Working with the Spirit Cord

This last weekend I attended a workshop run by R. J. Stewart, which focused on the Spirit Cord teachings. It was a profound experience for me...one where I felt that certain gaps in my magical education were filled in by the work we did. I've never done cord work before and hadn't found much in the ways of reference to it in the works I've read so I was really curious about what this workshop would be like and what I'd learn from it. I'd gotten a purple cord the week before at Jo Ann's and with that in hand I headed to the workshop. Originally Kat and I were both supposed to go, but she got sick, so I went alone, which felt a bit odd because she had introduced me to this kind of work, but as it turned out even that happened for a reason, as we learned later in the weekend.

The concept of a cord, as it applies to spiritual work, is that the cord can embody all the traditional magical tools, while being none of those tools. The cord is a flexible connection between each tool. I found this interesting, especially as it related to my work with William Gray's material, because Gray discusses how to really understand a given magical tool, it's important to actually take it within you and embody it, and as I learned this weekend the spirit cords works in a similar manner. R. J. explained that the cord is also representative of and connected to your spinal cord, so that in a sense what it really represents magically is a connection to your entire body and how your body process and works.

Another interesting correspondence that came up was that cords traditionally had 7 seven knots in them. 7 knots could be related to the traditional 7 planets in planetary magic, as well as the 7 stages of Alchemy. I suppose we could create a lot of correspondences actually, but I felt that those particular correspondences were significant as it relates to western sacromagical work. As I continue to work with the cord, I'll undoubtedly explore such connections but for the moment I'm going to focus more on just learning to work with it.

Another key aspect of the spirit cord is that it remembers for you. What this means is that the cord can be used to store energies, experiences, memories etc. I tried this out when I wore the cord while sleeping. I found that I vividly remembered a dream that was magical focused in a way that I might not have otherwise, and that as I wrote it down, I could touch the cord and remember what I needed to remember. The cord helps you access those memories and experiences and re-embody them. I also found it relevant to my ongoing work that the cord could be utilized for both stillness and movement and that it's linked to birth and death.

The physical version of your cord is actually representative of your astral cord (not the silver cord typically discussed in astral work). In the meditative work we did with the cord I found that several experiences occurred. First in just working with the cord and connecting it to the spinal column, I could feel how it could be used to raise or lower spiritual energy. Second in working with the cord, I also felt how it could also be used for attunement purposes. For example, in the workshop we did a working with the Faerie Realm where we asked if we could attune the energies of the Faerie Realm to the cord. In my case, Puck came and attuned the cord with Faerie Energy. On Sunday evening, I did a similar attunement with Dragon and On Monday I did the same with the other spirit beings I am working with. In each case, when they did the attunement I could feel the energy flow into the cord and into me.

We also did a working with an astral temple, where we found our Astral cord. My astral temple was on top of a dormant volcano, but the inner alter was in a place where there was a lake of lava. I had an interesting experience there. After I'd worked with the astral cord, this gigantic being came out of the lava and presented itself to me. It then touched my forehead with the tip of its finger and I felt this energy go through me. I asked what it was and it said "He (RJ Stewart) would know me as a Titan." He then told me that if I wanted to work further with it, I should return and seek another audience. On Monday I sought another audience, because I want to get further understanding of what had occurred and the Titan told me I could ask one question. So I asked How and when should I seek your aid? He seemed to like that I'd managed to make one question into two and told me that I'd know when to work with him when the situation called for it and that I'd be guided in how to work with him. He also told me that what I thought of as need differed greatly from what he thought of as need and suggested that I shouldn't call on him lightly. He touched my cord and then my forehead again and I felt a rush of energy go through me, attuning both me and the cord.

We did another working as well, with the Ashim, which are lunar angels. This working involved traveling up and down the gold and silver steps which are representative of the paths a soul takes when it goes to be born or goes to die. I didn't recall much of the experience., but I do remember my Angel showing me the pattern of my lives.

Kat told me, when I came back, that she felt that my energy was different...that my vibration had been raised. Now some of that could be temporary, but I felt that a genuine shift occurred and that continuing to do the cord work will continue to imprint it into me. I already integrated it into my daily work. And later that night when we did our weekly devotional work to Dragon he came through and told her that one reason she'd been sick was because I needed to go to that workshop alone, to show my commitment to the work and show that it wasn't a commitment to her, so much as a commitment to the work itself. And y'know there's something to that because when you get introduced to a specific type of magical work by someone, at some point you need to know why you are doing that work, who for, and what it really means to you. This weekend showed me that and moved me deeply as a result.

Today is the last day to sign up for Weaving the Web at the discount price

 

Today is the last day to sign up for Weaving the Web in Portland at the discount price of $189. After today the price goes up to $229.

Space and Time are a web that weaves the possibilities of magic into the realities of life. When you learn to weave the web of space and time, you learn how to manifest possibility into reality.

In weaving the web, you will learn how to work with Space and Time as distinct principles of magic that can be applied to your life and spiritual practices. These principles of magic can fit with any spiritual tradition, while allowing you to enhance the effectiveness of your magical work, as you apply it to your life.

If you want to know more about the class, or you want to sign up, go here.

Sound and Silence in Ritual

One of the classes I presented at Convocation is the Ritual Sonics class. It's a class I've recently developed because of my own experiments with sound and at Convocation I taught the full version for the first time and was pretty pleased with it. A couple of the concepts I explored focused in one the relationship between sound and silence. In my experience sound and silence are in a symbiotic relationship  that structures so much of our experiences with sound in both mundane and sacred circumstances.

Consider sound and silence in relation to each other. One begins where the other ends, and both are defined by the experience of the other. I actually pointed out in my class that we never really have silence. Turn off your music, be quiet for a few moments and just listen. You'll still hear background noises, and perhaps you'll even hear your own thoughts, suddenly standing out to you because your mind isn't being occupied with sound. In that sense, silence is an illusion, but let's consider another angle.

Sometimes what silence really is involves our choice to stop making sound and just be with whatever is there, or to purposely create a sense of quiet that helps to build up the energy of the ritual. When silence is used in this way, it becomes a part of the sound that is engineered to enhance whatever sounds are made. For example ring a bell and listen to the sound eventually quiet down to silence and listen to this silence and then ring the bell again. What you are doing is building up the sound using the silence as a way to enhance the recognition of the sound.

Another way I like to use sound and silence involves chanting the name of a deity or entity. The chant first starts in your head. You think the name of the deity or entity a few times, and then you whisper the name a few times, and then you say the name louder a few times and then you say the name louder again. then repeat the cycle, using the repetition of the silence and sound to build a cycle of sound that calls out to the deity or entity and establishes a group connection for the people doing the chant. The sound and silence create a rhythm and also illustrate something important in a group setting, which is that initially we're individuals, but as we sync our vocal efforts together we become a group and that group consciousness in turn helps to manifest the connection to the deity or entity.

