The discourse of the Pagan Bubble

On the wild hunt blog, Teo Bishop posted about living in a Pagan Bubble, and mentioned his concern when he realized his step dad didn't understand what he was writing about when he read his blogs. I thought it was an interesting post, because it highlighted how a specialized community can have a discourse that doesn't allow just anyone access into the community. Such discourses exist not just in Religion or spirituality, but also in academic disciplines, subcultures, and any other type of community that is created. And much like Teo, I had a similar experience once where my mother told me she'd bought one of my books and read it and found that she didn't understand it.

A while back I wrote a post about discourse and the self-secret language that people develop and learn when they want to enter into a specific community. While I recognize the concern that Teo feels about the discourse and resulting Pagan Bubble that appears, I'd argue that such a bubble is an inevitable conclusion of entering into any specialized community. There is a level of discourse, of specialized language, that needs to be learned in order to effectively enter into the community. And I think this is a good thing in the sense that such a discourse encourages a certain level of knowledge and experience, while also providing people a shared sense of communal identity.

At the same time I recognize Teo's concern that such a discourse ultimately creates an insular community, where people are isolated because they aren't able to relate to others. There is a need to have a dialogue between communities, an inter-faith dialogue in the case of Paganism and other types of spiritual beliefs, and as such we can't become too insular. Plus if we do live in such a bubble we cut ourselves off from inspiration. My own solution to this has been to cultivate an interest in a wide variety of disciplines and some other discourse communities, which in turn provides me perspectives outside of the Pagan Bubble. For example being a small business owner provides access to a different discourse community, which has intersections with a variety of other discourse communities as well.

I think the way to pop the Pagan Bubble is to simply be involved in the world around you, and in interests that aren't always Pagan-centric. Indeed I think if I spent all my time focused on being around pagans, I'd find some of the insularity and limitation that Teo is concerned about, if only because exposure to one perspectives limits us to a rather myopic view of the universe.

Round 5 of the Process of Magic class Starts today!

Round 5 of the Process of Magic correspondence course starts today. Magic is a process. Regardless of what magical type of magical working you do, you are using a process to shape and define reality as well as yourself. In this 24 lesson class, we will explore what the process of magic is and how it applies to your magical work. The end result will be a dynamic reshaping of your magical practice into a personalized system that you will be able to use to consistently generate results for the betterment of your life.. Still not sure if this class is for you? Below are a few testimonials from people who've previously taken the course:

By describing the process of magic(k) rituals, Taylor Ellwood taught me how to enhance my work. He taught me how to analyze and improve some rituals I had made, how to apply proved techniques to experimental rituals for internal magic and how pop culture can also be useful for creating pantheons more in relation to oneself. After this class my rituals have been really effective, and I started to think of magic as a means for transforming myself to get the best out of my environment. Highly recommendable class, I’m really happy I took it.

Testimonial from Ivan Marquez

I decided to take Taylor Ellwood’s Process of Magic class after many years of magical practice and study as a way to reboot my work. I’ve been involved with a few traditions but have generally been very eclectic in my approach. In my view eclecticism is a strength if you can find a way to synthesize all of those disparate takes on the magical path. Taylor has stripped away most of the window dressings associated with magic. Instead of focusing on style and aesthetics he focuses on the roots of practice and the processes underlying them. For those who are already involved in magic but are wondering how to weave together the rich variety of strands available to us in the 21st century, examining the processes that underly all magic, no matter the flavor, is an excellent place to start. For newcomers and beginners this course will help you quickly move beyond the 101 stage and help you start getting your hands dirty with practical magic.

Testimonial from Justin Patrick Moore

This class is just $80 and you not only get 24 lessons, and a free pdf of Creating Magical Entities, you also get access to an e-list that is just for the class and bi-monthly teleconferences. Have more questions or want to sign up? Contact me!

Zhine and Dream Work

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately, which have been helpful for doing some internal work, specifically in relationship to some deeper issues of conflict I've been feeling out within myself. Part of what I've been doing during the day to prepare for the dream work is a form of Tibetan meditation called Zhine. Zhine involves maintaining awareness of something around you, without thinking about it, studying it, or anything else. You are simply aware of it.

I have found this to be a challenging exercise because simply being aware of something without thinking about it can be hard. It's a good discipline exercise that challenges you to continually focus on just being aware of the object. Every time you think about it, which includes looking at distinct features or thinking about the color, you have shifted away from awareness and gotten caught up in the reality of what you are aware of. The point is to be simply aware, noticing it, but not thinking about it.

One variation of this exercise that I tried recently involved being aware of a fork that a person was using to eat. I was always aware of where the fork was, but I focused only on the fork as opposed to the person or how the fork was being used.

If you do this long enough and consistently enough, something very interesting happens. Your experience of reality changes subtly. What you are aware of seems less real, more of an image than actual reality. It's there, and yet what is there isn't real. There is a vividness in this experience which lends itself to dream work and makes your dreams more lucid and you more capable of remembering them. This has proven helpful in doing the dream work I've been involved with of late. You can learn more about Zhine by reading about Tibetan Dream work. I recommend the Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep.

Why Evocation isn't the One True Way to do magic

I love it when people make arguments that a particular technique is the one true way that magic works. Or make the argument that the only way something works is through the intercession of spirits. Let me be clear, I do evocations, invocations, and work with spirits, but not all the magic I do involves spirits and I don't always get instructions on what to do or how to do it from spirits. I feel that evocation is much like any other technique of magic. There's a time and place for it and knowing when to use the technique is as much a part of what makes it effective as anything else.

Jason Miller shares his own perspective by arguing that we are spirits too. Much like him, I've never just practiced a Western Esoteric approach to magic. And Eastern practices emphasize the cultivation of one's own spiritual resources and power. But even without that influence, I'd argue that Western magic doesn't entirely support a spirits only approach to magic. A read through William G Gray's Magical Ritual Methods or Franz Bardon's Initiation into Hermetics shows a similar cultivation of one's own spiritual resources, both in relationship to connecting with spirits and in relationship to doing spiritual work that doesn't involve spirits.

I respect the spirits I work with and I'll acknowledge how they have impacted my life at any time. But I also have to acknowledge that I have done a lot of the work and that the work hasn't always involved the intercession of spirits. When its necessary I do work with spirits and magical entities to help me accomplish certain tasks or approach a situation from a perspective that isn't my own. But sometimes its also necessary to do magic drawing on your own experiences and resources. The wise magician recognizes that spirits, inner contacts, entities, etc, are allies who nonetheless expect you to do a lot of the work on your own. S/he also knows that its important to cultivate his/her own power and experiences and apply those to magic without always looking to allies to fix situations.

And to be honest, not all my evocations have involved spirits. Sometimes I've evoked people into my life, or evoked situations. Indeed, I think that evocation as a technique is quite useful, but much like any other technique it can be experimented with and improved upon if a person is willing to test it and see just what s/he can do with it.

There is no one true way to do magic, no one true technique that trumps everything else. And while spirits are powerful and should be respected, so are we. We are spirits manifest as flesh and we have something the spirits don't have. The ability to interact with the world in a much more direct way than the spirits can. In truth, the spirit human relationship is a symbiotic relationship, with both sides relying on each other. When we recognize this, we recognize as well as that what makes magic effective is as much the person as the spirit.

Can Jesus be for Pagans too?

Sam Webster recently posted an article that has caused some controversy: Why you can't be worship Jesus Christ and be a Pagan. My own response to the article is admittedly based on my own history with Christianity, which has been a fairly adversarial relationship. I had my occult books burned by my mother, a fundamentalist Christian, when I was forcibly outed and I also received death threats for practicing magic. Even in later years I can't say that I really care for a religion which has many adherents that seem compelled to push their beliefs, and vision for the world on everyone else and I have resented it, when it has happened to me. I understood and appreciated where Sam is coming from, because my experiences with Christianity do not make me feel that my beliefs and choice of lifestyle is welcomed by people who adhere to that particular religion.

