In this video I discuss the connection between identity and magic, as well as why the concept of identity needs to be explored in further depth in order to understand the process of magic.
Pop culture magic working with Stingray Sam
My dear friend Bill recently introduced me to a movie called Stingray Sam, which is the story of a space cowboy who has to fulfill a mission in order to finish paying off his debt to society. The theme song of the movie is: "Stingray Sam is not a hero, but he does do the things that folks don't do that need to be done. He's got a bravery inside, that won't let him run away, will not let him run!"
I found this song to be very evocative and also found that I really liked the character of Stingray Sam. There was a strong resonance with this character, who isn't necessarily a hero, but is someone who will do the things that other folks won't do. I recognized that he could be a really useful influence for me to draw on, when it came to doing things in my business that I didn't want to do, but knew needed to be done.
Not only would Stingray Sam motivate me to do those things that need to be done, but he would also insist I do them when I didn't want to. At the same time, Stingray Sam has a natural charisma and friendliness that I could draw on with my interactions with people, a kind of integrity that would make those people feel comfortable, without feeling like I was imposing on them.
Recently, I got flyers for my business and have been hitting the streets with them. In my mind, I played the Stingray Sam as I walked around handing out flyers, drawing on his influence to help me be comfortable with something I normally wouldn't do, but also so I could draw on his personality traits, in my interactions with other people. I even adapted my accent to his accent, so that I sounded like him. I noticed that throughout the time I did this, I felt very happy and comfortable. It was rather interesting, and quite useful as well.
I would note that Stingray Sam is most effective when you are doing activities you normally would not do that need to be done, or doing activities that other people don't do that need to be done. I definitely felt an instant connection to this pop culture entity, and would highly recommend to others that you watch the movie, if you want to work with the entity.
Update on Laban work
I've been doing the first set of dance stretches in the Laban book for a little while now and discovered in the process an awareness of my body and its muscles I previously lacked. It's quite an intriguing feeling and it's translated out into the dance floor in terms of some moves I've been doing that previously I wouldn't have thought of. I also have used it as part of my paratheatrical work and one of my next paratheatrical works is going to involve using excitatory work to get in touch with my body consciousness, per the suggestion of a reader of this blog. I find that Laban combines very nicely with paratheatrical work in terms of getting the body revved up, but this will a further experiment of actually using Laban to work with my body consciousness directly.
On a different note, I did take a different tact with the body work, in terms of inhibitory meditation and found that focusing just on one cell led to better results in terms of working with the consciousness of the cell and getting another possible direction I can take my time work as a result.
Why I choose to use my name publically
When I was eighteen, I was outed from the broom closet by the parents of a friend. I remember coming home and being told by my mom that I had a half hour to either burn my books or move out. I had no job, half a tank of gas, and was in high school, so I opted to burn the books, though I hid the ones I hadn't read. I remember she even made me burn my books of magic comic series just because it had the word magic in it. I also remember feeling shame for my choice and a week later telling her that if she ever made me make that choice again I would disown her. Half a year later, still eighteen, I remember getting a phone call from one of the parents of that friend. He threatened to kill me and sang hymns, telling me how I was damned to hell for my beliefs. I told him I had a crossbow bolt for him and called the police. He didn't call after the police had called him, but those two experiences helped me realize something fundamental: Hiding my beliefs wasn't the answer. By hiding my beliefs I encouraged the very ignorance those people displayed toward me. I determined that I would never hide my beliefs. I wrote my books using my name, regardless of what professional or personal consequences might occur, because I knew that it was more important to be transparent than to hide what I believe because of the ignorance and fear of others.
Fast forward to the present. I am kinky, poly, and an occultist. I'm also a self-employed business and social media consultant. If you google my name you'll find a mixture of all of these realities in the search results. I was told recently by a business mentor that several people felt the dragon on my business site was occultish. I doubt they'd actually searched my name, but I recall telling her that if they were that freaked out by the logo then they'd be even more freaked out by my beliefs.
Ironically, perhaps, I've encountered people in the business world that have told me that they also practice magic...so perhaps my openness has encouraged them to be more open as well. What I do know is this: By choosing to be open about my beliefs I feel that I'm making a statement of integrity and hopefully educating the ignorant in the process that my beliefs do not destine for hell or make me an unsuitable person in any other way, shape, or form.
I will never hide my choices or who I am, to make it convenient for someone else. If you choose not to do business with me because of my spiritual and lifestyle choices, or choose to judge me because of your own inadequacies, it's not my problem. I cannot and will not lessen myself for any person or business just to coddle their sense of reality. I'd rather people accepted me for who I am, and while in the course of my business day, I don't blatantly advertise my lifestyle choices and beliefs, if the conversation comes up I don't hide it either. Because when we choose to hide, that's when we lose.
Body consciousness experiment
Today I decided to start working with the consciousness of my body and its perception of time. My first step was to do a meditation where I got in touch with the consciousness of my body as an overarching consciousness. In other words, instead of trying to connect with just a cell, I would try to connect with my entire body's sense of consciousness. I think my approach to this was informed by being human, and the human tendency to think of consciousness as singular. I'm not sure how effective that was, in this particular case. I did start out small, with one cell, and thought that I might connect with the entire consciousness by getting the cell to communicate to other cells a consistent message. This did seem to work to some degree, as I got to a point where I had a definite impression I was in touch with what I might consider to be a body consciousness that was comprised of multiple consciousnesses that were focused on communicating together to communicate with me, but it didn't feel (for lack of better word) right. Nor was it really helpful for me, in terms of working with the sense of time. Instead what I did get was a communication of urgency, which pushed me out of trance and got me into the bathroom. I can't say the body didn't communicate, for it surely did, but I think I will take a different tack to this experiment next time. Still you can't know what will work until you try and trying this approach did help some. I just don't think it's the right approach...
Review of The Hidden Brain
Review of The Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam Proponents of mindfulness and conscious intent may be disappointed when they read this book and realize just how much our unconscious dictates and influences our decisions. The author isn't afraid to tackle tough issues, such as how the hidden brain influences people's thinking about racial and gender issues, as well as how the group mind can actually harm you as opposed to help you. I found this to be a fascinating read because the author presents some compelling evidence that supports his claim and shows just how much the unconscious effects everyday life and decisions. I recommend this book as a refreshing and eye-opening perspective on how we make decisions.