Sound and silence work hand in hand if we choose to allow them to. I like to integrate silence into the sound work I do because I find it makes the magical working much more purposeful than it might be otherwise. Silence causes us to appreciate the sound more and at the same time go deeper into ourselves to draw on the resources we'll use to make the connection with the entity, deity or purpose that we're choosing to make sound for. The sounds we make in turn allow us to not only connect with the deity, entity, or purpose we are seeing to connect with, but also help us appreciate the silence and use it, in and of itself, to be present with the connection we make.

A book review of Manifesting Wealth

Manifesting Wealth was reviewed by author Lilith Dorsey on Patheos.

Book Review: Communities of Practice: Learning, Meaning, and Identity by Etienne Wenger

In this book the author explores the concept of organizational design from two perspectives of practice and identity and explores how those perspectives inform the creation of community within organizations as well as the power dynamics that occur as a result. The author has some intriguing ideas to present and it's worth a read if you are interested in building community or improving the efficacy of your organization. This is an academic text, so it's not focused on how to build community, however you can get a lot of ideas from reading the text. I'd recommend it as a way of also understanding some of the dynamics in your organization so that you can make changes or make your organization sustainable.

My upcoming convention schedule in 2014

My convention schedule continues to grow!

I'll be presenting at Paganicon in March. I'll be presenting classes on Publishing, Wealth Magic, Space/Time Magic and the Elemental Balancing Ritual. If you are attending, please come up and say hello!

I've also just been accepted to present at the Second International Left Hand Path Conference in Indianapolis, in July of this year. If you are interested in attending, sign up now, because rates go up after March 15.

I'll continue updating this blog every so often with upcoming events I'll be at and if you are there, please do come up and say hello.

My work with Glasolya-Labolas

I recently started working with Glasolya-Labolas, a Goetic Daimon of Time, but also of diplomacy. He contacted me initially, or rather his name stood out to me and I decided to work with him and see what I could learn. In my tradition of space/time Magic he is the guardian of Memory and a guide to working with retroactive magic. He also can be a protective spirit and can help you find opportunities to connect with allies and even help you make diplomatic overtures to your enemies. I've recently had the opportunity to experience all of these aspects of working with him and I'm quite impressed with his abilities.

As a time Daimon, he is able to help you mask or unmask opportunities, as well as discover possibilities in your memories that can be used to influence opportunities in the present or future. In my particular case, I chose to work with him in terms of masking my own temporal presence at an event, so that while I was there, I nonetheless found that my interactions with several people were limited, which was something I wanted due to my relationship with those people. It occurs to me that I could've also worked with him to change certain past aspects of my relationships with those people, but I wasn't really inclined to, as I didn't desire to have a relationship of any sort beyond a neutral one with those people.

As a diplomat, Glasolya-Labolas was quite helpful in engineering opportunities to meet with people who could become allies. I had opportunities to chat with several people that were influential in their own ways and develop relationships with them that would be beneficial for all involved. I was also able to make connections with people who organized the event and get to know them. And I felt that Glasolya-Labolas helped me know when to be social in general, so that I got to know various people at the event and make a good impression with them. Whenever I felt an intuition to do something social, I trusted it and followed it where I needed to go. And each time I connected with people that I needed to meet.

I would definitely recommend working with Glasolya-Labolas and intend to continue working with him myself. I feel there's a lot I have yet to discover with him, but thus far I'm impressed with what he's shared with me and how he's worked with me. He's quite a helpful ally to have on your side.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 16: Momentum

1-21-14 Last night Kat and I meditated and in my meditation I was asked: "How can you be present with another person, when you don't know how to be present with yourself?" Good question and as I meditated on it, I realize how much just being with myself can be a painful experience. This morning's meditation just seemed to confirm that there is this core part of me that feels such pain and hurt, and emptiness and longing and that just sitting with it, really being present with it is something I've spent my entire life avoiding. I think I can point to any number of whys, which is useful for resolution purposes, but even more than that just sitting with myself, really sitting with myself is something and being present is something I need to learn. I told Kat how I realized that for me, my life has always been about then ext person, project etc., and how that focus has always provided me a way to avoid just being present with myself, just feeling whatever it is I'm feeling.

In a related note, Erik, my astrologer had told me that my birthday, this year, would occur in the exact space that happened when I was initially born. I find this interesting and relevant, even to the work I'm doing now, because I feel that in exploring my earliest experiences in this life I'm actually allowing myself to figuratively explore the beginnings of this life and the experiences I've had. It was around this time of year that I was conceived and so I find it helpful to be exploring these issues now even as this year eventually comes to my birth date and allows me perhaps to experience a re-birth in the same space as will have occurred 38 years ago. I'm going to doing something special this year for that particular birthday, but I will just allow that to come to me as the time continues. For now I just need to focus on this work.

I'm continuing to read Born for Love and they talk quite a bit about the neurochemistry of bonding. I'm familiar with the neurochemistry, but as I read it, I consider my relationship with the particular neurotransmitters and map that relationship to my behaviors and I see patterns in ways I hadn't, which confirms the realizations I'm having right now about the drive and motivation behind many of my choices.

1-26-14 I've always been tightly wound as a person, in some ways. Kat observed that I don't do spontaneity so much as I do scheduled spontaneity and I think that's accurate. I can be spontaneous, but it's all scheduled in my mind. I've always been a person who lives in my head, and allowing myself to really feel, to really be present with what I'm feeling is something that still comes hard to me because of how wound tight I've been. I told Kat that for me being wound tight is a control mechanism, both in terms of not letting people in (or only letting them in so far) but also not letting me out. The problem with this control mechanism is that if you hit it in the right place it comes unwound pretty quick. So allowing myself to feel, to let go of control and be present is really good for me, and I did that today with Kat in a manner that did bring up an awareness of blockages in myself and allowed me to feel them. I still feel uncomfortable with them, but I'm not thinking about them...I'm actually feeling them.

1-28-14 I'm feeling pretty accomplished today. My latest book Manifesting Wealth is now available for sale and as always when I get a book published it feels really good to have it done and know its something else I can take off my project list. I'm looking forward to doing book release parties, something I haven't done in the past, but I'm open to trying. In other news one of my uncles may be dying. Not sure how I feel about it, mainly because I really don't know him. I don't have much contact with the majority of my family. I've always been considered an odd person and a black sheep, so I feel a it weird about it, but more from a sense of obligation than genuine feeling.

1-31-14 As I continue working with movement, what strikes me is how even little movements build momentum. The discrete actions, the choices you make all build momentum toward the movement you are enacting. You live with that movement, become it because of the choices you make and all of it builds up and flows to the outcome that's manifested as a result of building that momentum.

2-1-12 I'm continuing to read Born for Love. They talk about how the first year of a baby's life is the year where the baby is the most impressionable, and also just how selective the baby is about who takes care of it. The baby knows who the mom or dad is, but not really anyone else and isn't necessarily receptive to anyone else. Babies focus on what's familiar and safe and use that to gradually explore the world around them. Now I think about that in relationship to what I know about the first year of my life. I lived with my mom for most of it, but there was a fair amount of moving involved and a lot of stress in the environment. And toward the end of that year, I ended up with my dad and with whoever he was with at the time. There wasn't much in the way of familiarity in those environments and recognizing that and seeing how much that's hardwired into a baby really makes an impression on me about that stage in my life and its effect on my own behavior, my needs and wants. It's amazing to think that a year that you probably don't remember much of has such an effect on your life in a way that moves throughout the rest of your life, but clearly it does.