I am frankly skeptical as to how Jesus can be integrated into magical practices or into Paganism, especially given the commandments of his father, that there should be no other gods other than him. At the same time, I don't know that I can blame Jesus the deity for the faults of his worshippers. Indeed, having read the new and old testament a few times through, what has always struck me is that the parables of Jesus and the golden rule are actually insightful lessons that anyone, Christian or otherwise, could benefit from. And I'm also of the mind that if something calls to you and there is a meaningful experience there that contributes to your life, you need to honor it. So if someone tells me that Jesus is part of their pantheon, I can accept that it works for them. It would never work for me, but fortunately as long as they can accept that, we'll get along just fine.

At the same time, I don't think that Sam's article is all that different from how Christians would respond to the idea of Jesus being part of a Pagan pantheon. Back in my days of being a Christian, I remember telling a friend about the Greek myths I was reading and how there was one myth that made me think of the Christian God and made me wonder if there was some relationship there. I remember his mother telling me, quite fiercely, that I shouldn't read Greek myths (or fantasy or Science Fiction) and that having such discussions were sacrilegious. Not surprisingly such close mindedness was one reason I left the Christian religion, and its various sects behind. And while I don't assume all Christians are that way, I've encountered enough of them that are, that I could just as easily see them arguing that a pagan who worships Jesus is a fifth columnist or that his/her belief isn't genuine.

But you know, it doesn't matter what Sam, or I, or some Christian thinks about what you believe. What matters is what you think and how you choose to accept it (or not). I learned long ago that looking for acceptance from others was not a fruitful path. There will always be someone who will say what you believe is wrong, heretical, etc. And you can argue against them, but likely no one will budge. So share your own opinion and perspective, like I'm doing here, and then leave it at that. In the end, the only person who's opinion matters is yourself, and the relationship you have with your pantheon of choice.

Round 5 of the Process of Magic starts in one week

Round 5 of the Process of Magic class starts on April 3rd, one week from today! This is a class that is appropriate for any magician of any experience level. If you are starting out you will benefit from it by learning the principles of magic, and if you have more experience you'll benefit because the class will help you develop a personalized approach to magic, while also challenging any assumptions you hold about magic. Below is a syllabus for the class and what will be covered:

Lesson 1: An overview of the process of magic

Lesson 2: You and Definitions of Magic

Lesson 3: Results, Change, and their respective roles in magic

Lesson 4: The anatomy of the process of magic

Lesson 5: Culture, Ethics and Ideology

Lesson 6: What isn't essential to the process of magic

Lesson 7: Connection and its role in the magical process

Lesson 8: Intention, Attention, and Magic

Lesson 9: Inhibitory Actions and Magic

Lesson 10: Excitatory Actions and Magic

Lesson 11: Internal Work

Lesson 12: Spiritual allies and the magical process

Lesson 13: Invocation 1

Lesson 14: Invocation 2

Lesson 15: Evocation 1

Lesson 16: Evocation 2

Lesson 17: Divination

Lesson 18: Enchantment

Lesson 19: Astral Projection

Lesson 20: Banishing

Lesson 21: Attunement with the land

Lesson 22: The Role of Limitation in the Process of Magic

Lesson 23: The role of Transformation in the Process of Magic

Lesson 24: The role of Mundane actions in the Process of Magic

If you have questions about what I'll cover or want to sign up, contact me.

Why magic fails and why a process perspective can help

  Nick Farrell recently posted an intriguing article about why magical rituals fail. He'd decided to play devil's advocate and post on Facebook about a magical failure he'd recently had occur and he wanted some input, but he also wanted to explore how people justify failure in magic. He wasn't the only one to weigh in on this topic, but I'll cover what other people said further below. For the moment I want to address what Nick had to say about the topic.

Nick noted that people offered him a few suggestions for why the ritual didn't work. The suggestion I offered was one that involved technical issues: or as Nick put it: "Your ritual was badly written or performed incorrectly". The next explanation was that God (deity of your choice) or your true will or your higher self or the universe forbid it to work. The final explanation was that you blocked yourself on a subconscious level from attaining your goal. Nick noted that this explanation had some validity, but argued that if someone else did the ritual for you, then the ritual should've been successful.

Nick went on to argue that perhaps the reason the working failed is because some possibilities are easier to manifest than others are (I agree with him) and that what might be needed is that you do the ritual multiple times to prime the pump. If it doesn't work the first time, add some more power into the mix (again I agree with him on this point, and have approached magic that way myself on occasion). However while I do agree with his reasoning for why magic fails, I think it's worth exploring in more detail some of the issues he mentioned above.

Like Nick I agree that attributing the failure of magic to a higher being, the universe, your highest self, or your true will is dodging the issue. It's a rather fatalistic perspective that simultaneously allows a magician to avoid taking responsibility or look too closely at the magical process. It's not my responsibility if it doesn't work, so I'll just foist it off on some higher power or my true will or the universe. If such a power is really against you, then perhaps its time to look into why that is the case and take appropriate actions to deal with the situation, instead of allowing it to persist.

I do think your subconscious can work against you, and I'd argue that if you genuinely believe you don't deserve something no amount of enchanting by yourself, or others, or even some higher power will change the fact that some part of you is actively working against what you think you want. Nick argues that other magicians should be able to enchant successfully for something that he wants, but just because they don't have those issues, doesn't mean that his subconscious won't work against the result.

And while Nick argues that the point of magic is supposed to help you overcome these kinds of problems, I think one of the reasons magic fails is because the magician hasn't done the necessary internal work with his/her subconscious to know what s/he truly wants. Why else do people raise their hands and admit that they'll get a result, but then have it only be short term before they are dealing with a similar issue or before it goes away?

The truth is that an unexamined desire is one that is rife for sabotage. The point of overcoming problems is that first you deal with the internal beliefs around the problem and then you do magic because your house is in order. If you don't do that, it doesn't matter if you call on an angel, demon or god, because even if they are trying to help you, you are working against yourself, and that block is powerful enough because it expresses the fundamental connection of your identity and its relationship to the world. Until you change the internal, the external will reflect exactly what you fundamentally believe you deserve. Dean Williams offers an excellent example of why others working magic for you will still fail, and aptly notes that you have to want something more than you fear having it. I personally prefer to work with the fear, and turn it into a resource that actually helps you get what you want, but the point is you need to be in alignment with what you want before you get it.

As an aside, Donald Michael Kraig argues that assigning blame is counter-productive to magical effectiveness. I agree with his points, especially where he notes that taking a positive approach and examining what could be done differently is more useful than assigning fault, but I also think it worthwhile to examine what someone did or didn't do...not to blame, but to understand how what was done didn't work. I mention this here, because if we examine subconscious blocks, what we often find is that they are messages others or we ourselves have assigned. So we need to understand how fault, in and of itself can play a role in why magic isn't working.

There is the first reason that Nick discussed about why a magic working failed: The ritual was poorly written and/or improperly performed. I've always taken a process approach to magic. A process approach examines a given magical act and allows you to analyze why it did or didn't work. By examining magic as a process you explore what exactly is or isn't working. You can even determine if your understanding about a principle of magic was faulty and also determine how to modify the working to make it more successful. The process of magic course that I designed was put together because I recognized that too many magicians don't really understand how magic works. They do it and if it doesn't work they can't explain why it didn't work or modify the working to resolve the issue that caused the magic to not work. It doesn't help that there is one school of thought that argues that you don't need to know how magic works and yet conversely argues that you should be able to share your experiments with other people...how can you share your experiments, your process if you don't know HOW magic works?

The point of exploring the technical issues is that you really do examine all the components of your magical working/ritual and you then determine what was missing from the equation. Maybe it was your subconscious working against you, or maybe you didn't adequately understand how a given technique of magic works, or perhaps you didn't draw on the right resources or maybe you didn't specify when or how the magic should manifest or maybe you need to put more oomph into the magic and do the ritual several times over to build up the necessary momentum to tip matters into your favor. And finally you may not have taken the appropriate mundane actions to help the magic along. Magic doesn't operate in a void and taking action needs to occur on the mundane level as well as the magical level. It creates the path of least resistance. By asking these questions and looking at the answers you can determine why magic has failed and more importantly determine what actions need to be taken.