5 out of 5
Tattoos as magical oaths
I was looking at the green wolf paw tattoo that I got shortly after Lupa and I got married. We're getting divorced now, but it never once occurred to me to get the tattoo removed. In fact, I intend to keep it, because it's a very significant tattoo to me, as are all my other ones. I consider my body to be the most powerful magical "tool" I have. It is a physical embodiment of my life, and a record of that living. When I get a tattoo on my body, I am placing a record of a significant even, entity, or person in my life, but also taking a magical oath in relationship to that event, entity, or person, as it pertains to my life.
My first tattoo is a red orange phoenix with my symbol on it. I got it to signify my choice to move from the East to the West, to signify a Rebirth in my life. It marks my choice to rebirth my life completely and its fair to say since moving to the West coast, I have rebirthed my life in ways I couldn't even imagine.
My second Tattoo is the Green Wolf Paw, with an L in it. It represents Lupa. I got it because I wanted to mark in my skin the permanence of my relationship with Lupa. While we're no longer romantic partners and will soon be divorced, Lupa is a significant person in my life. She will always be in my life, in some capacity just by the fact that we wrote a book together. I'm comfortable with that idea.
My third Tattoo is a Blue Dragon. The Blue Dragon represents PDX and Northern Oregon. It's a magical oath that signifies the recognition that Portland and the surrounding area is my home and a place I intend to live for the rest of my life. While I have admittedly not visited many other countries, I have been all over the US and this is the one place that has always felt like home.
My fourth Tattoo is a pair of eyes and a phrase: From 0 to 1. It represents the year of emptiness work, my connection with my highest self and my vow to recognize and appreciate emptiness, instead of trying to fill it. From 0 to 1 also signifies the choice to manifest possibility into pro-activity, instead of reactivity.
All of these tattoos are powerful for me. They are something I can't remove, because even if I did remove them, something would be left. They are a record of my life, but also oaths I've taken. I've only realized that recently in a fully conscious way, but this recognition speaks mindfully to me of the choices I've made in my life.
A meditation on love
This morning I decided to meditate on love, and more specifically on a realization I had of a pattern of getting involved with people I showed interest in over the last couple of years who, in one form or another, didn't fully return the interest. This includes people I would actually have a romantic relationship with. This pattern is a variant of a pattern I used to have where I'd only get involved with people I knew would reject me. I did a Taoist dissolving technique and used the breath to lead me to the place where I felt the physical blockage, around my heart. I sat with the blockage, letting the breath go in and out, and around the blockage, gradually loosening up the feeling of tension in my body. As the tension dissipated, I let the emotions "talk" to me, show me really what the issue is. In this case, I saw myself restraining myself to fit into what I thought other people wanted. I could see this belt across my body. It fit uncomfortable and it was being used to constrain and restrain me.
I decided to undo the belt. I pulled it out of it's clasp, and slipped it off. Immediately my body seemed to relax. And I heard," It's more important to be you than to try and fit yourself to other people's expectations. Aren't you tired of trying to be something you aren't?
Good advice. I am tired of holding myself back...not letting myself be the passionate, intense person I can be. I've tried to stuff myself into a box, with my relationships, instead of being true with myself and recognizing when a relationship isn't a good fit for me. And in the process I've hurt myself and the person I was trying to be a fit for.
I took the belt off and realized that I'm ready to be done with relationships where I'm trying to fit into what that person wants. I'd rather be myself and be appreciated for that, without having to constrain myself. And sure I'm willing to collaborate with someone, to figure out how we can be positive influences in each other's lives, but I don't want to be afraid that I'm too much or too intense for someone.
I kept breathing in and out, and gradually came back to this moment, this space, yet different. I don't feel so tense...so constrained.
One reason Why I don't worship gods
I was playing Assassin's Creed 2 recently and there was a point in the game, where the protagonist makes a brief speech that really resonated with me. He said the famous line of the assassins: "Nothing is True, Everything is Permitted", but then went on to tell the people that it was more important to find your own truth than to follow someone else and that too many people allowed themselves to the follow the truth of someone else, instead of choosing to discover their own truths. He noted that you could learn from other people, but that ultimately in the end you had to discover your own truth and walk your own path. And that...that really resonates with me. And it always has. I remember when I was a teenager and for a brief time, a born again Christian, that the pastor of the church I attended saw I read fantasy books and told me that those books were sinful and that the content was only about sinful things. And I remember thinking how limited that perspective was, and how I couldn't endorse believing in a god that was so narrow and limited, and I realized that at some point I wouldn't be a Christian, because being one was antithetical to who I am: A person who is full of curiosity and who wants to walk his own path, instead of following someone else. I realized I could not follow the path of the Christian God, because it wasn't my path or truth, and it never would be.
Little wonder then when I discovered magic was real that I also found, for myself, the beginning of the path I walk to this day, one where I ask the question and find the answers, where ultimately it is up to me to save myself, as opposed to having someone else die for my supposed sins.
And my encounters with Pagans who have, in their own way, expressed a similar fanaticism, a belief that there is a one true way (tm) and that the god(s) are the purveyors of that truth only convinces me further that following the path of another ultimately, for me, leads to a place that isn't my truth. It may be the truth of those other people, but I find that when you hand over your authority to another being and let that being dictate your choices, at that point you also give away your truth and allow it to be subsumed to the truth of another being.
I can work with a god. I can respect it, but I just can't worship it. Some will call that pride. It is a fundamental recognition that nothing is true and everything is permitted and if that is the case, then it is permitted for me to walk my own path and find my own truth and be responsible for it. And there are consequences for making that choice, but there is also freedom and knowing in the end that I am walking my path, pursuing my truth and that when I encounter the gods or other beings they are guides with information that represents a perspective to help me appreciate the journey I am on, but that is all they need to be for me, and I can give them respect for that.
And to be fair, I do recognize that for many people having a relationship where they worship a god or gods is the truth that works for them and is meaningful to them...and so long as they can do that in a way where it doesn't negatively impact others, I wish them the best on their journey to their respective truths, but I see so much harm committed in the name of deities, in the choice to follow what someone else says. I see it, and I cannot help but think that if these people chose to be fully responsible for themselves, to stop following the words written in a book, or told to them by some person or entity, but instead to question everything and to choose their actions carefully because they could recognize that they and they alone were responsible for their actions, that perhaps they wouldn't be so inclined to harm others just to prove how much they worship a god or how well they follow the path another provides them.