2-4-14 Further reading of Born to Love has proven quite insightful to understanding some of the neurochemical aspects of love and bonding, as well as what happens when a kid doesn't have those initial bonding experiences. What's really fascinating is that a lot of behaviors even as an adult can be linked back to this early period of your life.

2-5-14 In Born for Love, they describe a person who was raised in an orphanage, who didn't get a lot attention or bonding in her early years. What they describe sounds a lot like me: Physical contact can be anxiety provoking, needs to sleep in absolute darkness, doesn't like bright lights, prefers wearing clothes with soft fabrics, doesn't like to be touched and has had to devise cognitive and intellectual behavior strategies to figure out how to behave in different social situations. Everything described here fits me to a T. Up until relatively recently, I didn't like to cuddle or be held because I found it uncomfortable and felt like the other person was trying to smother me with touch. Even now I find it uncomfortable, but less so, to the point that I can cuddle for a while before I start to get uncomfortable. When I sleep at night I can't touch Kat at all if I want to sleep, though in this last year I've gotten to a point where I can lightly snooze in her arms. And even though I do hug people, it's a learned behavior, like so many of my other behaviors. I find social situations awkward and I've had to really study them to understand how and why to interact a certain way. In reading this book and realizing how much my very early years effected me, it really makes me understand a lot of my choices and interactions with people in a different light. I see how that early period of time, which was so unstable, created an unstable foundation for my life.

2-13-14 I attended a talk last night at one of my networking groups. The presenter discussed problem solving vs solution finding and made a point that what we focus is on is what we create. I've heard it before, but sometimes you need to hear messages like that again and it struck me deeply when I heard it. I asked myself if I was focusing on my problems or my strengths, focusing on fixing something or focusing on discovering possibilities and my answer is that I do a fair amount of both but also that it can get very easy to fixate on what isn't working in your life because the tendency people have is to focus on the problems...what isn't working as opposed to what is working. What isn't working shapes the narrative of our movement because we know what is wrong...but do we know what is right? Do we celebrate our strengths and let those create momentum for us? That's something I've been learning to do more and I see its effect in my business. I feel more confident and sure of myself this year than I ever have because I feel I know my strengths, know what I am capable of and how I can stretch myself further. And you know I realize that exercising has played a role in that discovery of my strengths, because as I become more physically fit and strong, I feel more confident about what I can do in general. Play to your strengths and let them move you.

2-18-14 I've just gotten back from Pantheacon and a lot has happened since I last updated this post. On the drive down, I got into an interesting conversation with Kat, where I told her that I realized I was comfortable and content with her. I don't think I've ever felt content or comfortable with other people before. As we talked, I explained that I realized that my understanding of what love is seems to be maturing. My relationship with her has been the longest stable relationship I've had. While we've had our occasional issues, overall we get along really well. Being in such a relationship is a bit strange for me. I have to admit I feel a bit scared because I'm in uncharted waters in this matter. Everything I've known has been volatile with ups and downs, with the initial chemistry of NRE and then that chemistry fading and not necessarily being replaced with anything. With Kat, it is being replaced with something steadier and more grounded. I like it, but I'm not used to it. There's a steady movement to this relationship, a momentum which grounds me even as it carries me forward. Later we also discussed spontaneity and affection and I explained that for me so much has been planned in my life because of trying to understand people. With her, I can give more of myself than I've ever given anyone else...I can relax and be at peace.

At the convention, I presented two workshops plus the publishing panel. All of them were well attended and people seemed to get a lot from the workshops. I think I would only change the titles of the workshops. What stood out to me about the workshops is how movement manifested during them. Before each workshop began I could feel nervous tension in myself. I'd move around a lot, make occasional funny comments and basically put myself into the space of becoming the presenter. Then I did the stillness chant and everyone joined in and it grounded me and set up the sacred space. Everyone got into it. Everyone felt it. And the workshops then were paced really well. I didn't get scattered (outlines helped) and I kept the workshop moving in the direction I wanted. On the drive home Kat told me that she felt I was really building momentum for myself and Immanion Press. I agree with her. I feel that the momentum is building up and it's something I've not really done in the past. But now that I'm approaching my writing and presenting in terms of building a brand identity I like what I'm seeing. There is movement and direction and I can work with that.

The Process of Magic Round 8 starts in 2 weeks!

Round 8 of the Process of Magic class starts on March 5th! Magic is a process that changes you and your relationship with the world, if you understand how the process works.

In this 24 lesson class, we will explore what the process of magic is and how it applies to you and your magical work. If you’re looking for a different perspective on magic that explores the underlying principles of how magic works, instead of focusing on the tools, ceremonies, and other optional features, this class is for you. You will learn how to:

• Develop your own definition of magic and why its important to have your own definition.
• Use a process approach to magic to understand how it works and what you change.
• Personalize your magical system to improve its efficacy in your life.
• Understand how to fix mistakes in your magical workings.
• Achieve a new understanding of magic and its place in your life and work.

To RSVP for this class go here.

I decided to take Taylor Ellwood’s Process of Magic class after many years of magical practice and study as a way to reboot my work. I’ve been involved with a few traditions but have generally been very eclectic in my approach. In my view eclecticism is a strength if you can find a way to synthesize all of those disparate takes on the magical path. Taylor has stripped away most of the window dressings associated with magic. Instead of focusing on style and aesthetics he focuses on the roots of practice and the processes underlying them. For those who are already involved in magic but are wondering how to weave together the rich variety of strands available to us in the 21st century, examining the processes that underly all magic, no matter the flavor, is an excellent place to start. For newcomers and beginners this course will help you quickly move beyond the 101 stage and help you start getting your hands dirty with practical magic.

Testimonial from Justin Patrick Moore

Memory and Retroactive Magic

Lately I've been doing some work some new space/time magic entities. One of the ones I'm working with, which I'll discuss in more depth in another post is the Goetic Daimon Glasolya-Labolas. One of the topics we've focused on is memory and retroactive magic. The concept of retroactive magic is that you do a magical act that effects a past event in such a way that it changes the present and the possibilities you have access to in the present. I also think of retroactive magic as doing magic in the present to effect a past event. To illustrate both concepts, let me share two examples from my own practice. My first example involves doing magical work to change a present behavior by going into past memories and changing the behavior in those past memories. I have found that if you want to change a behavior in the present, it becomes much easier when you change it in the past. What I do is do a pathworking exercise where I revisit specific memories and re-live those memories, but change the actions and behavior I did in those memories to ones I find to be more desirable. This consequently enables me to change the behavior in the present, because I've built a past where the desired behavior was already being performed.

