Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 17: Boundaries

2-26-16 I meditated about fulfillment today. One of the challenges I've had in my life is recognizing that fulfillment doesn't come from external sources, but rather from within. You can try and fill your life up with people, and things and adventures, but if you aren't fulfilled all any of that will do is make you feel empty. There are still days where I struggle with my feeling of fulfillment and there are other days where I feel fulfilled. My stillness work has lead me to greater fulfillment, because I've focused on being with myself and whatever I'm feeling instead of doing. Doing has always been the distraction for me.

2-29-16 I went away to RJ. Stewart's and Anastacia's weekend spiritual intensive with Kat. It was a powerful experience. I'm letting things settle and I'm sure that what I've experienced will show up in my other writing, but for this particular post there were a few of things of note that happened, which I've been processing in relationship to my stillness work.

The first is that I got a chance to tell R. J. my regard for him and how I consider him to be my spiritual mentor. I have never given another person such regard, for in general I consider most practitioners to be my peers, but I feel like he is part of a spiritual lineage that I identify with him and I feel rather fortunate to have the chance to learn directly from him. I may not always agree with his perspective, but I have a lot of respect for him and I'm glad to call him a spiritual mentor and also identify with the spiritual lineage that he is a teacher of. During the weekend I ended up receiving a spiritual transmission from him (beyond the class) and I felt honored to have that acknowledgement as well as aware of the responsibility that goes with it.

The second is that Kat and I got into a conversation on the way home about some things that happened when we first got together and at a certain she expressed that she felt it was hard to express and process her feelings, because mine would end up becoming the center of the focus. When she said that it reminded me of something I read the other day on a Facebook post where a woman expressed that she wanted her classes to men, but was worried that they would make the classes about their experience, instead of honoring the focus of the class. Hearing Kat express a similar sentiment made me recognize how I wasn't holding presence with her, so I acknowledged what she said and asked her to express what she needed to and made sure that I kept quiet and listened. It's something I'm going to keep working on, in myself, because while I want to be heard, I also want to make sure I am listening.

The third is that I've been meditating further on fulfillment and my relationship with it. As I've noted before, I've sent much of my life looking externally for fulfillment. It's never worked and in doing the stillness work, I've been able to more fully come to grips with that. What stillness consistently teaches me is that embracing the unrest, as opposed to expressing it, is the key to achieve a place of deep connection with myself and with the world and universe at large. As simple as that sounds, there are days where its really hard, but in keeping at it I find it getting easier.

3-6-16 I've always felt a sense of dissatisfaction, for as long as I can remember. That dissatisfaction has driven me and driven my dysfunctions. I was sitting with that today and also with just the pain I've caused other people because of my issues. So often people get fixated on their issues and how those issues effect them, but they don't always recognize how their issues effect other people in their lives. And the only way to find out is to ask someone how have I hurt you and then listen as best as possible without reaction. When you can do that, then you've taken on another level of responsibility for your issues because you now know how they affect other people.

As a follow-up to that. When you can hold space with someone you've wronged, that's when healing for both of you can happen. And it needs to happen or you hold on to anger and resentment and that doesn't do you any good. Sometimes the very act of acknowledging the harm you caused also opens the door to getting acknowledged on your end.

3-8-16 I learned a lesson about stillness and reaction today. When you are put into a position of being between a rock and a hard place, the temptation to react is huge. You're in a very uncomfortable position and you want to get out of it, but the answer isn't to react, but instead to really sit with the discomfort until you come to a place of proactive awareness or a means of reacting minimally. You may find that a reaction is all that can happen, but if that's the case, make it into something that gives you power. Make it into something that truly represents you and at the same time make sure that what it really does is speak for your values and truth, instead of someone else's.

Sometimes, as well, making a brief statement is all you need to make. It's briefness may speak for itself.

My friend Kelli recently pointed out that I've had a number of situations come up where I've had to draw boundaries and it's true. Since November, in one form or another I've had to make some boundary calls. It makes me wonder if that's another aspect of Eligos, especially as it relates to his relationship with time.

3-14-16 Today I'm sitting with some anger and sadness over a recent situation. I was going to present at a conference in April, but I backed out because one of the other people was promoting racism. That person is now gone on from the event, which is good, but this whole situation just bothers me. What I'm sad about really is that this was the last event I had scheduled for this year. I am not, so far as I know, presenting anywhere else this year. And that's my choice. I took a deliberate stand on conventions and presenters and if one of the consequences is that I don't present somewhere, that's my consequence to live with and I am living with it. I'll get over it eventually, especially because my asymmetrical strategy is bearing fruit, but you still sit with that realization of a choice and it hits you hardest when you realize you've hit that place of no return. I guess I already hit that place, but maybe its the fact that I know I'm not going to go out of my way to present...that the only way I know I'll present is if I'm contacted and people express that they want me and are willing to invest in me. I know it's a smart and good move, but it still hits when you purposely choose to take a step.

It's another lesson in patience. I'm learning all these different ways I need to be patient and that is its own challenge in stillness work, especially in a "I want it now" world of Western commercial culture. I'm actually quite good at being patient. I had to wait many years before I could move in with my mom, when I was a kid. I had to be patient then, because a kid wasn't considered to know enough about what I wanted (never mind that I wanted to live with my mom a lot earlier than when I got to). This is just another type of patience. I'm being patient on multiple fronts and working my process and through it all taking every reaction, every emotion and stilling it so that it can all be redirected in a way that's useful. That's a significant part of how stillness work happens.

3-20-16 Another interesting aspect about boundaries (I wrote a post about Eligos and boundaries recently) is realizing when boundaries need to be created or enforced because too much growth is just as bad as not enough growth. Knowing when to say we need to slow down or stop at least for now is important. Respecting that boundary can make a significant difference in a person's life, a community, and so much else. In its own way its another form of stillness.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 16: Patience

1-22-16 Something I've been realizing the last week or so is that if I'm going to make all the changes I want to make to my respective businesses and also to me, I really need to give myself the time and space to do it. At the same time I've also got to take good care of myself. Today I was feeling a struggle between getting my exercise in and just working away on the projects I'm focused on and I realized I was falling into a scarcity trap. So I stopped myself, took a deep breath and looked at the scarcity trap for what it was and then decided to get my exercise in. Making that time is important because its what recharges me and gives me the fuel to put into the businesses. And this is stillness in action. Recognizing patterns of behavior that are holding me up, stopping to work through the obstructions and then continuing on to do what needs to be done.

1-26-16 I left the networking groups I was part of yesterday. I think it's a good move as I continue with the class work I'm doing through Thrill. I need the time to continue to shepherd my businesses through their evolution. Speaking of evolution, I've been continuing to swim fairly regularly and I'm enjoying it. When I'm swimming its moments of the physical experience with occasional flashes of thought, which usually end up pointing to something I can work through and dissolve. Today's was acknowledging a trait I find annoying in another person, yet I also sometimes exhibit. What we don't like about someone else is usually an indicator of what we don't like about ourselves (though not always). Mixed in with the ongoing stillness meditation, the swimming is proving quite helpful with the internal work.

1-27-16 Today in meditation I opened myself up to the feelings of fear and anxiety and fully became present with them. Feeling those emotions so raw wasn't easy. I felt my stomach knot up, but in sitting with them I was also able to go deeper into them and work with feelings of guilt and shame that were underlying the fear and anxiety. Fascinating how it all fits together. I'm still feeling it now as I write this, but I'm glad I'm open to the feeling because you can't do anything with it if you just bury it. And you can't do anything with it if you obsess over it. You just have to feel it, dissolve and continue on. I know what I'm feeling is because I'm making some good changes, but its natural to feel what I'm feeling as I work through those changes. so long as I keep it in perspective and use it to my advantage.

2-9-16 So there's a gap here where there were entries made, but due to website issues those entries are gone and unfortunately I can't remember everything I wrote. What I do remember is that in one of my recent meditations, Zadok visited and explained that one of the reasons I'm experiencing some trouble with my stillness meditation is because stillness does deal with change sometimes and learning how to handle that change while being present with stillness is one of the challenges. I found it to be helpful advice, because it is a reminder that you have to learn how to mediate forces you work with in various circumstances. Zadok doesn't visit a lot, so when he does I always pay attention.

On a different matter, I'm really grateful to my kids and the reason for that is because I learn a lot from them in our conversations. I've always felt that its important to keep an open mind, and to really stay open to learning from a variety of sources. I learn a lot from each of them, because while I may have more life experiences under my belt, it doesn't automatically those experiences trump their own. It just gives me a different perspective, but sometimes their perspective really helps me appreciate life from a different place. I'm glad they are a part of my life.

2-10-16 My friend Felix recently observed that I am much happier than I was in October. This is true. I made some choices that feel right to me and as a result I don't feel weighed down by being in circumstances where I'm supporting something I don't agree with. When you get rid of what you don't agree with, when you step away from circumstances that you know aren't right, it liberates you and allows you to focus on what really is important, what you really want to put your life and energy toward.

2-11-16 Today as I meditated, feelings of hate came up. There was a time in my life when hate and anger were what fueled my life. It's been a long time since that was the case, and today, in recognizing the emotion, I opened myself to it and just felt it. I didn't think about it. I felt the jagged, bitter sweet rush that simultaneously constricts you and also sets you afire. I felt it and I let it go. That's what stillness really brings...the ability to feel what you're feeling and to let it go, while you discover what's underneath. You feel that as well and you let it go. The attachments fade away and what you're left with is your energy, not focused on someone or something else, but focused on what's really important, which for me is living my life on my terms.

2-17-16 The last few days has been a trial of stillness. This website went down and I went to a resource who could fix it, but I had to wait and be still. Not easy, especially for a big trip, but the website is back and what being still in this case helped me with was not reacting to a situation beyond doing what I needed to get it under control. I let go of everything else and focused on figuring out a proactive future response and then focused on what I could do elsewhere. Still feels good to have the site back up where it belongs.

2-18-16 Something I've been realizing lately about people I don't like. I don't like people who have no substance or hide their depth behind a mirror sheen image designed to deflect people away from knowing them. Whether its the love and light mystic who doesn't own their own shit, or the shallow status seeking materialist who has to have the latest Apple phone and computer and whatever else, but has nothing substantive to offer to the world, I just don't like those people. I have no use for them, because frankly they're fakers who are too afraid to do the hard work of owning their own shit and working through their issues. They can create whatever image they want, but its just an illusion that they're using to hide from themselves, as much as anyone else, and any person with some real perception will see through them really quick.

2-20-16 At Convocation. It's been a good trip so far, with classes well attended, and the opportunity to meet new people, including one person who I hope will start up a new chapter of magical experiments. I'll follow up with her once I'm back home, but it would be good to have another group up and running and encouraging the kind of thinking and exploration we need in magical work. I've been continuing the stillness work and I find it to be very grounding, which is helpful. I miss Kat. It's interesting to realize just how essential a person is to your life, when you really allow them in.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 15: Respect

12-24-15 Writing those two open letters to the Pagan convention organizers has taken a weight off of me that I've carried for a long time. I'm glad I did it, regardless of what happens as a result. My meditations this last week have been a little scattered, but that's usually the case when you're dealing with something on your mind. I've been continuing to read and work through Awakening the Luminous Mind and some of the focus has been on the mind being empty. In doing the stillness work I've had moments where I've achieved a state of deep stillness and awareness without conceptual thought...and other times I've just had thoughts and emotions buzzing away in my mind. When you do this kind of internal work, both experiences can be valuable for different reasons. The thoughts and emotions can be that pain identity that needs to be experienced letting you know its there and that deep stillness can be that rich state of connection to everything that has no obstruction or block in place and is sublime in its experience. Acceptance of both experiences is essential. Focusing on trying to reach one experiences creates an attachment that actually pushes you further away. In a sense you just have to be willing to go with the experience you've got in the moment and see where it leads you.

12-27-15 Today I sat with feelings of fear, resentment, and shame around money and specifically spending money when it comes to kids. In sitting with it, inevitably what came up was my own experiences as a kid being transferred onto the current situation. While its fair to say that a lot of my basic needs were met, what I did encounter was that if I wanted something, I needed to earn it (which I think is reasonable) but when I got it would often be taken from me shortly after, because I'd be grounded for whatever stupid reason was the latest one. I also learned to be very thrifty because I would be told we can't afford that, which has its good and bad sides. So here I was today sitting with these feelings that had come up and recognizing how much those feelings contribute to my issues around money. I'm always trying not to spend it on anything not essential (according to me) but conversely also sometimes spending it on me. It's a weird dynamic, a double standard really and I don't like that either. So I sat with these emotions today and just felt them as they dissolved into stillness and I'll keep working with them so that I can resolve these issues. I think it'll lead to an even better relationship with my wife and kids, and also money, because I'm certain that some of this is sabotaging all of the above relationships.

1-1-2016 I came up with a collage for 2016, based on the theme of Respect. The last few months have involved a process of starting to respect myself in ways I never had before. Not surprisingly, this also extends to respecting other people more. There have been occasions in my life where I'e loathed myself and once a while I still feel that way, like when I recognize how I've hurt someone important to me in my life. Yet I also have something different than what I had before, a sense of certainty about myself, a conscious holding of space that I've worked hard to establish. That holding of space is carrying me forward into the work around respect I'm doing.

1-2-16 I've been reading the Outlander series as my brain candy reading. It's a good series, but one thing which stands out to me is how jealousy and possessiveness are treated in a favorable light. I have experienced bother emotions and what I've come away with is how much they're attachments. I think it's natural to feel jealous or possessiveness, but if its unexamined, it can become a fixation, an obsession. At the same time, its worth noting that sometimes what a person wants is to feel like they have a place with someone else. Will this person keep me? Will this person be committed to me? Jealousy and possessiveness is a kind of response. What I've learned with my own experience is just how important it is to be present with what I'm feeling so that if I choose to do something I'm not just reacting, but really figuring out what's informing my feelings so I can come at the situation from the right place.

1-5-16 I feel so happy and excited, so alive with possibility. Part of this is because of the Thrill class I'm taking, which is already helping me make changes in how I run my businesses. I'm respecting myself in a way I never have before, but more than that I'm stepping boldly into my identity and making it part of who and what I offer to anyone who wants to work with me. I've already made just a few changes and one of my businesses is taking off in a way it never had before. This is going to be a year of change and transformation, but I've already invited that in with the King's ride and I plan to go a lot further, with my businesses and my magical practice. This is the year of Respect and I'm taking it all the way to the top!

1-6-16 Today I signed up with the local recreation center so I can use their swimming pool. Swimming is a low-impact exercise that'll be good for for my joints. The irony is I haven't liked swimming for a long time due to being forced to take swimming lessons and go the swimming pool everyday when I was 14...seems like an opportunity to do some internal work around that. Plus it'll help me get to a healthier place with my body. I feel like doing this will allow me to connect with another part of myself that needs some healing and respect...do something that challenges me to go deeper.