Announcement of new book - Neuro-Space Time Magic
I'm at Pantheacon this weekend. On Friday I presented my talk on Space/Time magic and included some new material on identity and cultural analyses of space and time. It was very well received. Later today I'll be at the Immanion press author panel co-hosting it with Lupa. I want to announce that I have started writing my new book Neuro Space Time Magic. I'm just about finished with the first chapter. I'll be making periodical updates on here as I progress with it.
In a Saturnian phase of build-up
I had an astrology reading done the other day. Given the recent changes in my life, I thought it might be useful to get an idea of the planetary influences I was dealing with. Appropriately enough, what I learned was that Saturn is playing a fairly role in my life right now. It's appropriate because of the time magic aspect that is rather significant to my life right now. Of particular note as well was that this particular influence of Saturn signifies a building period in my life, a period of creation. This makes sense to me, actually. The last five years I've spent cleaning my life out of my own issues and dysfunctions. Since switching to Time, I've felt that focus shift from purification to building something new. In someways, even the year in emptiness saw that, with the focus on my business, but the last couple of months has seen me actively working on what I would consider to be a new approach to my spirituality, and to my life overall. It was an insightful reading and confirmed a lot of details for me about the circumstances in my life and where I'm going with it. The divorce was really the final purification, and consequently in every way right now I am free to rebuild my life. I must say I am actually happy about that and look forward to seeing what I can do with it. In other news, I've been reading the Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam and have found the consequent insights about how the unconscious influences the conscious mind to be very useful in understanding situations that have occurred in the past, as well as present situations. I see this unconscious influence in how people will indulge in what are ultimately dysfunctional relationships because of cultural and social pressures to fit a certain image. It also confirms some ideas I have about identity and how it is shaped. I've actually started writing my next solo book on identity and magic. I'm only two pages in, but I'm putting in a bit of time each night, to keep motivated and focused.
And my final thought is of love and how toxic love as a cultural concept can be. Love doesn't cure all, and sometimes, many times, it traps us in situations that we'd be better off leaving...or rather the cultural beliefs about love trap us.
Future obsession, present awareness
The present unfolds when a need is met that previously was bothering you to the point of obsession. The shift of energy away from that place of obsession frees up awareness of the present and can help a person get more focused on living in the present. When you have an obsession, you're always living in the future, living in that moment of imagining what will happen when the obsession is realized. Nothing else exists after that moment and in many ways nothing exists before it. A person living in the present is likely free of such obsessions. S/he is living in the moment, hopefully aware of multiple possibilities, but not overly attached to any specific outcome. This occurs when we can leave behind the focus on the future and/or have the obsessions that fuel the focus on the future met. The clarity that results when those obsessions are realized is a clarity of purpose and awareness, for those obsessions no longer occupy your thoughts or emotions, freeing both resources up. The issue then is can a person keep those resources for the present or have them snapped up into the future?
Some thoughts on pop culture personas
I was in Vegas this last weekend and got to see Criss Angel perform. If you don't know who Criss Angel, he is a really popular stage magician. He's been on a couple shows and does some really good performances. He's also quite a favorite of the ladies. The next day I went to a signing he was doing with a friend of mine and it was interesting because when she got to him, he mentioned how tired he looked and how if he took his sunglasses off, he looked like crap and she told him that he'd never look that way. And what was so interesting about that exchange was that Criss the person might feel like crap, but to this fan, my friend, the pop culture persona of Criss could not ever look like or feel like crap...and it was that persona she wanted to interact with, that idealized version of Criss as opposed to the very real person of Criss who was tired and felt like crap that day. To me this exchange demonstrates a fundamental truth of pop culture magic, as applied to celebrities, which is that what fans interact with isn't the real person, but rather the idealized persona god-form of the celebrity. The fan interacts with the celebrity, but not so much with the real person. So Criss, for example, is tired and tells this person that, but to her, he can't be tired or look anything other than how she wants to see him...so what she's interacting with is Criss the pop culture entity, as opposed to Criss the person.
The peril of celebrity is that it creates an entity which is the celebrity persona, who is different from the real person. And it is the celebrity persona entity that ends up taking over most of the interactions that this person has. Fed into this persona is all the expectations and desires of the fans. This persona consequently is the shadow of the real person and can have quite an effect on the real person, in terms of behavior, because that person is trying to live up to fan expectations via the effect the persona has on him/her. There is a stress or pressure on the person that is created by the celebrity persona entity, which is fed by the desires of the fans. Ultimately the behavior of the celebrity can be influenced by those same fans to some degree, because its what feeds the celebrity persona entity.
Are you a Traditionalist?
A reader asked me yesterday, after I posted my review of Evola's book on Buddhism, if I agreed with Evola's traditionalist views in other areas, because I liked Evola's work. When I posted the review to Amazon, I'd noticed traditionalism come up as a possible tag, first time I ever came across the word actually. Let me just say that assuming I'm anything based on what I read is at best an erroneous assumption. It's true I like Julius Evola's writing. And if we were to research Julius the person, we would find out he was a fascist and I guess a traditionalist as well (maybe they are even one and the same!). But I'm not interested in Evola's political beliefs and don't find them relevant to my practice. Nor, really, am I concerned with labeling his spiritual practices or my own as traditionalist.
In fact, I'm not really interesting in trying to label my own practices either. The most I've ever done is to label myself as an experimental magician, an even that label is one I rely on less these days. What's really important afterall is not the label, but rather what one is actually doing.
So for me, Evola's writing, which I like because he's a good scholar and offers some intriguing perspectives on what he writes about, whether it's Buddhism or Tantra, or Hermeticism, or an article on time magic, is important because I find it relevant to my spiritual practice. Frex, the book on Buddhism offered some useful insights into early Buddhist texts and practices, and proved helpful in my emptiness working.
But even though I like his works, it shouldn't be assumed that I'm a traditionalist or anything else that Evola was. I am, after all, not Julius Evola (last I checked). Nor because I've read Edward Hall and liked his work, should it be assumed I hold to his political beliefs or his approach to anthropology or anything else. Liking someone's writing doesn't mean you agree with all of it or that you hold the same beliefs as someone.
But really what I'm saying is this: Labels are at best an illusion crafted to provide us and others the security (a false one) of being able to say this person is this or that. But what if I'm not?
I read what I read because I find it important to cultivate an awareness of a wide variety of perspectives and beliefs so that I can see how those perspectives inform my spiritual and indeed, overall life. So am I a traditionalist? Likely not.
But I am me...and I do enjoy learning and applying what I learn toward living a better life. I hope you do as well.