The second example involved doing a magical work with a group that was in the U.K. I did the working several days after the group did their working (but before they reported in) and sent my magical working back in time so that even though I was doing the working in the present it was contributing to the working in the past. When I checked in with the group from the U.K. they reported strongly feeling my presence on the day they did their ritual, which indicated to me that my present working had effectively reached back to the past.

I've used retroactive magic to also discover possibilities in my present that I initially didn't were available due to past choices. When I felt that way, I'd do a ritual working to change the past choice, or at least change the outcome of that past choice and then I would discover new possibilities that were more favorable to me.

In my meditations with Glasolya-Labolas, he has suggested that time is not fixed and that memories aren't set, but only seem to be set because of the linear perspective we apply to time. If we were to instead consider that time isn't fixed and that within a given memory there are also other possible experiences, we could access those experiences and work with them to change the experience of the present we are in. It's an intriguing idea to experiment with, and although I feel I've done that to some degree via retroactive magic, I'm going to work more closely with Glasolya-Labolas to explore what his approach is and how it might fit or challenge my own understanding of retroactive magic and memory work.

Pop Culture Magic and Video

I've just finished reading Textual Poachers: Television Fans and Participatory Culture by Henry Jenkins (See Review Below). In one of the last chapters he discusses early Fan video creations (bear in mind this book was written in 1992). What I find fascinating about that chapter is 2 things. First that long before youtube came along people were creating video parodies and stories about the characters they enjoy, which just shows that while contemporary technology is helpful for creating such videos, it isn't absolutely necessary. People were making videos before we had social media. That said, social media and better video technology has definitely played a role in the proliferation of videos.

The second thing I find fascinating is the magical angle, because to my mind there's always a magical angle. I've made a few videos (not all that good) and I'm planning on getting better video technology in the nearish future to make more. What's stood out to me about videos though is that with right editing software, you can not just shoot a video but add in some other effects, such as sigils, sounds, random pictures etc, and through that process create an experience for the viewer that can be helpful for your own magical purposes. After all, if the person is watching they are providing you their attention, which brings with it some energy of intention on their part, which can feed into your own.

In the case of the chapter, the fans creating the videos were really creating their own narrative stories with beloved characters and as a result contributing to the pop culture reality of those characters, which consequently I think can also be useful for connecting with a given pop culture entity. When people interact with various characters they are giving those characters more attention, more life via the interaction. Video creations provide fans a way to interact with the pop culture they like and tell stories, weave new realities for those characters. Apply that on a magical level and what you get is deeper interactions with the characters, which can then be applied toward magical workings with those same characters. The videos can be the magical workings as well, with everything set up so that the magical working is done, and then when viewed the ritual is charged and re-done because of the audience participation in watching the video. For example, think of a music concert. When you go to the concert you are caught up in the feelings and experiences of that concert. If you were to watch the concert as a video you'd experience a similar feeling of participation and intention. This can also be applied to videos that are made, with the understanding that the goal is to get some type of emotional response from the people viewing the video in order to continually charge and fire the magical working done in the video. Antero Alli's films are good examples of that principle in action, but I think it could also be done with pop culture, and that if you look at the various fan films that are available on youtube, you'll see the potential. When people are willing to dress up as characters and create their own stories, what they are doing is creating not just a story, but a magical working in its own way, that if understood from that perspective can be helpful for pop culture magical workings.

Speaking of Pop Culture Magic, check out my latest post on Pagan Square where I discuss the esoteric secrets of fantasy.

Book Review: Textual Poachers: Television Fans and Participatory Culture by Henry Jenkins

This book is a must read for anyone interested in pop culture studies or anyone who is a fan and wants to understand the history of fan movements. The author does an excellent job of showing how different fandoms found empowerment in their communities and in their own fan creations based off the pop culture they liked. While this book was originally written in 1992, it's still relevant to contemporary pop culture studies and if anything provides a fascinating historical perspective that allows the reader to understand contemporary fan movements and use of technology better through the context of reading the book. What I liked the most is that the author explored a number of types of fandoms (SF but also romance) and fan activities such as slash, filking, and video making. By doing this he provides a holistic perspective on fan activities that can help the reader better understand fandom and how it shows up in culture.

Weaving the Web is happening at the end of March

 

Weaving the Web: Using Space and Time to Enhance your Magical Practice is happening on March 29th and 30th in Portland, OR.

Space and Time are a web that weaves the possibilities of magic into the realities of life. When you learn to weave the web of space and time, you learn how to manifest possibility into reality.

In weaving the web, you will learn how to work with Space and Time as distinct principles of magic that can be applied to your life and spiritual practices. These principles of magic can fit with any spiritual tradition, while allowing you to enhance the effectiveness of your magical work, as you apply it to your life.

The price for this course is $189 until March 1st. To learn more about the class, and what we'll be focusing on or to rsvp for the course go here.

What is Success in Wealth Magic?

Recently Stephanie Connolly Reisner made a post about success and magic. It was and excellent read and she made a point which I think is important: Having you're act together is an essential part of being successful. She has definite ideas of what success means and she is manifesting that success in her life (When it comes to Wealth Magic, IMO that is what tells you that you are successful). she's aiming for what she wants to manifest and she's not letting anything stop her. I respect that, a lot, because I think too many people have been taught to aim low and consequently get far too comfortable with circumstances that aren't conducive to success. They rationalize away these circumstances, but settle for less than what they could do, if they just pushed themselves to aim higher. From my own experiences of being poor and from knowing other people in such circumstances, I can say that being poor sucks and while you can still enjoy life, there's something to be said for having your life be more stable, because it allows you to have more of the experiences that make life worth living. Jason makes the point that while money isn't the main point of doing magic, having stability in your finances can be quite helpful in improving your quality of life and having time to do what you want to do. Again, I agree with what he's mentioned.

In Manifesting Wealth, I admit that I occasionally wondered if I should really be writing a book on wealth magic, because my financial circumstances aren't the best (though they are continually getting better each year). However, I decided to write the book because while money is a significant topic in the book so is health, love, career, and business, and when I look at my life, I feel that as I'm continuing to get my act together I am also continuing to manifest the physical circumstances that support the life I choose to live. I also wrote it because I've always believed in living life on my terms instead of someone else's and I think that attitude is essential toward really achieving whatever success is to you. So when I think about success in wealth magic, I think there are some foundational components: Finance, Love, Health, doing what you love, and living life by your rules (Those are my standards, so feel free to come up with your own if you don't agree with mine).

Finance: Finance is knowing how to budget, how balance your checkbook, how to pay your bills, and how to plan for your future. It's also knowing what you want to do with the money you've got. In my experience, a lot of people don't seem to know what they want to use money for. They pay bills and live paycheck to paycheck, but they don't have a plan for it beyond that. Or perhaps they know they want to be out of debt, but after that? My plan does involve having as little debt as possible (I think most people, even ones with their acts together, have some debt), but it also involves retirement accounts, emergency savings, and knowing what's important enough for me to justify spending money on (For example I can tell you that buying  board or video game for me is an investment as opposed to a cost, because of the amount of time and enjoyment I get from aforementioned purchase).