1-7-16 I went swimming today for the first time. I can really feel it in my body, after the fact, but I actually kind of did enjoy it. This is me taking swimming back for myself so I can enjoy it again.

1-9-16 I started reading Magic Simplified by Draja Mickaharic. One of the very first things he says that is that desire is the first step to Manifestation, but that the other steps are more important. In considering what he wrote, I agree. Desire is a start, but means nothing without additional steps. It's potential, but potential becomes nothing without doing something to provide it form. As always I find Draja's work insightful, in no small part because of how practical it really is and also how simple it is. Simplicity is elegance with anything.

1-12-16 Sometimes you get hit with a moment of realization and it hits you hard. for me it was looking at the schedules of several conventions and realizing that after this year I may not be back at those conventions. A moment of panic and fear rose up and then I stilled myself and asked myself what the consequences were and they really weren't that bad or significantly different than what I'm already dealing with. I suppose as well that one of the reasons I'm feeling this way is because I'm making some big changes in everything I'm doing and it's a little overwhelming. Yet I know the end result will be worth it, for my sense of respect and my overall success. Winds will rise, rain will fall, storms will blow...stay the course to what is true for you.

1-15-16 Even though I'm working with the element of stillness, it really doesn't feel that way this month. There's lots of movement going on and I'm ok with that...it just makes me realize how you can't be still forever...inevitably you'll be moved and you'll need to move...and discover balance with all of that. Something else I've realized. I am not a conformist and I should take that desire not to conform and infuse it in all of my businesses. When I do that, it's part of what makes me come to life.

1-19-16 I'm working through some feelings of anger right now. Anger at all the times I was told what I could do or couldn't do, who I could be or couldn't be. All the times someone tried to control me, what I learned was to bury my anger and at the same time use it to subvert the people trying to control me. I couldn't express my anger directly, so I sabotaged them in whatever way I could...and that pattern has stayed in my life, showing up in other relationships. I see it now and I own it. It's a pattern I no longer need to keep in my life. It makes me both sad and angry. Sad that this pattern has been in my life so long and angry that it even came about in the first place when it didn't need to be. I just needed them to believe in me, instead of trying to control me. I just needed to be accepted for who I am instead of having someone try and make me into someone I'm not. Why couldn't I just be good enough as I was.

1-21-16 Today I feel balanced and focused. This has been an odd month. There hasn't been a lot of stillness in it and I've struggled to find it and yet also have allowed myself to be carried along the changes I've prompted for myself. When I've found stillness, it's been when I've allowed myself to be carried by the movement. In that motion I have nonetheless become still and through that found clarity in all this change I'm causing.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 14: Shame and Respect

11-25-15  Yesterday I finished writing all the changes to the magical experiments site (for now). It's funny that even in taking a retreat from writing, I'm still writing...just not writing for anyone else. Taking this retreat has been good for me though, because how I write for other people will change as a result of taking it. I value my writing and myself enough to make that change and whether anyone else appreciates that or not is a moot point I suppose. What matters is that I'm respecting myself as an artist and author.

11-29-15 Tomorrow's the last day of the retreat. It's been a good experience for me to just slow down and take stock of who I am and how that's showing up in my life. I'll admit I find it a bit ironic that I actually did a fair amount of writing during this retreat, but it wasn't writing for other people...it was writing for my businesses and me. Eligos has really been helpful through this and I plan on doing a lot more work with him as a result. He's become part of the pantheon of my life.

12-1-15 Part of my realizations around shame and respect has to do with the fact that I've compared myself to other people doing what I do. I don't think the comparison is really helpful. It has a shame component built into it I ask myself why do I even do it and inevitably what I come back to is that I'm a fairly competitive person, but also that so much of that comparison comes down to wanting to fuck with authority figures. Take that back further and that wanting to fuck with authority figures goes all the way back to childhood and wanting to feel empowered in a situation where I didn't have any power and so now that's displaced onto this comparison thing and there's shame mixed in because part of me is saying, "Well you must not be good enough, if these people are doing what you do so much better than you." It sucks and I feel this choking feeling. But I just need to sit with it, forget the comparison and the desire to fuck with authority which really has nothing to do with these people and just sit with the feeling of shame and let it unfold. It's so hard to do, yet I need to do it so much if I ever really want to shine.

I'm not respecting myself if I choose to do something because someone else is doing it. Anything I do needs to come from a place of genuine respect for myself. What I offer will be better for it, for myself, and the people wanting what is offered.

12-2-15 Today I invoked Abrimel and Ponclast (part of Dehara) to help me work through the competitive shame I was feeling. I let myself feel the emotion in my body. I found that it was rooted in my belly and it gave me some insight into how I eat...that eating in some ways is a response, a way to feel good and yet really to bury the emotions in my stomach that I don't want to feel. I was always told as a young kid that I was a good eater, one of the only compliments I ever got. Some food for thought with that one. Anyway Abrimel and Ponclast just helped me to hold space with what I was feeling. As I dove into the feeling of shame around my competitiveness I felt that pain rise up and at the same time unravel, revealing various memories and experiences I'd had. I felt tears running down my face as I heard that phrase, "You're a disappointment." I saw/experienced my own response, my determination to do my own thing and to undermine this person who saw fit to judge me for my choices. And at the same time I felt the rage and shame just set me up to do things in a harder way than I needed to. I stayed and felt this shame for a while. I'll revisit it tomorrow, sit with it, embrace it and then let it go.

12-6-15 As I meditated today, I ended up working with shame in regards to wanting to be noticed, which certainly plays a role in my competitive nature. When I grew up I was neglected by my dad and step-mom unless I did something bad at which point I was told what a disappointment I was and grounded and sometimes punished in other ways. Even if I was doing an activity such as chorus, I was told it wasn't good enough and why was I wasting time doing an activity like that as opposed to playing some sport or another. Later in my teenage years this same feeling came up in relationship to my "peers" and how popular or unpopular a person was. To me, getting noticed has played a simultaneous role of either not being good enough or being valued for something by someone. There's a lot shame there and I realize part of it is based on the lack of self-esteem and respect I've had for myself because I wasn't good enough...or I needed someone else's approval to be good enough. I'm done with that. I don't need someone else's approval to be good enough. What I need is to respect myself and be shameless about what I love doing. And if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, that's fine, but I don't need their approval to do what I wish to do.

12-7-15 Today I meditated on how insignificant I feel. It was prompted by seeing the schedule of another author the other day and seeing how many events this person is presenting at. Instantly competitive jealousy unsheathed its claws and  I sat with it some last night as I was telling Kat about it. Today I sat with it further and I realized that I feel insignificant and part of being noticed is feeling significant, feeling like what I'm doing actually matters. What if it doesn't? I felt so small. Yet who was making me feel small? Me. No one else. Just me and my inner demons. I can let them do that or I can do something about it. I suppose that's what all this work is about. I'm doing something about it. Feeling insignificant is hard, especially when you sit with it, but so is sitting with any of the things I've been sitting with. You sit with it, open yourself to the experience, open yourself to the pain identity and it hurts and yet you see how it's defined your behavior and actions, defined your identity and so it becomes a question of whether you want that to continue being your identity or if you want to liberate yourself from that identity. I choose the latter.

12-11-15 Sometimes you do so much internal work that you become that work. It's another form of pain identity. Yes the internal work is important, but you've got to balance it with practical work as well.

12-16-15 The last few days have been really good for me. Kat and I had a long talk about my feelings of competitive jealousy and she helped me see just how much I was giving my energy to the people I'd been feeling jealous of. When you become a hater, you become that person's servant. You hate them for it, but you serve them because you're focused on them and their activities. Letting that go is another form of embracing shamelessness about who I am because I'm not letting me identity be defined any further by someone else.

I've also been doing some further thinking about how I write. I'm recognizing that I need to incorporate story and mythology into my writing. I've been studying how this other person writes, who I'll be taking a class from and trying my own version of viral writing out and each time I'm learning something from the writing and also from what she does.  I'm excited about the possibilities for my business and look forward to seeing what else I can do.

12-20-15 Today and yesterday I rolled the dice and called out issues I have with the Pagan convention circuit. Pretty much since the beginning I've had issues with how things are run, but I always held back from saying anything because I didn't want rock the boat or for other reasons. I'll admit I'm a bit anxious about doing it, but all this work around shame and respect has made it clear to me that I need to stop holding myself back. I may not always like the consequences, but if I do nothing I'll like that result even less. I know there will be some people who don't like what I have to say, but when has that ever not been the case? Genuine change doesn't occur without risk and so I'll take the risk and adapt to whatever results occur, knowing I can live with myself as a result.

12-21-15 I didn't sleep much last night. Writing those two posts and sitting with the resultant anxiety wasn't easy. At some point Kat woke up and noticed my restlessness and I told her my fears...that I might alienate some fellow presenters I know, that I might never present again and she told me that taking my stand was what I needed to do and that she'd seen the numerous times I'd felt frustrated with the inequities I'd observed. She told me that yeah I'd taken a stand and maybe as a result I wouldn't be at other conventions, but that I'd find a way to succeed and that I had already made the choice not to be at those conventions anyway so what was I really worried about? And she's right. I will find a way to succeed. I couldn't continue to just participate in a system I didn't agree with and while I recognize that perhaps what I'm calling for is asking for a lot, I also think if nothing is ever said, nothing is ever changed. If the result, for me, is that I'm blacklisted, I can accept that as the price for pushing for some much needed change.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 13: Shame

10-22-15 When you have a reaction to a situation, its worth spending some time pulling it apart. Yes you can feel whatever emotions come up, but afterwards explore why you feel that way and what created that feeling of tension and reaction. Unfortunately as easy as this is to write, to do it can be harder to execute. People can think they are doing internal work by simply recognizing what they feel and that's a good first step, but to really do internal work involves actually working through the feelings and understanding the conditioning involved. For example, I recently had a situation come up where my name was associated in a manner I hadn't been notified about. I felt upset for a few different reasons, but after the situation was resolved, I spent some time exploring what I felt and connecting it to other moments in my history, as well as pulling apart the reasons for my feelings. I stilled myself to really uncover what was underneath the reaction and the result is that I feel I understand why I felt that way and I know I need to do some work around how I value myself, and why certain external cues bring up the feeling of not having value. If I just felt what came up, but didn't go deeper, there'd be no opportunity to meaningfully change the behavior and become a better person in the process.

10-24-15 Yesterday I was reading Awakening the Luminous Mind and the author talks about the importance of awareness. It's not enough to be open to an experience, you also need to be aware of it and aware of yourself. It might seem like awareness and openness should go hand in hand, but the author makes the point that awareness allows you to fully bring yourself into the space you are in. You aren't just there, but rather fully present. It's an interesting point to make and one I'm appreciating as I consider how aware I am when I'm in a given space.

10-29-15 The pain body and identity is the pain that defines your life and thoughts. It can be your desires and whatever you are attached to. It's also what stops you from fully coming into your own. Tenzin points out that genuine confidence comes from not having anything to lose and being fully open to stillness. I'm definitely not there. I can feel my pain identity and how it shapes me, but I can also acknowledge it and be much more aware of it than I had been previously and that is a huge step forward.

10-30-15 Today I worked with a facet of my pain identity, or rather I opened myself up to holding space with it and being still and as a result I felt it dissolve and clear away into space. It felt really good. At first it was just this block defining me, creating this identity around an issue and then I opened myself to it, really felt it and it just relaxed and released.

11-2-15 At this time of year I usually hit a place of burnout and this year is no exception so I've decided to give myself a month off to focus on and recalibrate my business. It's clear to me that part of my challenge is that I don't connect with people on an identity level, at least not enough. I'm saying that because I see other people who do and their writing is more personable on an emotional level. I've always been an information person, but that's not helping me with my businesses, so I'm taking some time to consider that realization and figure out what I can do with it, as well as wrap up a couple of projects.

11-3-15 Yesterday I wiped my whiteboard clean. I got rid of all the projects on it and it felt like I was getting rid of a lot of clutter. I wiped the board clean and created Tabula Rasa. It felt good. Later I put only the projects on it that need immediate action from me. I think I need to do that from now on...It just makes it easier for me to do the work well instead of getting overwhelmed by everything else.

I've also started working with Eligos, a goetic Daemon who has some interesting influences with both time and writing. I've actually decided to take ab break from my usual routines for November, prompted in part by him. Today I was thinking revising some of the writing on my website and he chimed in and said just let it percolate. Let yourself be still and just think about the writing and feel it. Don't rush it. So I'm not going to rush it. It'll still be there when I'm ready for it.

11-4-15 Today in a conversation with a fellow business owner and writer, it became clear that part of the issue I'm facing with my writing is that it's not heart centered enough...not the writing that needs to move people enough that they want to make a decision. I've felt that way before, but Eligos tells me I need to really sit with that realization and NOT write (Beyond what I'm doing here). That's tough, because I want to write and yet I know he's right (There's a pun in there somewhere). So I'm taking a deep breath and not writing. I'm being still and allowing myself to get in touch with my identity as a writer. Also in that conversation I recognized how much academia still influences my writing, and that's fine for the books, but not so much for online writing, not if I want people to read and comment and otherwise care about what I'm doing. I've got lots of ideas swirling and I know that what I need to do is just sit with them. It's hard to do, but worth doing as well.

11-6-15 Today I saw the activity of someone I consider a competitor and I felt some jealousy because this person is pretty successful. Then I really sat with that jealousy and I realized something profound. Underneath that jealousy, the root of what I felt was shame. The shame of not feeling good enough, of not having everything in place and perfect. I really sat with that feeling of shame and just let myself hold space with it. It was hard because I realized how much shame has motivated my reactions and how much I've pushed it down and drawn on other emotions. And it doesn't just show up in my business or writing, but also in other areas of my life,yet I recognize that if that emotion is part of what's going into something I'm writing, it's certainly an influence on an emotional/energetic level and one I'd prefer not to have.

11-8-15 I looked at my whiteboard today and I was struck by the thought that I need to erase it at the end of each day and then in the morning only put on it what I think I'll work on that day. Otherwise I'm just seeing this list of things I need to get to and sitting with the reality that I haven't gotten to them. That creates its own sense of burnout I realize, because I'm reminded of what needs to be done and that I haven't gotten to it. It also clutters my mind instead of helping me focus. The potential downside is I might not remember something I need to work on, but as Eligos points out, if its truly important won't you remember it anyway? It's a good question. So I think I'll try that with the whiteboard...put on it what I think I can get to and then eras it at the end of the day. A clean slate opens the way to possibility.

11-9-15 I've started rewriting the magical experiments website. Part of my reason for rewriting the website is because I want my authentic voice to come through and I don't know that it always does. In some ways, I've gotten so caught up in trying to master a marketing/sales formula, but it hasn't really enabled me to present my voice, which ultimately hurts my efforts. So I feel really good making changes on the site, because I think it'll allow my voice to come through and give readers genuine access to me.