Review of The Silent Language by Edward T. Hall
In this book, Hall explores the intricacies of time and space from a cultural studies perspective. Although this book is a bit dated, the information is still very relevant, and what Hell offers is an examination of how much our perception of time influences our cultural and everyday interactions. For example, learning just how tightly time is wound for Americans as opposed to other cultures is quite insightful to the workaholicism that pervades American culture. Hall touches on some aspects of space as well, though you'll find more of his thoughts on it, in the hidden dimension. What I most enjoyed about this book is an exploration of time from a social science perspective as opposed to a hard science perspective. I definitely recommend it to anyone interested in understanding concepts of space and time.
5 out of 5 stars
Continual shifts in my philosophy of magic
My philosophy and overall approach to magic has shifted a lot in this last year in particular, but even in preceding years before this. It has become less about overt rituals and sigilization and other more visible techniques of magic and has moved into a quieter and more subtle practice, even as my studies and experiments have moved more toward a deeper end of the pool. The exploration of the concepts of identity and their relationship to magic has necessitated a very different approach, because its rooted much more in what I would consider the core of a person. It's not about fixing a situation or getting a job, so much as its about making changes at a deeper level of being, which when realized, changes the surface layer very quickly, because the changes have been building up and moving through the various layers of identity and personality to imprint themselves on the embodiment of selves I manifest in this life. I'm continuing to move further and further away from traditional concepts and definitions of magic. While to most, magic may be the art and science of causing change to manifest according to the will, that definition feels inadequate to me, and pretty much always has. But even the definitions of magic that I do have respect for...there's something missing. The last few years, with the continued internal work has continually shown me that. The more I read outside of the occult books, the more I recognize perspectives that could contribute to much to magical experimentation and process that are mostly ignored because they don't fit within the occult paradigm perse.
I don't identify with the mutant occulture movement. I don't identify with the chaos magician, the ceremonial magician, or any of the other labels. I don't identify with the occult culture. My time spent studying and learning the various perspectives and approaches to magic provided me a useful process and way of examining my relationship with the universe, but it wasn't until I actively started looking external to traditional occultism that I began to develop an appreciation for taking a more detailed look at the microcosm, and how I did or didn't impact that microcosm, or how it effected me in turn. The original impulse for getting into magic was to claim some form of empowerment by getting involved in it. That impulse has changed to a more introspective approach. Empowerment can be found in a variety of outlets, but what then is empowerment? What does it really mean to "have" power? And do we really have any of that? And where does it really come from?
If Magic is a process for change where is it most effective to enable that change? And beside the overt change in the world as a result of practicing magic, what is the more subtle change, if any which occurs? I think about these questions more than I used to, especially as I continue to research and explore alternate perspectives and beliefs involving a person as a change agent. I'm questioning my spirituality, my beliefs, and my identity, because in the questioning I'm finding myself visiting places I never thought to go before...but where it'll go, I'm not sure. And that seems to be a good thing...not knowing where it'll go, what will develop as a result. That's been the emptiness working for me...but its also the rest of my workings as well. It's moved out of experimentation for experimentation's sake and into experimentation for as a journey and evolution.
Cultural identity shifts
I talked about family identity and individual identity patterns in my last post, but in Outliers, Gladwell also discusses cultural patterns and heritage and how it can impact the way people work together, how well they learn particular subjects. Of course this has all been written about elsewhere as well, but the focus in Gladwell's work is particularly relevant to my own identity work, because he discusses how cultural patterns of identity can be shifted by introducing alternate cultural patterns of identity, especially through language. The case study he provides, where Korean pilots were trained to speak English as the first part of a rigorous change in how they flew airplanes is really interesting, because it shows how the introduction of a different language successfully allowed the pilots to, while flying the airplane, get away from cultural memes that actually hindered their communication when flying the planes before. Basically written within any language is the cultural memes that accompany the language. If you want to change those cultural memes, or cultural identity, introducing another language, with its cultural identity can be a useful way to do so. Language is the obvious route for this kind of identity work, but from personal experience, I've also found that studying another culture's practices and integrating those practices (spiritual in my case) into your life can be a useful method of shifting your cultural identity. This is also true with subculture identities as well, and even "class" identities, though social class is just another form of subculture identity. If you can successfully integrate cultural practices from a different subculture identity than your own, you can use those practices to break out of your cultural identities. In fact, I think they could also be useful for helping you break out of family identity patterns. Certainly some of the wealth magic work has involved utilizing different cultural identity patterns from other subcultures outside of the ones I'm familiar with. Those identity patterns have been useful for changing many of my beliefs about finances, networking, small business development etc. Of course by using different cultural identities, I end up assuming those identities...but it's also made it easier to resist family identity patterns that continue to believe in identity structures that are less healthy for my entrepreneurial work.
The cultural identity shift is a larger identity shift, a backdrop against which family and individual identity shifts also occur. They are easier to enact on a personal level than family identity shifts, because they don't have the same type of history on a personal level. But I suspect they can help create momentum to enable family identity shifts as well. Unfortunately to prove some of that would ultimately involve several generations of family after myself and since I don't plan to have kids, it may not be so easily proven. Regardless, I can at least continue to explore how my own integration of entrepreneurial cultural practices as well as Taoist and Buddhist cultural practices contributes to the shifting of identity patterns I desire to change.
Outliers, patterns of success and identity
I'm reading Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell. It's a very interesting book, as all of his books are, and in this particular case has prompted some thoughts on identity, based off of what he's writing about. Outliers are people who are significantly different, in terms of how they succeeded, from the usual cases of success. However, these are not self-made people (if there is such a thing). Rather Gladwell argues that examining their cultural and family background can provide clues as to how these people achieved success. He makes a very convincing case, from what I've read so far, and most importantly shown what I think is another facet of identity in the process. That facet of identity is the cultural and familial models of behavior and practice that inform how a person handles situations that occur in life. These models or patterns of behavior are displayed to a person from early childhood on and they influence how a person makes choices from careers and finances to love and friendship. These patterns can be changed, but changing them involves challenging not just the immediate familial and cultural beliefs and practices, but also a history of them that has influenced previous generations in their choices and actions.