A real world example: I recently created a wealth entity to help me improve my skills as a sales person and help me to find the right clients. That entity can only help me if I take action. If I stay in my office and just wait for a phone call, the chances of getting a phone call will be very low. However if I go out and do cold calling and network and offer specials on my services, I am creating a path of least resistance for the entity to do its work. I have done all those actions (and more) and in the last three weeks I've either set appointments with promising prospects or had meetings with them and I am in the process of converting them from prospects to clients. My entity and magic in general can only do so much, unless I am willing to also do my part. A solid understanding of the magical process helps you understand why your ritual has failed and more importantly allows you to discover what you need to do to make the magic work. Without that understanding you'll sometimes have success, but you'll also have failures and you'll be left wondering why, without being able to take effective action. Knowing the technical aspects of magic provides you the foundation to work truly effective magic on a consistent basis.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement month 5

2-21-13 I've been meditating on movement in terms of subtle movement, both mentally and physically. For example, when I meditate, how does my mind move, and what does it move to or away from? Or when I am walking or breathing what am I noticing when I move my body? How aware am I of the movement? These are good questions to ask and they are getting me to pay more attention to movements I have taken for granted. I am going over older practices and re-doing them with a conscious focus on the movement, physical or otherwise that is involved. In turn that is allowing me to experience those practices in a deeper way than I had previously done.

2-24-13 One of the realizations around grievance that I've had is the acknowledgement that I may not get the closure I want from people. This is a hard realization because it essentially involves recognizing that those people will not take responsibility in a way that I feel provides closure. I think that in and of itself this is a wound that can haunt people. I've felt that wound and I've seen it in other people. So how do you heal that wound? You know the person or people that you want closure from won't help you heal it. They don't feel any obligation to and likely don't even fully recognize what you are hurting over. In some cases they probably even take malicious joy from it. And ultimately it's not about them, it's about you and finding closure.

The best solution I have found is one where I first acknowledge the grievance for what it is and then acknowledge that I won't get the closure want from someone else. I then focus on providing myself closure by working with the grievance, allowing myself to feel it, but also to address it and my part in it. I forgive myself, which helps because I recognize that the grievance isn't just what the other person did, but also what I did and that in one sense it is a judgment I have made about myself. It is a judgment that comes from a place of unlove, and to resolve it I need to address that judgment I have made about myself. The judgment is usually a feeling of "This person was right. What they did to me/made me feel is confirmation that I am not a good person." So when I look at it in that way I recognize that I am sustaining the grievance and that ultimately I am responsible for it. What I want from the other person I can provide by providing myself closure, by recognizing that whatever the other person did wasn't a confirmation of my judgment and that my judgment comes from a place of hurt and unlove within myself.

Doing that helps provide closure. But even so there are times where you will still hurt and angry with the person. Ask yourself if you want to really continue to give that person that much power in your life. You'll likely discover that you don't want to give that person that much power and that can be motivation to continue working on the grievance you feel.

3-02-13 Took an entire day off from my businesses. It felt good to just not work on something for a while. When you are a business owner there is this sense of always needing to be on with your business, always working on it. Actually I think that's true of adults in general because just about every adult I know is always on, always working. It's like we've forgotten how to relax and just be ourselves. And maybe we really have. That's one reason I play games...it reminds me to have fun, reminds me not to always be serious or be an adult. I don't want to work all the time, and taking a day off from work is my way of preserving my sanity I love owning a business (well businesses) but working on them all the time can get a little dull. The work needs to be done and some of it can be farmed out, but how refreshing really to just step away from being responsible for one day, just to be a kid again for a while. And when I come back, the work will be there, but I will feel refreshed and ready to do it.

Beyond that, certain situations do seem to be resolving nicely. A wealth magic working I did via a sigil game is coming together nicely with multiple favorable outcomes. The one outcome that may have changed is where the Wealth magic book gets published. I'm not even done with the first draft, so I'm not really worried about it, but I've been mulling over just how different Immanion is from the larger publishers. Pantheacon showed me that when I went to a panel for one of those publishers. Maybe I'm just too idealistic or too controlling when it comes to my writing and how I think it should be presented and how I think my target audience wants it presented, but nonetheless I think there is something to be said for the presentation and what that presentation conveys to someone.

3-08-13 I wrote a long post last night about Immanion Press and what it means to me. I think it really clarified where my occult writing needs to be and why it needs to be there. As an author I recognize that choosing to stick with a small publisher may not be the best business choice, but as a writer I recognize that it is the best choice for the pursuit of my message. But beyond that I've been thinking about movement and how the movements we choose, if chosen with an open mind, can lead us to unexpected movement. For example, I've been doing some cold calling lately. I've found that going into stores is something I'm more comfortable with, because its more face to face. As I do this movement, I sit with it, get more comfortable with it and allow myself to be present with how it makes me feel but also what it opens for me. If nothing else, I'm improving my presentation skills by giving it a try.

I recently finished reading S. M. Stirlings Change series. It's a fun post apocalyptic read, but there was a point he made that got me thinking. In his dystopic world, humanity has lost modern technology and the generation after the generation that lost the tech are called changelings. The older generation doesn't know what to make of the changelings and the changelings in turn think of the older generation as one that seems more focused on observing itself as opposed to just being and doing. And that insight interests me because I think there is some truth to it. Technology makes life easier, but it also makes life much more distant. People can hide behind screens and watch the world go by without really interacting with it. I write that with a sense of irony as I'm typing this message into a screen, but I do think that just watching the world go by, getting sucked into T.V., computers, and mobile devices isn't doing us any favors. It makes avoiding living easier. It's probably why I am so resistant to technology overall. I see it as an intrusion of sorts, even as I ironically rely on it.

3-09-13 I had a dream last night, where Kat was dressed in a suit of armor, with a sword and shield and she was protecting me from a gaunt starved lion with a mangy mane. It was a vivid dream and on consideration of it this morning I realized it meant that I was feeling more comfortable with her feeling protective of me. I have to admit that I've struggled with feeling comfortable with someone feeling protective of me. I've always had to take care of myself, so allowing someone else to be protective is really me allowing myself to feel open and vulnerable enough to trust someone to protect me.

I also had some other realizations. I ask Kat a lot if she is happy, but I realize what I'm really asking is: Am I safe? I ask that because if I know she is happy then I can relax, and yet its not her. It's reactions to the past. It's the realization that I'm asking that question because I've had experiences where I have not felt safe and the way I've gauged such safety is the mood of the person.  I'm going to sit with this realization and work through it carefully. I recognize that this has the potential to be a trip mine and if not handled carefully it could blow up in my face. When you deal with deeper issues like this it can be very important to work with it gradually. The point isn't to work through it in a day, but rather to work through it carefully and allow myself a way to heal.

The other realization I had was one of recognizing how a person's issues can be used as an excuse to justify behavior. I say that with the recognition that sometimes I've justified behavior because of my issues, but the truth it that we should never justify a behavior because of an issue. Instead we should use the behavior to identify and work with the issue so that it doesn't continue to cause problems in our lives and relationships. I've gotten better about it, but I know that I owe it to myself to be honest about whether I've used my behaviors around my issues to justify my behavior. And the same applies to other people. If you use your dysfunction to justify your behaviors, you aren't taking responsibility for them or their effect on others. It just continues the problem instead of solving it. Taking responsibility isn't easy. What it really involves is doing this careful internal work where you recognize how the dysfunctional issues are showing up in your behavior and then you work with the behavior and issues using meditation and therapy as needed to get to the root of the issue.

3-10-13 Relying on other people brings up a lot of mixed feelings in me. I've been self-sufficient for a long time because I learned early on that I needed to take care of me. Yet to some degree I've relied on other people as well. I've never been so self sufficient that I wasn't relying on someone else to some extent.  And yet purposely relying on someone does bring up both a feeling of being loved and supported and a feeling of fear. As I sit with it, I realize that it's as much an issue of trusting myself to trust someone else as it is to trust someone else.

3-19-13 I haven't had a chance to update this entry recently, but a lot has happened in the week or so. I've been having some more vivid dreams, all of which have dealt with people in my life, but all of which have also been representative of something deeper, a sense of conflict in myself which seems to be coming to the surface more. Some of the conflict is around receiving from other people, and some of it is around my spiritual work. I've realized lately that I just haven't felt as deeply connected to it. That's hard to admit, but at the same time I can't not be honest with myself. So I've been revisiting techniques that I've been practicing for a while from the perspective of a beginner, rereading the books and redoing the exercises more methodically. And its helping me realize how easy it can be to take one's spiritual work for granted.

