Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 19: Acceptance

sigil 4-24-16 Yesterday I caught up to the last chapter I written in my superhero novel. It was a scary moment, because now it means I have to start writing the rest of the book. One of the books I've been reading on writing, Ensouling Language, discusses the fear the writer feels at looking at a blank page, or in this case a partially completed chapter, because the writer is revealing something of their selves, but in my experience its also the fear of "will I have anything to write". And that's a tough fear to face down. I feel it every time I start to write. And then I actually write and that fear melts into the writing along with the other emotions and writing is created. I'll admit in this case the fear is can I write fiction again after so long. The only way to find out is to start writing.

4-27-16 I just finished reading a YA book, Life by Committee. I found it quite interesting because the main character basically joins a website where other people come up with assignments for her to do, based on secrets she shares. I suppose what struck me about it was that in some ways it was an abdication of responsibility for her actions, because someone else was making the decisions.

Speaking of that I've decided to write a relationship contract for myself. I realize just how much my relationships are shaped by other influences and a friend suggested that I consider writing a relationship contract....really making a conscious decision on how relationships of any type will look and what my role in them is. I figure its a good idea to try this and see what I come up with from a place of intention.

4-28-16 When you compromise yourself, you compromise everything coming from you, because it has the burden of what you did on it, until such a time as that is changed or resolved. I wrote that today on Facebook, but I'm also writing it here. I have compromised myself sometimes and whenever I have, I've noticed my creativity goes down and I'm not as happy or focused, or anything else I could be. It's a reminder to stay true to myself, stay true to the art, writing and magic and to the people who are important in my life, because when I compromise I'm not showing up for any of that in the way I want. We all do it at one time or another but how much do we give away...more I think than any of us realize and whatever we've gotten in return isn't worth because it is temporary at best.

5-4-16 Sometimes my experience of stillness is the experience of inertia, of nothing moving no matter what you do. The temptation is to give in and stop trying and that may even be justified in the short term, but in the long term it leads to stasis, which I suppose is the ultimate form of stillness. But this is all about finding balance, so that form of stillness doesn't really work in the long run, because there is no balance in stasis.

5-6-16 Occasionally I get into conversations with new acquaintances where they tell me how my work has stood out to them or influenced them. It always surprises me, not the least because for the most part its not something I hear often. I guess I have been hearing it a bit more often though and it's kind of gratifying to hear from someone who says, your work moved me. My work has always been on the fringe of magic and Paganism, not traditional enough for most people, and it took me a long time to accept that. But stick around long enough and I suppose it comes around.

5-7-16 I got into a conversation with my brother yesterday about anger and parenting. What stood out to me about the conversation was hearing how my dad had admitted how unhealthy his anger issues had been for us, but also recognizing a familial history around anger. My dad's anger has always been volcanic...it just erupts. I learned early on to suppress my anger and rage because if I expressed it I got punished for it, but this in turn lead to volcanic eruptions for me with anger, for a long time. I've gotten much better about it over the years because of the internal work I've done around anger, emptiness and other related emotions, but it really stood out to me that I have a similar expression of anger as my brother and my dad have, and this makes me think that my dad must've had similar experiences as a kid, where his dad would have a volcanic anger eruption and my dad would have to keep his feelings to himself. I don't know if that's true, but it likely is, and this gets me thinking about my great-grandfather, his father and so on and so forth. People don't typically think of the family history of an emotion and how it's handled (in no small part because even with today's standards of life span we usually don't meet people in the family more than 3 generations back). But there is a history to such emotions and while I can't have a chat with my grandfather or great-grandfather or his father to discover how they handled anger, I can make an educated guess.

