09 I've been playing the Force Unleashed recently. When I first started my emptiness working, I played that game a fair amount. It represented, for me, the feeling of emptiness at the beginning. It doesn't really anymore because I no longer see emptiness as an antagonist. It's something I can see as part of me, instead of against me.

10-02-09 I reflected today that to truly experience emptiness I've had, in one form or another, to really become empty, to really see everything I hold dear fall through in some form or manner, if only to convey to me the full depths of emptiness. Recognizing that everything could be taken away, that's been hard, but useful as well.

10-06-09 On a really deep level I wonder how much this year's working has really helped me. I've been exposed to what drives me toward feeling empty, come to a really good understanding of it, but I don't feel like its really solved. There's still a part of me that just wants to find someone, something that will somehow meet this very intangible need I have. It's a very primal, emotive part, not something rational that can be reasoned with. And it's likely always going to be there. I guess I've learned better strategies for handling it and recognizing it when it comes out...and maybe I feel a bit less driven than I did before, but I also feel like somehow I just haven't really "solved" the core issue for me. I don't know if I ever will. Maybe, all I'll really come away is a better grasp of my emptiness and a better way of handling it, when it comes up in potentially unhealthy situations.

10-08-09 I woke up this morning thinking about D. D was someone I met when I was twenty. We became lovers. She was seventeen years older than I was, a gifted magician, and very experienced when it came to life, and for that matter sex. I never fully, consciously realized until now just how deeply she imprinted me, or how much the relationship not working out would affect me. The majority of women I've been attracted to have always had a connection to Babalon, Lililth, or a similar type of goddess, i.e. the sacred whore archetype and I think it's because of that imprint from D. This person made a really strong impression and I never fully got to satisfy or see where that relationship would go. So I see it as the root of a lot of my longings and seeking when it came to possible partners and sex in general. I've been trying to find someone with this particular current for a long time but I never fully understood why that was the case. And now I do...I really understand some of my choices in a very different light now than I did before.

10-10-09 I've been thinking further about what I wrote above, about the person I contacted, etc. I look back at various activities, various sexual encounters and I see this particular need trace itself through most of my relationships in a manner that never fully addresses it in a satisfactory way. The two partners I ended up with in long term relationships never embraced that particular archetype of the sacred whore. And conversely I've put myself in situations where I could almost have that relationship with someone who embodied that archetype, but then would take it away from myself, too afraid perhaps of getting what I wanted, or perhaps just not ready. I'm tired of that pattern. I'm tired of the hurt it's caused me and others. And while I do love my wife very much and take genuine pleasure and joy from her presence in my life, I also have to acknowledge that this current is in my life and likely always will be. It's something I want to explore with someone, safely and sanely.

10-11-09 One of my problems or flaws is that I put expectations on a lot of experiences, people, etc. In a conversation with a friend this morning, I thought about that...really thought about how much those expectations have actually caused me to miss out on some good experiences. I know I've placed expectations on so much of my life, and I'm even relatively sure of where that pattern came from. I also know those same expectations create a lot of the emptiness I feel as well.

I've been reading the Doctrine of Awakening by Julius Evola. It looks at some of the earliest tenets of Buddhism. I'm finding a lot of it speaking to some of the struggles I've been experiencing for a long time. And I've been reminded that I'm not really drawing on all the tools available to me. But I'm not surprised by that either. I've needed to fall apart this year, to see my flaws up close and personal as well as understanding the cause. It's when you know the cause that you can start at the beginning with awareness and readiness to move forward. So falling apart has been discovering the causes...and starting the healing. I'm just about ready to move forward.

She said: "all you have to do is look around you and really see, not the image of your life but the real life. When you can define yourself alone, all the emptiness goes away" The image of my life is the desires, the expectations, the fixations, everything that haunts me because it isn't realized. The real life is accepting how little any of that matters and how much what does matter is less about expectation and a lot more about the experience.