Recently, I got a shamanic astrology reading from a friend of mine. I've had a couple of astrological readings in the past and they've always been accurate. His were accurate as well in terms of certain trends, behaviors, and challenges I've experienced or am experiencing as well as describing certain life patterns I'm working on that are more of a lifetime focus. He indicated to me that I'm about to go into the dark night of the soul. I laughed and half jokingly said, "Haven't I done enough of those?" He told me of a couple of other cycles as well that I'll be experiencing around the same time. The DNS lasts a year and a half, and it was interesting to me because I'd actually decided that I needed to extend my work with this element for another year after this October. I want to deepen my work with movement, and I've already begun thinking how I could factor in this cycle and the others into that work, as well as into the work of the next element after movement.

I'd felt some apprehension after he did the reading, but in thinking it over, I'm looking forward to whatever internal work comes my way. There's nothing inherently challenging about any cycle...and there is something to be said for the attitude that a person brings into the work s/he is doing. As I re-examine my attitude and my practices, I feel like I'm gearing up to go deeper and come out wiser on the other side.

And recently Eros has been coming into my meditations more. He has told me to meditate on the relationship between stillness and movement and suggested that it might prove beneficial to examine how the two work together and feed into each other. There's some Taoist and Western esoterica that discusses these two elements in conjunction with each other and my own meditations have gotten me thinking about how movement is sometimes used to avoid stillness, but also how stillness is at the heart of movement and an attractor of it. More next month...

Round 5 of the Process of Magic Course starts April 3rd

On April 3rd, the Round 5 of the Process of Magic class is starting. This is a 24 lesson course, which also includes a free pdf of Creating Magical Entities, and a bi-monthly teleconference where you can ask me questions about the content of the course. Additionally you'll have access to an e mail list that is only available to members of the class to share their own experiences with other students and myself. Not sure if this class is for you? Here's the testimonial from Yutaka Furuki, a magician from Japan, who is currently enrolled in round 4 of the class:

I decided to take this course for I was searching for a way to synthesize various magical influences I have experienced over the years in my magical journey. Now I am in the middle of the course, still doing Lesson 9, but I already have learned far more than what I  expected from a single course. The course material is written in a clear style and there are no vague mystifications often found in magical texts. In the beginning the students are encouraged to examine all the elements of their magical practice. Taylor helps you to fully recognize your own definitions and mechanics of Magic that no other books or any other materials could not succeed to address. Then you will be introduced to ways to examine magical links and basis of altered states of consciousness for successful operations. One of greatest points in this course is you can have benefit from it no matter what your magical background is. It is perfectly designed to focus on core workings of Magic, so any person who has interest in any forms of magical practices will found it to be easily applicable to their own daily practice. This course is not just a correspondence course. You also have live interaction with Taylor. In such process you can share what you have found in your practice with him and people of same interest and you can have feedbacks that will lead you to deeper understanding of Magic. I truly recommend this course to anyone, novices and experts alike.

The cost of this course is $80. If you are interested in learning more about the course, or you have questions about it contact me. This course is part of the Way of the Magician mystery school. I look forward to working with you!

Call for Writers for the Second Shades of Faith Anthology

Call for Writers– Shades of Ritual; Minority Voices in Practice

Email for inquiries and submissions: Crystal Blanton

Megalithica Books, an imprint of Immanion Press (Stafford, U.K./Portland, OR, U.S.A) is seeking submissions for a the follow up anthology to Shades of Faith, released in August of 2011.  This anthology will focus on people of color working in magical communities and their spiritual practices.  This anthology will provide another opportunity to get the voices and experiences of minorities within the Pagan community out to the world and address some of the challenges, stereotyping, frustrations and the beauty of being different within the racial construct of typical Pagan or Wiccan groups. These communities include (but are not limited to) groups and individuals working in Wicca, Voodoo, Umbanda, Shaman, and other Pagan paths.

As many of the roots of Paganism come from the lands of people of color, much of the color of Paganism is often forgotten in the cultural mainstreaming that often happens to ethnic cultures. Many people of color within Paganism walk between the worlds of their birth ancestry and culture, and that of their spiritual culture.  This anthology is meant to show how that might look within the spiritual practice of one’s home.

Here are some suggested topics to give you an idea of the focus of this anthology.

·         Rituals

·         Poetry

·         Your experience of integration into the Pagan community and how that might correlate with your practice

·         Magical work

·         Ancestor work

·         Deity specific practices and relationships

·         Integrating your birth culture with your spiritual workings

·         What magical work are you doing now? How do you describe it? Do you work alone, in a group, or in several settings?

·         Your birth culture and spiritual workings

·         Stereotypes and prejudice and the impact on spiritual or magic workings. Being the only person of color in a coven, group or community

·         Sharing your culture and history with other Pagans

·         Cultural history and how that plays a role in your spiritual practice today

·         Family culture and how that plays a role in your spiritual practice

·         Cultural appropriations and how that works in your practice.

Rough drafts are due August 15, 2013. These drafts will be edited in a back-and-forth process with the editor. Essays should be 1500-4000 words, although if your work falls outside those limits, do submit it – we can discuss this during the editing process. Drop us an email if you are unsure whether your idea fits into the content. The sooner you start the communication process the better, as after the deadline we won’t be considering additional ideas.

Essay requirements: • Citations for all quoted, paraphrased, or otherwise unoriginal material • Bibliography of works cited • Prefer APA format

Write in your voice! If you’re academically inclined or trained, feel free to be as intelligent and technical as you like. If your work entirely talks in the first person about your own experience, please include this also. There is a wide range of voices, and we are interested in being as inclusive of style as possible.

Accepted contributors will receive a free copy of the anthology when it is published and additional copies sold at 40% off the cover price to contributors. All contributors will be provided with a contract upon final acceptance of their essays, not when they are accepted for editing. If your essay is not accepted for the anthology, we will tell you after the first round of edits.

The anthology will be edited by Crystal Blanton. She is the author of two books with Immanion press; Bridging the Gap; Working Within the Dynamics of Pagan Groups and Society, and Pain and Faith in a Wiccan World.  She is also the editor of the first anthology, Shades of Faith; Minority Voices in Paganism. She may be found online at http://www.crystalblanton.org and her email address for this anthology is crystal@crystalblanton.com .

Immanion Press is a small independent press based in the United Kingdom. Founded by author Storm Constantine, it expanded into occult nonfiction in 2004 with the publication of Taylor Ellwood’s Pop Culture Magick. Today, Immanion’s nonfiction line, under the Megalithica Books imprint, has a growing reputation for edgy, experimental texts on primarily intermediate and advanced pagan and occult topics. Find out more at http://www.immanion-press.com.

The Value of Challenge in our Spiritual Work

I've lately been re-doing certain exercises and techniques I learned years ago. I'm redoing them because it's been some time since I've done them, and I've challenged myself to do these exercises with more intention and awareness than I likely applied the first time I did them. To my mind, part of what makes spiritual work meaningful, and perhaps work in general, is the challenges we discover during the course of doing it. If your spiritual work isn't challenging you, then its time for a change. When you discover challenge, you are doing it right. You have discovered in challenge those parts of yourself that need to grow. You have encountered a sense of vulnerability, and a realization that you are being called to face up to yourself as well as to the spiritual powers you work with.

My choice to re-do certain exercises is a reflection of my own challenges and how they have changed me. I look book on previous work I've done and I wonder if I couldn't do it better, or if I didn't miss something from before. So I approach a meditation technique a bit wiser perhaps, certainly more experienced, but also with a humbleness because I recognize that I want to challenge myself again to really get into the heart of the technique and embrace it as an opportunity to challenge myself and my spiritual work.

I don't think a person can really grow unless they challenge themselves. It's easy, for example, to read lots of books on magic and spirituality, but simply reading those books won't provide you an in-depth understanding of what you are reading. Indeed, you'll know this when you feel lost...and the only way you will be able to change that is to challenge yourself and DO the work. Embody the work and make it part of your life, something that is meaningful because you actually have made it your own.