Now you might wonder why I would even bother. Why is this relevant at all? I think it's relevant because if you want to change behavior it's worth understanding where that behavior comes from and not just in terms of where it originates from you, but also where it originates from in your family. I don't know for sure if every male ancestor from my father's side had volcanic eruptions of anger, but recognizing the pattern in myself, my brother and my dad says there's something there and how that helps me is knowing that this pattern of behavior doesn't come from a void. It has a history and origins and that makes it easier to understand and work with. There is so much that informs our identities and I think we often ignore a lot of it because of the shortness of our lives. We don't take the long view, when perhaps we would benefit from at least trying to.

5-14-16 On the rare occasions I run into someone I don't like, I've been using my stillness work to recognize my dislike and then just be still. Today I ran into someone I didn't like and I just stilled myself and let it go. He was just a person I briefly had to deal with and then my day continued on. I like that approach. It's something I'll need to use a couple times in the next couple of months and giving it a test drive today was useful.

5-15-16 I think that some of the biggest challenges I've had with Stillness has really been around maintaining that sense of Stillness. The last few months has been so busy for me and as a result I've felt really challenged to be still or to settle into stillness. Yet I think that challenge has been really appropriate because life doesn't stand still, so if you want to cultivate stillness you've got to be willing to do it while also experiencing life. It's hard work, but its also realistic work.

5-19-16 It's been a crazy week. Kat was sick and as a result my own schedule went upside down. Nothing unmanageable, but it was a lesson in just letting go. I had to let go of my usual schedule and also just put some projects on hold to focus on what was most important: Helping her get back to a place of health and taking care of the rest of the family as well. It was an exercise in Stillness, in its own right, because I just had to accept the situation and work with it. Stillness is about acceptance. You accept the situation. And in that acceptance you actually open yourself to the possibilities in the situation and make it into what it can be.

5-21-16 Kat and I've been watching 12 Monkeys, the TV series, and at one point the father of the main character says "You only fail when you give up." Wise words. I pondered those words a few times this week, thinking about how important it is to never give up on what you are called to do. What being still has provided me is the depth of clarity about why I'm called to do what I do. It's provided me a deeper acceptance about where I am and what I'm doing and helping me not stress about what is or isn't working. And at the same time I've still got to work my process and make things happen. I think I'm beginning to figure out this balance between stillness and doing, being and moving. There is place for being still and yet still doing something...you just have to be patient in figuring out how it works. The beauty of it is that there is so much benefit once you figure that relationship out, because you are able to be still and yet move in a way that works for you.

The identity of family and how to work with it magically

assassins creed In the most recent episode of Magical Experiments podcast, Maviiin and I were discussing identity and at one point we talked about the identity of family and how it can shape a person positively or negatively. Maviiin made the interesting suggestion that we should be able to change our names at 25, if we want to choose a different one and I like that idea a lot. Yet a recent conversation with a family member got me to thinking about how family identity isn't just constructed by your parents, but also by your ancestors. And why I think that's important is because when we work with our identity, its worth spending some time exploring the environmental factors that play a role.

Family is one of the most significant environmental factors in a person's identity, but for the most part when we think of family, we tend to think of the immediate preceding generations, mother and father, grandmother and grandfather, sisters and brothers (if you have them) and perhaps more distance living relatives. Beyond on a genealogy chart I don't think much thought is given to ancestors further back because those people are dead. They aren't immediate and yet I would argue that their impact on your identity is immediate, in the sense that they had a role in creating the identity of your parents and grandparents and that in turn was passed down to you via your parents and grandparents.

Now you can sometimes learn about your ancestors either via stories told by your parents or grandparents or through their own written accounts (if they left them), and it can give you some sense of who they are, but what is told and shared is filtered to some degree. You can make some guess work about your own patterns of behavior and your family's patterns of behavior to get a sense of how your ancestors might have contributed to those patterns of behavior (A person's behavior doesn't show up in a void after all. A lot can be discovered by looking at how your family handles different emotions for example and comparing it to how you handle your emotions). This isn't to say that you can't be a different person from your family, but I would suggest that even choice to be different is shaped by the identity of your family and the origins of that identity via your ancestors.  