11-11-15 Today I did some deeper exploration of shame. I realize that shame has shown up in my professional life, in the sense that I have never really felt respected and have felt that I've always had to struggle to be recognized. I think at least some of that is a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I also know some of it is based on experience, particularly with how people treated my pop culture magic work (the last laugh is mine on that though). However I've used those experiences to continually justify a self-defeating perspective, a shame perspective that has influenced how I've presented myself, my writing and my businesses. It's not something I care to continue to do and so this recognition is important because with it I'm able to change that internal narrative that has otherwise held me back. I feel the shame in my heart, solar plexus and belly physically. The essential message of that shame is I'm not good enough...I'm a disappointment, handed to me by my father who would tell me I was a disappointment for not measuring up to how he thought I should do with grades, or other activities. But this shame has continued with the feeling of workaholicism, the constant need to prove myself. You know...I don't need to prove myself anymore and I feel like any work I do will come from a place of genuine desire and joy instead of shame.

11-14-15 The last few days have been quite interesting. I got to see the New Alexandrian Library, and taught classes at Ivo Dominguez Jr's place (and I'm actually allowed to do a separate post about the library for this month since its a special occasion. And now I'm visiting my mom in York. It's weird being back in York after over a decade of not living here. There are places that are the same and places that have changed. I feel bittersweet nostalgia as I look at some of the places I visit, such as where I met my first girlfriend, first had sex, as well as just being in a place that wasn't easy to live in because I didn't fit the standard. Being back here is strange, and yet good. I get to see my mom after all.

In other news, I called on Eligos during my workshop, which he was cool with, but which also indicates that yes we're going to work more closely together. I'm still continuing to do a lot of work around shame. Even as I was teaching the workshops, I was carefully monitoring my own responses and reactions and caught some things I'll be exploring further because I think it'll help me work with shame even further.

11-16-15 I decided to sign up for a class on how to write for the social web. I feel anxious and excited. I'm a good writer, but I can be a better writer. Just as importantly I really want to make a living at what I'm doing and getting some help with that is well worth it. If you don't challenge your strengths, you'll never know how far you can really go.

11-18-15 In Awakening the Luminous Mind, the author makes an interesting point about hope that I've been mulling over the last couple days. He explains that hope disguises a hidden fear of lack within people and that if we examine hope we'll discover that it creates attachment about what you want to receive from other people...in other words a person hopes that someone will fill up their own sense of lack. In considering this perspective on hope, I've come to agree with the author. I recognize this in my feelings of hope. I want something or someone to fill up my sense of lack...which is really an unfair attachment to put on someone else. It also is a continuation of the lack because no one else can fill up the sense of lack you feel in your life (as I've discovered the hard way numerous times). This isn't to say hope can't be a good feeling to experience, because sometimes it can be, such as when you feel about a new job or hope about some endeavor you are doing. It becomes a negative feeling when you don't recognize the sense of lack that underlies it or how the hope is a form of attachment holding you back from being in touch with yourself.

11-20-15 I'm a brim with inspiration for my businesses! I feel excited about them! I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I do now. It's a marvelous feeling. This month off from my regular routines...I needed it. You can't get unstuck until you are willing to step away from what you are stuck in.

11-23-15 Something I've been meditating on the last few days is how you hold space with the feeling of shame you have around people you've harmed. It's not easy because what you're facing is your capacity to hurt people and recognizing that in fact you can and have hurt people. I think most people would like to believe they don't have it in them to hurt someone else, other than inadvertently, but if we're really being honest, I think if anything most people have the capacity and at some time or another do so deliberately, for whatever reason. Certainly I have done that and it's no easy thing to sit with, to realize what an utter bastard I can be, and yet also recognize how much of that is informed by my own insecurities and weaknesses and fears. And holding that while actually also holding space with someone you've hurt...even harder and yet oh so necessary if you are ever going to make things right (if they can be made right). I think working with shame is really opening some doors for me in regards to my sabotages and failures.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 12: Control

9-27-15 I had some important realizations this weekend that have helped me to put some behavior into the right context. Sometimes you need to have a conversation that provides a different frame of reference, because that reference provides the necessary context for you to make informed choices and decisions. Or it helps you understand a point of view that doesn't come to you naturally. I'm also practicing a lot of stillness in all of this realization, holding space with my feelings, without getting attached to them. Projections become regrets, which hold you back from really being present with the moment you are in. Stilling the self allows for the acknowledgement, but also the letting go of those projections and attachments, so they don't become regrets.

9-28-15 I've observed before that I have a tendency to realize an issue and react to it. I sat with that further today in meditation and I recognized how I haven't honored myself or the people important to me because I've been too quick to act. While recognizing an issue and doing nothing about isn't healthy, nor is quickly reacting to it. So I'm really just sitting with what I'm feeling and taking my time with it. I don't need to have a quick solution. I need to have a response that is considered and fully allows me to make a change that actually is helpful because it considers everyone involved. I don't think I've ever given myself time to heal and consider what has happened in the relationships I've been in. I've jumped from relationship to relationship and repeated at least some of the mistakes, because I didn't give myself time to heal and learn from my experiences. This time with stillness has helped me to finally recognize this about myself and I'm just sitting with it because I've never done that before.

10-3-15 In Awakening the Luminous Mind, the author talks about stillness as being able to be present with emptiness. As I read about stillness as a refuge for the body, and how it allows the person to experience the state of emptiness as a changelessness, it helped me appreciate stillness in a different way. I felt like something unfolded in me and I was able to go deeper into the stillness than I had before. I was able to experience it as a refuge. This deeper experience made me realize that I need to spend more time with stillness and my inner contacts seem to agree. It's one of those experiences where the consistent work piles up to produce a realization that in turn takes you even deeper into the work.

10-4-15 Woke up this morning reflecting on control in my life and what a weird relationship I have with it. When I was growing up, my parents raised in a simultaneously strict and free environment. I could go off and do whatever I wanted, with little to no oversight, and yet they could also be very strict with me. For example they didn't care if I wandered around the neighborhood, but if I wanted to play video games, I was strongly encouraged not to and frequently grounded so I couldn't (and yet I could wander around). What this really told me is that as long as I wasn't in their space, they didn't care what I did or din't do. To some degree this pattern has replicated itself in my romantic relationships, where I've been with partners who've tried to control me in some ways and in other ways haven't cared what I did, as long as I wasn't in their space. What I've always resented is the feeling of someone trying to control me in one particular way or another and as a result I'll fight back and sabotage the relationship, much like I did with my parents. I would find ways to undermine their control over me, but I never directly communicated with them about my issues with their parenting because I was a child and also because I'd have gotten punished as opposed to communicated with. The problem is that the pattern carried into adulthood and into my relationships so that instead of communicating openly with my partners, I would end up sabotaging them in some form or manner. I think if I had communicated better, I'd have likely either had healthier relationships or gotten out of them a lot earlier than I did. That said at least I can recognize the pattern and do something about it now.

10-9-15 You have control of your behavior. You may feel like you don't...you may feel you are at the mercy of some of your behavior, but if you do the internal work and dig down far enough you'll recognize that you do have control and that you do have reasons for doing whatever you are doing. Perhaps you aren't consciously in touch, but that can be remedied. The real question is what do you do when you figure out why you are doing certain behaviors? At that point you definitely have control and its up to you to make choices you can live with, as well as accept consequences for.

Another thought related to the above. Internal conflict is both a distraction and a recognition of some sorts. It's a distraction because its something you are focused on, trying to resolve, but its also a recognition that if you get your act together, you'll be dynamic.

On yet another note...I will likely never be one of the cool kids of the occult. I have over the years watched with fascination who is "in" and who isn't and I am definitely not in, by any stretch. I've always been on the outskirts, and I've learned I just have to make my own space, my own community, and if I do that eventually people find their way to me. Feels that way with pop culture magic. Eleven years ago it wasn't cool. Now I see more people writing about it, doing it, etc., and I imagine it'll continue to become more accepted as more people about it and try it. The cool kids don't innovate. The innovators are the people on the outskirts doing something other people won't do because it's not "in." You stick with what's in and there won't be much change or evolution of a discipline. You have to be willing to go outside what's conventional and take a risk. You won't be a cool kid...you'll get a lot of flak or just people not getting what you do until suddenly they do get it, but you've already moved on, because the outskirts have moved as well.

10-14-15 When I observe other people who have some degree of fame or presence, what I also inevitably observe is the silent partner, the person who supports the celebrity of the family. I've also noticed that if you put two people together who have some degree of fame, inevitably there is a clash of some sort because there is a competition then. It's an interesting phenomenon to observe, and at the same time I also notice that if each person is a celebrity, but in a different sphere than the other then it can work out quite well because you can take turns supporting each other.

10-15-15 When you are feeling frustration around an issue, it can be useful to spend some time with it, instead of just venting it. It's not easy to feel and work through, but what it can reveal are deeper issues being covered up or glossed over when you vent about the surface level symptom. In my case, I'm feeling some frustration around finances and recognizing that some of it actually has to do with how I handle money and also recognizing certain patterns of behavior that have occurred across relationships, which indicates that at least part of the issue is me and my relationship with money. So I'm going to spend some more time with this feeling and really dig into it. I know in doing so, I'm doing the right thing, because I'm choosing to really get clear on what the problem is.

10-17-15 Today as I walked, I thought about how I'm responsible for the choices in my life. I can blame other people for choices I've made, but if I'm honest with myself, they aren't responsible...I am. I'm responsible because I chose to be in that relationship instead of making the choice to leave. Or I'm responsible for the lack of communication on my part. And I'm responsible for not making a choice because of whatever other circumstances are at work in my life that persuade me not to. Of course I'm also responsible for the good choices I've made, and I need to remember that just as much as taking responsibility for the mistakes.

I also thought about dying alone after reading an article on the Death of George Bell. It made me realize how important social connections are and why I'm glad I have people in my life and why I want to keep those people in my life.

10-20-15 Today is the last day I'm 38. I was thinking the other day that I'm reaching the point in my life where sometime in the next two decades I will hit my probable halfway mark of life. I won't know when it is, and yet it will come and after that I will have less time ahead of me. If that seems a bit morbid, it is, and yet at the same it is also freeing. This life will eventually end and I or something of me anyway will transition on to somewhere else.

I've recently started reading Quabalistic Concepts by William G. Gray. As I was reading it, a thought came to mind: The Infinity of Nothing Reveals the Possibility of Everything." It's really appropriate for me to be reading this book because Gray talks about becoming nothing, about stilling yourself and as a result really coming face to face with your inner identity. The state of nothing he discusses is similar to the state of stillness I experience in doing Zhine. There is a fundamental recognition that before you can do something, you need to go back to the beginning, become nothing in order to discover something.

10-21-15 I'm 39. My thirties have been tumultuous at times, but also more stable than other times of my life. I think this last year of being in my thirties will be a great one. I'm finally getting a handle on some issues I've worked with before. I see these cycles in my life where I work on them and get to a place and then pause and then continue and work further, each time making progress. I'm glad I'm sticking with stillness for another year. I feel that I'm just starting to get to a deeper place with it that warrants further in depth work. When you do this work...really do it, it will take you some deep places and you've got it the time it deserves, so you can learn and grow. Happy birthday to me!

The Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 11: A pause

8-23-15 As I've continued reading about Scarcity and reflected on what I've read, I've come to a fundamental recognition: Scarcity is simultaneously a motivator to action and also what keeps people in a place of discord within themselves as well as with others. Its an experience that is embedded in us physiologically and psychologically. I see it in the various interactions I and others have, in how businesses are run and how relationships are approached. It is a good recognition for me, because it demonstrates how much scarcity is so much more than just a person's choices. Certainly behavior is part of scarcity, but when the environment is set up to encourage scarcity, it makes it much harder to change those behaviors, much harder to find your center in your stillness as well. Nonetheless, I also see ways to approach scarcity that can work, if the person is willing to recognize the environmental aspects and plan for them. And I think part of that is actually found in stillness, in the ability to give yourself moments where you just are, instead of always doing. I have been an always doing kind of person...this last year of stillness work has taught me, more than ever, the value of just being, and how that can enhance your live significantly.

8-30-15 Part of stillness work involves learning how to be still not just with yourself but around other people. It can be hard to be still around people, because it requires you to put aside your attachments to what those people are doing or saying and just be still with what's happening. Yet it can also be a useful exercise for learning how to be present with someone and can show that person that you genuinely want to be present. Lately I've been stilling myself around other people and paying very close attention to those moments when thoughts do surface and I move away from stillness. It's helping me recognize what disturbs my stillness so that I can work with that more closely.

9-4-15 The other day I did a writing exercise from Ensouling Language and one of the questions the author asked is what do you hate. I put myself in that section and in reflecting on that answer I came to realize how much I do hate myself in some ways. It's ingrained from my childhood, when I was told I was a disappointment, told really that I wasn't good enough and never would be. Consequently there's always been part of me that's believed that I'm not worthy of anyone in my life and that I'm useless. Pretty sad and harsh and doing that exercise really helped me get in touch with that part of myself. I expressed it this morning to Kat, really just let her in and recognized in the process how much that part of me has hurt myself, has sabotaged me at different times of my life. I feel, after the fact, a bit drained, but also ready to do more work. Being still has helped me get much deeper into these issues that have dictated my life.

9-9-15 It came to me today, in meditation that stillness will only be until October and then I'll move into the next element. I thought initially it might be two years, because of movement being 2 years, but today it was made clear that stillness is one year and that I need to prep for the next element. I feel good about it. I've learned a lot from stillness, but at a certain point, with any element, its time to transition and it feels that way with stillness.

9-10-15 In my meditation I got further confirmation. I went deep and Zadok appeared and explained that knowing stillness was good, but knowing how to balance stillness with movement, to balance everything is just as important. It points the way to the next element.

9-14-15 In Dealing with People you can't Stand, I learned of a technique called the Pygmalion Power. It intrigues me and I'm going to apply it to myself and see how it helps with behavior modification. Basically they way it works is that you set up an expectation verbally. so for example if you want to encourage positive behavior you tell the person they are special or wonderful...or if you want to change, you might say, "That's not like you, you are X." Quite fascinating (and a bit manipulative), but I can see how it can be applied to create specific changes in behavior in one's self or in other people, especially if you use it to interrupt a person's behavior, causing them to reset.

9-17-15 I've just started to set up a patreon account. I've known about it for a little while, but I was on the fence about it. In thinking about it though I realized it's actually a good idea and seeing a few other people I know who have such accounts and seem to be making it work. I sometimes feel that when it comes magic, I'm ahead of the curve, working on projects and creating new techniques, but when it comes to business, I see other people who seem to do it effortlessly. I'm sure they'd say otherwise, but the perception is there. Still I figure I'm learning how to be better at business with experience and mistake I make.