Last night I was developing an exercise for the Wealth Magic book and I talked with Kat about the exercise, and asked her what she thought I should include in it. What elements was I missing from this exercise, and what could I do to really integrate those elements and challenge my readers with the exercise? I ask her that question, because I wanted to challenge myself as a writer and how better to do it than to ask the advice of someone who knows me intimately and yet has her own perspectives and experiences. The answers she gave me provided me an opportunity to become a better writer, as well as challenge my readers in their spiritual work. I looked for the meaning that she might find as a test audience, but I also knew that by challenging myself as a writer through getting input from someone else, I could also improve my writing and my connection with my audience. I made the writing my own by challenging myself to be better, instead of simply settling for the status quo.

Your spirituality comes to life when you challenge yourself to make it part of your life. The same is true of writing, art, anything you are interested in. Until you challenge yourself and push yourself to be better, you can't make it your own...and you'll find that sometimes you have challenged yourself and time passes and you need to revisit and redo the challenge, because the experiences you've had, have changed your understanding of what you knew...and you need to rediscover and re-embody that understanding. Challenge yourself and you will do it.

Explore related entries in the Library

• Spiritual Ancestors
• Magickal Connections: Creating a Lasting and Healthy Spiritual Group
• Value Mapping Inner and Outer Worlds
• Value Mapping

Some Thoughts on Privilege and Paganism

There's been a lot of discussion about privilege in the Pagan community following Pantheacon. Or rather Pantheacon just happened to be the place where the conversation came to the surface more, because the conversation has been happening for a while now. And such conversations are important because ideally it brings to light the inequities in the community. I'm a middle class white man that has the fortune of living in a first world country with running water, heat, and a number of other resources that are available to me. The level of privilege that I have is staggering and likely I'm not even fully aware of it. Yet what I am aware of is that there are other people that don't have that same level of privilege, who for reasons of gender or skin color or whatever else don't have the same level of access to resources, education, and opportunities that I have, and also face more situations where their appearance is used to judge them.

I feel that one of the ways I can leverage my privilege is to turn around and use it for the greater good. I'm not doing this out of a sense of white guilt, but rather because I don't believe that inequity of any sort should continue to flourish. And while my actions can't make everything right, I feel that what I can do is help make people more aware of the issues as well as continue to educate myself. One of the reasons Immanion Press has published several anthologies focused on issues of privilege as it applies to occultism and Paganism is because by doing so other people get their voice heard and hopefully they are inspired to continue writing and discussing because they recognize why it is so important.

And while I don't think addressing privilege in Paganism will make everything right, I think it's a start. If you want to make change happen, start with your community and build from there. That kind of change is slow, but it also builds momentum. I know that whatever change I facilitate will best occur by working with what I know.

In a lot of ways, it's interesting to observe the Pagan community and how it is dealing with the issue of privilege. Pagans, by and large, like to think of themselves as progressive people. And yet its clear that privilege still operates on certain levels. At this year's Pantheacon the Pagans and Privilege panel had to be held in a hospitality suite and the People of Color hospitality suite got a lot of resistance from the Pantheacon staff. At the same time the conversations are happening, and people are becoming more aware of the issues. Change is happening, as long as we are willing to continue to make it happen by confronting the issues and how they effect all of us as a community, and as individuals.

Why Immanion Press is so Important to me

I don't write much about the work I do with Immanion Press on this blog. Indeed, as far as many of you know, I'm just one of its authors. But the truth is I'm not just an author of Immanion Press. I'm also the Managing Non-Fiction editor of Immanion Press. (Cue in the jokes about being a Hair club for men member). For me, Immanion Press is one of the vehicles by which I express my passion for writing and publishing and magic in the world.

My service to Immanion Press is one of the ways I give back to the magical community and is also an offering to the magic itself. I am not paid a salary at Immanion Press. I get a small royalty for books I edit, but I don't get paid for the layout I do, or a lot of the other work I do and I am fine with that. My service to Immanion is a dedication of love to occult writing, occult authors, and to the magic itself. It is done because I want to publish books that I know will likely not see the light of day because other publishers are afraid to touch the books. It is done because I want to empower authors who have had bad experiences with other publishers, and show them that someone has their back. Indeed as I write this I reflect on an email a prospective author sent me on Thursday, telling me how validated she feels to have a publisher interested in her work who will respect her voice, who will edit the book, but not to commoditize it for the mass market. I like hearing that because to me a publisher has two clients: The Authors and the Readers. Too often, imo, most publishers focus on the latter and forget or neglect the former.

Way back in 2003, I had written Pop Culture Magick. I shopped the book to Weiser, New Falcon, and a couple other publishers. In some cases I didn't hear back from the publishers and in other cases, I got a rejection letter. I was told that my book was too niche and controversial. I was told that I shouldn't try to publish it because it wouldn't sell. So during a trip to England, I talked with Storm Constantine, owner of Immanion Press, and to this day a good friend of mine. I showed her my book and even though Immanion Press had originally been intended for Science Fiction and Fantasy books, she saw the potential in my book and agreed to publish it. In 2004, Pop Culture Magick was published and thus we started the non-fiction line of Immanion Press. It strikes me as ironic that NOW bigger publishers want to publish books on pop culture magic. I guess it's no longer so controversial, but in 2003, a decade ago, no one would touch my book. I doubt I'll ever really get the recognition I think is deserved for paving the way, but I know I paved the way. Not just with my books either, but with other books by other authors as well. Of course, I didn't do it alone.

I had help over the years from the authors, from Storm, from Kat, and from other people and I am thankful to all of them to this day, because the nonfiction line for Immanion Press couldn't be what it is without the authors, editors, and volunteers who've offered time, blood, and sweat to make things happen. Immanion Press has always been a team effort, and so really it's that all of us paved the way to one extent or another.

A couple of months after Pop Culture Magic was published, Nick Farrell emailed me and asked if Immanion Press would consider publishing his book Gathering the Magic. It's a book about magical group dynamics and big surprise, none of the bigger publishers wanted to publish it. So I asked Storm about it, and Immanion Press took it on. I was still just an author then, but as more authors found out about us, and discovered that we wanted to publish intermediate to advanced books on magic that were for niche markets and that no book was too controversial for us, Storm asked me if I would be willing to be the managing non-fiction editor. She respected my expertise as an occultist, and the way that I knew the market. I said yes and I began what has been and continues to be one of the most important callings of my life: I publish the books other publishers won't touch because I know there is a market and that those publishers are wrong. They don't get it...how can they, when what they are focused on is really the bottom line? And I get why they are...and they have a place, and the books they publish have a place, but even so, on a certain level they just don't get it, and they never will. They aren't publishing for the same reason and what they publish is for a larger market. They aren't going to publish the controversial books, the risky books because they don't want to alienate that larger market. But the truth is that anything that is published is bound to offend someone. It's not always about hitting the largest market possible. It's about reaching the right market...the right people and meeting their needs even if it isn't an automatic hit. It's about knowing the market, knowing the people, knowing what they want...and knowing that giving it to them does involve some risk, because you can't please everyone...and maybe you shouldn't.

Working at Immanion Press hasn't always been easy. At one point I came very close to leaving, burned out, and fed up with how taken for granted I felt by everyone involved. And being a strong personality, I know I am not always easy to work with and that I've made a few mistakes along the way. But overall, I love the work I do at Immanion Press and over time the process has gotten easier. What people forget sometimes is that Immanion Press is a small press. We don't have a paid staff of editors, publicists, marketers, etc. We run on a tight budget and the people who work for us get paid in royalties. And yet they do it anyway, which I am so thankful for...because they believe in the vision of Immanion Press. They believe that what we are doing is important enough to support it. And despite not having what traditional publishers have, we make it work and we find ways to help our authors out. It's not a perfect system, far from it, and sometimes it doesn't work out as well as it could. But we make it work anyway.

And I am proud of our authors and books. I am proud that I've played a role, however small it is, in helping authors launch their writing career and when I see that one of my authors got a book published by another publisher I feel good about it, because I know that getting published by us helped with that. We publish the controversial books, and we also bring books back into print and what we have available is awesome. We've published books on the subjects that the other publishers won't touch and we've played a role in getting conversations to happen. We've also told the authors that we want them to write in their voices and that we won't sanitize those voices. At the same time, we've insisted on academic standards of in-text citation and quotations, which readers tell me they love because they see it so rarely in the majority of books published on magic and paganism.