So if we're going to do identity work on ourselves its worth considering how we might also work with our ancestors or at least learn from them? How do we work with them magically (if we choose to) and should we even work with them? I'll admit that I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to work with my ancestors because I'm not sure it would be helpful. What I really want to learn, if anything, is their role in my identity so that I can work with that. And my goal in doing that work really is liberating myself from identity constructs that come from the family or at the very least being aware of them and making whatever changes are most useful as a result.

One thought on how to proceed is to make an offering to my ancestors and ask that if any are willing to communicate to come forward so that I can speak with them. However I've also considered doing a magical working where I access their lives via the genetic information we possess. While there will be some genetic drift, especially as you go further and further back, I would think that as long as I have some genetic similarity to an ancestor I could access their lives through that (kind of like Assassin's Creed). I'll be developing a meditation technique for that process to give it a try and see what happens (and I'll report back here with what I uncover).

I'm curious if any of you, my dear readers, have done any experiments along these lines and what you discovered.

 

Why I created the Process of Magic class for you

The Process of Magic

I developed the process of magic class because many times I would get questions from other practitioners about how magic worked that demonstrated to me that one of the core issues people have with magic is that they got caught up in the image of magic, but don't explore the fundamental processes of magic.
 
I've always felt that understanding how magic works and why it works can help a magician a lot more than anything else they could learn and in my experience the process of magic is a lot easier to learn when you strip away the imagery and optional parts of magic and focus in on what actually happens when you do a given magical working.
 
In the process of magic class you'll learn how and why magic works and how to account for variables that can influence your magical work. I'll show how to take apart a magical working as well as how to put it back together and personalize it.
 
Here's what one of the people who's previously taken the class had to say about it:
 
I have been reading and experimenting with magic and the occult for over five years and it seemed like I was going off in too many directions, without a map to guide me. I felt like I was spinning my wheels. This course helped me focus, without tying me into any particular Religion or belief system. If you are looking for a course that builds a foundation for your understanding and practice of Magic, this is the one! This course has been amazing and I truly value your knowledge, experience and writing ability. I also like the fact that you are innovative and creative in your approach and take a progressive view of magic and are not mired down in some conservative tradition or other. You are on the “cutting edge” of magic and I am sincerely grateful to have the opportunity to take courses from you! Last but not least, you are ethical, conscientious and relate very well to your students. -- Testimonial from G. Marlett
 
If you'd to learn more about the process of magic, go here.

The Next Round of the Process of Magic is starting June 8th

Copyright Taylor Ellwood 2016 The next round of the Process of Magic is starting June 8th.

If you want to understand how magic works and why it works, this class is perfect for you. Over the course of 24 lessons, we explore what the essential principles of magic are and how they work. You will also learn how to take a part any magical work in order to understand how it works, as well as how to personalize your magical work to achieve greater results.

To find out more, click here.

April 2016 Magical Experiments Podcasts and Book Review

Copyright Taylor Ellwood 2016 Magical Experiments Radio: The Second panel of finding the Masculine in Goddess spiral featuring Philipp Kessler, Robert Alvarez, David Kling and Erick DuPree

Magical Experiments Radio: Pagan Leadership Panel with Manny Tejeda, Bill Duvendack and Karen Tate

Magical Experiments Radio: The Third panel of Finding the masculine in Goddess Spiral featuring Erick Dupree, Mathew Sawicki and Anthony Rella

Magical Experiments Radio: Demonolatry for the Win Panel with Felix Warren and Stephanie Connolly.

I was recently interviewed about Inner Alchemy and my work with neurotransmitters on live paranormal.