9-22-15 You can't always control a situation, but you can plan your response to it. A planned response is always better than a reaction. It allows you to put the situation into a context that is favorable to you, and either puts the other person into neutral or puts them into a negative light. Be still, consider how you want to respond and then make the response that provides you a way to come out of the situation favorably.

9-23-15 I've been reading Exorcising the Tree of Evil by William Gray and he talks about lust and how its insatiable. You can't ever satisfy it. It reminded me a lot of emptiness. then later I did my meditation and Gray and Zadok showed up and talked about lust and how stillness could be used in regards to lust. It gave me a lot to consider and really helped me examine my relationship with emptiness, because I could see parallels to lust in what they discussed.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 10: Tension

7-27-15 Today I was meditating on tension I was feeling and it became very clear how the focus on tension really distracted me from being still or being present with my whole being. I could feel that tension take up everything, occupying my mind entirely and yet I knew it wasn't the whole of my existence. Sitting with that awareness helped me step back from the tension and realize that my identity didn't have to be defined by it and that I was allowing it to define my sense of awareness and being moreso than it actually might be.

7-30-15 I had a realization today about how I handle closeness with people. I only let people in so far before I start to push them away. It's a fear of abandonment. I'll abandon a person before they abandon me. Looking back on my history of relationships, familial, romantic, and otherwise, I see where I felt I was abandoned and consequently how this pattern developed out of that as a response to possible rejection. Nonetheless it hasn't helped my relationships with people in the past. I do feel I've changed it somewhat and I know that because I've let some people into my life enough for them to at least be some what close to me.

8-1-15 A long. hard conversation with Kat this morning really helped me appreciate on a deeper level how my issues have hurt the people in my life as well as appreciate how stillness is helping me go deep into those issues and see them from new perspectives. I can be an asshole sometimes to the people in my life and I really own that in a way I haven't before. Thankfully I am with someone who is willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and stick it out with me, even when I have made some hurtful choices. And I see how in making those choices I have sabotaged myself with her and with other people...but I also know I can take control or I can be defined by my issues. I'd rather take control and become a stronger, better person for it.

8-9-15 The qualities you want to embody are already within you. That's what Dzogchen offers in regards to working with a quality you want to cultivate. You aren't cultivating, so much as finding it, because its already within you. In my work with stillness, I've been realizing that in going deep within myself I can find my inner resources to draw on. They are already there. I don't have to look elsewhere. I think that in finding and working with the concepts and practices of Dzogchen, I've found a path of internal work that has allowed me to go further than I ever have in resolving my issues. And in stillness I'm finding clarity about who I am and who I want to be.

8-13-15 When I feel scarcity I feel tension and so I've been paying attention to that tension, acknowledging and then letting it merge into the wholeness of my being. This seems to be helpful because it causes me to recognize that the tension is just a moment, as opposed to all of me and that the moment will pass. It's not my identity. In Awakening the Luminous Mind, the author discusses how the tension is the pain mind and that pain mind is a distraction from being present...however to deal with the pain mind, you have to accept the pain, and care for it. You need to not judge it. I've always been judgmental of myself, but I'm finding that just being with the pain is helpful for coming to a different place with it, one where it doesn't occupy my thoughts, but instead is just part of me without encompassing me.

8-19-15 Sometimes I feel envious of some of my fellow authors. They understand the business of selling themselves and their products and services better than I do. I have written more books than most of them, but they've leveraged themselves as a business better than I have. Erik, my astrologer, told me that one of the reasons I'm here is to learn about business, and I am. It's a struggle sometimes. I see what other people do and it seems to come to them much easier. Some of it, I think, is that their writing is focused toward a wider audience that wants the traditional magical material. My writing is focused on edgier topics, with more of a niche audience. I see that with the response and lack of response that occurs around the topics I post about. When your writing is on the edge you get challenged more, either out of skeptical disbelief or envy on the part of other part for not thinking of it first. Still all I can do is keep learning the lesson I am learning about business and being a successful author. I've stumbled a lot on this journey, but I keep picking myself back up, determined to succeed.

8-20-15 One of the ways I'm learning how to work with tension is recognizing the importance of not acting on it right away. Yes I feel it and I hold space with it, but before I do anything else I just let myself feel and wait before I make a choice. I give myself time to fully get to the heart of it and then make an informed decision. To often, in my past, I've just reacted to tension and more often than not I haven't really liked the consequences. I let the tension define me, instead of defining it...now I'm defining it.

The Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 9: Scarcity

6-26-15 I've been continuing to read the book on scarcity and examine my own life in relationship to it. Something which struck me about it is how one aspect of scarcity is trying to do much at the same time. I've always been a workaholic, always working on multiple projects and I realize as I read this book that it has sometimes diminished the quality of my happiness because I've had too much going on and consequently haven't felt like I could focus. I've lately been divesting myself of some of what's kept me busy and the resultant feeling of time has been really nice. I've been able to focus more on the projects I rally want to work on instead of feeling like I'm giving my time away to someone else.

7-1-15 I had a realization recently because of the actions of another person. He was trying to get me to react to him by tagging me in a rant he was making and I realized that his rant was coming from a place of scarcity and it was a reaction to his various issues (and there are many). And I realized that he was trying to get a reaction from me, trying to put me into a place of scarcity because of his own scarcity. Scarcity begats scarcity...Reaction begats reaction, unless...you recognize it, recognize the blinders, the tunneling and step back and make a different choice, an objective choice. In this case, I realized this person wanted me to react, wanted drama because he's always needing attention from other people. So I stepped back and really looked at the situation and decided not to play in his sandbox of drama. I stilled myself and allowed the stillness to give me clarity so that whatever movement I make is one of proactive choice instead of reactive scarcity.

7-3-15 I've been feeling introverted the last couple of days. Part of it is the summer heat, which just makes not want to go anywhere and part of it is that Kat's away on a trip and so I'm not feeling social and just soaking up the alone time. Part of me wonders if I should try and go out, but sometimes what I enjoy the most is the chance to just be still and right now I have the opportunity to do that and let it pervade my being.

7-4-15 I feel lonely today. Undoubtedly part of it is the holiday and the fact that my sweetie is abroad right now, but it feels uncomfortable. So I'm sitting with it, holding space with that feeling and not acting on it reactively. Being still like this isn't comfortable, but it is revealing and I take the insights as valuable gifts I can draw on in my ongoing work.

7-8-15 Being minimalized by another person is an experience that is deadening. So often what I observe is that a person wants to be listened to, but doesn't want to listen and this is where communication breaks down. A moment of stillness can make a difference for the clarity it brings. Stop and ask yourself am I listening as ell as talking? And am I considering as well as asking to be considered?

7-14-15 In Awakening the Luminous Mind, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, uses the metaphor of the sky and clouds to describe how to hold space with your tensions. He urges the reader to become the sky, which isn't concerned if there are or aren't clouds, but simply is. In meditating on what he wrote, I came to a recognition that sometimes I've focused so much on 'letting go' of tensions and internal blockages that I haven't been fully present with them and consequently have become more attached because I haven't simply felt them. In fact to truly let go of something is to intimately feel it and be present with it, without becoming attached to it. You become the sky and you know there are clouds but they don't define you. Sometimes I really struggle with being present with my pain. It's easier to think about it or to fool myself into thinking I've let it go, but when have I been present with it?

7-17-15 In my stillness work, I've been focusing on just being and being aware of internal tensions without doing anything to them. I'm not trying to dissolve them or change them. I'm just holding space with them. It feels disquieting at first, but as I settle into the emptiness it just becomes part of the background. They are part of my space, but just part of it and any significance they have is given to them by me and my choice to make them more important. And this doesn't mean some dissolving work shouldn't occur, but I feel that in learning to just be still, it allows me a chance to not do so much as be, which doesn't come naturally to me, but can be helpful.

7-19-15 To feel recognized and vindicated is a wonderful feeling. I felt it today, reading the article on the Wild Hunt on pop culture magic, and seeing my work recognized and seeing a level of positive interaction about that work, which I've seen more and more of in the last couple years. To experience that recognition and know I've earned it...it feels really good...a moment I can enjoy and savor.

7-21-15 Relationships of any type bring with them constraints and limitations. I used to rail against such constraints and limitations, afraid in part of how I felt when I allowed someone to become close to me. And sometimes I still struggle with that aspect of a relationship. Whether its a friend or lover or what have you, being in any relationship does bring with it some type of limitation. It's not a bad thing either, but rather a recognition that choosing to be with someone requires a person to change in some ways. The acceptance of limits isn't inherently bad or good...its what you make of it. I'm learning to accept and work with that in a way I never did before...in part because the stillness work is helping me to really ground myself in what I have in my life, instead of just restlessly moving from one thing to another.

The Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 8: Reaction

5-22-15 I've started reading Scarcity by Sendhil Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir. Just the introduction has me thinking about scarcity in a different way, especially as it shows up in my internal work. My relationship with emptiness is a perfect example of scarcity shaping that interaction, and when I see the needs exposed in that context it just helps examine the root causes in a way that makes even more sense than before. I was doing x because I was feeling scarcity in this way and I didn't recognize it as such but that feeling shaped my actions.

5-26-15 I've been doing some further processing around the scarcity mindset in my life. What I realize is that it has shown up in a number of different ways for me. It's shown up in in my relationship with love and related areas, but also in my relationship with food, and even buying things. I see how such fixation is really a symptom of scarcity, which is useful for identifying it as such...but I know there is more to it than just that.

5-28-15 I've been feeling restless the last few days and I think its related to the work around scarcity that I'm doing. No real surprise that when you take a look at something such as scarcity it stirs up feelings related to it. When I feel a sense of scarcity in my life, I feel like a hungry ghost, like I can never get enough of something. My skull feels tight and there is this deep sense of restlessness within me that leads to that place of emptiness. I've never really identified it in that way before, but doing so gives me something to work with as a way of identifying more fully when I'm feeling a lack of something.

6-1-15 I was reading an acquaintance's status update on Facebook and he was taking about how he'd spent the last year and a half saying goodbye to the places, people, etc, that he knows because he was making a cross country move. Reading his update made me appreciate what a conscious choice he had made and how much planning clearly went into it. I reflected on my own life and I'd have to say that most of my adult decisions have been reactive decisions because something else happened or because I didn't know what else to do. I got a Bachelor's in English and didn't know what else to do so I went and got a Master's and then still not knowing what else to do or what else I could, I pursued a Ph.D, only to leave that degree in part because it wasn't a good fit and because I didn't know what I really wanted to do and because the person I was dating at the time I left had decided to move to Seattle. The worst part of that was that I'd only really met her 6 months before she was going to move. She had made this conscious plan to move somewhere...but me...I just got involved with her after a breakup and just reactively went along with her plans without really considering what I wanted or if she even wanted me to come along (and just because I came along didn't necessarily mean she wanted me along). I didn't want to be alone and so I made a choice to move across the country because I didn't know what else to do. I reacted and let that reaction take me from friends and possibilities to a new place and to an unhealthy relationship, in no small part due to my reactivity. I lurched from decision to decision without any real plan and honestly I'm lucky I've landed on my feet each time. Fortunately I now live in a place I like, with someone I love and a number of communities I'm proud to be a part of...and I've actually figured out how to consciously plan my life and focus on achieving what I want, because I actually know what I want. It just took me a good portion of my adult life to actually figure it out. And I'm still making some choices from reaction, but reading that update made me realize how much reaction has governed my life and how much it no longer does.

6-7-15 I've been considering my reactivity further. I don't think it's really that unusual for most people to live fairly reactive lives. Some never grow out of it and some people do, but it usually takes time. And sometimes you need those reactions.  My reactions have lead me to some interesting journeys and while I'm glad I'm more focused and conscious I don't know that I could've gotten to that without having the reactions I've had. They serve a purpose, actually as many purposes as I allow them to.

6-9-15 Today I meditated on a feeling of discomfort. I didn't think about it or try to categorize it or otherwise label it. I just felt it and was still with it. And by stilling myself with it, it became something I felt less and less. It just dissolved, acknowledged by me being still with it.

6-10-15 The hungry ghost is a being which can never get enough, has a distended belly and small mouth, basically an addict, when you think about it, but that addiction is motivated by scarcity of some sort at the root of what the ghost is trying satisfy. The ghost can never get enough because it isn't dealing with the scarcity or perceived scarcity. It's just focused on mindlessly trying to satisfy itself, with no clarity or conscious recognition of the source of its own misery.

6-11-15 Today I meditated on scarcity and reaction. I think the two go hand in hand. Reactions occur as a response to your environment, internal or external, and are partially derived from a feeling of scarcity, which in turn is fed by the reactions, because you are tunnel visioned into those reactions by your feeling of scarcity and not having enough. It blocks out everything else, and stops you from being in a place of conscious intention. I see this in my own life again and again. I've let my feelings of scarcity dictate my actions, really my reactions, and those same reactions have lead me back to scarcity in a cycle that repeats, each feeding each other and thus sustaining the cycle. Recognizing that cycle is hard. I feel depressed when I see how much my life has been a cycle of reaction and scarcity, but the fact that I can be aware of it, really aware of it, is and of itself some progress. I'm stepping back and seeing this cycle from a different place than I was able to before.

6-14-15 Today I walked along the Johnson Creek trail and meditated on a feeling of tension within me. I ended up exploring that tension as a form of vibration and worked to change the vibration frequency and as I did the tension dissolved. I saw how the tension was part of a cycle that was developed around the frequency the tension was part of and by changing the frequency, I released the tension.

6-16-15 I've been watching a new show called Damages, about a lawyer who is willing to do whatever it takes to win her cases. Makes for a fascinating pop culture entity to work with if it comes down to legal situations, but what I also find insightful about the show is the exploration of people's reactions. It's a show about reactions. Most of the people aren't consciously choosing so much as reacting to what is happening to them and those reactions work against them because the choice is already limited by the fact that its a reaction and someone has created specific limitations that affect what the person can or can't do.

6-19-15 The key to changing what you react to involves becoming still with your reaction. When it can no longer move you to act, it no longer has power over you. Then you can make choices from a place of awareness and that place allows you to knowingly make your choices and fully accept whatever consequences may come your way. It's harder and easier. Harder because you are knowingly making those choices and dealing with the consequences, but easier because you aren't letting life happen to you.

6-22-15 I feel like I'm developing a deeper relationship with stillness as a result of my work with it in context to reaction. Stillness provides a clarity of mind and being that purifies your awareness and allows you to recognize your reactions and how they are stopping you from seeing the bigger picture. In situations where I feel reactions arise, I use stillness to step back and see the blinders that the reactions are causing so that I can make conscious choices which are fully informed by all variables as opposed to what the reaction is focused on. And that in turn teaches me that what stillness can provide is an opportunity to be fully present with your environment, so that any movement that does occur happens on your schedule.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 7: Importance

4-21-15 In a conversation today with a business acquaintance, I had a realization. In some ways I have not been good at making the people in my life important. And what that really means is that I haven't always prioritized the people in my life in the right way. I've let my issues be more important and allowed them to take control of my life, instead of taking control of them. That realization is priceless, but what I do with it will be even more important. And this realization does give me a different outlook on a number of my choices and actions. It helps me see something I didn't see before, but now its time to do something with it.