Love: A stable relationship (or relationships if that's your preference) is a must. A stable relationship, imo, involves lots of communication between you and your SO. And the communication needs to happen in regards to everything that is shared in your relationship. You have to be able to communicate about finances, sex, spirituality, what you want to do for fun, etc., because if you don't communicate (or if you fight all the time) than you don't have a stable foundation. A stable relationship makes life much easier for everyone and makes it possible to do a lot of things that would be harder to do otherwise. From my own experience, I can say that being in a stable relationship has done a lot to help me in every other area of my life.

Health:  You can have lots of money, but if you don't have health that money will go right back into keeping you alive. Health means eating right, eating the right portions, exercising, meditating, and otherwise taking care of yourself physically and mentally. I've found that since I started exercising regularly again that I'm much happier and more focused. Changing my eating habits has also helped immensely. Your health, imo, is your first source of wealth and the one you have to take care of the most, because the older you get, the more you feel the changes. I know, for example, that how I felt ten years ago is different than how I feel now and even though I do exercise regularly, I can still tell the difference.

Doing what you love: Doing what you love means you are following your calling, in some capacity or another. It might not be your full time career (though hopefully you like that) but you should still be pursuing what you love to do in some fashion. I'll admit that in my case, I greatly prefer not to work for other people and find that doing what I love necessitates being self-employed. Being self-employed makes me happy because I can work with who I want, in the capacity I want. It's a lot of work and effort, but if you keep at it, the results will incrementally improve. I'll admit having someone who believes in you when you do the self-employed route makes it much easier.

Living Life by Your Own Rules: Living life by your own rules is similar to doing what you love, but is distinct in that you recognize what's really important to you and you live it. You live life on your terms and you don't compromise unless that compromise is something you can accept and live with because it still honors you living life by your rules (and yes this is possible).

Those are my standards of success and while I am not completely satisfied with a couple of those areas, I am consistently working toward them and I'm seeing results. That's what matters, imo. If you know what you want and don't have it, keep working toward it. Develop a plan, do some magic and keep implementing until you get it. Doing that will bring you success in wealth magic and your life.

Pop Culture Magic Fan Cults

I'm reading Textual Poachers by Henry Jenkins, which is a fascinating book that examines fan culture during the late 1970's, 80's and early 90's. I'm reading it as part of my research for Pop Culture Magic 2.0 and while it might seem dated to read a book that focuses on fan activities from the last century, I actually find it to be relevant even to current fan activities. While the technology has changed to some degree, the fan activities and what makes a person fan really hasn't changed. What the author describes are people who genuinely engage with the characters of a given pop culture and getting some kind of meaningful interaction out of that engagement as it applies to their own lives and to the sense of fellowship and community they establish with other people that share similar interests. Its clear that for these fans, their interactions with each and pop culture creates a shared sense of empowerment and community.

I titled this post pop culture magic fan cults for a couple reasons. I don't feel that fan culture is really a cult, but I do think that for some fans what the particular pop culture of their choice embodies is a spiritual and perhaps even religious connection under the right circumstances. The connection that a fan feels with a character isn't something to take lightly or to dismiss because the character is "fictional". The very fact that a connection can be made signifies that there is something deeper there and that it isn't just in the head of the pop culture practitioner. This especially becomes evident by the fact that other people feel a similar connection with a pop culture character, building on the investment felt by each person in the reality of that character.

For some Pagans and for Polytheists, there is a knee jerk reaction to the idea that a person can meaningfully interact with a pop culture character in a spiritual sense. On the one hand, I think this is due to the fact that there is concern that people will appropriate practices from polytheistic practice in particular and apply those practices to working with pop culture spirits. I understand that concern and can appreciate why that would be a problem. I think that for pop culture magicians, there is a lot to draw on that isn't rooted in more traditional practices and can still be useful for connecting with pop culture spirits.

On the other hand, I also think some of the reaction is to the idea that a person could establish a meaningful spiritual relationship with a pop culture entity. There's a sense of disbelief and disagreement because a person chooses to invest their spiritual sense of connection toward a pop culture entity. Yet for the people who do make a connection with Batman or some other character, what matters is that what they're connecting to makes sense and resonates on a deep level that speaks to who they are and what they need. If I identity more with Batman and feel there is a genuine connection with him and what he embodies, I don't think its unreasonable to explore that connection and see how it manifests in my life. If, to some people, that makes seem weird or crazy, well it's no crazier than practicing magic.

The way I figure it is that what makes any deity viable is what people invest in that deity. The deity may have an objective existence, but even an objective existence is a symbiotic one. We all objectively exist and yet to continue exist we need to have a relationship of some type with everything else around us. The same applies to any deity. The belief that a person provides a deity is part of that symbiotic relationship and if that belief is placed toward a pop culture entity, why should that entity be less viable than some Deity? If the only determinant of that is tradition for tradition's sake, because people argue it hasn't been done before, well I'd say that it's happening now and has been happening longer than those people think. The human experience is about connecting with what's meaningful to a given person and if we can acknowledge that what is meaningful can differ from person to person, then perhaps we can also accept that you can't force a person to accept your version of spirituality. I don't expect, for example, that people reading this who don't agree with what I'm writing will suddenly change their minds. they won't change their minds, but to expect that their rhetoric will change my mind is a futile exercise on their part as well. I accept that they believe what they believe and I even respect that they want the boundaries of their practices to be honored because it defines who they are (I can't speak for other people, but I'm certainly willing to do that). But I also feel that what I believe and what I practice are just as valid for me...that if I make a genuine spiritual connection (which I have) that this connection is what matters and that their censure is futile, because what is happening with pop culture magic isn't going to go away. It's here to say. We're here to stay. This isn't just a fad or something that's transitory. It's something that speaks to some people and recognizing that is essential to understanding that pop culture magic isn't superficial or something that its in our heads. It means more than just that...and when I connect with an entity that's a pop culture entity and it helps me understand my spiritual work in a more profound way, it's real...as real as anything else a person chooses to believe in.

The Process of Magic Round 8 Starts March 5th

Magic is a process that changes you and your relationship with the world, if you understand how the process works.

In this 24 lesson class, we will explore what the process of magic is and how it applies to you and your magical work. If you're looking for a different perspective on magic that explores the underlying principles of how magic works, instead of focusing on the tools, ceremonies, and other optional features, this class is for you.

Whether you are just learning about magic or have been practicing for years the Process of Magic course focuses on what really matters: Learning how to use magic to proactively improve your life. Below is a testimonial from one of the students who has taken this class:

By describing the process of magic(k) rituals, Taylor Ellwood taught me how to enhance my work. He taught me how to analyze and improve some rituals I had made, how to apply proved techniques to experimental rituals for internal magic and how pop culture can also be useful for creating pantheons more in relation to oneself. After this class my rituals have been really effective, and I started to think of magic as a means for transforming myself to get the best out of my environment. Highly recommendable class, I'm really happy I took it.

Testimonial from Ivan Marquez

To learn more about this class and to RSVP go here.