Book Review: Molecular Consciousness by Francoise Tibika

I will admit I was hoping for a book that shared possible techniques about how to communicate with your molecules. This book did not reveal such techniques. It's a good primer for explaining physics and showing that there is some type of communication occurring with molecules, but the author doesn't provide much else beyond that. If you're looking to understand the physics, this is a good book. If you're looking for something deeper or more engaging, you won't find it here.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 18: The Ugly Spirit

sigil 3-27-16 What's said in a moment of reaction should always be questioned because it was said in a moment of reaction. It's said with the heat of emotion, which shouldn't be ignored, but you want to question it as well. Acknowledge the emotion, but don't let the emotion define the context so much that something is missed. Not easy work to do in a situation where there's a lot of reaction. However it's necessary work that can save you and other people a lot of grief. And if you do say something in reaction or hear someone say something as a reaction give yourself and/or that person the benefit of the doubt, because chances are what's being expressed is just the service level of what needs to be expressed.

3-28-16 It's so easy to take someone for granted and when you do that it's really because you're so caught up in your own narrative that you aren't seeing the person but instead your seeing your narrative about that person. When you recognize that its time to admit it and still that narrative. Focus on really being open and present to the person instead of just making assumptions. When you do that you'll stop taking the person for granted.

3-29-16 In doing stillness work around appreciation, I realized how much appreciation is about respect and acknowledgement and that if you don't feel those things, it can cause a lot of resentment to build, which creates stagnancy in the relationships you have with people. When I was growing up, I was taught to express appreciation for everything and always made a point to thank people for the things they did for me. I think its a good behavior to have, but it also can bring up some feelings of not being appreciated when you aren't thanked for what you do or share.

4-2-16 I'm reading the Magical Universe of William S. Burroughs, which is a magical biography of the writer. I think I'll write a post in greater detail about my own magical experiences with Burroughs, but in reading the book its gotten me reflecting on how I'm coming full circle with my writing, coming back to what really inspired me as a writer. I'm leaving the dead weight of academia behind and I'm glad I'm doing that because there was a time where I was rather concerned that academia had killed my writing. But that didn't happen. And in reading Burroughs and reading about him, I feel like I'm reconnecting to a perspective as a writer that is experimental and pushes limits...which is part of what writing should be.

4-6-16 Today when I did my stillness work I sat with a feeling of comparison, specifically how I compare myself to other people and how that comparison sometimes creates more internal conflict than really needs to exist. I'm trying to launch my latest class and its been a bit of a flop. I had these high expectations, because I'd taken this class and learned some new skills, so when things didn't turn out quite the way I hoped I started going into that spiral of comparing myself to others. So I just sat with that today and really felt it and recognized how so much of that narrative goes back to things said to me by people over the years. People who I thought would be supportive, but weren't supportive in the way I needed. I told Kat last some of these feelings and she just told me she believed in me. She's been the only person who's consistently told me that and shown it in actions. Having that kind of support, that kind of belief is so precious.

4-7-16 Today Bune and I had a heart to heart conversation. He told me something I really needed to hear: Nothing is deserved, everything is earned. I'm going to actually turn that into a sigil for myself, but he made the point that my writing is how I will earn anything so I have to put my heart and soul, my effort into it if I want to manifest something. And he's right. The last couple of days have been hard but they have also been gifts for me from the universe and I am taking the lessons to heart.

4-9-16 Funny how you read or encounter something wen you need it the most, though as Burroughs put it there is no such thing as coincidence in a magical universe. I'm reading the Business of Wanting More and the author talks about how the lack of fulfillment can be traced to certain basic needs. In my case, its a need for acceptance and connection. I have had trouble connecting to people in a meaningful way and I've not often felt accepted. And those two needs play a big role in what drives me. As the author points out though when you direct the fulfillment of those needs externally, you can never get enough. You become an addict. Thus why people become workaholics, alcoholics, or consumeraholics, among other things. It all goes back to trying to fill up that sense of emptiness, but underneath the emptiness is the narrative of acceptance and connection. Yet if I can't accept myself can I really expect anyone else to or even if I encounter it, can I recognize it? The same applies to connection. So a lot there to sit with and work with. In a way, in choosing to launch JOY, what really happened is that the universe called me out. Tough love.