I was reminded of that today, when I was talking with dad about another family member and made the remark that her problems with finances were a direct result of a pattern of belief that a person had to struggle in order to be happy and that she should just focus on her business and not worry about what could happen. My wife, listening to this conversation, accurately pointed out that I participated in this same pattenr of behavior fairly recently myelf...and she's right. And I've been working on changing this pattern, but I realized that this pattern isn't just part of my identity, but also part of one side of my family's pattern of identity. And that pattern of identity reaches down through the generations to influence the current generation, in this case me. Which isn't to say it can't be changed, because in yet another synchronous conversation with a distant relative I just met today, there was discussion about how a couple of generations ago there was a shift toward getting a college degree by the different members of the family. At some point the gene-erational patterns for the family identity shifted into a different identity for the majority of the family and that pattern is now accepted as something essential to the family identity (if they wouldn't look at it in quite that way).
In Outliers, it's suggested that the identity of success is best realized through patterns of behavior that encourage that identity in the overall family. I would posit that this also applies to other patterns of behavior exhibited in a family and that the sense of identity a person cultivates is partially informed by the family identities that s/he is a part of. When a person wants to change his/her identity, change a pattern of identity/behavior s/he probably does need to account for the weight of the family identity and how it will either provide momentum or resistance to the change. For example, my desire to change my financial patterns and identity is an ongoing process of not only changing that part of my identity in myself, but also starting to change that identity within my family's identity of it (or at least one side of my family). Indeed, I would suspect that for my change in identity to be fully successful, it could be useful to interact with the spirits of my family and show them the benefit of that change, so that they could retroactively start the change in previous generations, providing more momentum behind the changes of identity I'm currently engaged in. Hmmm...now there's an idea for an experiment. I need to give it a try and see what happens.
Assorted matters
I've been feeling a bit stagnant in my magical practice lately. I've been doing my daily rituals, my emptiness working, and even have been involved in a economic activism experiment I hope to post about soon, but being at Heartland did remind me of how important it can be to get out of the usual patterns and push yourself into some new places. I have to admit my emptiness working has perhaps caused some of this feeling of stagnation. To some degree everything in my life feels empty at times and it can be hard to face that.
At Heartland, I ended up doing a fair amount of energy work with one of the people I met there and it reminded me of some of the practices I've done in the past with energy work, so today while having a conversation with Lupa, I asked her to run energy with me. We both noted that the energy between us felt strong and steady, speaking to a strong connection between us. I'd run energy with other people and found different variations, which seemed to speak to the connections I felt with each person. I may be trying more of this as a way to ground my awareness into the connection I have with a given person.
Also at Heartland, I ended up picking up some clothing, which included Hakama pants and a black vest with colorful patterns on it. When I combined the vest and pants with a mesh shirt and my black hat I found I'd created a ritual garb for myself, which very much invoked my connection with Xah. I've already got some ideas on how I can enhance that ritual costume further, which I'll be trying out soon...both for magical work and also for another type of scene. I want to play to my roots as a ceremonial magician more, albeit with my own flair and imagination. It's been a while since I've used some of the more ceremonial aspects of my magical practice, but I think it will be a fun challenge for me.
Book Review: Mapping the Dharma by Paul Gerhard
I found this book to be very readable and easy to follow. I really appreciated how it was set up to explain Buddhism in a very approachable manner, with clear and concise explanations of what Buddhism is about. While I'm already familiar with Buddhism, the author's way of explaining the core concepts and different components of it really helped me understand a lot more about Buddhism. I came away with a much more solid understanding of Buddhism, its practices and how I could incorporate it into my life.
5 out of 5 meditators
When Elephants Weep: The Emotional Lives of Animals by By Jeffery Masson and Susan McCarthy
This was a thought-provoking book about the emotional lives of animals and how much we take for granted by trying to assume that only humans can feel emotions. The authors provided a wide variety of anecdotes from their own experiences as well as the experiences of others. They show that animals can feel emotions and also interact in a variety of ways that go beyond traditional scientific reports on them. This book also raises some important questions about how we treat animals. My only complaint would be that at times the authors are very biased about how they feel, which consequently tones down some of what they attempt to convey to readers.
4 out of 5 animals
Why demonization of others doesn't work
I just finished reading the Madness of George W. Bush by Paul Levy and in it, he mentions something which speaks to what I often find problematic when it comes to political activism, namely the tendency to demonize the people being demonstrated against: The (arche)typical political activists, in fighting against Bush as if he was separate from themselves, unwittingly act as a conduit to create and sustain the very thing they are fighting against. By fighting Bush, they are unconsciously reacting against something in themselves, which simply perpetuates the diabolical polarization in the field. Political activists resisting Bush without realizing that he is an embodied reflection of a part of themselves, lack genuine compassion. Not recognizing what they are fighting against is something within themselves ultimately causes them to not be helpful. On the contrary, they are secretly complicit in perpetuating the very problem to which they are reacting...reactive resistance is a habitual pattern in which we are unconsciously reacting to something out of fear and avoidance, which just gives power to the very thing we are resisting. In reactive resistance, we are possessed by and complicit in the evil we are fighting against.
Levy does also focus on proactive resistance:
Proactive resistance is an activity in which we consciously and creatively respond out of a sense of empowerment. Proactive resistance is when we step into the role of standing up for ourselves when our situation invites-or shall we say, demands-that we pick up this role. Proactive resistance is when speak with our true voice, a truly loving, healing, and compassionate act.
I wish Levy would've focused more on the prpactive resistance and how one becomes proactively resistant...but I agree with the point he makes, and in fact it speaks to my own issues when it comes to political activists, because so often what I really see is an us vs. them mentality with them being demonized as much as possible. The demonization, ironically, actually gives more power to the people being demonized, because suddenly they are larger than life demons actively plaguing the world. Certainly Bush was treated as a demon while he was president, which in many ways reinforced his power. But the same can be applied to how people treat cops for example. Cops, to one degree or another, are often demonized as a force which is out to repress, brutalize, and otherwise beat down people who show dissent. Rarely, if ever, do protesters actually consider that the cops are human beings as well (and yes I'm guilty of this to some degree as well). I say that, because the writing I see all too often from peopel who consider themselves political activists is focused on objectifiying and demonizing what they don't like, while not even recognizing that in doing so they are acting out the very same kind of oppression, close-mindedness, and to some degree bigotry they claim to hate.
It's much harder to treat someone you genuinely don't like with compassion, but I often find that what you don't like in someone is usually a mirror to an issue you don't like about yourself. That's not to say the person doesn't demonstrate behavior that is dislikeable, but what buttons is that behavior pushing in you? Learning to be compassionate, with yourself, and with others necessarily makes those people human to you...and actually takes away a lot of the power in the demonization that they would otherwise receive. It's certainly something to remember...do I really need to put so much energy into someone that I make that person into a demon who can wield such power over me that I do whatever I can to demonize them even further? Seems to me the person who is demonized wins in a way...because you can't see that person as a person...you see that person as an embodied force which has power over you.