At this last Pantheacon, two of my authors, Tony Mierzwicki and Crystal Blanton, told me in their respective ways how much they liked working with Immanion Press. Tony told me how he'd shopped his book Graeco-Egyptian Magic everywhere and was about to self-publish it when he remembered meeting me and decided to see if we'd publish his book. We said yes and he told me how getting his book published opened doors for him. He told me how much he appreciated a free marketing seminar I gave to the authors (and inspired me to start it up again for my authors). And I know that even if he never publishes another book with us, we played a role in his life and in his writing that he'll always remember. And that touched me so profoundly and I was so grateful for his appreciation and recognition of Immanion Press and my role in all of it.

And at one point I was talking with Crystal and she abruptly stopped me and said, with much emotion, "Thank you" several times. And later she told me how much she appreciated my vision for Immanion and she said that she didn't think I knew what an impact I had on her community because of how I'd supported her as an author and as an editor of The Shades of Faith Anthology we published. And she's right I didn't know it, but that weekend gave me a glimpse...and later she acknowledged at a panel my role in the anthology and how I'd recognized I wasn't the right person to edit that anthology, and that I knew I needed to find someone who could do it justice. I was so touched by what she said, so honored that she felt I had contributed to her vision and work.

And I've had other authors on occasions tell me similar things and I have always felt touched. To me that is the biggest payoff. I have helped authors reach their audience. I have respected their voices, their culture, their audience...I have done my job as a publisher and an editor and as a magician...I have believed in them and provided a platform to help them reach others who can believe in them as well.

And I've continued to write my books and place them with Immanion. I'll admit I do find it frustrating when I go to Powells books and don't see my books on the shelves or the Barnes and Nobles because we use print on demand and because we don't take returns. Yet that frustration pales to the joy I feel writing my books my way...knowing my voice will be respected, knowing that the cover of the book will be the cover I pick. And I know I'm reaching my audience. I'm reaching the people who need my work and that is what is really important.

I'm writing a book on Wealth Magic and I flirted with the idea of letting another publisher publish one of my books. I even sent a proposal in and then...I went to a panel held by the publisher and in that panel I heard everything that was an antithesis of my approach to publishing. They wanted trendy, marketable ideas. They wanted books that had cute titles and approached magic in a hip marketable manner that would hit the largest market possible. I left feeling sick to my stomach and I knew that none of my occult books will likely ever be published by a larger publisher. I simply can't imagine emasculating my vision and my words in that way just to make a buck. And I don't feel they will really get my vision or my approach or understand that I know the market better than they may know it. I know I'll write non-occult books (I'm starting one as soon as I finish the wealth magic book) and those books will go to more mainstream publishers, but my spiritual work, the work that touches the heart of the universe and speaks the language of magic...that work needs to be the way it is...not written for a general audience...not written to make a buck, but written to speak to the people who need it...written in my voice, written the way I want it to be written. And yes it means my books will always be with a small publisher. It means that I won't get some of the advantages that some of my other occult authors have. And I can live with that...because even though its a harder road to walk and there is more work on my end as an author, I've already been doing it for ten years, and I like how I feel about myself as a writer and as a magician. I don't say that to pass judgments on other authors. I recognize that many of the other occult authors have had awesome relationships with the publishers they've worked with. I just feel that for me I know where the home of my occult books are...and hopefully always will be. And that's Immanion Press. My press...my publisher and one of my loves. I love Immanion Press. I love what we stand for and I love that I serve the magic with the work I do for the press. That is more important than anything else. I serve the magic.

Some Thoughts on Temporal Pacing

On the way down to Pantheacon, I drove down the 101 along the Oregon Coast. It's a beautiful, beautiful drive, but as I kept driving to where we were going to say for the night, I got to reflecting how my drive was in one sense a journey into the unknown, because I didn't know when I would get to our destination for the night. There was this sense of anticipation, but also a subtle tension of wondering when will we get there. I actually feel the same way when I play a video game for the first time. I don't know how long the game will actually be. I am playing it and heading toward an unknown destination and I won't know the journey, how long the game will take, until I reach the final credits. The same is true with a ritual or technique you learn. The first time is a journey into the unknown, heightened by the factor of time.

Once you driven the route or played the game or done the ritual once, the unknown is changed. It becomes known, partially by your experience of it, but partially because you can also fit it into a temporal pace. You know how long it will take, when you'll be where doing what. You know the time of it and that changes the experience because you have a different sense of where you are and what you are doing. It is simultaneously an experience where some of the unknown is gone, and yet what is known is still an illusion, because what you know is now based on expectation and recognition, which can be misleading.

And there's something to be noted about how time is conceptualized according to distance. We talk about distance in terms of hours traveled, but by the same token, time is also conceptualized by the distance driven. When I reach that spot, I'll know I've spent X amount of time driving. The same even applies to reading a book or playing a game. Whether we realize it or not we use our previous experience as an indicator of how much time is passed, yet again this is misleading, because the sense of time passed is based on your experience of distance traveled, game played, etc, and yet different people can have different experiences of time doing those same activities.

This is only important in the sense that we should never just buy-in to our experiences of life...or the elements that define life, such as time, or space. The experience is subjective and unless we question it and explore it, we run the risk of missing out on the unknown. We take the known for granted and yet what is known is an experience...not the reality.

Book Review: Thinking through the Body by Richard Schusterman

This was an intriguing book that explored the discipline of Somaaesthetics, or the aesthetics of the body. The author discussed the aesthetics in relationship to style, architecture, Japanese Noh theatre, muscle memory, to name just a few of the topics. The book is a dense, academic read, but well worth the effort as it explores the body through a variety of mediums. I found myself thinking about and experiencing my body with new perspectives as a result of reading this book. I'd recommend it if you are interested in developing a better relationship with your body, or want to learn more about this niche academic discipline.

Why Imagination is essential to magical work

 

Kat and I are reading The Miracle Tree by R. J. Stewart. There is a chapter in it, which he devotes to the topic of imagination. I like his definition of imagination, in part because its similar to my own, and acknowledges that imagination is a very real element of magic. I think of imagination as the composite super consciousness of all living beings linked together. He calls that the imagination of the universe which works for me. I think that when a person accesses imagination, s/he is accessing this superconsciousness. I suppose the best evidence of that is found where a person will invent something and someone else who s/he doesn't know will also invent it as well. The imagination works through people to bring forth new visions of reality.

And when a person works with his/her imagination s/he is accessing all the creativity that is available, but also the limitations of what people can conceptualize. At the same time the imagination could also be that place where we meet the spirits, a middle ground that they use to present a face to us, and that we use to discover more about them. I think of the astral plane as a good example of that latter idea. It's an experience which is based in the imagination, imo, and we shape it they way you can shape your imagination, but it's also more than that. Maybe the astral plane is one of the more "physical" representations of imagination.

Whatever you think about imagination, the truth is we use it a lot in magic. Visualization, for instance, is an application of imagination. When you visualize that piece of fruit, smell, taste, touch, and hear it, you are imagining it, which doesn't mean its a fantasy...It's a vivid experience that you have.

Still you might wonder what the difference is between fantasy and imagination. Fantasy is another form of imagination, albeit one usually caught up in specific desires. I think of fantasy as non-applied imagination. It's something you day dream about, but it's not the application of imagination to reality, so much as a desire to escape reality. People flee to fantasy to get away from something or to lose themselves in an experience. Applied imagination, on the other hand, always has some level of practical application involved. If you are writing a business plan for example you are using your imagination to help you visualize what the business will be and then you taking action, which starts the process of manifesting imagination into reality.

Imagination is possibility and what a person does is filter all those possibilities into something concrete and then s/he starts the process of applying it to reality. Imagination is the zero, entropic in a way because until action is taken its just endless possibility, but no reality. But imagination is essential to magical work and life in general because it provides us the forum in which we can visualize a different reality. If you had no imagination, you'd have no incentive or creativity to make change happen.

Here's a link to my latest radio interview from Pagan Propensities.

The Space/Time Magic Weekend intensive is happening soon!

The Space/Time Magic Weekend intensive is happening on the Weekend of March 30th and 31st. We will meet from 10am to 5pm each day at Essential Elements located at 7704 SE 13th Ave  Portland, OR 97202 Over the course of each day you will learn the Space/Time Magic system. This is a system that doesn't interfere with any tradition you are part of, and in fact can enhance your spiritual work. You will learn the following when you take this class:

• A detailed exploration of the elements of space and time and how they apply to magic.
• Space/Time Magic sigil techniques that you can use to stack the odds in your favor and manifest the possibilities you want into reality.
• Introduction to the Web of Space and Time.
• Space/Time Meditation practices that you can use to connect with alternate versions of yourself as well as your past and future selves.
• Connection with Space/Time Inner Contacts who will guide you in your continued work with the Space/Time Magic System
• And much more!