4-14-16 The last few days I've been rethinking my process on launching classes. Once I got over the disappointment I was feeling I stilled myself and took a hard look at what I was trying to do and how I was doing it. I had to allow myself to feel what I felt, but I couldn't myself become attached to it. There is a difference between feeling something and dwelling on it. I felt the disappointment and then I looked at what happened, so that I could figure out what I could do differently. That's what you do...you look at your process, figure out what works and what doesn't and make changes accordingly.

4-17-16 Burroughs talked about writing the Ugly Spirit out of him. It was something I always identified with. I guess I would call my ugly spirit, the inner asshole. It's that perpetual feeling of dissatisfaction, emptiness and rage that I've grappled with throughout my life. Over the last decade I've painfully managed to come to a somewhat better relationship with it, but its an ongoing work. I suppose the elemental balancing work is, in some ways, really just this ongoing work with this aspect of myself. I look back over the years and I do see this progression and change on my part. But it hasn't been easy for people in my life, let alone myself.

I think we all have an inner asshole or ugly spirit or whatever else you want to call it. Some people work with it or struggle with it and other people just wear it openly and delude themselves into thinking they don't have it. Not everyone's inner asshole shows up in the same way, but they all want to sabotage the person they are part of. And the only thing you can really do is figure out how to work with in a way that actually helps you as a person and addresses what has created the inner asshole.

4-19-16 I had an interesting realization about connection today. On the one hand I want it and on the other hand I'm afraid of it, or maybe its better to say I'm afraid of too much of it. The rationale behind that is that too much connection is letting someone too close, so close they can hurt me and I'm rather protective about that. Something to sit with further as I continue my stillness work.

4-21-16 Kat brought something up yesterday. She suggested that I needed to stop trying to dissolve that part of me I considered the inner asshole. I needed to work with it differently. So I'm going to give it a try and she's going to work with me on it. I've never really trusted someone to work with me in that way, but I trust her because our experiences in the early part of our lives have been similar. She knows me and understands the damage, just as I know her and understand the damage. We understand each other and so I'm going to give her approach a try and see what happens.

Why would I want to use Alchemy to change my life?

Taylor The other day I was asked a really tough question: Why would I want to change my life with inner alchemy and internal work anyway? It just seems like a lot of work.

Really what the person was asking was: How will doing this work actually help me improve my life?

If you watched the video series I shared yesterday you saw that I shared an intense story of how I changed my life applying the 7 principles of alchemy. It wasn't easy work. It involved doing intense shadow work with myself, yet in doing that work I got myself out of the rut I had been in and set my life up, at the time, with what I needed to thrive.

Doing internal work can be hard, but the alternative is to settle for being in a rut, in a place that I call the comfortable discomfort. The comfortable discomfort is that vague recognition you have that something isn't right with your life, but you're comfortable otherwise so you settle. And in settling you slowly kill part of yourself.

The comfortable discomfort is like a frog being put into a pot of water, and then having the water heated up. The frog will jump out if its put into boiling water, but if the frog is put into a pot of cold water and the water is gradually heated up, the frog will stay put until it dies. That's the comfortable discomfort, the rut that so many people settle for instead of doing the necessary shadow work needed to change their lives.

My class JOY is really about learning the techniques and processes for doing that shadow work. The joy is discovered in the bliss of facing what makes you uncomfortable and turning it into an ally. In order to uncover our light, we have to be willing to dive into our shadows, because what is in those shadows is what is keeping us from truly inhabiting a space of power and joy in our lives.

When we learn how to change our internal reality, we also set ourselves up to change our external reality. As Robert Anton Wilson noted, "What the thinker thinks, the prover proves."

With JOY, I want to show you how to get out of the rut of the comfortable discomfort and make the changes in your life, career, or business that will truly help you discover your light and make it shine, even as you turn your shadows into your allies.