The solution then is to view the person as a person...to be compassionate toward that person while still holding to your values and boundaries. Once a person is no longer demonized, you've reclaimed your power. You are no longer resisting, but instead acting on the situation.
Review of the Madness of George W. Bush by Paul Levy
I found this book to be an insightful look at how George Bush has been demonized and how that's really reflective of a process of how people externalize their own issues and project them on to other people. Levy builds a strong case for how the madness and demonization of Bush is ultimately something we are all responsible for by our choice to treat Bush as a being of such evil and harm and ignorance that we can't see the human person that he is.
If there's one thing I really would have liked to have seen from Levy, it would be more focus on the solution to the madness of Bush. He only writes a few chapters on that solution and ultimately doesn't spend enough time showing how it can be implemented or how to utilize the concepts he speaks of to make active and healthy changes in our lives. He's able to prove his point about how the shadow self can manifest and be projected, but more focus on what to do with that shadow self, how to work with it, etc., would have been really nice.
4 out of 5 dreamers
Elemental Emptiness Month 6: The Hermit and Fear
3-15-09 I'm in a foul mood tonight. I essentially got told by my spirit guide for this working (one of them anyway) that I have to step up and face my fear of being alone, and accept the very real possibility that I may always be alone. He feels that this fear and the desire that goes along with it is holding me back from a lot of things I need to accomplish. I can't even disagree with him, because I see his point. He's right...this fear is holding me back and he's pointed out that I need to work with the Hermit to deal with this fear...and I don't want to. I feel really resistant and angry, because I just don't want to go into this space. Yet I know I need to. This fear goes hand in hand with my fear of being consumed by my emptiness. I deal with one, I find the way to deal with the other. And I will do this, but tonight I just feel...angry, vulnerable, and yes, very, very alone. In some ways I'm finally realizing just how much some of my desires have lead me to attachments, which have held me back...and I feel pathetic for letting it happen...yet also realize a profound point I read just yesterday. "Thou are but mortal" I am mortal...I have my weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and attachments. And that's part of the human experience...accepting that what you may want, etc., may never ultimately occur. It's a place I don't want to go, but I have to.
3-16-09 I started work with the hermit today and he wasn't pulling any punches with me. He spoke with me about my fear of being alone and showed me the connection to my fear of being consumed by emptiness. Then he pointed out that a big reason the Sith mythos had come up a lot in this working is because of that fear, reminding me that the character of Darth Vader had his fall because of his inability to accept his fear, while acting on it. He asked me at the end if it would really be so bad if I did realize that I am alone in certain fundamental respects. I have no answer for him, but I do acknowledge just how much that fear has fed into expectations I have about relationships I get involved with.
3-17-09 Today the Hermit showed me how my fear of being alone links into the fear of being consumed by emptiness. The latter fear is fear of the loss of ego/individual personality, but the former fear is linked to the latter in the sense of not having anyone to connect with, in order to anchor that identity and also to stave off the emptiness. Convoluted? Yes...but interesting as well, because it does show how one fear can be linked to another or as Tsultrim Allione put it, how one demon is a relative to another demon.
3-19-09 Last couple of days has been crazy busy, so I ended up jotting down keywords to remember for this part of the post...On Tuesday, in therapy, got into a really long conversation, which essentially boiled down to me recognizing some very fundamental issues about my feeling of disconnect with Lupa. What I realized is that sometimes I don't really feel she connects with me on an empathic level. And to be fair to her, I know sometimes I don't, because I'll get caught up in trying to find a solution as opposed to actually listening to her and what she has to say about a situation...as well as showing empathy for what she is feeling in that moment. And this issue extends fairly deep into our communication with each other. Sometimes she feels that when I tell her about some technique or experiment I'm doing, that there's an expectation that I will want her to do it, while I actually simply want to tell her about something I find interesting. Realizing this, as well as realizing how this disconnect has occurred in other areas of our communication has given me a better perspective on how to handle communication on my end. I've caught myself several times starting to offer solutions, and stopped myself from doing it, realizing that I wasn't listening to her like I really needed to. So I'm going to work on being more empathetic in my listening with her and with others.
The other day, after a date, I felt a large sense of emptiness. I'd had a wonderful time, really enjoyed my date, but I felt empty afterwards and I felt unsatisfied on some deep level, and I realized it had nothing to do with the date and everything to do with how I've approached relationships. And in fact the Hermit and Xah agree.
I've been asked by the Hermit whether I really know what enough means when it comes to relationships. What, he asks, is enough for you? When do you feel satisfaction with the relationships that you have? When do you stop seeking and start appreciating? And my answer is that I've never really stopped at all. I'm terrified I'll miss out on an opportunity with someone if I do say enough...and yet I am missing out on my relationships with the people I do have in my life. I am missing out on those moments of intimacy and connection, because I am so busy trying to attain some "ideal" relationship, some perfect union...and never really stopping to see if I could already have it, or better yet, simply acknowledge what I do have and feel grateful for having it. If you always seek and never stop, what do you really have in the end? That's what the hermit has asked...Both he and Xah point out that my fear is stopping me from enjoying a lot of my life as much as I could and also stopping me from getting to a lot of pursuits I could be doing, because of how much energy I'm putting into searching for some ideal magical partner. Today a friend pointed out that if I stop looking and just be still, maybe what I've looked for so much will finally manifest. And maybe it will, but whether or not it does, I'd like to actually stop and appreciate what I do have...
3-21-09 The last few days I've been watching/observing/monitoring my awareness and I've recognized that sometimes I get really caught up in seeking, in trying to find a person, so caught up in it that I don't enjoy the moment I'm in. Catching myself in this behavior is unpleasant...It's not a behavior I care for, but consciously acknowledging that part of me is always trying to find someone to fill me up is important. The hermit tells me that this is where so much of my energy has gone, and I see it, in my awareness of this seeking on my part. I've always tried to find something in someone else to fill me up, to somehow complete me, yet nothing I've found has ever done that. I'm reminded of a scene in one of my favorite fantasy books, where the character has just killed his mistress and his cousin who was sleeping with his mistress, after discovering that they were sabotaging his company. He is called out by his best friend on the fact that he finds yet another woman desirable. That friend tells him that he's really just trying to fill up something in himself with those people, but not looking within himself at all. And that sounds like me (sans the killing part). I've looked and looked and looked...I've caught myself wondering if such and such person was going to be the magical partner I was always looking for...and I've neglected in the process some of the most important relationships I do have.