If you sign up before the 25th of March the class is only $180. If you sign up after it is $220. This class is part of the Way of the Magician Mystery School curriculum.

Have question or want to sign up? Contact me.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 4

1-23-13 I'm filled with self-loathing today, of an intensity I haven't felt since over 3 years ago. I'd say that for the most part I'm generally not filled with self-loathing, but occasionally it happens, especially when I let someone down. Anyway I'm filled with it and I tried to exercise today. I managed to exercise, but it was probably one of the hardest sessions, because I didn't feel into it in the way I do when I'm happy. If anything I felt kind of nauseous and heavy and unbalanced. I did the movements, but I had more trouble focusing on them. The part of myself that I consider to be the magician observed all of this with fascination, making mental notes that I could later share here, but the rest of me just felt so much pain and anger toward myself, and guilt over feeling like a burden.

I think about what I wrote earlier today, in the last entry for month 3, about how the recognition that you aren't moving or that you are moving very slowly can help you recognize obstacles in your life. I feel like I am the biggest obstruction to my own movement sometimes. I think if you're aware enough, you inevitably recognize that at least some of the non movement in your life is caused by yourself and your own dysfunctions. And as much as I make progress, sometimes I am just slogging through as best I can. Today is one of those days. I am grateful that this kind of day is rare now. There was a period of time where a day like this was something I experienced pretty much every day. I don't feel this way normally...but the next time I do I don't think I'll exercise that day.

1-24-13 My self-loathing culminated in a fever. I was sick all of last night...aches and a high temperature. It was a purging of all these emotions I was feeling, aided by a cathartic discussion with Kat about the issues at hand. This morning the fever was gone, as were any of the emotions. I felt like a new person, released from what I'd felt. New possibilities seemed to show up through the day. Sometimes the way to move something is to simply experience head on and fully embody it...not pleasant, but afterwards its purged.

1-26-12 So much for not being sick. I managed to break the fever on Thursday because I basically drew on internal resources to do it. I adrenalined my way over it, which lasted until Friday night, when I didn't need to be social anymore. So I'm sick again and just trying to rest, hoping it'll be gone by Monday, which is another busy, busy day.

2-1-13 I've been thinking about creativity and sexuality, and how they are expressions of a person's life energy, but also how they can effect each other. Too much of one expression can lead to a dissolution of the other. I have been reviewing my periods of creativity and I've noticed that I'm at my most creative when my sexual energy is focused and at my least creative when my sexual energy is unfocused. This has helped me understand periods of non-creativity and also helped me appreciate the relationship I'm in now. It's also made me realize how even minor interactions have been a distraction or spreading out of my energy. I want to focus my energy on what really matters, so I'm watching my interactions with more conscious intent, so that I can refocus on my goals and creative work.

2-06-13 I've been noticing that as I do the Tae bo exercises there's a point where I'm not really doing them so much as being them. I'm not trying to exercise, so much as I'm falling into and becoming the motion of the exercise. I relax into the exercise, into the motions and the exercise experience changes as a result. I feel more present with my body and feel an intimate sense of connection with each motion that consequently makes me feel really good. The effort is there, but it's not me acting on my body, so much as aligning with it. I've never had that experience before, but I think its come about because of the work with movement as an element. I'm more consciously aware of each movement and how it makes my body, my being feel as it resonates throughout me.

2-7-13 Sometimes movement is really about intuition and more specifically what intuition is providing in the way of information. I got this intuition earlier today that the next couple of weeks would be important for my businesses. We'll see what happens, but in general my intuition seems to be spot on and I could just feel this movement, this awareness of movement for my life.

2-10-13 Kat and I have been reading Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, which discusses the topic of grievance at some length. The other night I realized that by holding on the grievances of past relationships that I was still involved in those relationships. It doesn't matter if I haven't seen or talked to the person in a while. By being emotionally engaged with that person I am still in a relationship of sorts, albeit a toxic one that doesn't benefit me. I recognized this and it made me look at how my grievances carry those past relationships into my current one, which consequently then effects my interactions with Kat in ways that don't keep me present in my relationship with her. This realization really helped me look at some of my behaviors and choices in a new light, in a way that I think will help me account for when I am feeling a grievance of the past so that I can dismiss it and focus on the present.

2-12-13 Sometimes I feel like a failure as a business owner. I have clients who I've helped grow their business, but growing mine and making it viable seems to be out of reach. Than at other times I feel like I'm on top of the world and I actually get this whole business thing and know what I'm doing. From working with my clients, I know this is something every business owner feels. But at the same time I do feel alone as well. Being a business owner is lonely, because if you have people to commiserate with at some point you also have the reality of owning your business, with all the work that goes with it, to get back to as well. Kat reminds me that I rebranded my business last year, basically started over at square one, and on top of that really started to make magical experiments into a business as well. I just want it to get easier. And yeah I know I'm whining, but I'm allowed on occasion. I work my @$$ off for my businesses.

2-13-13 Today I'm feeling much better about business. It likely helped that I went to a networking event where I got a couple of ideas on how to enhance my business offerings, as well as meeting up with a few familiar faces. I do feel a current of movement happening...with both of my businesses. I'm trusting it and enhancing it because it is tipping the odds in my favor. And once I hit the tipping point, away I'll go.

2-14-13 A quick realization about grievance. I can hold grievance in a different space from the actual relationship I am in and recognize how grievance is influencing the relationship. When I choose to open up about my grievances and share them from a place of vulnerability, without applying them to the relationship I am in, I can help Kat understand them for what they are and we can work together to recognize and defuse them. I did that this morning with her and I was able to let myself feel the pain of that grievance without attaching it to our relationship. I felt much better afterwards. I also felt liberated by the process and feel that I can continue to use it to help me grow as a person, as well as in the relationships I am in.

2-16-13 Another realization about grievance. On a deep level grievance is something you use to justify why you are fucked up, why you are dysfunctional, why you are unloved. It says, "See here is all the supporting reasons to show you are unloved and unwanted." On a different note, I'm at Pantheacon, which always brings up a mixture of memories and emotions, as well as feelings about whether I really belong, or wondering where my community is. Why does it bring all that up? Likely because I feel like a fish out of water in some ways. I am not a partyer for instance so I don't find visiting the hospitality suites to be as much fun because most of the people are there to party. There is a lot of small talk that happens and small talk isn't what I want. I crave deep conversations, or doing magic, or something else along those lines and sometimes I get that...I just have to find the right hospitality suite. Kat and I ended up in the People of Color hospitality suite and got into a long conversation about privilege and some of the challenges the POC faced getting a hospitality suite. And afterwards I chatted with a fellow about his book idea and I'm looking forward to getting it.

And I've been observing other authors. The really successful ones like, Thorn Coyle and Christopher Penczak, have a community and teams of people to help them realize their vision. Thorn even has videos and I seek book release parties left and right for various authors. I realize what a deficit I am operating at. I've been going it alone for so long as an author, and to a large extent as a publisher as well. Kat and I have talked a bit about what we can do to change that and on the drive back to Portland we'll discuss it further, but even one of my authors expressed concern about the amount of work involved for me. I appreciated that.

Actually one of the highlights of pantheacon has been talking with several of my authors, ones from the beginning and more recent ones, who expressed appreciation for Immanion Press and the work we've done and how I and Storm have helped out. I felt deeply touched when one author told me that she couldn't even begin to express how much she appreciated my help and how much she felt I'd contributed to and influenced her community through the Immanion Press work I was doing. I needed to hear that. I really needed to hear it and hearing it really helped me feel acknowledged in a deep way. I admit that sometimes I feel stressed with the amount of work involved with Immanion (and to be fair Storm does even more), so getting acknowledgement is really important, especially because a lot of the work is essentially volunteer work. I don't get paid a salary to do what I do, but I'm doing the publishing for the love of the books and the community.