Magical blessings,

Taylor Ellwood Magical Experimenter and Mad Scientist

P.S. Remember registration for JOY is limited to one week and I've already started getting some sign-ups, so if you feel this course could help you get out of the uncomfortable discomfort sign up today today and reserve your spot.

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How William S. Burroughs changed my writing and magic

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William S. Burroughs I never met William S. Burroughs in person, but I felt like his reading his books was an introduction to the person. I didn't even encounter Burroughs writing until the spring of 1998, a half year after the author in question had died. It was a senior class seminar for college and I needed the credits and nothing else was remotely appealing.

I remember walking into that class with only a vague idea of who William S. Burroughs was. I knew he was an author and that he'd written a book called Naked Lunch and supposedly done a lot of drugs. I remember not feeling overly enthused at the time, because I was a straight edge kind of person, but I needed the class.

Little did I know that reading William S. Burroughs work would have a significant effect on my magical practice and my writing.

As I started reading his books, I felt his presence, hovering over my shoulder. Burroughs is one of those writers who lives on in his writing, a phantom presence that comes and visits, whispering secrets in your ears as you read his words. You know he's there, but when you look, you can't find him. His soul is embedded in every word. You could say he's a virus in his words.

As I read his books and learned about his writing techniques, I felt like the secrets of the universe were revealed to me. Soon I was cutting up magazines and newspapers and my own writing and randomly gluing it altogether to create my own versions of cut-ups and like Burroughs I discovered that the cut-ups could circumvent linear time and provide glimpses and even manipulations of time.

But Burroughs didn't just write about writing or drugs or all the other subjects he's most known for. He also wrote about magic. Oh his books weren't your average magic books, written explicitly about magic. No, the magic was in his stories, in what the characters did and how Burroughs explained their relationship to the world, spirits, and whatever else he was writing about. In the lurid sex acts, in the depictions of corporate greed, and the frank exploration of the word as a virus, as well as the stories of magic, what Burroughs did was paint a picture of the world that would make so strong an impression on me that it changed me.

I experimented with writing and I experimented with magic. Burroughs wasn't about rules, but about possibilities, and the recognition that there was no such thing as coincidence in a magical universe. What he taught me was that the universe was magical and I had only to open myself to that fact to discover just how magical it could be.

For several years after I finished my undergrad degree, I religiously read Burroughs. There was always at least one book by him among the collection of whatever else I was reading. In reading his books I connected to his spirit and that spirit was my mentor as I experimented with time, and the alchemy of the body.

Burroughs taught me to question control and all its forms, to question the word and why people used the word in the ways they did. And he taught me to question magic and why magic need be so formal, or if it could just be simple and direct. In those days I did a lot of ceremonial magic and its fair to say that Burroughs ruined that for me, because in the way he wrote about magic, he boiled it down and made it simple. The magic of Burroughs was street magic, survival magic, the magic you do to get results, and you don't want to spend lots of time doing things that are unnecessary with that kind of magic.

I connected with Burroughs because I could relate to the struggle of his life as it pertained to dealing with the Ugly Spirit. My Ugly Spirit was my emptiness and I grappled with it constantly then (and for many years afterwards). In reading his writing and reading about his life, I felt a connection to what he'd gone through and while I didn't do anything so dramatic as his William Tell act, I nonetheless knew something of writing for the sake of writing out that ugliness within one's self, because so much of my own writing at the time was precisely about that.

Eventually I got into a Master's program for English and I drifted away from reading Burroughs work, but nonetheless his writing and magic had change me and my approach to everything I did with magic and writing. When the final book of Burroughs came out, Last Words, I remember picking it up and feverishly reading it, the words inscribing themselves into my soul. And his final words, so strong, so poignant speaking to me of a person who found his answers and was ready for the Western Lands.