4-22-15 In reflecting further on how I do or don't make the people in my life importance, I recognized that by stilling myself, and really being present, I'm opening myself to recognizing where I'm not showing up in the relationships of my life. Perfect example occurred last night, where Kat and I were trying to plan a trip and I was avoiding making decisions because I wanted her to decide. what she wanted was a mutual decision, something we agree upon together and that's something I'm not always good at. She was frustrated. This morning as I was driving to an event I realized how not making that decision really indicated to her that I didn't feel the trip was important. I had checked out instead of stepping up. So I began thinking about the trip and I came up with some ideas I shared with her later (better late than never). The result was that she sounded happier...I had made the trip and her important. And while I'm glad I recognized this, it made me realize I need to be more proactive. I need to make sure my priorities are in the right order, both in my life and with my relationships. Still I haven't ever thought about the relationships in my life in this way, so I guess this is a good start.

4-26-15 I've been reading and working through the Talking Tree by William Gray. In the sections on the Devil and Lovers Tarot cards as they relate to the paths on the Tree of Life, he makes some points that really stand out to me in relationship to my current struggles. I see that so much of my problem comes down to the unhealthy relationship I have with sex. The other night, in a conversation with a friend, the observation was made about how the abuse a person suffers with sex at someone else's hands can lead to a situation where one's own relationship with sex is abused. Gray makes some similar observations about how people misappropriate sexuality in an effort to create identity for themselves. Their focus is in the wrong direction, trying to establish their identity through the sexual relationships they have with people, instead of examining why they even need to to try and establish their identities in that way. That is part of my own work.

4-30-15 I'm reading Vocal Magick by Bill Duvendack. In it he discusses how thought forms can be created from behaviors and thoughts a person has that are repeatedly replicated and become an obsession for the person. I've come across this before, but I liked how he explained it and it helped me look at some of the work I'm doing from that angle of recognizing that certain behaviors, as thought forms, will fight to survive. I feel that some of what I've struggled with can be summed up in that way, and this helps me see where I need to do some of the work I'm in the process of doing. I'm going to do a ritual of release and see if that helps with this process.

5-4-15 I've been hitting deeper states of stillness through doing the Tsa Lung exercises in conjunction with Zhine, the sacred healing sounds and my Tumo practice. I feel like I'm fitting all these pieces together and hitting this deeper state, which is also providing me some ways to work energetically, emotionally, etc with the issues that have been coming up...and of course I think doing these exercises is also facilitating bringing up those issues, but I also think its worth it for the clarity its providing me.

5-7-15 When I feel certain patterns of behavior and thought come up, I've been still with them, observing them in a way I had never done before and contrasting them to new patterns of behavior and thought. I find this makes it easier to see what is and isn't working. Then it becomes a matter of making choices around what is important, what really matters, versus what is impulsive. I've also been doing some work around my relationship with writing and my sense of well-being. I told Kat, the other night, some of my frustrations around the writing and she grounded me by pointing out the other commitments I've made...I'm far busier than I ever was and I sometimes forget to appreciate that or consider perhaps the necessity of finding stillness for some of those commitments.

5-14-15 In some ways I think depression is the dark side of stillness...though that could just be an attribution on my part. But with depression, you don't really want to do much. You do what you have to do, but that's exhausting in and of itself. Anything more than that just seems like an uphill battle. You just want to curl in a ball and forget about anything else. I feel like that a lot right now with some of the different issues I'm working through.

5-15-15 To really work through any emotion you need to be with it, really with it...not just thinking about it, but actually feeling it. When you feel the emotion and are present with them fully it can be overwhelming but that gives way to release and from that release comes liberation.

5-19-15 The other day I took the above advice and actually applied it. Kat was telling me how she was feeling and I put myself into no-form and just soaked in the emotions behind the words so that I could empathize with where she was coming from and understand her perspective better. It was hard to do because I felt those emotions very keenly, to the point that I felt a weight on my stomach...yet doing it really helped me understand her. In the past I've often come up with rules of behavior, but not really understood her perspective and doing this I feel was a step in the right direction. Taking on no-form, becoming still allowed me to put aside my own dialogue and defensiveness to just be and become her perspective and experience.

5-21-15 As you continue to be still and work with what rises in you, what you discover is that it allows you to reach deeper states of altered consciousness and a higher level of awareness around possibilities. The less distraction there is, the more focused you get. I feel like the work I'm doing around what is coming up is helping me appreciate stillness in relationship to what moves in my life and at the same time question that movement and how it manifests in my life and if that is really what I want.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 6: Suffering

3-25-15 I'm feeling depressed or maybe derailed is more accurate. I had to take a bunch of images down from my sites..a lot of work which wasn't productive and it really just hit me hard. But it's also the last month and I'm just working through some tough issues. And so on and so forth. You get derailed and it can be hard to get back on track...especially if you wonder sometimes if there's a point to even being on track. Sometimes I wonder if there is because even with everything I do there is this sense of incompleteness. It's been there all my life, likely always will be and I think I kid myself as to whether I can ever really come to any peace with it. I live with it everyday and its what drives me but its also what haunts me. I'm feeling really haunted by it right now.

3-26-15 Having a confidant in one's life is a gift. Being able to tell someone what you feel, what you need, how your hurting...its precious. I've been working on doing that more with Kat. It doesn't come easily to me, because I've had a lifetime of learning not to tell people what I'm feeling and yet I think if I'd been better at communicating earlier in my life I might have been a better partner for people I used to be with. I can't change that, but I am working on changing it with who I'm with now.

On a somewhat related note I'm reading Awakening the Sacred Body and learning the Tsa Lung exercises. In one section, the author talks about gossip and the attachment people have to it. I had a reaction of sorts, because I do believe in informing people of predators and predator behavior, but I also recognize how it could be perceived as gossip. It's a fine balancing act, because you can get caught up in bitching about someone and that's gossip as opposed to informing someone about behavior that has been harmful to other people and could be harmful to more people if its not recognized for what it is. At the same time I know why I'm having that reaction...because its very easy to complain and let that complaint govern the experience of your life...taking up valuable energy and time that could be directed toward more productive pursuits.

3-31-15 In Awakening the Sacred Body, the author writes the following: "There is one tendency of mind that is important to notice, because it can undermine the positive effects of meditation, and that is our habit of moving from problem to problem. Without realizing it, we are addicted to our to do lists or so much more familiar with our problems that we tend to dwell on them, even when we recognize that doing so doesn't solve them." I was struck by that statement because I know it applies to me. I sometimes have treated my meditation as a to do list item, the work I'm doing as something to do and also as something I end up obsessing over. Part of what made last month hard is that I realized I needed to stop thinking so much and start experiencing more of what I was feeling. Reading that passage reinforced for me how essential it is and how you can only experience a certain level of meditation if you are stuck thinking about problems, and letting that thinking occupy your space.

4-6-15 Some tough work this last week, especially as I recognize patterns repeating themselves and producing the same results for me and in how I affect other people. My work with stillness has fittingly enough brought me back to emptiness, with all of its issues, and yet with an awareness of myself I previously lacked when I worked with it and I see so clearly how my relationship with it just leads to pain if I focus on trying to fill myself up, instead of just being with it and being open about it. I find when I am open about my misery, about what I'm feeling when I feel empty, it actually does serve to provide some relief and maybe I just need to accept that there is some part of me that is just deeply miserable and allowing myself to be that way without trying to change it, might be better for me. I've never done that, but its worth trying.

4-8-15 My suffering has defined a lot of who I am and a lot of the way I've related to other people. I've caused other people to suffer because of the pain I'm in and how I've handled that pain. In Awakening the Sacred Body, the author talks about how we hold on to the pain we feel because it is familiar to us. We become attached to it because we know it. To get past that involves learning how to open yourself to being in a place where that pain isn't there. I'm doing the TSA Lung exercises and as I do them and hold space with what I'm feeling I also consider that it could be possible to let go of the suffering I've felt and my attachment to it as a form of identity.

4-9-15 It fascinates me to encounter people who I recognize have similar traits as I do when it comes to how they measure social behavior and then respond. I talked with two such people today and could recognize how they calculated situations and also recognized the same tendency in me. I approach most situations with an a recognition that studying how people act can help me determine how I should respond, dependent on what I hope the situation will result in. I don't mind admitting that because the truth is I was a socially awkward person for a long time and it took me a while to figure out how to connect and relate to people. I did and do that partially by studying behavior and it makes easier to connect on a deeper level.

4-13-15 This weekend I helped put together a lot of furniture with Kat and the kids. It was a bonding experience and I felt a comfortable sense of work as I got into putting everything together. An experience of flow, which in a way can be a form of stillness because it becomes a moment that stretches beyond the usual experience of time. I've also been reflecting on how characters in books can reflect your own journey and be teachers in their own right. Nothing new in that reflection, but a renewed appreciation of lessons that can be learned if you are willing to see yourself in the character's journey.

4-15-15 Part of my suffering occurs with my creativity. I find it harder to write now than I used to. There will be occasions where the writing just flows and on those situations I write until I can't write anymore. Most of the time writing, for me happens in stops and starts and that's hard. It wasn't always that way and obviously despite my issues with my writing I still manage to put out a lot of writing, both in terms of books and blog entries, but I think I've worked harder for this writing in the last 5 years than I used to...then again, writing came a lot easier to me before I ended up in a long term situation that was fairly traumatic for me. And although its been a while since I've been in that situation, I think part of me is still just healing, and that includes the writer in me.

4-16-15 More and more I am seeing how my suffering internally leads to suffering for other people, when I act on that suffering, specifically when I try and find some way not to be present with it, but instead distract myself. Those distractions are really focused on my desires or my needs, as opposed to really being with someone. And when I see the result...a person hurt so deeply because of how I've handled my suffering, I realize that I have traumatized that person with my damage. It's a horrible feeling that deepens the very suffering I'm feeling because I now recognize how it's extended to someone else. I know I'm not the only one who's ever acted this way, but I also know I am the one person I can take responsibility for and that includes taking responsibility for my suffering and damage in a way that doesn't harm other people or myself. Doing that involves shifting from reaction to a place of proactive awareness, where I can recognize what motivates a given action and also acknowledge the potential effects that action could have on me and other people. Then its a matter of making a decision, the right decision, as opposed to continuing to react to my suffering.

4-17-15 One of my problems is I'm impulsive. I see something I want and I go after it without weighing all the factors. This does't always occur and happens less frequently now than it used to, but its still an issue. What I need to do is step back and really examine what the possible results will be. Not easy in the heat of the moment, but I've done it before and I can do it again.

4-20-15 This weekend I finally finished writing chapter of the pop culture magic book...a chapter I started at the end of February. It doesn't escape me my attention that when I get distracted by internal conflict, my writing suffers. Beyond that though, in working with stillness, I've come to see how much it calls up all the issues in my life and forces me to face them. In being present with myself, I am also present with everything going on that I've either buried away or tried to get away from...and I know I can't get away or bury it away. At some point it catches up and gets me...What I do about that though is up to me.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 5: Stagnation

2-27-15 I'm feeling pretty fried from all the travel I've done, plus the jet lag I'm feeling. I'm leaving on yet another trip in a few days and then after that, I'm done for a while. In all of that I've tried to maintain my connection to stillness and sometimes I have and sometimes I haven't. I don't stress myself too much about it, because it just is part of this time of year and also an opportunity to find stillness within movement. The two lead into each other and create each other.

3-2-15 I had a breakthrough realization about my meditation and actually about some issues in my life. I'm analyzing them too much...not engaging them on an experiential level. I know what you're thinking is...isn't that what you are writing about and doing a lot of and yes I am, but I can attest to the fact that some times you have to learn some thing multiple times, in multiple ways in order to get it. You realize it on one level and then go deeper and realize it all over again in a different way.

3-4-15 There are occasions where I feel a sense of destiny, a recognition that something significant will happen. I felt that way today, going into a business meeting and I'm feeling about my trip to the Between the Worlds Conference. The key, when you feel that way, is to still yourself, let the event unfold and know what you want from it, so that when the opportunity occurs you can take the right action to produce the desired result.

3-8-15 It's been quite a weekend at the Between the Worlds conference. I had several experiences that in their respective ways have brought about some deep realizations for me. I had a chance to meet with Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki for about 2o minutes, to discuss her books and the possibility of her publishing her books through Immanion Press. We chatted for a bit about western esotericism and people such as W. G. Gray as well as discussing publishing and I'm hopeful she'll publish books with us...but I also had an experience with her that I've never really had before...or if I have it hasn't stood out in quite the way it did this time. She did a spiritual transmission with me. I felt this wave of energy pass from her to me. The hair on my arms and legs and head stood on end and I could feel this heat pass through my body. It lasted for a quite a while after and I knew it was from her. I also know its one of those things, where it will manifest itself as needed, when its time for it to manifest.

And I felt like it already has manifested a bit, because I came away with another realization this weekend, more on the shadow side of things. Basically I came to recognize on how selfish I can be and how that selfishness has hurt people in my life in the past and in the present. I have a tendency to get really fixated on something I want, to the exclusion of thinking anything or anyone else...and sometimes that can be good, like when working on a creative project, and sometimes it can be bad such as when I place my own desires over anything else in my life. I'm really sitting with that and recognizing how its a pattern that's shown up multiple times in my life. I know I can change it...I also know I need to own it.

3-11-15 The last few days have been rough. I've really had to come face to face with my own selfishness and what motivates that selfishness. My conclusion, at least as it applies to relationships, is that its a defense mechanism in order to not let people get to close. The selfish part of me doesn't want the experience of love, so much as it wants whatever sensations it can have access to in order to distract it from itself. It's always been an issue for me that has played out in my relationships as well. It's a cold, calculating aspect of myself, my survivor really, but it's not helping me when it comes to my important relationships. It's focus is on taking care of itself to the exclusion of taking care of the people in my life and it really sucks.

3-13-15 Feeling something, instead of thinking about it, is hard. It calls for a level of vulnerability that doesn't come easily to me. And so much of what I feel is wrapped around this core part of myself that is trying to escape what its feeling. I know this is a recurring theme for me, but its a theme that nonetheless is profound for me because of how much it motivates my choices. Am I doing something to escape what I'm feeling inside or am I doing it because I genuinely want it? I don't know because the two are so entangled.