It's hard to admit that, and hard to face the fact that some part of me has been so desperate to fill myself up with something and that I've looked for so long to other people, put so much of my energy to finding someone, without really asking myself why or what it was accomplishing. Recognizing this is the first step and recognizing how it's tied to my fear of being alone and being consumed is also part of why I've looked so much, to find someone who somehow takes all that fear away. But no one can do that for me, except me. It's time to stop looking so much and start appreciating what I have and also find in myself, the resources I need to handle my fears and the emptiness.
3-22-09 The Hermit is the seeker, which is ironic I guess, but in a ways perhaps not, because who better to know when to stop seeking than the seeker? Well he seems to know that anyway. I'm still learning that I don't have to continue seeking, that it might be unhealthy to do so. I'm also learning to let go of the past...because what was can sometimes hide what could be.
3-24-09 Therapy today provided useful for externalizing some of my internal stream when it comes to how I deal with romantic possibilities. The fact is I've devoted a fair amount of mental and emotional energy to finding the idealized one...right down to fantasizing what it would be like to date this person or that person. I've caught myself doing it a few different times this week and when I catch myself doing it, I don't punish myself, but instead ask what it is I really see in that person that makes me think whatever it is I'm thinking. And usually it's illusion of some kind or another...little hopes flittering about, but not with much in the way of substance.
The other thing I've been realizing is that I can give myself permission not to have sex or be involved with someone just because that person feels interested in me. I haven't always realized that...or rather I haven't always had good boundaries about it. I've felt that if someone showed interest, I should show interest in return, even if I wasn't really interested, because maybe I'd miss out on an opportunity or maybe this person would be the idealized lover. Needless to say, this kind of choice or behavior on my part isn't exactly healthy and has hurt some people as well as myself in the past. So realizing I can say no, realizing I don't actually have to sleep with someone is really powerful. I can say no...I can choose to let an opportunity go by and better yet I can simply appreciate the person as a friend, instead of having to make her into a lover.
3-27-09 "You live too much in the future" I was told that last night by the Moon Goddess. In meditating with the Hermit today there was some agreement, a noting that looking toward the future so much is its own sign of seeking for something to fill me up, and again the question, "When is what you have in this moment enough? When do you know you have enough?" I'm left with no answer, because I don't know. I just realize that both the Moon Goddess and the Hermit are right. I do spend a lot of time in the future, as opposed to just appreciating the present. And I recognize how much that behavior has created my seeking, as well as feeding my fears when it comes to being alone. I realize that part of me seeks stability, seeks some kind of grounding in the relationships I have with people, but also attempts to fill this void up within me with those relationships, while not actually standing still and being present in the moment. I suppose I always looked to the future, because in the circumstances I grew up in, I always wanted to get away from the present I lived in. Now though, I don't know if that's so wise or helpful...when is this moment enough?
3-29-09 We went hiking today and while we were hiking I experienced my fear physically. I could feel myself shaking a bit. I felt this fear and I realized it was the experience of the fear I feel on a really deep level. This fear pervaded every part of me and when I felt it, I recognized it as that fear of being alone. I also recognized it as what has motivated me so often to focus on the future, instead of living in the present. That fear has pushed me to try and stabilize my life with relationships or plans that allow me to predict and control the future and consequently the present as much as possible. The key word is control. I'm sure I'm not alone in doing this, but I don't think it's been so good for me or others. I reflected today that marrying Lupa was motivated by fear of her leaving. By marrying her, I made her a more stable part of my life, insured she'd stay in it longer. I didn't live, in the moment, with her. I didn't experience the present as it actually occurred, because I was so busy trying to plan it, and project my expectations into it. When I realize all this, I don't try to judge or blame myself. There's not much use to doing that. Instead, today I felt the fear and I talked about it with Lupa and I acknowledged how I felt about spending so much time planning my future out so much. I don't like how it makes me feel. I don't like planning my relationships so much. So I'm going to do my best to live in the moment, and accept it for what it is.
4-01-09 Therapy, yesterday, proved helpful in further exploring the fear I mentioned above. A lot of what I came to realize/process is that the fear arising out of my early childhood no longer serves a purpose in my life and actually distracts me from being present with myself or anyone else. I catch myself daydream, flitting into the future a lot. It's startling to recognize just how regular this activity is...and underneath recognize the fear that informs it. My fear doesn't need to define my relationships, if I don't want it to, or me. In therapy I discussed how I've been recognizing this fear of being alone, of being consumed by my emptiness as something which has made me plan out so much of my life in order to create an illusion of safety and control for myself. It's terrifying to give up that safety and control, but exhilarating as well, because if I'm not holding on so tight, then perhaps in letting go I can really start to appreciate the opportunities and situations for what they really are, genuine moments of being present and alive and with myself and anyone else I happen to be with in that moment.
4-3-09 This seems to be rather accurate about my life, for the moment. Or rather it's another message which correlates with messages from other independent sources. Then again...if you look for a pattern long enough, you're bound to find or create one. And this is a bit new agey.
4-5-09 As I continue to sit with my fear this month, I find the emptiness less harsh than before. By burrowing down so far into my own issues, and into the feelings which inform those issues, I've also set free a lot of the emptiness within me. There are days where I can barely feel it, where it's just a ghost of how it usually feels. I don't pretend that the emptiness will go away, but I will admit, not feeling it as much is something I wouldn't mind continuing to feel. Yes I wish to be more comfortable with it, to accept it for what it is. Sometimes I'm not sure if I can do that, and other times I think I can.
4-6-09 And then there are days, like today where I feel really empty, hungry, desperate...where it seems like nothing I do makes that emptiness feel better. The hermit and I talked about this quite a bit in my meditation today and he noted that it felt as if I was trying to run from my emptiness, by doing any and everything I could not to feel it. He's absolutely right...yet nothing I do takes it away, and in some ways it only deepens it. I feel like a shriveled husk today.
4-7-09 In therapy, we ended up getting into an interesting discussion about the history of some my methods for dealing with feelings of emptiness. Aside from coming away with an appreciation of just how much I have changed as a person, as well as recognizing that I have developed healthier methods for encountering my emptiness, I also realized I am at the right place, right now, to work with the fear I feel when it comes to sitting with my emptiness. I'm encountering layers of progression in this work...Obsession to surrender, anger to compassion, fear to whatever it may or may not lead to. There is evolution here, even if at times I have trouble recognizing it.