You are your best teacher

I was reading a post by Josephine McCarthy about meeting teachers and walking the path of magic. She makes some interesting points about being open to magic and meeting teachers, but what I get from that post is this: You are your best teacher.  And the reasoning for that statement is simply this: No matter who you meet or where you are or what you do, you ultimately have to decide if you are open to learning, and once that's decided then you need to not only learn, but actually implement what you've learned. McCarthy points out that:

If a person truly wants to evolve within magic and penetrate even a small fragment of her mysteries then the organisations and safe boundaries need to be cast off, and the magician must forge their path of magic while wandering through the forest of life. There are no short cuts, there is no ‘destination’, magic is constantly all around you: the key is to pay attention.

There's a lot of truth to that statement. Just about any magical organization I've run into seems to, on some level, sanitize the experience of magic, confine it, make it safe, make it something which is regulated. But the experience of magic isn't meant to be regulated. What I've found with the organizations I've encountered is a dulling of the mind and spirit, a loss of creativity because the focus ends up being on the social dynamics of the organization instead of on working with magic. I'd rather focus on the magic.

You are your best teacher because while anyone can teach you something, you can only really learn if you apply and implement it. This is why in my books, and the courses I teach I tell people that they need to make what they learn their own. My books, my courses can teach you something, but unless you apply it and make it your own, what you'll learn is limited. True learning occurs when you make it your own, when you do the work, and you make it a part of your life, to the point that it becomes something you've personalized and come to understand in your own unique way.

With all that said, be open to learning from other people, books, etc. Go out and have some experiences, take some risks, live life. Magic is part of all of that and I think you find magic when you look for it and make it the central part of your life, when you are open to that moment where you meet a stranger and share something unexpected with that person that changes the way both of you experience the world, or wen you read a book and it blows your mind and gets you to think in different ways than you'd ever thought before.

My latest guest post on Pagan Square explores how to work with bacteria from a non-anthropocentric approach.

Book Review: The Necessity of Strangers By Alan Gregerman

In this book, the author argues that strangers are an essential part of innovation and that to truly cultivate creativity and innovation we need to be open to new ideas, meeting strangers and learning from different cultures and disciplines outside of our own culture or discipline. The author illustrates this point through a variety of case studies in both business and everyday life to demonstrate how contact with strangers can be helpful for sparking innovation. While the case studies are interesting the author doesn't really explain how to implement these ideas. This is a good book to read to inspire you to be open to learning from other people, but while the author provides a couple of ideas on how to do that, for the most part what he discusses is shared as ideas as opposed to really examining how to implement these ideas meaningfully.  Still I recommend reading this book to challenge yourself to be more open to new ideas.

My Convention Schedule and I'm a Featured Presenter!

The winter Pagan convention season is upon us and I thought I'd share my convention schedule for February and March. I also am pleased to announce that I am a featured guest at Paganicon this year. Below is my schedule for each event, so that you know where and what I'll be presenting:

Pantheacon Feb 14-17

Taoist Inner Alchemical Breathing Meditations (The Alchemy of Breath) - 9pm Feb 14 San Simeon/San Martin

Secrets for how to get published at Immanion Press - 9am Feb 15 Carmel/Monterey

Magical Identity - 3pm Feb 15 Covenant of the Goddess Hospitality Suite

The Magic of Writing - 7pm Feb 16 Boardroom

Convocation Feb 20th -23rd

Space/Time Magic Feb 20th 8:30pm Huron/Ontario

Ritual Sonics: 11:30am to 1pm Windsor

Paganicon March 14th - 16th

The schedule isn't up as of yet, but I will be presenting a few workshops and I'll post an update closer to the event. I am one of the featured presenters!

Anthropocentrism and Magic

 

I came across this article from Alison Lilly the other day about anthropocentrism in Paganism and Polytheism. You can find another article here where she defines Anthropocentrism in more detail. My brief definition of anthropocentrism is that it's a humancentric perspective of the world that considers experiences of consciousness in primarily human terms and applies human behavior, attributes, emotions, etc. to things that aren't human in an effort to simultaneously categorize and control what is labeled. The problem with such a perspective is that its extremely limited and presupposes that humanity and its perspective is what matters.

In my own spiritual work, one of the things I've tried to do is recognize when I'm applying anthropocentric perspectives, behaviors etc to connections I make with spiritual entities, the world around me, and anything that isn't human. The reason I seek to recognize this application of perspective is because I recognize that it is a filter that stops me from genuinely connecting with whatever it is I'm connecting with. For example, when I was doing my year long work with the element of fire, one of the realizations which came up was how mediated the experience of fire is by anthropocentric perspectives. We label fire with human attributes and emotions such as anger, passion, and creativity. This provides humans a way to understand relate to fire from a human centric perspective, but it doesn't allow you to experience fire in other ways. When I stripped away the labels, attributes and emotions associated with fire, what I experienced was something much more primal and raw, something that had more to with fire as its own force as opposed to something mediated and interpreted by human perspective. I recognized even then that to some degree I was still applying a human perspective to the experience, but as much as possible I was also being open to experiencing fire on its level.

I make the point that I was still applying human perspective because I don't think we, as humans, ever fully get away from that human perspective. This doesn't mean we shouldn't try to experience other forms of consciousness, but rather that we should acknowledge that on some level, at all times, we are interpreting a given situation through the lens of being human. With that said, by being aware of that lens, we can also open ourselves up to a given experience where we seek connection with something that isn't human and recognize when we are labeling interactions through the being human lens and put it aside to focus on the interaction. Let me share a very recent experience.

I'm currently working with the bacteria in my stomach. In my opinion, bacteria is pretty far removed from being human, but the probiotic bacteria we have in our bellies play an integral role in the digestion of our food and I want to work more closely with them via magic. In my meditations and my daily awareness I've been focusing on connecting with the bacteria. Instead of trying to label the bacteria through human terms, what I've done instead is used the feeling of digestion to make contact with the bacteria. This provides me a chance to engage them on their terms, through an activity they are doing. The experience of their consciously isn't remotely human and the communication that occurs is based more on feeling than on words or visualizations. And even with all that, I recognize I could still be applying human perspectives to the experience, but what I'm not doing is assuming a human consciousness on the other end, or human values, or human communication or anything else, because such an assumption takes away from the experience and the ability to genuinely connect with the bacteria.

I think the same applies to any kind of contact you make with something that isn't human. Even if that consciousness approaches you on human terms, using human communication, it shouldn't be assumed that it holds human values, culture, etc. It might, or it could be that its trying to meet us on our terms because its easier to communicate that way or because it wants to experience our consciousness. I figure even if an entity I'm interacting with has two arms, two legs, a a head, and a somewhat human shape, even that doesn't mean it has the same consciousness needs, etc. That can only be discovered, never assumed and when we apply anthropocentrism to such interactions we make assumptions which can be dangerous, and if nothing else are faulty by virtue of our own limited perspective.

Manifesting Wealth: Magic for Prosperity, Love and Health is now available!