I haven't read Burroughs in 16 sixteen years. The truth is that you can't read the works of someone like that casually. There's a commitment, a magical connection that demands discipline from you as a reader and as a writer (if you identify as such). But in this year of reconnecting to my writing roots and in some ways my magical roots once again, I have recently started reading his books again. And there his presence is again, ready and waiting after so long, to continue the instruction. I'm ready now to, ready to continue divesting myself of the dead weight of academic writing, which had dulled so much of my writing, to get back to the non-linear narratives that still sing in my soul.

Hurry up please, it's time to go. Nothing here but the recordings, but he's here to, in the recordings. I'm ready to experiment again, ready to see where this journey takes me. I'm ready Burroughs. Thanks for waiting for me.

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Magical Experiments March 2016 podcasts and book review

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Copyright Taylor Ellwood 2016 Magical Experiments Radio: Interview with Courtney Weber about how to cultivate a relationship with Deity.

Magical Experiments Radio: Pagan Leadership Panel with Rev. Judith Laxer, Philipp Kessler and Diana Rajchel

Magical Experiments Radio: Finding the Masculine in Goddess Spiral panel with Erick Dupree, Robert Scott, Robert Baggani, and Gwion Raven

Magical Experiments Radio: The Ethics of Pop Culture Magic with S. Rune Emerson

Radio Interview: I was interviewed about Pop Culture Magic 2.0 by Ancient Salvage Yard Podcast.

Book Review: Influence Science and Practice by Robert Cialdini

This was a fascinating book to read because the author explores specific behaviors people do that can be used to influence other people, as well as sharing how to defend against those behaviors. As I read the book I implemented his suggestions and found it was much easier to recognize situations where people were trying to influence and manipulate choices. This is a must read book to help you recognize these behaviors and defend against them. What this book will help you do is recognize how people are influenced, and why, and what to look for in whatever situation you are in, as well as what to do to counter those behaviors.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 17: Boundaries

sigil 2-26-16 I meditated about fulfillment today. One of the challenges I've had in my life is recognizing that fulfillment doesn't come from external sources, but rather from within. You can try and fill your life up with people, and things and adventures, but if you aren't fulfilled all any of that will do is make you feel empty. There are still days where I struggle with my feeling of fulfillment and there are other days where I feel fulfilled. My stillness work has lead me to greater fulfillment, because I've focused on being with myself and whatever I'm feeling instead of doing. Doing has always been the distraction for me.

2-29-16 I went away to RJ. Stewart's and Anastacia's weekend spiritual intensive with Kat. It was a powerful experience. I'm letting things settle and I'm sure that what I've experienced will show up in my other writing, but for this particular post there were a few of things of note that happened, which I've been processing in relationship to my stillness work.

The first is that I got a chance to tell R. J. my regard for him and how I consider him to be my spiritual mentor. I have never given another person such regard, for in general I consider most practitioners to be my peers, but I feel like he is part of a spiritual lineage that I identify with him and I feel rather fortunate to have the chance to learn directly from him. I may not always agree with his perspective, but I have a lot of respect for him and I'm glad to call him a spiritual mentor and also identify with the spiritual lineage that he is a teacher of. During the weekend I ended up receiving a spiritual transmission from him (beyond the class) and I felt honored to have that acknowledgement as well as aware of the responsibility that goes with it.

The second is that Kat and I got into a conversation on the way home about some things that happened when we first got together and at a certain she expressed that she felt it was hard to express and process her feelings, because mine would end up becoming the center of the focus. When she said that it reminded me of something I read the other day on a Facebook post where a woman expressed that she wanted her classes to men, but was worried that they would make the classes about their experience, instead of honoring the focus of the class. Hearing Kat express a similar sentiment made me recognize how I wasn't holding presence with her, so I acknowledged what she said and asked her to express what she needed to and made sure that I kept quiet and listened. It's something I'm going to keep working on, in myself, because while I want to be heard, I also want to make sure I am listening.