I also got to meet Ivo Dominguez, Jr. and do a book exchange with him. I was thrilled to talk with him, because I've found his blogs intriguing. I'm hoping we'll get to know each other better, and I'm appreciative of getting some time and just talking with him about publishing and magic. I even got a good suggestion from him about distribution. As an author myself, I always appreciate it when other authors make time for me. I know their time is valuable and it means a lot that they make the time.

2-20-13 The more I work with movement, the more I realize how easy it is to take it for granted. We move everyday, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, but the conscious appreciation of movement makes it very apparent just how integral movement is. Movement defines a person, the identity of the person, creates structure and realization of possibilities. I have moved a lot this month and my work with movement has helped me see how movement can lead to lots of possibilities, but also how movement can limit, under the right circumstances. I feel that purposeful movement can be as much a limitation as a possibility. If I choose to move this way I close one door, but also open others. And the significance of any move is at the same time much more personal than anything else. If I choose to only publish my books with Immanion for instance, it is a personal move made for specific reasons that most people may not care about unless I choose to say something...to move in another way, but even then such significance only really lasts in the life of the person doing the movement.

What's under the Mask?

The other day, in a teleconference call for the Process of Magic class I was asked if I thought a deity represented access to something beyond what it was in and of itself. It was an intriguing question and it prompted me to consider my own perspective/experiences of deities as well as what I've read in various books.

When I work with a spiritual entity of any sort, I recognize it's own existence in and of itself. But I've also noticed that various entities also represent specific functions. This is true not just for deities, but also Angels, Daimons, etc. On the one hand, this can be attributed to the need humans have to label what they deal with and/or be able to explain the usefulness of a particular entity. On the other hand, it could also be true that the particular entity really does represent those particular attributes and has presented itself to people accordingly in order to provide its knowledge to those people.

On a deeper level, however, I also think that any given spiritual entity represents access to something deeper than it, something that is so primal that it may not be easily understood or experienced. Jung's archetype theory applies here. In one sense Loki the trickster is his own entity, and yet in another sense Loki is a facet of a deeper spiritual force that is the trickster on a more primal level. And when we find other entities that have similar characteristics of the trickster, like Coyote, what we see on one level, are the masks of that deeper spiritual force. Coyote and Loki are still their own entities, but they are also representatives of that deeper spiritual force, or masks, if you will that provide a filter for the spiritual force and a face that is understandable to the people who are working or interacting with that energy.

It's also important to recognize that there is a cultural facet attached to the archetype. Even though Loki and Coyote might represent the Trickster, there are culture specific aspects which don't make them swapable for each other. In other words, Coyote will have different cultural characteristics that are suited specifically for the culture where he represents the trickster. However, with the cultural aspect accounted for there is enough similarity in terms of what the trickster does that we can see access to something deeper, something that is underneath the mask. The question is can we understand it?

I think whatever understanding is had occurs at a very primal level. It is something that makes sense, but not in a necessarily rational manner. And when you consider how rational people have become, how analytical they are, the necessity for having a mask is apparent because the mask is for the analytical, rational sides of ourselves that need something to cling to in order to understand and work with that deeper spiritual power.

Constant Change as a factor of magic

  One of the books I'm reading, Hide a Dagger Behind a Smile, explores how Chinese War strategies can be applied to business practices. The author even includes case studies that show how contemporary businesses have applied these practices to deal with competition and customers. It's an intriguing read, and one that got me to think about the element of change and magic, when the author noted that how Western and Eastern cultures approach change is different.

The author argues that Western culture takes a linear approach to change and considers it to be something that occurs between periods of rest. In other words, change occurs as a specific result/reaction and when change isn't needed, everything comes to rest. This is a very linear model and approach to change. Eastern culture, the author argues, takes a non-linear cyclical approach to change, with the recognition that change is always occurring and the idea being that the business ideally has plans in place not merely for the immediate future, but also down the line, with a proactive projection of trends.

Whether the author's claims are true or not (I'm inclined to agree with his assessment of how Eastern and Western cultures approach change) what I found important is that an effective approach to change recognizes that change is always occurring. In the Process of Magic course I actually include change as an element of the process and argue that we need to recognize change as a factor in its own right...not merely the change we want to make happen, but also changes that are occurring outside of our control and as a consequence of doing magic.

Change does occur all the time and the change can include things we for granted. Digestion of food is a change that we might not consider (unless we have an upset stomach or are on a diet). Change only becomes relevant when it effects us, unless we actually choose to proactively make change relevant. I prefer to make change relevant in my businesses and my life, because its something that is there. We change from moment to moment, even if most of the changes are subtle.

When I think about magic and change, what stands out to me is that Western Practical Magic does seem to mostly be done as a reaction to change. A problem crops up in your life and magic is done to manage or solve the problem. A change is caused to manage or solve the change that has occurred. Certainly when I look at my past work, before exposure to internal work, I see practical magic used to handle a problem and get back to a particular desired state of existence. I also recognize with hindsight that such an approach has limited effectiveness because it doesn't factor change in adequately enough to be truly effective.

However the integration of Eastern Meditation practices and magical work has "changed" my approach to magical work, and to change in general. I have slowly but surely become more proactive in how I approach change, and how I plan my life and business. Instead of trying to back to a desired state of status quo, I embrace change as a constant and accept that planning for it is essential in order to leverage practical magic as a meaningful asset for creating the kind of change I want to bring into my life and the world in general.

Looking for change and actively incorporating it into magic, while accepting that there will always be change that I'm not aware of or can't control, has been useful in developing a proactive to handle the latter forms of change (which at least can be anticipated), while also making the former forms of change into a useful tool that aids the magical work I do. Change is a reality of life...one of the few constants that will always be there. I think that factoring it into the magical work you do, and proactively accounting for it is important in order for magic, as a discipline, to evolve.

Non-attachment and desire

I've been re-reading Relaxing into Your Being by B. K. Frantzis and redoing some of the exercises. I find that it can be easy to take exercises for granted if you do them long enough without really checking in on the source material you drew them from. In my latest reading of this book, the author made a point about how you can cultivate non-attachment and still feel desire and passion for life. I thought it was an interesting point and he further clarified by explaining that when you feel attachment to specific outcomes, what you feel is a reaction to the attachment, something that is obsessively pursued for the sake of the attachment as opposed to genuine appreciation or passion. And I find from my own experiences that this is indeed the case. I have been obsessive at times in my pursuit of specific experiences, in a reactive, non-reflective way that has been more about trying to satisfy an urge as opposed to really being present and understanding the urge. And my pursuit has always left me feeling unsatisfied and more empty than before and yet I have continued on as if the next experience will somehow be different. It never has been.

This is why I've made some changes in my life that I never would have entertained before a couple of years ago. I've come to recognize over time that so much of my behavior has been habitual behavior focused on trying to satisfy an attachment. And all this as really provided me is a sense of loneliness and emptiness that has left me more hungry, more starving, like a Hungry ghost, with a tiny mouth and a bloated belly that can never get enough, and is compulsive about trying to get something, anything, into its belly, without really savoring what it is having. I have recognized these behaviors in my sexual appetites and in my eating habits, and I haven't liked the results or the person I have been.

My choice to recognize attachment and obsession for what it is and then to step away from it and cultivate non-attachment hasn't been easy. It's been on-going work for almost ten years, and in all that time I feel like I've only really begun to make progress in the last couple years as a result of making some lifestyle changes. And yet I find that making those changes hasn't deprived me of the joy or passion that I can feel. I still love to write and paint and practice magic. And I still enjoy food and sex. If anything I enjoy them more because I am no longer pursuing them obsessively, but instead I am choosing to be mindful, to appreciate my experiences, but not be attached to the feelings around the experience. And I am continuing to cultivate non-attachment because it is helping me be more mindful of of my environment and other people.

I don't associate passion with attachment precisely because it is possible to feel passion and not be attached. When I paint a painting, I feel passion for the act of painting and enjoy it as an expression of creativity. I don't feel attachment because it's not something I feel a "need" to do. And I recognize that if I feel a "need" to do something that I should examine that need closely and ask what it really is. Is it a compulsion, something I am doing to try and fill something or is is it a genuine need that needs to be addressed? There is a distinct difference and understanding that difference helps immensely when dealing with attachments. And I recognize that passion, when healthy is a joyful expression of life that doesn't drive a person so much as it supports him/her in the experience.