I'm pleased to announce that Manifesting Wealth: Magic for Prosperity, Love, and Health is now available!

To celebrate I'll be hosting a Virtual Book Release Party and FREE Workshop on Wednesday February 26th from 5-6pm PST. To learn more about the class, go here.

The book blurb is below:

In Manifesting Wealth: Magic for Prosperity, Love, and Health, Taylor Ellwood shares a holistic approach to wealth magic that focuses on all areas of your life. True wealth, while involving finances, also includes your health and your relationships. In this book you'll learn how to manifest wealth by exploring what wealth really means to you, as well as as how you manifest it in your life. You will learn:

• Financial tips and resources to reduce debt and improve investments • How to proactively plan for a happier, healthier life • How to define what wealth means to you and start manifesting it in your life. • How to create and sustain proactive relationships with the people in your life. • How and when to apply wealth magic to manifest prosperity in your life.

If you want to manifest wealth, you need to learn the skills that will help you proactively and holistically manifest it as an enduring part of your life. This book will teach you those skills and the magic to manifest prosperity, love, and health.

Manifesting Wealth: Magic for Prosperity, Love, and Health gives readers information that will take them from concept, to the reality of embracing wealth, to improve their quality of life. Taylor Ellwood has created a book that is full of ideas and information, pushing the reader beyond old ideals of wealth, to a more holistic sense of possessing great personal wealth. - Crystal Blanton Author of Pain and Faith in a Wiccan World

Space/Time Entity Research

I'm currently working on the space/time magic correspondence course and I recently finished writing the lesson on space/time magic deities and entities. What fascinates me is that there are some deities and entities that help with space/time work, even in traditional spiritualities and practices. However, what I've also noted is that what a given entity focuses on is typically either time OR space, but not both together. This is important to understand because there is a conflation of space and time that occurs, where they are treated as one and the same, when in fact, they really aren't. While space and time obviously intersect, what each does and represents is distinct. When working with a deity or entity, understanding this distinction can be essential in order to effectively develop the relationship.

What I'm curious about, and where I hope readers of this blog will help, is discovering what space/time deities and entities you work with and how you work with them. I've listed ones such as Fotamecus and Ceronitis, as well as more traditional ones such as mahakala and the goetic Daemons who help with time, but if possible, I'd love it people could share in the comments what deities and entities they work with, when it comes to space/time magic work.

Why I write about creativity and innovation so much

I'm reading Cursor's Fury right now, which is part of the Codex Alera series by Jim Butcher. The one character Tavi is different from everyone else because he can't seem to work with the furies (spirits) that everyone else works with. However this particular disability forces him to become creative in how he handles situations. He doesn't stick with conventional wisdom because conventional wisdom doesn't really work for him. And as time goes on, it becomes apparent that conventional wisdom, while useful in its own way, also ends up holding a lot of change and innovation back.

I've never really been a fan of conventional wisdom of any sort. I think it has something to offer and should on occasion be heeded, but I also think there's something to be said for just doing something to see what will happen and to learn from the experience. I've been talking about innovation and creativity a lot on this blog lately, partially because of what I'm reading, but also because its so much of what drives my approach to magic. I write about it a lot because there's so much out there arguing the opposite that I feel its essential to call out the necessity of innovation and creativity in spiritual practices.

It must seem odd in a way to associate innovation with spiritual practices, but if we consider that everything can evolve over time it starts to make sense. And magic isn't just a spiritual practice. It's also a practical discipline which people apply to their lives in order to create favorable circumstances and opportunities. And for that reason alone creativity and innovation is needed, because we want to keep our practices relevant with the demands and problems of the times. But I also find that creativity and innovation are part of the spiritual dimension, providing us a way to get out of our heads and get into the presence of whatever spirits we work with. And sometimes it can even help us examine the spirits from other perspectives we might not otherwise consider, and in the process stop applying our own limitations to those same beings.

Conventional wisdom and conventional answers aren't always the best solution. Sometimes you have to do things the hard way because what it does is push you to be innovative and find unconventional solutions. I'll admit that I prefer to do things the hard way or to phrase it differently, I prefer to develop my own solutions because as much as I recognize that what others have done before provides its own wisdom, I also realize that depending on my own experience and my willingness to take risks provides more satisfaction. I recognize that may not be the case for everyone, and as a result not everyone will want to do things the hard way. There's value in that too, up to the point that you deal with a situation where the conventional answers, the tried and true ways of doing things doesn't work and then you need to get creative.

How do you get creative with your magical work? How does it inform your practice and how you approach situations where you employ magic?

In other news Bill Whitcomb and I were interviewed by Mindful Cyborgs about the Book of Good Practices.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 15: Drive

12-26-13: I'm reading Magician's End by Raymond Feist. He's one of my favorite fantasy authors, in part because he manages to offer some intriguing metaphysical considerations. Any case, in this book, at one point one of the characters encounters a lover who is long dead, which stirs up emotions for him and he remembers something said to him: "Feelings don't make sense, but they can drive us, and that's what you have to understand most of all. People will often do imponderable things because of how they feel, not because of what they think." I read that and I agree. People do what they do moreso because of the feelings that drive them than what they think. We can fool ourselves into believing we make choices for purely rational reasons, but the truth is we really don't. We make choices driven by our emotions and then rationalize those choices afterwards. I've always been a person driven by my emotions and I recognize that and accept it as part of being human. The choices I make are always informed by emotions and I know that consciously recognizing those emotions is important for really being in touch with movement, but also being in touch with what informs the motives for making a given choice.

12-29-13: As I've been meditating further on drive, I've been considering how different emotions drive people. Fear, hatred, love, happiness...all of these emotions drive people and others as well. There's no one emotion that drives everyone, and if anything I think it's usually a mixture of emotions and they change due to various situations. It makes me appreciate how important it is to be aware of your emotions, aware of what drives you and why it drives you. There's no right or wrong answer, but knowing what emotions are driving you can do a lot to help you move consciously instead of unconsciously.

1-1-2014: New Years is always a funny time for me. It feels liminal and yet it doesn't. For me the year starts and ends on my birthday. So it's a new year...and whatever that means. There's a sense of renewal and new movement, but its illusory. One month, one day, could be as good as any other to mark the change of a year. That said January 1st does mark the anniversary of Kat and I's marriage and we are married 3 years now. In February it'll be 4 years since we met.

1-6-14: The last couple of days have been heavy. Kat helped me with something that no one else has ever been able to help me with, that no one else has ever really been able to handle. She helped me with my emptiness. Deep down, when you really get into the deepest movement, the underlying motive for everything I do, it's all about the emptiness, all about that feeling at the center of my being, that gnawing, gaping emptiness, that cutting edge of zero bleeding me out. And while, in the last few years, I've come to a better place with it than I had before, it's still something that I live with. The other night Kat brought up a tough subject for both of us and as we discussed it at length, I ultimately pointed her to that feeling of emptiness and how much it drives me, how much tension there is in dealing with it, how much it hurts to feel it everyday. Later on we did a meditation around it and she helped me realize the origin of it.