3-14-15 A friend of mine sent me a link to an article on what self-loving people do for themselves. As I read through it, I realized what behaviors I was doing and what behaviors I wasn't doing. I'm learning to listen to my emotions. This seems like a long journey for me, but compared to where I was years ago, I'm actually getting better at feeling emotions. I'm pretty good at taking responsibility, but I'll admit I still sometimes slip into blame mode, more often than not with myself and I do feel there is a difference between taking responsibility and blaming yourself. I definitely feed my passions and creativity and I enjoy spending time alone. I'm getting better at weighing long term choices over instant gratification, but I have a ways to go as well. For me, instant gratification has often been a way to just tune out, instead of really being present. Setting boundaries is a skill I've had to work hard at and being aware of the boundaries of others is another skill I've had to work at. Both are skills I'm still working with, and it goes right back to the instant gratification over weighing long term goals. As for admitting mistakes...in some ways that's the easiest skill, though it does venture into self-blaming. Still reading that article does indicate I'm getting better at self-love, slowly, but surely.

3-15-15 Feeling without labeling is a part of stillness work. I found myself trying to label today, to judge really, and I just called myself on it and went back to feeling. I feel that the Spiritual Transmission that Dolores gave me has helped me with some of this work. It's blown up some blockages and allowed me to do some integration work within myself.

3-18-15 The last few days I've had a cold, which has made doing any work much harder than it normally would be. There is just enough fuzziness there that it becomes an exercise to do anything. Feels a lot like stagnation and I realize that's the shadow side of stillness...where everything grinds to a halt. This month has felt a lot like that for me.

3-19-15 To experience an element, you necessarily need to encounter the shadow aspects of it. If you can't do that, then the work involved isn't for you. In some ways I think the shadow work is the most essential part of finding balance with an element. It calls on you to be vulnerable and open to changing yourself, especially aspects that you may not have examined. Ignorance is stripped away and what is left reveals who you are becoming as you do this work.

3-23-15 This month has been the hardest one with the stillness work. I feel I've come face to face with the shadow side of stillness and it is not easy to deal with. Nonetheless I also feel I've gained a lot from working with it...deeper insight into myself and my issues that allows me to see a history in my relationships that I hadn't previously acknowledged. It's hard and necessary work, but its work that keeps me going because ultimately I feel better for doing it. I feel stagnant, but actually i'm really not...I'm just encountering that feeling of stagnant as it shows up in my life.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 4: Strategy

1-23-2015 Sometimes when you play games, its useful not to play to win, but instead play to observe. When you play to observe you do so to better understand how someone else plays. You also play to observes so that you can observe your own responses. What this teaches you is how to be aware of your own responses and ask what's moving me in this situation. You can apply this same idea to any situation in life. If you find yourself in a place of reaction, still yourself and observe your reactions. Observe what other people are doing. Relax and let go of your attachment to the situation. You'll discover strategy in your stillness, by allowing yourself to observe and freeing yourself from the expectations involved in the situation.

1-31-15 As I've been working with stillness this week, I've been stepping back and observing my responses to various situations and seeing how I can be still in those situations instead. I'm finding it instructive to be still in those moments and compare how I might respond otherwise. Would the response really be the right one to make? It's not a second guess kind of thing, so much as its an appreciation for how being still can provide me some perspective about my choices and help me make more informed responses.

2-4-15 I've been feeling anxious the last couple days. I know why. I'm getting ready to do a lot of traveling starting next week...basically three trips in one month's time, and being around a lot of people. I know once it happens I'll be fine. I'm sitting with that anxiety and really watching how it shows up in my behavior and actions. For example, I didn't go to a networking meeting today and the reason is because I don't want to be around other people. I want to just be at home and I know that's a response to the travel, knowing I won't be at home. It surprises me how strong this feeling is and how much it motivates me to not do things in my regular routine, even though those things are important. I really need to be still with this feeling and work with it so that I can acknowledge it, but not let it stop me from doing what I need to do for my businesses.

2-6-15 Stillness, when embraced, leads to openness of presence. Openness of presence leads to awareness of possibility, and to the discovery that it was really there all along. You just didn't realize it because you were caught up in the cacophony of your life and forgot how to let yourself relax, let go, and discover everything within you that had been drowned out by whatever grabbed your attention. Bring yourself back to center. Still yourself, and be present with whatever comes up. Sit with whatever you feel, think, etc., with no judgement. It just is and you just are, but if you can accept it, it changes and so do you. What will you change into? No one knows the answer until the answer happens to you.

2-11-15 Sometimes the hardest part of working with stillness is what comes up when you are trying to be still. Your inner demons can rear their heads and come out in force. Of course, you can switch to a different meditation to work through those demons, such as using water breathing to dissolve the demons, but it can also be instructive to just be still with your inner demons and attentive to what you are getting from them. there is always an underlying message waiting to be found and learning to be still with yourself, when you actually don't want to be still can be a useful experience as well. I've been sitting with some of my demons this week and while its hard going, it's also rewarding in terms of the insights I'm getting from being as still as I can be with them.

2-13-15 In Awakening the Sacred Body, the author explains that when you are still and open to presence you can feel emotions come up such as anger. The reason this occurs is because we aren't distancing ourselves from the emotions, but instead are opening to them through the stillness. The key at that point is to just experience the emotion, without trying to analyze it or think about it or contextualize it. Then you just breathe it out, and release it. I struggle with this some because I'm so used to holding on to anger and I see how even analyzing it and thinking about it is still holding onto it.

A related challenge, which I've written about before is that sometimes I find myself trying to force the stillness...I did that today and I just stopped because I knew I couldn't force it. Then later my inner contact told me that I couldn't force a connection...I had to open to it. So I just accepted that and let myself acknowledge that my forcing it is really born out of desire and is not allowing me to authentically connect. I'm conceptualizing but not opening up to the stillness.

2-16-15 The last few days have been interesting experiences. Pantheacon is always a crucible of sorts. This year, moreso than any other year, I felt accepted and managed to connect with lots of wonderful people, some new acquaintances and some dear friends I always enjoy seeing. Each day I did my stillness work and instead of focusing on anything I just allowed myself to be still when the moments were perfect. This morning in teaching the elemental balancing ritual, I also felt myself connect with the next element I may work with. It gives me a lot to consider, but as always I know this work will be rewarding.

2-17-15 Last night Kat and I had a hard conversation about some communication problems I bring to our relationship. I've always had a tendency to go off and make my own plans without consulting my significant other. This has occurred because I've typically identified my S. O. as an authority figure in my life and therefore someone to work around instead of work with. I know where that originates from, but I also see how it has hurt my relationships in the past and present. I need to bring my partner in with me when I make plans, instead of making plans and then informing her after the fact. I know she'll back me up and help me and I need to trust that instead of creating a power dynamic that really isn't there.

2-18-15 As I can reading the Nature of Personal Reality by Jane Roberts, I am struck simultaneously by how there is at times a fair amount of law of attraction language, which I typically don't agree with and a lot of content focused on working with the consciousness or working through emotions, which shows me how this work has inspired my magical practice despite how long its been since I read it. A lot of what's written does apply to my stillness work as well, especially as it relates to opening to being.

2-19-15 I was reading more of The Nature of Personal Reality by Jane Roberts and there was something very insightful offered about aging that really made me pay attention. Seth, the spirit Roberts channeled, noted that people who are desperate to stay young, do so in order to negate their beliefs feelings about aging, and consequently reject part of themselves. This really resonated with me. I've noticed, this year, more so than the past my own aging and it has made me feel uneasy. I don't like that I have a slower metabolism, that some of my joints ache and need some warming up and that my forehead has less hair than it used to. I see these signs of aging and part of me wants to resist it. Reading what Seth shared helped me recognize this and I'm just sitting with it. I am aging and it is part of the process of living life.

2-22-15 the wrap up of a convention is always an interesting process. The people leave and the convention reaches a place of stillness, but its only temporary. It will all start up again at some point. Not everyone will be there for the next iteration. New people will come, others will go...but the spirit of it lasts.

On a different note, I've been thinking about my own lessons to learn and realizing that sometimes I put myself through a lot because I don't always learn what I need to learn right away. Hard lessons...but once I learn them, my life gets better.

The Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 3: Disinterest

12-23-14 I feel numb right now. I don't think numbness is the same as stillness, because underneath that numbness is a lot of thoughts and emotions stirring. The numbness is just a mask, a protective layer, while I figure out how to process what I'm thinking and feeling. To hear about similar experiences from the only other person in the circumstances I was in is both saddening and validating. I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm not alone in having the experiences I had...and yet its not really a surprise. I knew I wasn't alone. But hearing it is still something different. I'll figure out what to make of all of it later.

12-24-14 Today as I was doing my stillness meditation, a thought came into my head about an ongoing situation in my life and I was able to follow that thought to several possibilities I hadn't considered before. So I let those possibilities present themselves to me and will see about implementing one., but I mention this here in relationship to stillness because one of the ways I've used stillness is to step away from everything going on in my life so that I can actually observe the possibilities available, instead of letting myself be so into a situation that I can't see the possibilities. I think working with stillness in this way will be something I continue to do to work with as a form of problem solving. I see how putting myself into stillness can be quite useful for opening the possibilities up and although I'd already been aware of that to some degree, today's working further illustrated it.

12-28-14 You can't make stillness happen. When you try to make stillness happen, it's not stillness that occurs. Stillness is something you let happen to you. You make yourself receptive to stillness. The difference is distinct in the sense that imposed stillness is not true stillness, so much as an attempt to be still, whereas genuine stillness is a state of being, an experience of consciousness that occurs to you, changing you because you are open to experiencing change.

1-7-2015 Lately I've been working with the Dehara system of magic, which is based off the Wraeththu series. In my daily meditations I've had vivid experiences of being a Hara in that universe. I feel like I'm tapping into an alternate version of myself. I feel like the stillness work has helped me to be more receptive to such experiences because I'm stilling myself and opening up to what comes my way (within reason).

1-8-2015 Today was the opposite of yesterday. I floundered at being still. It was like trying to grasp a piece of wood in a stormy ocean, with waves about to swallow you whole. So at some point I just gave up trying to be still and let myself go wherever I wanted to go. After that I became still and it was effortless because nothing was being constrained anymore. I was just letting it be.

Tonight I had a reaction. I happened to see an event coming up this weekend and I reacted to it. Part of me began thinking I should try and run my own event and after I entertained this thought for a bit, I stilled myself and asked what really motivated me and I realized it was jealousy and a sense of feeling threatened by the people running the event.  So I was creating this scenario of competition and setting myself up to lose because the motivation wasn't for anything useful and I just stopped. I don't want to go down that route. It's a route I've traveled far too often in my life and any benefit has always been short. My genuine success has come from being true to myself and my vision of what I want to accomplish. Staying on course with that is more important than letting jealousy get the better of me.

1-10-2015 Today I relaxed into the stillness work. I started Zhine, found what I'd focus on and relaxed into it and there I was...still. When I hit such states, I find that the stillness gradually deepens and eventually you no longer focus on anything. You become part of the background. Nothing and everything all there, all at once...just being.

In my Dehara work I was taken on a journey by Dahuun to Malkuth, where Aruhani is and explored Aruhani in the context of Earth and Malkuth, combining planetary and Quabalistic associations. It was a fascinating journey that helped me appreciate certain aspects of Dehara better as well as reimprinting some principles of magic through the work.

1-14-15 I'm very careful about the people I have in my life. Today I defriended someone because I noticed a lot of negativity on his page and didn't really want to read about it further. His response was over the top, but seemingly typical. It just confirmed why I don't want that drama in my life. Part of the cultivation of stillness, for myself, is cultivating the right relationships and letting the rest go. I see no need to tolerate someone just because of how they might react...that's a toxic relationship right there.

On the Dehara front, I've progressed up to Netzach with the pathworking, visiting and remediating the experience of the Sephiroth with the Dehara I've associated with them. I've found this useful for further imprinting the Sephiroth and Dehara on my consciousness and subconsciousness. I may try this with other systems of magic to see how it changes my understanding of those systems.

1-17-2015 Today in my stillness work, Zadok told me how important it is to be aware of my stillness and ask myself why I want to be moved toward a possibility. Am I moving myself there based on reaction or am I moving to that possibility for other reasons? Do I even want to move from stillness? Good questions prompted by the entertaining of a possibility while in stillness meditation and recognizing that my desire to realize that possibility was primarily because of a reaction and that such a realization wasn't necessarily the best use of my resources or time. Actually, what I recognize from this meditation today is just how easy it is to get caught up in possibility, for I do it a lot and even if I do nothing else that still can be a distraction or a benefit (or both) depending upon how I direct it.

On the Dehara front I've worked my way up to Geburah, associating Pellaz and Calanthe with Tiphareth and Geburah respectively. I'm not sure if anyone else would make those associations, but they make sense to me. I guess the real test will come when other people give this work a try on their end. It occurs to me as well that when you are working on creating or developing a pop culture magic system, you play a role in the perception and work of other people that come after. You've set the stage for them and that brings with it some type of responsibility.

1-19-15 Stillness can be chaotic. Stillness isn't about perfect harmony...it's about being present with whatever is in your life in that moment. So if there is some chaos, that's ok. The key isn't to try and change it into stillness. The key is to be with it and be still, allowing yourself to feel the chaos without necessarily becoming the chaos.

One of the books I've been reading, The Nature of Personal Reality by Seth shares some intriguing ideas about the communication in the body and in the thoughts of a person. A lot of it echoes some of my own writings and I see once again how this book has influenced my spiritual development. There are some work that won't really make an impact and others that will, but you own't realize it until years later when you look over the material again. And some just hit you over the head. I guess that's a lot like people as well. In any case, in reading over the material I'm struck by how relevant some of it is, especially to the inner alchemical work I'm doing.

1-21-15 In the last week or so I've had two different people try to draw me into their drama, in one form or another. It hasn't worked very well for them, mainly because they're a lot more invested in being right than I am in them being wrong. At a certain point in a debate, when the conversation goes around and around with no change in either stance, its wise to simply say, "Let's agree to disagree" and leave it at that. Unfortunately many people get so invested in proving their point of view, proving they are right and the other person is wrong that they try to have the last word or do their best to disprove the other person. I could care less. I know going into such situations that I likely won't prove my point of view to the other person's satisfaction because they are looking for a specific result (that they are right) and so its not worth my time to try and argue otherwise. So I take the stance of disinterest because I'm not interested in being their punching bag or agreeing with them. I know that my stance is based on my experiences and while I'm happy to entertain the possibility that they could be right, I don't necessarily feel I need to agree or validate them. I also feel that there are many ways to explain something and my explanation can be just as valid as anyone else's. That said I don't expect anyone else will agree and that's ok. They can disagree...just don't expect me to go out of my way to waste time arguing about it. I have better, more productive usage of my time in mind then arguing over who is right and who is wrong.

I see my stance of disinterest as a form of stillness, informed as it is by my desire to not engage in pointless arguments. When a conversation has a point and there is give and take, then its a worthy investment of time, but when its all about proving someone wrong or one's self right, then it becomes an exercise in futility and allowing yourself to be moved by that kind of argument takes away from your quality of life.

The Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 2: Centering

11-29-2014 One of the things that Stillness does for you is help you be aware of what isn't still with you. In my case, working with stillness has made me more aware of how I repress my emotions as well as what that leads to. My response has been to express my feelings more than I have. Instead of repressing my frustration, I'm expressing it. I never been good at doing this, because I learned early on that expressing my emotions wasn't welcomed, but I don't want to live by that standard if I can help it.

Doing the stillness work each day has been fascinating, in part, because some of the other ongoing work I'm doing has slowed down. I don't have a problem with this because it feels right, part of really getting in deep with stillness. To know an element is to let it express itself through you, and that means allowing some changes to really get the element.

12-1-14 Today when I was doing my stillness work, I felt like what I really needed to do was be still with everything going on in my mind. My thoughts weren't still and instead of trying to still them I just let them go where they went and allowed myself to notice them without doing anything. Feeling so scattered can be frustrating, but it can also be liberating to just be with it instead of trying to do something about it. I've found through my meditation experiences that learning to let go and be with the experience is what really makes meditation effective. Anything else actually keeps you away from stillness...so in those moments when the thoughts go everywhere, let go and let your thoughts go everywhere. Observe them without doing anything and you will become the observer instead of the thinker.

12-4-14 The other day I told Kat that doing this stillness work isn't about a result, but about the process and so when I don't have any experiences while meditating, I don't take it as anything other than being still and in the process. I think it's important to note this because sometimes the focus is so much on achieving specific outcomes that the journey/process is forgotten about, but doing the work really involves a need to be present with what is happening even when nothing seems to be happening. Oftentimes what is happening is very subtle and yet it builds up until its ready to reveal itself...you just have to be diligent and do the work.

12-8-14 Today I had an experience with stillness, where I connected with how movement interacts with stillness. It felt like Stillness pulls movement toward it, like a black hole creating a gravity well that pulls everything into it. It was a strong pull that stilled the movement, but nonetheless also seemed to feed it, for what became still nonetheless also seemed to eventually move again, becoming displaced by what else was pulled to it.

12-9-14 Further work with stillness and movement, understanding that neither is stronger then the other, but rather that they serve complementary purposes, with movement going into stillness, but eventually becoming movement again, with stillness being the pause and timing to make sure things are done right. They fit together instead of being opposing forces.

12-11-14 Today I couldn't find stillness. Zadok told me that sometimes we have to work for it...it won't just come to us. Just because I am still doesn't mean I'm tied into stillness. It felt that way today.

12-12-14 Today Zadok explained that stillness was the centering of a person's being so that s/he could connect with possibilities both around and within. My experience of this was a connection with alternate versions of myself and simultaneously connecting with the possibility those other selves were part of. He explained that a person could experience variants of his/her life using stillness as a way to commune with the alternate self...so that you consequently live that life while still connected to the version you are. I've had experiences like that before, but what this meditation did was help me tune into those experiences much more consciously.

12-14-14 Lately I've been recognizing how part of me has been conditioned toward conflict. My relationship with Kat is very stable and yet some part of me finds that disquieting and waits for conflict to occur to feel safe. I told her about this realization this morning and she said that it makes sense in its own way. We've both lived in environments where there was lots of conflict and even if that conflict was unhealthy it was also familiar. I feel that consciously recognizing this is helpful to me because then I can work on it and be aware of it so that I don't sabotage my relationship with Kat. Telling her about it is one way to resolve it, but I've also just been allowing myself to acknowledge the vulnerability I fee in having a much more stable relationship than I'm used to.

I've also been meditating on food and how food has been a drive in my life. I realize that food has been such a drive not just because of survival, but also because it was one of the few ways I received approval in my childhood years. I always ate the food on my plate and that made my step-mom happy, so she'd comment on it. In retrospect I realize what made her happy was not having to deal with a fussy kid, but at the time, that was a rare form of approval that I received. Recognizing that is helping me to understand my relationship with food in a different way that I think will help me develop a healthier relationship with it.

12-19-14 The last couple of days has involved going deeper into stillness work, with a sense of being prepared for work in specific directions that were hinted at earlier by Zadok. The work would be with Xah and Teriel...so we'll see what happens.

12-21-14 Today in stillness meditation I felt myself a the center of the web of space and time. I was still. I didn't move until I felt the vibration of movement on the web. I was still, being with space and time, but not doing anything until there was a need to do something. I felt still, calm, connected to the universe, knowing any changes I made would be made from the right place to make them.

12-22-14 Falling in love and loving someone are two different experiences. Falling in love is really selfish in some ways, built as it is on the fantasies that you have about the person, the relationship you might have, the life you might live. It's very easy to get caught up in those fantasies, to let them create an idealized version of the person. Loving someone on the other hand is actually being present with the person. It's not a fantasy...it is the everyday reality of that person and your interactions with that person. Falling in love is glamorized, but loving someone not so much. Still I think loving someone is when you discover what you have with the person. It's no longer fantasy. It's reality based on the experience you are in, instead of projections about experiences you think you want to have.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 1: Zadok

10-22-14 Today I did the necessary meditations to start my work with the element of Stillness. First I did the 5 warrior syllable vocalizations I've learned from Tibetan Sound Healing. Fittingly enough I learned the last chant today. What was really interesting was recognizing that this is a stillness practice that nonetheless leads to movement, to manifestation, with the last syllable focusing the desired intention of the practitioner and manifesting it outward. I've discussed this in further depth in a blog post, on this topic.

I also did the Tumo exercise of raising energy, in this case stillness. Stillness is different. There is no movement, no anything. It just is, so you raise that energy and it doesn't move so much as it just manifests and there you are, in this space of stillness, just being.

And then I did the connection and mediation of stillness with the spiritual guide I'll be working with: Zadok also known as Ronald Heaver. Interestingly enough when I did the connection I could not remember the mundane name of Ronald Heaver (though I was able to visualize his face) but I was easily able to remember his magical name Zadok and when we connected he explained that had been purposeful because he didn't want me to connect with the form of Ronald Heaver, but rather wanted me to connect with the deeper spiritual current of Zadok. He pointed out it was the same with me. Taylor Ellwood is the current form, but the magical current is Teriel and Xah, much deeper and different and I actually felt those currents within me stir and realized that part of this work will involve more consciously connecting with both Xah and Teriel.

In any case, I connected with Zadok and I felt him work with my energy and switch me over to stillness. I felt myself reach this place of stillness, of being that I've already experienced, but this time it was much deeper. He told me this year's work would build on the movement work by going much deeper and that it would have an effect on all the other work I'm manifesting.

10-24-14 I met with my astrologer today to do an updated reading. A lot of what he told me confirms other information I've gotten about what patterns to look for in my life and work on, but its good to have additional confirmation. One thing which really stands out from the reading is his suggestion to work more closely with the feminine within me. While I've always felt in touch with that part of me, I'll admit I don't think I have the healthiest relationship with that part of myself, so I'm going to sit with his advice and think of how I can work with that part of myself in a more conscious way.

10-28-14 I'm in New Orleans for a couple days while Kat goes to a conference here. I've been to New Orleans once before but it was ten years ago and I didn't wander around much. This time I actually have wandered around quite a bit. Both Kat and I noticed the raw, primal energy of this city, as well as the spirits that are here. I also noticed the smell. The energy of the land is strong and it wants to move you. I guess its fitting that my first month into stillness and I deal with movement, but in this case I don't want to move with it, so I've been holding on to my stillness, just abiding and being without changing anything.

10-30-14 Today's meditation with Zadok was interesting. He brought up Xah and Teriel once again and discussed how they were spiritual aspects that could be drawn upon not only for knowledge, but also a form of genius or daimonic inspiration. He also explained that being still isn't about emptying the mind, but with abiding with what ever is there, being present with whatever comes up instead of trying to get rid of it.

11-1-14 In today's work with stillness, I was struck again by how there is no silence. Whether its the mental chatter of the person or the environmental sounds around you, there is always something happening, which doesn't necessarily stop stillness, so much as when you are still you become aware of everything around you.

11-3-14 Sometimes stillness is found in doing something. Instead of trying so hard to be still, do something and allow the doing of it to bring you to stillness.

11-12-14 Sometimes when you write a lot of content, it can feel frustrating when you feel like you don't have something to share. I felt this way last week. And then I felt the stillness within me and I realized I didn't need to write. I didn't to try and make something come out. That perhaps the best thing I could do was be still and allow that stillness to settle the part of me that felt restless. So I did that and didn't write and I felt at peace about it.

11-16-14 The other night I had a dream about an ex. I was trying to bury the hatchet with her and everything I did was turned around and used against me by her. I realized the dream was a warning not to pursue any such attempts with that person, but what struck me the most about it was all this activity I was trying to do, and how what I really needed to do was be still instead of trying so hard to change something that wasn't going to change.

11-19-14 I have a tendency to take all the fault of a situation and put it on me. I learned to do this early on, with my dad and step-mother. I either hid what I did from them or I took on all the fault. Of course it didn't help that they would make it abundantly clear that I was at fault. Being told you are a disappointment has an odd effect of really fucking with your sense of self worth. In relationships I had with romantic partners this same pattern would replicate, through no fault of those partners. However this pattern makes it hard to work through an issue. I take a situation onto myself and pull it into me and stew in how its all my "fault." It's not healthy and while I've made some strides to make changes, it's quite frustrating at times because it is a resilient behavior informed by my fear of being abandoned. Fortunately Kat is quite willing to call me out on this behavior and do it in a loving manner that nonetheless reinforces the necessary boundaries. And that helps...because with something like this I can do the work, but I also need help at times with it. I couldn't have asked for that help in previous relationships because I didn't know how to be comfortable with my vulnerability, but fortunately with her I can do it.

11-22-14 It seems appropriate that I end this month with continuing my work with the Quabala. I've started reading and working through The Talking Tree by William Gray, which is a companion book to The Ladder of Lights. This book explores the paths between the Sephiroth. The first path is the Hierophant and when I did my meditation on it, Bill Gray showed up. I asked him why and he said, because that's what you expected, which I guess makes sense. He walked me through that path, explaining it in terms of how the Angelic orders of Kether and Chockmah connected together, each providing something to the other, which helped manifest the path.

In terms of the ongoing stillness work, I spent some time today being still with everything in my head, recognizing how many impressions of the world around me end up in my head and why its so important to declutter and be so particular with what you choose to feed yourself. I know this, but its worth stating again for myself as well as any other person who cares to read this.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 24: Transition

9-24-14 This is the last month of the movement working and its a bit odd to realize that because I've spent almost 2 years working with this particular element. I feel like I've only dug in a little ways to movement in all this work I've done, but I've not doubt that there will be more realizations and deeper worker to come and I feel that I have reached a place of balance with this work. I also feel that the Plutonian current I've been dealing with, the night of the dark soul, is receding. When you do this kind of work you become attuned to the currents of energy or spirit you're working with and what I feel is I'm in this place of transition, movement slowing into stillness.

I also started work with Chockmah today. What was interesting about that meditation was recognizing that Chockmah is the beginning of limitation, the initial formation of possibility becoming reality, contained in a very conceptual form that then impregnates Binah, which provides further limitations. Nonetheless I recognized how a biological imperative is placed on the tree, male leading into female which then begats the next layer of the tree and I wondered what it would like if the direction of manifestation went counter clockwise instead of clockwise. This inspired me to think about the quiploth and at some point I must do some research to see if there anything to that, but it also strikes me as a limitation of the tree, bound to a physicality that may or may not be accurate. Of course I also need to recognize the lens of what I'm reading and how that shapes this perception as well.

9-26-14 I'm coming to the conclusion that for the most part weekend intensives don't work, though it probably also doesn't help that my intensive is happening during Mabon, which automatically seems to draw people away, but even without that I've come to recognize a trend that indicates that its probably better to just do webinars and teleclasses with occasional appearances at festivals and bookstores. It's frustrating to figure all this out the hard way, but sometimes its how you learn. My problem here admittedly is that  don't really pay attention to holidays in general and so that hurt me with this particular weekend initiative.

On a different note I've been losing some weight and that makes me happy to actually see it happening, but it also makes me think about what I'll do to make it actually work down the line when I'm not dieting any further. In Ladder of Lights Gray discusses the Auphanim, which are the angelic order of Chockmah. According to him they are the mills of God, creating and sustaining cyclical patterns until a person doesn't need the pattern any more. I've been contemplating that all day, seeing it show up in multiple ways in my life, and thinking of how those patterns are broken down by the work a person does that necessarily involves learning how to end a pattern instead of stay in it.

10-02-14 I finished up working with Chockmah today. When I worked with Ratziel, he showed me his book, but told me there was nothing in there I didn't already know, if I was willing to do the work. And I agree with that, because I find that Chockmah makes a lot of sense to me. Chockmah is patterns within patterns forming into more patterns that convey concept into reality. I do find it very interesting that as I continue this climb up the ladder, I'm also coming to a close with the movement work and getting ready for stillness. Kether is, I think, an embodiment of stillness in its own right, with motion moving toward stillness, and eventually into motion again.

10-6-14 In working with the angelic order of Kether, the impressions I've experienced has been as Kether as the first impulse...yes is everything and nothing, but its also the motivation to do something, to become something distinct from everything else. And when you consider that Kether is ultimately a label to that effect, which describes a Sephiroth, it makes a lot of sense. Kether is that beginning movement of becoming, that initial urge to do something.

The last week has been pretty challenged and at one point Kat asked me what the lesson was and I realized it was that I'm feeling blocked. So I took the weekend off and didn't do anything related to work. Sometimes I think people are so focused on trying to move, trying to find a way to get past an obstacle, they forget the value of just stopping and doing something else or nothing at all. Certainly I'm one of those people.

10-7-14 I connected with Metatron today, who pointed out something significant to me. He explained that even Kether has its own limitation and that the tree itself is a form of limitation that presents a specific way of working with reality that fits the needs of the people utilizing it but also limits those people to that system and the limitations within it. And it's a good point to make...any given system has its own limitations which need to be recognized because at some point a person can and often does evolve past it.

10-8-14 I'm feeling restless and depressed lately. I think it's the fallout from the recent trip, so I'm doing my best to sit with the emotions and get clear on what I'm feeling and why. Perhaps part of it also is that I'm going to be 38 soon. I realize that and I look at my life and it just seems like so much of it has been a mess, which I've managed to get somewhat cleaned up. I know there's plenty of accomplishments there as well, but I think you only really start to come into your own when you've lived life a bit. My twenties were me learning something of what being an adult is about, and my thirties has really been about establishing an identity of who and what I am and do. I'm realizing that and it just hits me I'll be older than my parents when I was born and what I have to show for it...depends on how you look at it I guess, but I actually think I have a lot to show for it...if I'm willing to recognize it.

10-9-14 I finished up with the Ladder of Lights today. There was something in it that Gray wrote: "We neglect Nothing at our greatest cost, for it is the universal element, the ultimate thought, and the unique source of all energy." That's my experience with nothing. Nothing and yet everything all wrapped up on the razor edge of Zero. I hadn't read the Ladder of Lights in a long, long time, but its been good to re-read it and to experience it in a different manner which is more focused through the practice I created around it.