The third is that I've been meditating further on fulfillment and my relationship with it. As I've noted before, I've sent much of my life looking externally for fulfillment. It's never worked and in doing the stillness work, I've been able to more fully come to grips with that. What stillness consistently teaches me is that embracing the unrest, as opposed to expressing it, is the key to achieve a place of deep connection with myself and with the world and universe at large. As simple as that sounds, there are days where its really hard, but in keeping at it I find it getting easier.

3-6-16 I've always felt a sense of dissatisfaction, for as long as I can remember. That dissatisfaction has driven me and driven my dysfunctions. I was sitting with that today and also with just the pain I've caused other people because of my issues. So often people get fixated on their issues and how those issues effect them, but they don't always recognize how their issues effect other people in their lives. And the only way to find out is to ask someone how have I hurt you and then listen as best as possible without reaction. When you can do that, then you've taken on another level of responsibility for your issues because you now know how they affect other people.

As a follow-up to that. When you can hold space with someone you've wronged, that's when healing for both of you can happen. And it needs to happen or you hold on to anger and resentment and that doesn't do you any good. Sometimes the very act of acknowledging the harm you caused also opens the door to getting acknowledged on your end.

3-8-16 I learned a lesson about stillness and reaction today. When you are put into a position of being between a rock and a hard place, the temptation to react is huge. You're in a very uncomfortable position and you want to get out of it, but the answer isn't to react, but instead to really sit with the discomfort until you come to a place of proactive awareness or a means of reacting minimally. You may find that a reaction is all that can happen, but if that's the case, make it into something that gives you power. Make it into something that truly represents you and at the same time make sure that what it really does is speak for your values and truth, instead of someone else's.

Sometimes, as well, making a brief statement is all you need to make. It's briefness may speak for itself.

My friend Kelli recently pointed out that I've had a number of situations come up where I've had to draw boundaries and it's true. Since November, in one form or another I've had to make some boundary calls. It makes me wonder if that's another aspect of Eligos, especially as it relates to his relationship with time.

3-14-16 Today I'm sitting with some anger and sadness over a recent situation. I was going to present at a conference in April, but I backed out because one of the other people was promoting racism. That person is now gone on from the event, which is good, but this whole situation just bothers me. What I'm sad about really is that this was the last event I had scheduled for this year. I am not, so far as I know, presenting anywhere else this year. And that's my choice. I took a deliberate stand on conventions and presenters and if one of the consequences is that I don't present somewhere, that's my consequence to live with and I am living with it. I'll get over it eventually, especially because my asymmetrical strategy is bearing fruit, but you still sit with that realization of a choice and it hits you hardest when you realize you've hit that place of no return. I guess I already hit that place, but maybe its the fact that I know I'm not going to go out of my way to present...that the only way I know I'll present is if I'm contacted and people express that they want me and are willing to invest in me. I know it's a smart and good move, but it still hits when you purposely choose to take a step.

It's another lesson in patience. I'm learning all these different ways I need to be patient and that is its own challenge in stillness work, especially in a "I want it now" world of Western commercial culture. I'm actually quite good at being patient. I had to wait many years before I could move in with my mom, when I was a kid. I had to be patient then, because a kid wasn't considered to know enough about what I wanted (never mind that I wanted to live with my mom a lot earlier than when I got to). This is just another type of patience. I'm being patient on multiple fronts and working my process and through it all taking every reaction, every emotion and stilling it so that it can all be redirected in a way that's useful. That's a significant part of how stillness work happens.

3-20-16 Another interesting aspect about boundaries (I wrote a post about Eligos and boundaries recently) is realizing when boundaries need to be created or enforced because too much growth is just as bad as not enough growth. Knowing when to say we need to slow down or stop at least for now is important. Respecting that boundary can make a significant difference in a person's life, a community, and so much else. In its own way its another form of stillness.