Before I was even born, but when my mom was pregnant, she was going through a very hard period of life. She was depressed, and she had a virus, which actually ended up partially blinding her in one of her eyes. She was also dealing with my dad's philandering. Kat mentioned to me that an unborn fetus ends up soaking up a lot more than just the food the mom provides, but also the emotions, energy etc. I'm going to actually look up some of that information, because I think it could explain a lot about that feeling of emptiness. We also discussed my first memory, which is a memory where my mom gave me to my dad in an airport. I was about one and they were both angry at each other and I was crying a lot. I actually have a dream of that event where I vividly remember it. Kat thinks that also contributed to my feeling of emptiness and me trying to find ways to fill it up via love.

It's a lot to process, and yet I feel that what she pointed out makes a lot of sense. I have felt this sense of emptiness for as long as I can recall. I want to do some research on this, and I'll undoubtedly share what I discover, but Kat said something else I've taken to heart, which is that I can take this feeling of emptiness and make it into an ally that helps me connect with other people. She described some of her own work around that and I've seen it first hand. I know I can do this and I feel it is an integral part of my work with movement.

1-10-14 The other day, my friend Erik pointed something out to me that made sense when I heard it, but hearing it made me recognize it consciously. He said that I'm the type of person who has to agree to the boundaries that I have in my life. That if I don't have that agreement then I resist those boundaries. And he's right. I've never been one to accept other peoples' boundaries lightly. When I was a child and was told what I couldn't do, I went and did it. One of the reasons I'm self-employed is because I like to work on my own terms. I've always been driven by a need to establish my own boundaries and rules. And yet, in thinking about what Erik has said, I also realize that sometimes I have agreed to boundaries presented to me by other people. What's gotten that agreement to occur has really been more of a consensual agreement than anything else. We came to the agreement together. If we didn't come to the agreement together, then it was a boundary imposed on me and that's what I take issue with. I want to be brought in on any boundary I'm going to live with. This realization helps me recognize that drive for freedom and for consensual agreement as something essential to who I am and to my sense of happiness.

I told Kat today that I was ready to let her love me. That probably seems odd, but in some ways I've always kept a part of myself locked away from anyone, and not allowed that part to be open to being loved. That part is the emptiness and as such its not really a surprise that I've had such an antagonistic relationship with it. I'm not sure how to love or accept it, and I say that even after having worked with it extensively. I don't expect that Kat loving that part is the solution, but I feel it's part of the solution to making peace with that part of myself.

1-11-14 One of the things I've realized recently is how much a person's wounds can end up wounding someone else. You are wounded and you are living your life trying to work that wound out or acting it, and other people around you get wounded because of it. I know I have wounded people in my life with my wounds and I also know they have wounded me with their wounds. I suppose its just part of living life, but when you own your wounds and actively work on healing them and coming to some peace and resolution its good to let other people help you with it. You don't have to be alone with your wound or try to heal it on your own. For so long I've felt alone, but I realize that much of that loneliness has been self-imposed by myself. At the same time part of owning your wound is recognizing how you've wounded other people with it. I feel like I've recognized it multiple times, in all honesty, but that each time I've recognized it, I've developed a deeper understanding of the wound that I lacked before.

1-15-14 I've been doing some thinking about the neurotransmitters and hormones behind that feeling of emptiness I experience. I've been meaning to get back to that work for sometime, but this provides further motivation, because when I feel empty, I know what it feels like on a physiological level as well as an energetic level. And if I pay attention that feeling, then I can take appropriate actions, such as exercising, which does a lot to change the physiological experience in my body each time I exercise.

1-17-14 I've recently started doing a more intensive version of Tae Bo. I've alternated between the original Tae Bo exercise and the new one, but I'm noticing that the original exercise doesn't require the same amount of effort anymore. There is still some effort, but it comes pretty easy, whereas the other is a stretch, but is also starting to get a bit easier. At some point, I see myself phasing the original version out for the more intensive one and then adding another, even more intensive version to that one. There's momentum in all of that and I feel excited to have hit this place where I am feeling able to push myself harder and as a result doing more intensive exercise. Movement, once resistance is tipped, becomes much easier with the right momentum behind it.

I went to a Venus ritual conducted by my friend Erik Roth and a person he was co-leading the ritual. They did a good job with the ritual and explanations . At one point there was a pathworking to meet your inner Venus, your anima really. In my case, it was a tall, steely eyed, dominant woman, with dark hair a subtle, sensual strength to her, my inner woman, and I felt her engage me and tell me that I could draw on her support with the work I was doing around emptiness, but also in any other area of my life. I've always felt in touch with my feminine self, but meeting her in this way was really intriguing in its own right.

1-18-14 I'm reading Born for Love: Why Empathy is Endangered and Essential. The first chapter talks quite a bit about the way babies learn and the bonding experiences they have as babies with their mothers and how essential this bonding behavior is because of what it teaches children about love and empathy. And I realize, given what I know about my very early childhood that I didn't really receive the essential bonding I must have needed. I don't believe I was even with my mother by the time I was 1 and even if I was, from the stories I've been told it was a very chaotic period of life for her and I was a very unhappy baby at that time. And what does all that have to do with love and empathy? From what I can tell this early time is so essential that it plays a significant role in how a person handles love, gives love, etc., and also plays a role in how empathetic a person is. So I wonder then how this has or hasn't effected me. Certainly when I look at the emptiness and my relationship with love, I am struck by how much I am driven to find something to occupy or fill up that sense of emptiness and how my experiences with love have been less about being present with someone and more about filling that sense of emptiness. Being present seems to me to be more about feeling a sense of empathy and connection...wanting to know how the other person feels as opposed to just wanting something from the person. Being present is something I'm still figuring out, and truth to tell I think that if you have a well developed sense of empathy its easier to be present with yourself and consequently with other people as well. Still I'm willing to learn all this and I'm not backing away from the need for it. I'd like to think it could help me be a better person as a result.

1-20-14 I've been meditating a lot on what I read the other day and my reaction to it. I've come to the conclusion that I've never really been present with myself or any other person. When I look at my life in general, let alone relationships with other people, I'm struck by how I'm always focused on the next thing, person, projects, etc. as opposed to really being present with wherever I'm at and whoever I'm with.  To some degree, with Kat, I've learned to become more present, but even so I still find that I'm not really present with myself. Part of it definitely goes back to some of those early life experiences, but part of it also is something within western culture...we haven't been taught how to sit still with ourselves, how to just be. Each day, when I do Zhine meditation, I'm struck by how this meditation is probably one of the hardest for me because it involves just being as opposed to thinking or doing or anything else.

This month has been about drive and I think I've learned a lot about what drives me. I'd like to change what drives me though or learn to work with it differently than I have. I feel that the experiences I'm having as I work with the element of movement and navigate my astrological dark night of the soul are providing a path toward such work. I feel tumultuous and stormy, and yet I also see sunlight peeking through, realizations coming, and an inner sense of self emerging that has more clarity than I have previously ever had.