10-15-14 I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed I was interacting with the experience a person has with eating a Subway sandwich. It was pretty surreal, but it essentially opened my mind to some possibilities with pop culture magic that I'll explore in more depth in the book. The dream came about as a result of feeling a bit of anxiety over the fact that another person is presenting on the topic of pop culture magic. On the one hand, I'm glad someone else is doing presentations and on the other hand, there is a bit of possessiveness on my part and also the fear that what I plan to write will be obsolete, but the dream confirmed something for me and proved quite helpful in put that fear to rest. I realized that my own perspectives are unique enough and that other people presenting shows that pop culture magic is finally reaching that place of acceptance I'd always hoped for with it.

I also had an interesting experience with the Tibetan sound work I'm doing. I decided to do the chanting with the purpose of attuning the spirit cord to the chanting. I felt the astral version of the cord vibrate with the sound, attuning itself to the purpose of the sound and amplifying the effect. Further experimentation is warranted.

10-16-14 I'm feeling frustrated with myself. It feels likely lately I'm making all the wrong decisions or at least acting before I fully think things through. The intentions are good, but the results are less so. Ugh. I think I need to slow the fuck down, which is why it'll be good for me to take on stillness. Sometimes you get so caught up in the movement of life you don't do the necessary due diligence...there's no excuse for that.

10-21-14 Today is the last day of the movement work. I did my invocation of Eros and thanked him for all his help. I know I'll work with him again, especially because there is so much more to tap into with this particular element. I feel even, with 2 years in, I could spend much more time, but I'm also ready for Stillness and I know I will learn things about movement from Stillness. Actually when I think about Stillness, I recognize that I've been integrating stillness practices into my life for the better part of this last year. It's an interesting demonstration of how the elemental balancing work ends up blending together. Tomorrow I will do the ritual to set up stillness as the element to work with for this next year, in full.

Last night, I spoke with Kat about the elemental balancing ritual. I asked her if it was ever a burden for her, me doing this work, and she told me it wasn't...that she accepted it and understood its significance in my life and that she felt it had reverberations in her life as well, but that she welcomed them as part of being involved with me. It meant a lot to me, to hear that support for my spiritual work and the acceptance of just how important this balancing work is to what I'm doing overall. Having a partner who fully gets and supports this work and what it means not just to my personal development, but also the overall work I'm doing with magic is truly a blessing.

Happy birthday to me!

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 22: Balancing Act

7-24-14 The second day at Pathways, we took Bill Duvendack to lunch. Bill is a stand up guy, intelligent, and he shared some interesting insights on the international community. We also talked more about one of the books he's sending to Immanion, which I'm looking forward to editing myself. Afterwards I did some Tarot readings and then the manifesting wealth class, which was well received. We had a larger crowd that night then the previous one. Afterwards we went to dinner with River Higginbotham, who'd been kind enough to host us while in St. Louis. We had some good conversations around leadership and magic. He has some similar interests in space/time magic work, and also the Seth material.

On the 23rd, we arrived in Indianapolis. Actually we checked out the cahokia mounds. I'd never heard of them before. We walked among and wood henge. What I felt was a residual trace of the original people. After that we drove to Indianapolis and I arrived at Spiritual Gardens. At that shop there was one person there for the workshop and I put aside all expectations or anything else and gave a really good version of the Alchemy of Breath, which I'll use in the future. It also occurred to me that I should write a book on that topic specifically. I've written about breath work in Inner Alchemy, but this would be an expansion on what I wrote there. The person attending the class bouth three books and this is only significant for one reason, which I'll share shortly.

Kat and I took the bookstore owner and her son to dinner. It turns out that the patron of the owner and the store is Papa Legba, a loa of the crossroads. Kat and I do a lot of crossroads work, and I felt Legba's presence show up at dinner. The receipt for the meal, plus tip came out to the exact amount I was paid for the books, which I found interesting. The shop owner also told me that Legba likes people to be humble and I realized that the workshop at the bookstore and the dinner was part of encounter with Legba, a test of sorts. Kat and I ended up chatting for quite a while with the owner about the Indianapolis community and at some point Legba came through and the conversation shifted to changes in the owner's life. I feel we passed the test, but it made me appreciate how the movement we experience in life sometimes happens for very specific reasons that remind us of specific lesson we need to take into account. Certainly the entire experience here reminded me of the importance of being humble in the face of success, accepting it, but not letting it go to my head either.

7-26-14 I've been working with the Elohim, which are the angelic order for Netzach. They've shown up as multi-faceted beings with mirror like finishes that mediate specific forces and serve as middle men to connect those forces to people. They are also mirrors of the heart and soul of the person. Sometimes they've shown up with lots of eyes, offering a glimpse into something else.

I've also been at the 2nd international left hand path conference. There's been some good presentations on luciferianism, secret societies, magic etc. I've also been able to meet a couple of people I've long wanted to meet such as Laurelei Black and Michael Ford. I'm grateful for the opportunity to speak and be at this event, and to meet the various people here.

7-29-14 Home at last. The 2nd international left hand path conference was excellent, with lots of good presenters. The trip home was uneventful, but the time away made me realize how much I value my time at home, how much I value PDX. It's great to move and to see further movement resulting as a result, but it's also good to savor hat you have and appreciate the space you are in. I feel the transition to Stillness starting.

7-31-14 Today I was working with Netzach and specifically the Archangel for Netzach, who is known as Auriel or Hanael. A while back in an R.J. Stewart workshop, I had an encounter with a being named Hanael, so when I did my meditation today it was the same being and it was fascinating because in the workshop the focus wasn't on connecting with archangelic powers. According to Gray this archangel directs energy from the athletic to artistic fields...he focuses people into a specific direction. We discussed that quite a bit today, in relationship to some of the changes occurring in my life. It helps me understand some of those choices as well as the benefits. I'll be curious to see what further work with him will bring about.

8-4-2014 It's horrible to tell someone that s/he is a disappointment. I heard that phrase far too often in my childhood. It shut me down. It told me I wasn't good enough. To hear it uttered about someone else always triggers a reaction within me.

8-5-2014 I'm reading The Fruitful Darkness by Joan Halifax. It's an autobiography of sorts about her work with Buddhism and shamanic practices. She makes an interesting statement, where she says there can only be a harvest when a person yields. It makes me think about the movement work and my recognition that sometimes to move, you need to allow yourself to be moved. Today I felt moved to stop by and visit Kat during her break. I told her how much I love her, how much she has moved me, how much she has helped me connect with parts of myself I had frozen and locked away. I don't always find it easy to express such things, but I felt a need to tell her how much she means to me, how much she moves me. So I let myself by moved by how she moves me and spoke my feelings to her, told her how much she means to me and how much she has helped me grow as a person.

8-9-14 I've been feeling the transition to stillness even more lately. It's a subtle transition, but nonetheless I feel that movement is morphing into stillness in my deep work and I'm ready for it. At the same time I feel that Eros will continue to be part of this work, which makes sense as I continue to develop a relationship with him. I haven't written about him much because the relationship has always been subtle, yet nonetheless I have felt him at work in the various experiences I've had and am having.

I've also wrapped up my work with Netzach today. Hanael actually assigned an angel of the Elohim order to me to help me with some specific internal work I'm doing. That angel is holding up a mirror for me...that is its function and yet that function is helping me to see what I need to do to take the internal work deeper.

Something I've been thinking about is leadership and how a good leader recognizes that s/he has feet of clay, or in other words recognizes the flaws s/he has. I definitely have some flaws and have made some choices over the years that were harmful to myself and to other people in my life. I have and continue to work on those flaws with the recognition that this work is a continuous journey. I also know I haven't always been a good leader. I've made some questionable choices that I look back on now and regret making. However what I can do with those choices is learn from them and make sure that I make better choices in my life and work.

8-15-14 I've been working with Tiphareth. I connected with the Malakim, which are the angels of balance. They seemed more abstract than the previous angelic orders, and told me that they were because their focus was on balancing the other Sephiroth and making sure that the right energies balanced each other. Meditating on this helped me appreciate anew the balance between movement and stillness, but also balance in and of itself as a principle of the world. I think I will explore balance as an element after Stillness, if balance calls to me.

8-17-14 The last few days have been pretty tough. I had a situation occur where I was essentially told I wasn't trusted. I got the situation resolved, or at least as resolved as it can be, but to have someone you respect tell you that they don't trust you or that they trust you in theory, but not in practice really hurts. At the same time I suppose what it also indicates is what the real nature of the relationship is. It saddens me, because I realize that whatever the relationship is or may be, this situation has changed it on both ends.

8-20-14 My continued work with Tiphareth has been interesting because of how much more abstract its been and how quickly its gone through. It really is a Sephiroth of balance, with the focus really being on mediating and directing the various energies of the other Sephiroth. It has made me think, as I've worked with it, about how important balance really is and how even though I've integrated into elemental balancing ritual, I haven't really worked with Balance in and of itself.

I've also been feeling a bit depressed. Ironically I've been a bit more creative or maybe I've just focused on that creativity as a channel for what I'm feeling. Regardless it is good to get things done and I like that I've made some progress on a couple of projects that had been proceeding at a very slow speed of progress. I suppose what it really comes right down to is figuring out how to take anything and find a way to use it if you can, including depression.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 21: Responsibility

 6-20-14 When I was working with my spirit cord today, I felt it pulse and sync with my heart beat. It was quite an interesting experience and not something I'd previously felt in my work with the spirit cord. I also continued my work around regret. I dove in really deep today with that blockage that's by my navel, and I felt it continue to loosen up and as it did I experienced some memories and feelings about a couple of people and choices I'd made around those people. It was hard to feel those emotions, to be in those memories, but I let myself relax into them and as I did, I allowed myself to acknowledge and feel those emotions instead of avoiding them. I felt some sadness and a sense of responsibility that I had previously denied or tried to foist on someone else. Instead I chose to accept the responsibility. There's still work to do around it, but I felt taking that step was significant enough in its own right. 6-23-14 Regret is a form of fantasy, in some sense, and I find that as I delve into this work that some regrets turn into a sense of fantasy, a what if scenario. I realize such a scenario is a blockage, in and of itself, but it also an expression of the regret that can be worked through. So part of my dissolving work has involved working with the regret through the fantasy and using the fantasy to recognize certain realities that the regret doesn't factor in. One of the realizations I came away with is an awareness that I felt like I had to fit myself around another person and their issues and life as opposed to actively working on creating a true partnership. I felt this way multiple times with multiple people and that helped me look at the regret in a different light, because it showed me that the regret presented a filtered perspective. By doing the dissolving work it strips away the filter.

7-1-14 I've been continuing to meditate on regret and today I hit a realization about some of my choices earlier in my life that helped me understand that the reason I made those choices was because I was looking for something and fooling myself into thinking I could get it in the way I was pursuing it. Hindsight being 20-20 I eventually realized that my choices weren't providing me what I was looking for, but in meditating on those choices with the regret work, I was able to understand them in a different way that helped me find a sense of resolution about them I hadn't felt before. Working with regret in the way I've been working it has helped me see how the lack of closure creates regret but also how trying to meet a need can do the same. And when you do meet that need, you may still need to work with past issues in order to resolve those periods of time and occurrences in order to be fully present with the solution.

7-4-14 I'm feeling a bit frustrated lately. I'm having to change my event in Chicago into something else due to the lack of signups for the intensive. And it looks like my September event is encountering difficulties due to circumstances that originate with the place I'd be presenting at. What this continues to illustrate to me is that it may be more useful to invest in video and webinars for classes. While the initial cost might be high, the overall overhead would likely be low. After this month is over, I'm going to start doing some research into what other authors are doing...and this illustrates the importance of being adaptable, of being able to change movement as needed in order to go where you want to be.

7-8-14 I've been doing some work with Raphael, who is the Archangel of Hod. He's appeared to me as a doctor in a clinic, healing various people. He told me I needed to be open about my wounds if I wanted to find healing for them. Later on I talked with Kat and I admitted I was feeling depressed. A lot ended up coming out that helped me realize how much pressure I put on myself, but what really stood out to me was how hard it was for me to feel present with a part of myself that I identify myself as young boy. I think for men in general its hard to identify with the boy aspect of themselves. Part of this is because I think one of the immature images of men is men who never grow up, who essentially are still boys. However, I think that you can be a mature man and still connect with the boy within, but doing that easily...especially if that part of you has been so wounded...that's hard for me and sharing it with someone else is even harder.

7-12-14 I've been watching Neon Genesis Evangelion with Kat. It's been over 5 years since I last watched it. I've seen the series over 8 times. It's one of my favorite series and its also a cathartic series for me, because of the triggers and issues that come up in regards to my own relationship with my parents. However watching it this time around has been different. I've still felt some triggers and issues, but its different now, more muted. The internal work I've done has changed a lot of my reactions...its still a show that touches me, but it doesn't grab me in quite the same way. And I'm happy about that because as much as I like the show, it's good to know I've changed, that while it still touches me, it doesn't hit in quite the same way it did before.

7-15-14 I've come to a place with the regret work where I feel I've plumbed the depths as it were and gotten what I need from it. I'm glad I dedicated the time to it, but now I'll return to some other projects. I've also started work with Netzach, doing the initial phase of connection work, which I'll build on when the time is appropriate. It occurs to me that Netzach and Hod are mirrors to each other representing both the same and opposite principles, a union of opposites to create a composite realization, which would be Yesod, which when refined further becomes Malkuth. Of course the other Sephiroth also have something to add to that, but I'll get to those later.

7-20-14 I've started working with Netzach. Today I encountered the Elohim, which showed up as multi-faceted mirrors which mediated spiritual forces. They explained how they acted as connections between specific types of spiritual forces and the magician. Also Eros pointed something out today in my meditations, specifically noting how I've certain places in my life, certain relationships where the movement is stopped or blocked by how I let those relationships effect. Something to meditate on further. I'm in Chicago right now and visited the Life Force Arts center, as well as the Occult Bookstore. I liked the energy of the Occult bookstore and look forward to coming back some time and presenting again.

7-21-14 Left Chicago today. It's been years since I was there and what struck me the most about the city is the manic, frenetic energy. It's a good place to visit, but I don't know if I could live around that many people all the time. Feeling the movement of the city, both in terms of traffic and people was interesting. It has its own rhythm, made up of all the people, the traffic, events and everything else. And I could see how a person could tap into the energy to fuel their workings, though I think it would be dangerous. You'd have to be careful with how you were connecting and what you were connecting with.

And we arrived in St. Louis. The shop Pathways is wonderful, one of the best stocked occult bookshops I've seen, with hard to find works. The community is friendly and welcoming. I also felt the spirit of the original proprietor connect with me and welcome me to the shop. The workshop I offered was well received and I could tell it helped people come to some good realizations for themselves. More than anything I want my workshops to provide that kind of experience to the people who take them.