4-10-09 In therapy, something we reviewed was some of my sexual behaviors and while I've already in some ways realized this, the following clicked into place in a way it previously hadn't: I use sex to escape my emptiness. Not all the time, but it is a way for me to establish a sense of identity, or rather reaffirm that identity, whilst also feeding my emptiness something which isn't me. I know I've said that one way or another before, but it made more sense this latest time...it's realizing that just like when I used to be a cutter, where I'd use pain to deal with my emptiness, so too has sex been another way to deal with that feeling and fear of emptiness. Not the best way, not necessarily healthy, but what I developed as a way to cope with that fear. But I don't want to do that anymore and so I'm continuing to use the feed your demon technique to help me process how I relate to my emptiness and my fear. Here's a quote relevant to this topic from Toward a Psychology of Awakening by John Welwood:
"When we have shut fear out of our awareness, it remains frozen deep within the body, manifesting as background anxiety, tension, worry, insecurity...Seeking a "fix" cannot lead to genuine healing because it keeps us in the same mind-set - wanting our experience to be other than it is - that created our dis-ease in the first place. Our natural healing resources become mobilized only when we see and feel the truth - the untold suffering we cause ourselves and others by rejecting our experience, thus shutting down our capacity to be fully present. When we recognize this, our dis-ease starts to become conscious suffering. As our suffering becomes more conscious, it starts to awaken out desire and will to live in a new way."
I would have to say that this accurately represents my process right now. I am realizing that the "fix" is just causing me and others more suffering, and also realize that to truly relax into my being involves actually experiencing the emptiness, the fear, the suffering and being present with it as it is, so that I can discover how to live in a new way where I'm more aligned with the harmony of my life. Needless to say reading this just makes some of my experiences sink in even more, for recognizing just how much I've run away from feeling my fear and emptiness, or tried to, and ended up suffering more for doing so.
4-11-09 Sometimes it really does take some hard realizations to make you realize that what you are doing doesn't work. A moment of clarity arrives and you are present in that moment and you realize: This behavior is helping me, it's hurting me and everyone around me. It's just deepening the suffering I already feel. That's what this month feels like for me. In another way, I feel like I am all consuming being that offers nothing back to anyone, beyond my own detritus and rot. I'm so busy consuming, so busy trying to fill something up, I haven't stopped to feel what it's doing to me or note how it's killing me. In Toward a Psychology of Awakening, Welwood essentially says that you don't really become conscious until you actually feel what you're stopping yourself from feeling, and allow yourself to experience for what it is, instead of how you interpret it.
4-12-09 I've always found it amazing how I read exactly what I need to read, as it applies to this amazing journey I'm on, called Taylor's life. As I continue reading Toward a Psychology of Awakening, I've come across some more information about emptiness and all this work I'm doing which tells me that I'm definitely on the right path for me. Welwood says,
What shuts down the heart more than anything is not letting ourselves have our own experience, but instead judging it, criticizing it, or trying to make it different from what it is. We often imagine there is something wrong with us if we feel angry, needy, dependent, lonely, confused, sad, or scared. We place conditions on ourselves and our experience.
He says of Emptiness:
Emptiness is a term that points to the ungraspable, unfathomable nature of everything. Nothing can be grasped a solid object that will provide enduring, unshakable meaning, satisfaction, or security. Nothing is ever what we expect, hope, or believe it to be...Emptiness-the ungraspable, open-ended nature of reality-need not be depressing. For it is what allows life to keep creating and recreating itself anew each moment. And this makes creativity, expansiveness, growth, and real wisdom possible.
When I read both of these quotes, I recognize several things. First, I recognize how resistant I am to feeling emotions such as fear or sadness. Not that I can't feel them, but that I have resisted feeling them so much. Second, I recognize that my perception of emptiness has sometimes been exactly what has created so many problems for me. My fear of being consumed, instead of really being acknowledged by being felt, has been run from, abstractly approached, and other suppressed. So today, in meditation I did something I've never really done before. I allowed myself to fully feel my fear and just feel it, without judgment, without interpretation, without running. And eventually I realized it wasn't that scary to feel, and that by feeling it, I might just find some closure on some of the wounds I've finally been facing in this year's work.
4-13-09 Today when I started to distract myself from feeling my fear, I stopped and asked myself to just feel it. And it feels like a heavy weight in my stomach. Feeling it was feeling a sensation of turbulence, of dis-ease...Yet as I sat with it, the turbulence did diminish a bit. I just held my space instead of trying to find a way out.
4-15-09 I did some breathing meditation tonight and felt it begin to dissolve some of the fear, loosening up structures of tension in my body. It was a subtle, and deep feeling. I also did some thinking today about the relationships I've been involved in for the last six or so months, i.e. the potential lovers and such and realized that on some level or another I saw some patterns, which made me wonder why I'm attracting those patterns into my life, as well as what I can do to stop attracting those patterns in my life. I looked in myself and acknowledged that my insecurities are as much an attractor to certain people as the rest of me is. Continuing to work on and work through my insecurities is already yielding some good changes in my life, so this is just another layer to add to that.
4-17-09 This month was probably the hardest month of this working. Today the moon goddess and I talked. We'd had an argument, and we ended up working it out, but in the course of that I talked about how for a very long time I've operated out of a scarcity mentality. And at the root of that scarcity mentality is my fear. This month, for me, has been about realizing just how much my fear has informed my actions and choices, when it comes to romantic relationships, business, and life in general. This month I dealt with fear in a variety of forms: competition, jealousy, and being consumed by my emptiness. And I realized I made a commitment (actually a number of them, but this one was fairly recent) from a place of fear, from trying to secure a stabilized identity/future/whatever...but in the process missing out on living in the moment. My fear has motivated me to rush into and through relationships instead of just experiencing them in the moment...and I know that I need to slow down and live in the moment.
Living in the moment means embracing my fear, actually feeling it, living it...accepting it. Today, instead of trying to run away from my fear, I just sat with it, felt it in my body, and let it express itself. And I was scared, terrified...and free. I'm going to keep working with fear for a little while. It's only the last few days I've tried to be present with it, so I'll keep trying...see what happens...and know that all this shadow work is leading me to a better place...I'm rotting...but I'm also being refined.