10-12-09: Further discussion with D, as well as thinking about something written in The Doctrine of Awakening, which stated that when a person "needs" another person they are spiritually weak. Not need as in rely on a person to back you up, but need as in codependent need, trying to find someone to fulfill something within you. As we all know by now, my emptiness working has at its core been dealing with that very issue, and on a very primal level, sex as a shadow activity can be expressed that way. Sex becomes a connection, the intimacy a doorway...the problem is it can also be addictive...it's a drug like any other. You become a junkie, looking for your next fix. And for me, sex, like so much else, has been a way to avoid emptiness, to try and fill it up, and otherwise shut it out, but it's always been a temporary fix. And it's always been more about a constructed reality than an actual acceptance of this reality.

I know that now. That's really what this year has been about, is finally, finally tracing the emptiness to every single root event and coming away with a profoundly different awareness of my emptiness in the process, as well as myself. And always going away with the awareness that I have a choice, have always had a choice, but now have more awareness in making that choice.

10-16-09 I volunteered at a play party tonight, to help out with one of the communities I'm part. After finishing up volunteering, I watched some people play and was struck with a feeling of incredible loneliness, and later a feeling of anger at myself and others for the last few years. I feel really alone. I have for a while. And a lot of it's my own making. Seeing the fun and intimacy others were experiencing tonight just brought it home to me.

10-18-09 I ended up writing a long post about how I was feeling the other night on another site and got some useful feedback. But it also seems that the last couple of days has conspired to put me in touch with some possible interests...and I kind of laugh about that, because it's the end of the emptiness working...and that ending is going to be opening a lot up for me. Last night I had a dream of a silver web and in the middle was a glowing orb and cracks were starting to appear in it.

10-20-09 I went and got the tattoo for Xah. The artist, Alice Kendall did an excellent job . You can see a picture below of the sigil for Xah, as well as the saying "From 0 to 1" Tonight, I went into my ritual room, and painted my body with the sigil of Xah, while vibratingh isn ame over and over again. Eventually, the fox lord came, eyes laughing, tongue lolling out. "You've been through a lot this year. What have you learned?"

"I've known myself at my weakest, all my faults, flaws, and reactions exposed to myself. I've known myself at my strongest, confident, secure in who I am, able to achieve anything. And I've known myself as a mixture, and I am humbled by everything I've experienced. And I'm ready to move from 0 to 1, from a place of reactions to the past and old wounds, to a place of conscious decision and acceptance of the consequences."

Then I, for a while, just meditated on this last year, on what I'd learned about myself, and my choices. This has been the hardest year of my life, in terms of really facing myself, and fully coming to terms with my emptiness. I've had to dig up all my core wounds, come to terms with some different people and their effect on me and also more importantly come to terms with my choices and how those have really effected others. I can't say I'm a better person, so much as I'm a much more aware person after this year, after, the last five years really...and that awareness provides me an opportunity to be much more mindful of my choices. This year has been the culmination of a lot of internal work. I don't even recognize myself sometimes, because so much has changed...but I'm ready to embrace this person I've become, and let go the weight of the past.

At times I wondered if I could make it...I spoke for a while just to myself about this last year, about what I learned, about who I've decided to be. And then I told Xah I was ready to finish this year, and move into the next one. I decided to use a bit of sex magic and brought myself to ecstasy, and in that ecstasy gave myself to Xah again and felt him enter through the sigil I'd placed on my arm and then felt the zero crack open and from it came forth the direction I've chosen...then a shower to wash the paint off...and now it is the 21st my Birthday. And I've made it through this year of emptiness and found myself and found clarity and sanity and peace with myself. For yes, there is emptiness, but now I no longer need to fight it or run from it. Finally, finally, I have accepted it.

I read through my entries on emptiness...it's about a good four pages worth Just re-read everything...from start to now. If you go to the categories dropdown, you can select emptiness and read every entry...go back four pages or so...start at the beginning...You'll read a journey of this last year, of a person's journey to find himself and find resolution and closure with an element that most of us in the West would rather ignore.

Below is a picture of the tattoo I got as a tribute to this last year.

Happy Birthday to me.